The First Time You Questioned Your Gender

[Heather Shay]

When was the first time you sensed something was wrong with your gender?

[Carla1965]

I don't know, maybe in the '70s. I was a very unsuccessful man all my life. I remember, that was my girlfriend who changed the tires on the car, while a made the laundry. I allways felt misplaced, but I realized first in 2020 that I was a woman.

[Ticket For Epic]

Well that's an odd one for me.  I guess I should have questioned as a child when I was jealous of women's clothes but I dismissed it as just jealous of the variety of clothes and colors.  Or perhaps my inability to connect or relate to men... But no.  Or possibly the elation I felt when I was included in my sister's girls nights growing up.  Or the pride I felt being the only "straight guy" that was permitted in the women's dressing room to help with quick changes as a ballet dancer.  Or wearing summer skirts throughout my late teens and early 20's...  I told myself it was because they were cool, breezy and unencumbering....  SMDH.  Or how about the first time I actually dressed as a woman. (My girlfriend invited me to something called "Drag ball" at her college) seeing myself like that took my breath away... It felt right!  I have think I was about to question but my girlfriend introduced me to Eddie Izzard the very next day and when I heard her say "executive transvestite", he clung to that like a drowning girl to a life preserver!   I could go on and on and on.

 

Fast forward 20 years and an ocean signs, signal, magnesium flares, etc...  I don't know what clicked or changed but roughly 5 months ago whilst having a conversation with my significant other, I found myself, to my shock an horror, saying "Hell, I don't even know if I'm cis.".  About a week after that I finally admitted to myself out loud "Omg, I don't think I'm a boy".  Had my first of many panic attacks, almost vomited and cried.   

 

Great topic, thanks!

 

much love

[Jackie C.]

Actually QUESTIONED? That one is rough. I probably should have really questioned it earlier, but EVERY boy cries themselves to sleep wishing they were a girl, right? I got suspicious when I really started to realize what certain terms used in the porn I was weirdly attracted to actually meant for the people involved. I mean I'd been fascinated by the idea of a sex-change since I was... oh, five or six. I'd cosplayed as a girl by the time I was three (I mean not very well, but hey, I was three). I tried to castrate myself twice in middle-school, but that's normal, right?

 

I don't think it was until my late twenties that I said, "OH! You're probably trans." I was not good at realizing I was different from my peers.

 

Hugs!

[Guest]

My gender has been questioning me! For most of my life! I just didn't understand what it was saying. There were clues, but I was so concerned with losing the attention of my family and being left alone that I ignored them. It seems most of us knew in one way or another but we make life committing decisions that make it difficult to come out.

[SheenaT]

16 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Actually QUESTIONED? That one is rough. I probably should have really questioned it earlier, but EVERY boy cries themselves to sleep wishing they were a girl, right? I got suspicious when I really started to realize what certain terms used in the porn I was weirdly attracted to actually meant for the people involved. I mean I'd been fascinated by the idea of a sex-change since I was... oh, five or six. I'd cosplayed as a girl by the time I was three (I mean not very well, but hey, I was three). I tried to castrate myself twice in middle-school, but that's normal, right?

 

I don't think it was until my late twenties that I said, "OH! You're probably trans." I was not good at realizing I was different from my peers.

 

Hugs!

🤗 Me too

[Lenneth]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Actually QUESTIONED? That one is rough. I probably should have really questioned it earlier, but EVERY boy cries themselves to sleep wishing they were a girl, right? I got suspicious when I really started to realize what certain terms used in the porn I was weirdly attracted to actually meant for the people involved. I mean I'd been fascinated by the idea of a sex-change since I was... oh, five or six. I'd cosplayed as a girl by the time I was three (I mean not very well, but hey, I was three). I tried to castrate myself twice in middle-school, but that's normal, right?

 

I don't think it was until my late twenties that I said, "OH! You're probably trans." I was not good at realizing I was different from my peers.

 

Hugs!

This largely encompasses my story.  There are some differences.  I knew being male wasn’t my cup of tea.  When I was eleven I got my first “journal.”  Diary?  Journal?  Why create terms just to attach gender to things?  I specifically wrote, and I still have this Journal, I wished I was a girl.  But like @Jackie C. said, I don’t think I legitimately questioned it until my early 30s.  I spent so much time hating being something I found repugnant.  I played the game because it was beaten into me.  I very seriously thought I was supposed to be.  I spent so much time resenting the reality that I could never be female.

