Older Gender Questioning Person

[Michelle PJ]

Hello All,

 

I thought I would say hello as a “new” member, though I may have previously signed up and stayed silent.   So, Good Morning!   My story is that of a mostly lifelong CD who at the age of 65 thought I wanted a more authentic personal feminine experience and began gender therapy.   Somehow, I convinced my therapist that I “qualified for HRT, which I started just before turning 66.   That was almost 30 months ago.    What a bumpy ride!    At this point I have been off E for about six weeks, declaring to myself and spouse that I am not transgender. What was I thinking !!   I am male through and through and look like one.    Except for one brief peek last night, I haven’t even looked at my feminine things.    I have paused on other occasions, feeling strongly that my opportunity to transition was long ago.   You know?   That time when we knew we were different but resources, acceptance and the internet were absent.   So youthfulness drained away and now it will take heaven and earth combined if I wanted a more female like existence.   Though I was heading for FFS last year. I chickened out do to fear of the unknown and the great expense.    It will be such a simpler life to remain Jerry as opposed to Jerri-Michelle.   But after these past six weeks my other self has reawakened, and I am daydreaming about resuming E ( a refill of these meds is in transit now!) and  shedding my boxers for panties.   Having recently declared my “normalcy” to the spouse, she has been nagging me to make an appointment for breast reduction.   I have been fraught in making such a decision as I love my breasts.   What will become of me as I slide down the slope to being girly again, at least in private, and again seek intervention for feminizing facial surgery?   Is there anyone out there who wants to be more feminine but does not believe the are a woman?    Maybe one of those in-between conditions is more like me?    And can I please ask what you might think of someone who is wondering if the Sissy lifestyle (without the abuse!) is a real thing and not a fetish?

 

thanks

Jerry-M

[Charlize]

Michelle, i'm so glad you found us.  I also spent a long time trying to convince myself i was a crossdresser and nothing more, while i new what i wanted to at least try.  I wanted to at least spend time living as a woman.   I gave up for 3 years after getting sober.  I felt that i had to "defeat" that "demon".   I gave up in my 60's and went to a women's AA meeting as myself.  I found acceptance.  2 years later i found this site, started therapy and realized this issue would never leave me.  That was 10 years ago and while the process was long and at times hard, at 73,  i have found peace and even joy with my gender issues.

Read what you find here and share.  Those things have certainly helped me.

 You are not alone!  We will help as we can.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

[Katie M]

Hi, Michelle! I too am in the early stages of a "late life" transition, (I'm nearly 61)...and I truly have never been happier than now that I've accepted who I am and have begun sharing "Katie" with loved ones and the world in general. As Charlize said, "I have found peace". I wish the same for you!💜

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Michelle.  Welcome!

 

The yo-yo-ing that you describe is not uncommon.  You start hormones, the dysphoria mostly goes away, you feel like you are cured and you don't need them any more, so you stop taking them, and the dysphoria comes back.  It happens a lot.

 

The dysphoria stays away as long as you are taking steps towards being your true self. 

 

Fear of the unknown is real.  It feels like you are jumping out the door of an airplane and you don't even know if you have a parachute.  Signing up here is a good way to deal with it, because so many of us have been exactly where you are - and survived.  Ask questions.  Share your feelings.  That's what we are here for.

 

After a lifetime of on-and-off cross-dressing, I started this journey for real at age 62.  I am 67 now, and I have done all the transitioning I needed to do.  I am Kathy full-time, and have been for five years.   Life is good on this side.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Katie M]

14 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I am Kathy full-time, and have been for five years.   Life is good on this side.

💜💜!

[VickySGV]

I am 74, full time for 13 years and out as a CD for another 10 before that.  By now I have gotten to the point where people's memories of the maleish me have faded in those with problems, or they have become no problem by now being headstones in the local boneyards.  Do what makes you feel your best without shame. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Jerry-M! Glad you're here. I lasted four days the last time I tried to convince myself I'm not transgender, really it was an attempt to appease my wife, as I was "selfish." The wonderful thing about transition I've found is it's my journey, my mind and body that didn't/don't match. While there are similarities with many here, I need to do what works for me. If you're last question on sissy lifestyle refers to sexual behavior, I have to pass, only because I found it necessary to separate gender & sex once I started accepting & exploring my femme. My fantasies may run rampant at times, but I want to be comfortable with my gender before venturing down the other road.

