I don't really know what to think

[CuriouserAndCuriouser]

I think I deal a lot with imposter syndrome. I constantly feel like I don't deserve good things and that my feelings are invalid. I can remember when I was a young teen boy, I started "exploring" the back door. In my mind I thought, "it would be cool to see what girls are feeling." When I was even younger I liked playing with my grandma's makeup and seeing what it was like to stand in her heels. In recent years, I started periodically purchasing toys to explore again. I always have the same pattern. I love them, but I throw them away after I start to feel dirty. Like I just let my sexual desires build up for too long, but I always go back and buy another one. I know I'm not gay, but I can't deny that it feels like something I should be doing which is weird for me to process. Then, a few months ago, my curiosities expanded. I found myself wanting to wear make up. I went out and bought an eyeliner, which wasn't a big deal because I used to wear it in HS because I was a "metal head". But then I went back for an eye shadow palette. I found that I really like it. Earlier this week I started watching a new show and absolutely fell in with a trans character that does "graphic" eye looks. So my curiosities evolved again. I decided to try wearing women's underwear. It felt great. I went out in it and bought another palette and some new eyeliners. I loved trying a graphic eye. I felt expressive and happy and strong. I have no idea what I'm doing or what this means about me. I've never once felt like I was in the wrong body, but I've definitely felt like I didn't fit in as a guy. I always find my feminine side was kind of strong, too, but I can't think of one time I've thought I should be female. I'm very confused about what all of these things feel so right, but I also feel so sure that I'm not trans. I'm keeping this side of me from some pretty important people in my life and I don't see myself every feeling comfortable bringing it up with them. I don't know, this feels like it was kind of a vent and I don't know if it's even in the right section anymore. I'm sorry if this was too long or in the wrong area, but it felt really good to get it all out and I thank anyone that took the time to even read it all.

[VickySGV]

I am going to hit you with a standard line we have here.  Since you have the questions you do, you are NOT 100% pure Cis Gender (a person who is comfortable as their birth assigned gender and does not have your questions) and thus your BEST route is to find a Therapist familiar and experienced in gender and identity issues (we used to call them Gender Therapists) and spend some well worth it money or insurance benefits on their help.  That said:

 

Imposter Syndrome is extremely common in the early days of exploring your actual identity.  Nothing you have said above takes you out of Trans territory or invalidates your presence under the Trans Umbrella.  Considering that you have been praised and encouraged in your birth assigned gender, and that in all probability you have been taught the old baloney that Trans people and Trans behavior are only fit for bad jokes with sexual connotations by otherwise mediocre comics, or that we are Sinful and Evil by religious pundits, or screamed at as dangerous sexual predators to fragile women and suffering children by "good people", I can well understand why you are hesitant to accept that you may be one of us.  (Egads I am polysyllabic today) Come on in and ask and enjoy the parts having an identity that loves make-up, likes high heels (I am Trans and do not care for them.), ask questions and use our main page resource finder to see if there is a  Therapist in your area, or another suggestion, even though you claim not gay, look for your nearest LGBTQ Community Center which has programs for Trans and Gender Variant (non-binary) people and take a breath and enjoy life.  BTW, welcome to the forums.

[Ivy]

Welcome Curiouser.

I second what Vicky said.  Cis people don't question their gender.  

[Aggie1]

What I have come to learn is that sexuality lies on a spectrum and a lot of it is driven by naturally occurring chemical reactions in your body that are not necessarily under your complete control. Consider all the lifestyles that are “approved” of in religious circles. Being a bachelor can mean not being sexually attracted to the opposite sex or any sex (sounds like asexual to me). Eunuchs are spoken of favorably in several places in the Bible. Or they might be shy around girls or have low testosterone. On the other end there was Solomon. The wisest man. How many wives or mistresses did he have again?

 

There are physical biological chemical underpinnings for so much of it. Why does one one person attract you and another one doesn’t? Why do some people like exercise and some don’t. Why do some people have darker complexions than others. A lot of it is driven by genetics. Your gender, your attractiveness, attraction to, lack of interest in, and a broad spectrum of characteristics that define your uniqueness are described by a transposition of a few molecules in a string of a billion in a handful of genes in an obscure corner of some chromosome. Everyone of us is unique. Good thing too from a species survival standpoint!

[KathyLauren]

One thing that I learned that may apply to you...  When you have a strong feminine side to your personality, and you are attracted to females romantically/sexually, it is very easy for those two separate influences to get jumbled up. 

 

Consequently, exploring the feminine aspects of your own personality gets mistaken for sexual perversion.   This can have both positive and negative effects.  The positive: well, it can feel really good, if you know what I mean.  The negative: it is easy to dismiss that side of your personality as a perversion.

 

I was once in exactly the same situation as you.  My attraction to women prevented me from recognizing myself as the woman that I truly am.

 

In spite of your assertion that you are not trans, I see nothing in your post that convinces me.  You owe it to yourself to explore that side of who you are.  I second Vicky's suggestion to see a therapist.  Therapy is very useful for sorting out jumbled feelings.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[CuriouserAndCuriouser]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. There's people in my life I would need to talk to before going into therapy because I think it would only be right that they knew why I was going to therapy. That being said, I'm definitely not ready to have that conversation with any of them, yet. I trust them, and they're amazing people, but I can't help being scared that they'll see me differently in a negative way. And to elaborate on my saying I'm not gay, I just mean I'm not sexually attracted to men. I do find myself attracted to trans women who haven't fully transitioned, but only when they're presenting as primarily female; like they've grown breasts and their features have already softened. I hope I'm not saying anything offensive. I'm very new to communicating openly about this, and especially with people already ingrained in the community. Again, thank you so much to everyone reading and responding.

[KathyLauren]

29 minutes ago, CuriouserAndCuriouser said:

There's people in my life I would need to talk to before going into therapy because I think it would only be right that they knew why I was going to therapy. That being said, I'm definitely not ready to have that conversation with any of them, yet.

 

I totally get that.  I knew that the first step in my transition would have to be seeing a therapist.  But I also knew I had to tell my wife first.  It took me a full six months, maybe more, from the time I made the decision to talk to her until I actually did it.  It was as scary as heck.  But it turned out okay. 

 

Take the time you need, but start planning.

[VickySGV]

Therapy is for your benefit and not for theirs and you do not need permission.  Time to cut the iron cables that pass for apron strings. The therapist cannot tell them what you discuss in session, and Gender Therapists are discreet enough not to hang out a shingle that mentions that part of their practice.  In fact the Therapist can help you develop the best way to tell your family about your reasons for seeing them.  You need to see the therapist in order to settle it in yourself IF there something to tell the others.  You have the cart before the horse there big time.  But, to each their own said the farmer as he kissed the cow.

[Jani]

7 hours ago, VickySGV said:

enjoy the parts having an identity that loves make-up, likes high heels (I am Trans and do not care for them.)

I also don't care for heels but I do enjoy make-up (remember "less is more") so you can do You the way it makes You feel good.  There is no roadmap unfortunately, so make your own rules.

 

A therapist is a great idea.

 

6 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

When you have a strong feminine side to your personality, and you are attracted to females romantically/sexually, it is very easy for those two separate influences to get jumbled up. 

Oh Goodness Yes!  What Kathy wrote is so true.  I'm not into men at all.  The bottom line is don't get caught up in the noise in your head.  It's okay to be who you are, not Kathy, Vicky or me.  Do you!  

 

Cheers, Jani