 

I would find outlets.  I couldn’t be female, I thought, so I would at least find ways tonbe a girl vicariously.  I always chose female avatars in games, structured my game teams with the female characters, and gravitated to stories with strong female characters.  I found this webcomic when I was a senior in high school:

 

http://www.misfile.com/misfile/archive

 

The author finished that story and is currently working on a different one, I followed this story for over 10 years.  One of the main characters is a boy who os transformed into a girl.  Dysphoria, depression, identity…all a major part of the story.  Turned out the author’s father was a transwoman and didn’t accept, or embrace it, till in his 60s.  Sadly he passed as a result of transitioning complications.  You can feel the connection to the issues the author is bringing to life.

 

Meeting my partners finally had me ask the question, though it had ways been in the back of my mind.  So here I am today.  It’s been a long road, but here I am.

[Zelaire]

So many moments that only make sense in retrospect. Very very young, like single digits, I remember laying in bed and imagining I felt some change coming over me. I ran to my dad and told him I thought I was turning into a girl. I can't remember his response. It probably wasn't altogether reassuring. I wouldn't say I'd classify this as noticing something "wrong," but it wasn't long before I understood it wasn't "right" to have... non-standard gender thoughts... like secretly trying to draw myself how I might look as a girl, or staring at a picture of Ms. Marvel and imagining myself in her place. 
 

7 hours ago, Ticket For Epic said:

jealous of women's clothes but I dismissed it as just jealous of the variety of clothes and colors. 

^^ This! I still feel that way. Cis, trans, or anything else, why do guy clothes have to be so dull? 😄

 

4 hours ago, Lenneth said:

I found this webcomic when I was a senior in high school

Oh my god, I remember this one! I was absolutely ashamed of reading it, and totally wrapped up in it 😁 I never saw how it ended, but maybe now I'll finish reading it. So glad you shared this, Lenneth.

[Lenneth]

51 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

5 hours ago, Lenneth said:

I found this webcomic when I was a senior in high school

Oh my god, I remember this one! I was absolutely ashamed of reading it, and totally wrapped up in it 😁 I never saw how it ended, but maybe now I'll finish reading it. So glad you shared this, Lenneth.

 

I totally advocate finishing it.  I loved the way it wrapped up.  It wasn't the way I sort of hoped it would, but it's just such an excellent story!  I even created a folder in Chrome with bookmarks of the pages I found the most impactful.  I would read them endlessly.  I even reached out to the author/artist a number of times.  Extremely humble guy and quite supportive.

[Katie M]

From the age of about five years old, I began wishing to wake up as a girl...I remember telling my mother (as she was dressing my younger sister in a frilly dress) "I wish I had clothes like that"...so all along I was enraptured by all things feminine...but the question in my head of "who am I?" was asked and answered on the day I chose to respond intimately (and without hesitation) with a boy I'd grown up with (we were both 15 years old at the time)...

[Lenneth]

One incident I remember and failed to mention earlier was when I was around 7 or 8.  I don't know that was specifically questioning my gender in this encounter, but I recognize now what my thoughts were leading to.  I was walking home during the winter.  I lived in Alaska at the time.  So I was bundled up in more unisex-related colors.  No blues or things like that.  Under all of that you can't really tell what anyone is.  What happened was two older boys were walking the opposite direction on the other side of the street and were apparently discussing me.  I say that because suddenly one of them hollers out to me something like, "Hey!  Are you a boy or a girl!"  Now I ultimately said boy.  But there were steps to getting there that I recognize as a process not directly questioning, but certainly leaning towards it.  I hesitated.  The answer wasn't immediate.  And I distinctly remember wanting to answer with "girl."  It seemed minor to me at the time, but things like that carry more weight than I think we realize in the moment they are happening no matter how old, or experienced, we are.

[Artpetal]

Ok, so the very first time I ever felt completely alone as a transgender girl was when I was in elementary school. Before this, even though I knew I had to be a girl, this one time was just too sad for me. I was tying my shoelaces and I noticed my shoes were a boy's shoes for the first time. It was VERY painful. At that time, I was starting to be old enough to understand that boys and girls were different, so... it was a clue what my future would be like (100% unsupportive, religious parents). It was like, "Everything in the whole world, not just this, is wrong right now." This is a VERY bad memory for me and I would like to forget it. 

[Ticket For Epic]

@Artpetal At the risk of sticking my foot in my mouth...  I hope one day that you look back at that moment and if not love the memory, own it and accept it as a defining moment of your development.  All of our lives, every little moment helps to shape and mould us into the people we become.  Without that moment you could not and would not become the unique and glorious woman you are and will be.  