 

I hope you find the loving support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Astrid]

3 hours ago, Michelle PJ said:

Is there anyone out there who wants to be more feminine but does not believe the are a woman?    Maybe one of those in-between conditions is more like me?

 

@KathyLaurennailed it with her observation that stopping HRT is directly related to the dysphoria coming back.  Shutting the closet door on your true self almost never succeeds.  Certainly for me, trying that resulting in shorter and shorter periods of tolerating it and faster and faster periods of stress build-up and anger -- until I really had no choice but to come out to my spouse at 69 and start HRT 26 months ago at 71.  Similar to you.

 

My identity (rather than "condition") is firmly non-binary, and I carefully considered whether HRT was the right thing to do for me.  It has proved to be an appropriate choice, because has not just kept dysphoria at bay, it has provided me with a much happier self.  I'm not a cross-dresser, in the sense that putting on feminine clothes every so often, and stopping there was always unfulfilling. HRT's changes to not just my body but my mindset and emotions and empathy towards others have brought such positivity to who I am -- a queer, non-binary, feminine-leaning person.  If my spouse asked me to reduce my boobs, it would be like asking me to confirm that all this is merely a mental condition (like the old DSM that diagnosed gender dysphoria as a disorder -- which has wisely since changed) and that I could return to my old "normal" self by taking away my feminine changes with surgery.  It would, instead, return me to my old disgruntled, stressful, and angry self.  That would be unpleasant for both me and for my spouse.  Attempting to strip a person of their identity is seldom possible without also greatly harming that person.

 

Keep in mind that for most older AMAB folks on estrogen, breast growth remains fairly modest. If an occasion calls for it, it's not that hard to wear looser fitting shirts or tops that greatly reduce the appearance of breasts; make that top solid black, and it even further reduces noticeability.  So compromise is possible, but I also realize that the gamut of spousal acceptance is very wide, ranging from active support, to tolerance, to rejection.  It's not easy for them.  But some effort to better understand you -- their spouse -- is important.  I am extremely grateful that I invited my spouse -- and she accepted -- attending gender therapy sessions jointly with me.  It didn't solve every issue, but it provided a learning space for both of us.

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

[Billie75B]

Hi Michelle

Welcome to TP as stated you will find a wealth of information here. As stated in another group take what you want and leave the rest. I to am almost 65 started my transition 6 months ago at 64, I started thinking I was way to old and that I may never look like the women I visioned in my head. Today if the vision comes true or not is no longer important as I now am begining to actually feel for the first time in my life. I am not fully out yet but I am enjoying this journey and having fun.

 

Hugs

Billie

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Michelle,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

The one thing I would strongly recommend before resuming HRT, if you have not already done so, is to resume working with a gender therapist. This is partly because HRT will make permanent changes with your body that you want to be as sure of as possible. My concern here is that you have mentioned interest in a sissy lifestyle. While this is fine, being transgender and living a sissy lifestyle are not the same thing.  A sissy lifestyle involves wanting to appear as a woman, usually for some form of eroticism or gratification. A MTF transgender person actually wants to be a woman, not just be enhanced.

 

I am not trying to judge which way you're leaning, nor right or wrong. I just suggest that you become as confident as possible with your choice. It may also help convince your spouse that you are sincere.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Katie M]

@Timber Wolf, wonderful advice, thoughtfully given!💜

[Betty K]

Hi @Michelle PJ, there's a lot to unpack in your post, and you are further down the road of both life and transition than I am, so in many ways I feel I can't help you. However, I pricked up my ears at "sissy lifestyle", because I do have some experience of sexuality in my feminine form, presuming that is what you are asking about. Generally, though, sexuality is not discussed very openly in these forums in order that they can remain open to people of all ages. For that reason, if you'd like to discuss sexuality, please feel free to private-message me and I will be happy to share what knowledge I have.

 

On 2/15/2022 at 11:48 PM, Michelle PJ said:

Is there anyone out there who wants to be more feminine but does not believe the are a woman?

 

For my part, no, I do not believe I am a woman, but I do know I'm transgender, meaning I do not identify with the gender I have been allotted. I also know that I am more comfortable, at least lately, when people treat me as a woman, and that I like myself better when I present as a woman. Maybe the best way to put it is that I feel a woman inside of me. Because I have not yet transitioned, for most of the time she is hidden and I carry her around like a precious cargo. But now and then I let her to the surface, and at those times I feel more whole, more three-dimensional, as if she has filled me up from the inside and is glowing out through my skin. Then I go back to hiding her and realise "I" -- the male me, that most people see -- is an empty shell, except for this jewel inside of him.