 

One day I was hanging out at a museum with my girlfriend and a "fun guy" *wink wink*. In the museum there was a photo gallery of elders from around the world and I noticed something beautiful.  All of them, every single one of them, if you looked into there eyes, I mean REALLY looked... (If you have wise grandparents try it with them) they were almost laughing and almost crying.  And I thinks it's because they own the moments of their lives without judgement, as necessary for their becoming.

 

I hope I made it through that without offending or appearing pompous....  "well actually!" lol

 

I wish you the best!

Much love

 

 

[Katie M]

11 hours ago, Ticket For Epic said:

it's because they own the moments of their lives without judgement, as necessary for their becoming.

 

Beautiful - and I completely understand and agree!💜

[Emma De]

So many thoughts and posts that chime with me.

My first time? I was four. In a ballet lesson and just wishing I was dressed and allowed to be like the girls. It was the first time I was aware that there really were boys and girls not just children.

I recall questions, laughter and looks. A boy dancing?. The first pressure to conform and follow the path expected. Please don't start the cliche of ballet. I loved it and wanted to express myself through dance and did. I actually became a powerful dancer able to jump higher, balance long or more solidly than others and do things others couldn't but I still wanted to be the graceful, elegant dancer. Just the pressure to be a Boy, man and masculine defeated the young, sensitive and fragile me.

 

It is only recently I think I heard it said that not everyone thinks of themselves as the opposite sex. Well that shocked me. I have dreamed it, gone to bed wishing to wake up differently. Prayed for just one day. I still find it impossible that everyone doesn't think that. Surely the beauty of a women is so far superior to a guy that we all dream of it? Well apparently not, so here I am.

[Zelaire]

I recently watched the first couple episodes of "Becoming You" on Apple TV by recommendation of my sister (7 day free trial, btw 😉 ) and there's a poignant part of the first episode where they talk about a child's first understanding of their own gender. If I recall rightly, it's around 3 or 4 years old. We see these two young friends, a little girl and a little boy, who are in preschool together and the boy doesn't want to play with the girl anymore; they start to gravitate to their own gendered groups, very naturally. Given what we're all talking about here, and what I'm figuring out about myself, this whole scene was sort of heartbreaking. 💔

[SheenaT]

On 3/2/2022 at 12:17 PM, Zelaire said:

So many moments that only make sense in retrospect. Very very young, like single digits, I remember laying in bed and imagining I felt some change coming over me. I ran to my dad and told him I thought I was turning into a girl. I can't remember his response. It probably wasn't altogether reassuring. I wouldn't say I'd classify this as noticing something "wrong," but it wasn't long before I understood it wasn't "right" to have... non-standard gender thoughts... like secretly trying to draw myself how I might look as a girl, or staring at a picture of Ms. Marvel and imagining myself in her place. 
 

^^ This! I still feel that way. Cis, trans, or anything else, why do guy clothes have to be so dull? 😄

 

Oh my god, I remember this one! I was absolutely ashamed of reading it, and totally wrapped up in it 😁 I never saw how it ended, but maybe now I'll finish reading it. So glad you shared this, Lenneth.

Always prefer womens clothes.

[Drake]

First time... I was 14. I started questioning myself. In highschool, I fell into a more masculine role with my friends, dressed as much like a man as I could, had a girlfriend, and I always had a devious little guy in the back of my head, tapping on my shoulder. I was about 17 at the time. I had a strong desire to be a man, but didn't fully accept I was trans until 24, 10 years later 😊

[Deseret P]

Eight years ago. 24 YO. Thought about the possibility of transforming into a woman. Forgot about it but then every few days I’d think again. I would go a few more days then think about it again and create fantasies in my head where I go through with it. 

[Ivy]

IDK.  It's hard to explain…  As a kid I was fascinated with the girls, but kept my distance.  After all, I was a boy - right?  As a teenager I realized that some of my mannerisms were more like the girls than the guys.  I trained myself to follow the guy ways.  I wondered if I was really a girl - but of course the physical reality ruled that out.

This was in the early 60's and I was in a conservative family environment.  For me the concept of transgender didn't even exist.

So I just tried to go on with my life and hope nobody found out my dark twisted secret.

 

I always found LGBT issues fascinating but repellent.  I was pretty transphobic (not violently or anything) but I now realize I was fighting with myself.  It took until my late 60's to peak into my closet.  There was no way to close it again.

[Zelaire]

God, that box/closet/bag/what-have-you is hard to close again once it's opened, isn't it?

[Katie M]

On 3/11/2022 at 7:12 AM, Jandi said:

There was no way to close it again.

Sort of like Pandora's Box - but in a good way!

[Heather Nicole]

On 3/1/2022 at 2:15 PM, Heather Shay said:

When was the first time you sensed something was wrong with your gender?

 

Ooh, tough question! It depends... First time that I was actually fully aware, at the time, that I was "questioning my gender"? Or earliest time that I only now, in retrospect, realize that what I'd been doing was related to gender questioning? Or...somewhere in between: the first time something actually registered to my conscious mind as being a...boy/girl...aberration?...of some sort(?)...and was fully aware it was gender-related and notable, but was still too naive to think of it as "questioning my gender"?

 

(Ugh, can ya tell I have backgrounds in IT and "annoyingly pedantic logic"? 😜)

 

I'd say there were three key "mind broadening" moments for me:

 

Moment #1: I was probably about 4, maybe 5, years old when I remember getting struck by a realization:

 

"Oh! I see now, necklaces are a 'girl' thing! [Very slight twinge of disappointment] So I guess, as a boy, I should stop playing with them because I don't want to get made fun of or be embarrassed."

 

It's funny, I still remember even exactly where I was when that thought hit me. And at that point, I did stop playing with necklaces/bracelets, for well over 30 years. I NEVER even once saw it as remotely significant until recently.

 

Moment #2: On the school bus in elementary school, I would've been at least second grade, no more than fifth. There was an urban legend circulating one day. Something about "camping outdoors", "three full moons", etc...you know, generic urban legend tropes. For this one, the conclusion from following the instructions was..."If you're a girl you turn into a boy, and if you're a boy you turn into a girl."

 

Well, I had three thoughts about THAT. First thought: "Ugh!!! How could anyone, ever be stooopid enough to actually believe such an obvious load of nonsense! Like, really???" Second thought: "!!!!!! OMG, I would sooooo totally try that if it were real!!! That would be sooo COOOL and amazing!!!!!" Third thought: "Whoa, whoa, whoa!...Where did THAT come from?!! I'd better keep that very, very secret!!!" And for about 30 years I did. Not one single soul was given so much as a hint, I made certain of that. I mean, after all, "I'm a guy", obviously, right? And that's that!

 

Moment #3: After several years in a row of increasingly resenting both reality itself and "being a guy" (especially in the summer), I barely manage to scrape up enough courage to register an account at on online..."trans"...space! Gasp!! (This one right here, of course) All just so I could, very awkwardly, ask some incredibly nagging questions about myself in comparison to the one and only, extremely limited, narrative I had ever heard about trans people. Finally, learning just how broad "the trans experience" (or even just "the gay experience") really is...well, that gave me my (self-imposed I now realize) green flag to "be trans", followed by a couple weeks of floating on air euphoria ("omg, OMG, I might actually be able live as female in my current lifetime! Impossible lifelong fantasy come true!"). Once I came down, the self-doubt and impostor syndrome monsters showed up, and that was when I was finally first fully-aware I was "gender questioning". 😊

[Maria Viklund]

On 3/2/2022 at 2:38 PM, Jackie C. said:

I probably should have really questioned it earlier, but EVERY boy cries themselves to sleep wishing they were a girl, right?

Right, totally normal. Did it myself on so many occations even as an adult. No cause for concern right?
I have always wanted to be "one of the girls" as far back as i can remember.
Allways felt sad about not have grown up doing all the things girls typically do and sharing the bond and friendship

girls have with each other.

I'm 50 now and out and it feels amazing. Done with the first base psycology evaluation and got my refferal to

the specialist team that will help me become my true self. Finally.

[Mary]

On 3/11/2022 at 4:12 PM, Jandi said:

IDK.  It's hard to explain…  As a kid I was fascinated with the girls, but kept my distance.  After all, I was a boy - right?  As a teenager I realized that some of my mannerisms were more like the girls than the guys.  I trained myself to follow the guy ways.  I wondered if I was really a girl - but of course the physical reality ruled that out.

This was in the early 60's and I was in a conservative family environment.  For me the concept of transgender didn't even exist.

So I just tried to go on with my life and hope nobody found out my dark twisted secret.

 

I always found LGBT issues fascinating but repellent.  I was pretty transphobic (not violently or anything) but I now realize I was fighting with myself.  It took until my late 60's to peak into my closet.  There was no way to close it again.

Gosh Jandi, I think you were reading my playbook! That's exactly my story!