 

One last thing: I think transition is whatever you make it. Whatever you want, for whatever reason, if it's important enough to you -- if it has gone beyond a want to become a need -- then who is to say if it's right or wrong? I agree you should seek a qualified gender therapist if you haven't already, but I think you should beware of anyone who paints transition as just another binary either/or proposition. Among younger trans people it is widely accepted that there are all shades of gender and many types of transition. But in my limited experience with doctors w/r/t transition I have already encountered two who dictated to me (a) how transition is done, and (b) who gets to do it.

 

 

 

 

[Michelle PJ]

Hello All,

 

Thank you so much for your very welcoming messages!   I think I have much more to say and contribute and look forward to posting again on other topics soon.   
 

Charlize and Katie,  Thank you!   I hope to find peace in my transition some day!

KathyLauren and Vicky SKG,   Thanks and it’s comforting to know other older souls are participants of this forum.   I hope I did not offend anyone by mentioning My curiosity about the sissy lifestyle.

 

Astrid,

thanks for your thoughtful reply!    I am envious of those out there who have well informed and supportive spouses who embrace their partners decisions on transitioning.   
 

Timber Wolf,

Thanks for your kind and insightful words.   As I mentioned before I hope I offended no one with the expression of curiosity about just what a sissy lifestyle is and is it what some trans individuals practice.   
 

Betty K,

 

Thanks for your response.   I DO appreciate that transitioning isn’t always a binary choice.   And for someone who is on the fence about whether I did the right thing beginning HRT, that is somewhat comforting.   As fo PM-ing you I think one needs a minimum number of posts to do so.   I hope to get there soon.

 

All,   I believe there is a more efficient way to reply to individual posts than what I did above.   Can someone please school me on that?

 

Jerri
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Betty K]

6 hours ago, Michelle PJ said:

I believe there is a more efficient way to reply to individual posts than what I did above.   Can someone please school me on that?

 

If you highlight a section of any post you want to reply to it will give you the option to “quote selection”, which will create a little box of text like the one above.

 

A few more words on the sissy topic: I don’t know if you will find anyone on this site who identifies with that word. In my experience there do seem to be a few people who describe themselves as sissies, but only on hookups sites such as Grindr and, I presume, for the benefit of the men whom they are trying to attract. 

[VickySGV]

@Michelle PJ, @Betty K just gave the advice on quoting that is correct and lets both you and the person you are quoting know about it so you can have more of a conversation sort of thing.

 

We are not fond of the word "sissy" here on the forums. In common use it either describes a fetish that we do not talk about here.  Its usual implication is of an older cis-gender male male wearing juvenile style clothing, or even adult size baby clothing, or it describes another fetish involving humiliation of the cross-dresser and the CD getting an erotic thrill from it.  Cross-dressers who are into taking vacation and comfort time into their non-birth gender and who are looking for non-fetish help and advice on realistically presenting as women are very much welcome and important people in our community here.  We are here to help even young adults 13 and above and thus our over caution on fetish activities where erotic pleasure in weird ways is the object.  We are just a tad prudish there.

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[Michelle PJ]

16 hours ago, VickySGV said:

@Michelle PJ, @Betty K just gave the advice on quoting that is correct and lets both you and the person you are quoting know about it so you can have more of a conversation sort of thing.

 

We are not fond of the word "sissy" here on the forums. In common use it either describes a fetish that we do not talk about here.  Its usual implication is of an older cis-gender male male wearing juvenile style clothing, or even adult size baby clothing, or it describes another fetish involving humiliation of the cross-dresser and the CD getting an erotic thrill from it.  Cross-dressers who are into taking vacation and comfort time into their non-birth gender and who are looking for non-fetish help and advice on realistically presenting as women are very much welcome and important people in our community here.  We are here to help even young adults 13 and above and thus our over caution on fetish activities where erotic pleasure in weird ways is the object.  We are just a tad prudish there.

 

Hello Vicky SGV,

 

Thanks for the reply to my unconventional way of responding to those who weigh in on my intro.    AND I hear you loud and clear on the s?¥\&y issue.