Hello

[Emma De]

I discovered this forum and just wondered if reaching out might help me with my lifelong struggle with who I want, need and feel I am?

 

From a very early age when I asked to be taken to ballet I have known that I wanted to wear the girls clothes and be treated as one. I never really understood it and social conditioning made me learn it was not a good thing. This threw everything into turmoil and hiding for years and years.

 

Grasping every opportunity to dress as a youngster. I was not lucky enough to have a sister. So opportunities were rare. Drama shows and performances did work and I would volunteer. "Well if no one else will do it, I guess I could give it a go." was the phrase and inside I felt the sun was glowing so bright with the joy of this opportunity that people must notice.

 

My fashion sense must have made some people think, but my masking and sporting interests seemed to be a great disguise.

 

Shame, embarrassment and uncertainty have stalked me. I have cleared my stash, cutting items into tiny mm x mm squares so no one would know what it was before. I even made my own clothes adapted from items in my wardrobe when I was young and had hours in my bedroom to spend on it.

 

The internet arrived, but I never thought about this as a portal to this side of my world. I just focussed on fashion, being with women as much as possible and ignoring men and their ways.

 

I have been more depressed in recent years and struggled to keep my motivation for life. I realised this could be a dark place to travel and last October I came out to my wife and partner of the last 35 plus years. She has been amazing, but I feel the pressure on her may be too much so am trying a forum to be me. I have read some blogs, stories and slowly relaxed a little, but still have my dark days. I am lucky that dressing and make-up almost always help me. If it is more than a few days without then I soon realise I am not happy and depressed.

I have been able to be a little more open at home and with the support of my wife I have been able to shop, wear, buy and experiment without the fear of discovery. My secret stash came out and has become part of my wardrobe, hanging nicely with no more creases from hiding, with many new purchases as well.

 

I have not been outside, and use the lack of shoes in my size as the excuse. I have so many shops and sites open with baskets full of items from my wish list on line that I know this is an excuse and it will be interesting to see how strong this need becomes. I am pretty sure I know, but having waited all these years what is a few more?

 

I am learning how to do make-up and that just makes me smile, laugh and giggle with joy. Having a moment of looking in a mirror and not recognising myself with addition of the wig I also purchased is a dream. I am growing my hair and it is at the annoying stage of blowing everywhere, but has not style. I have a natural curl that I hope could be super cute. I suffer from the common issue of trying to dress too young, but I am very slim and can fit a size 10 lower half, but am quite powerfully built in the shoulders size 18. I also have the male issue of hairline so doubt long hair will work without something extra. Currently building up the confidence to visit a hair dresser and ask for a mtf hairstyle that could pass as both. Is that even a thing?

 

I am very nervous about this, but I guess from this long write up I am splurging and trying to be bold. I hope I have not been too boring and predictable, but the need to reach out and finally say hello has been achieved. So hello world of wonderful people who want to live as themselves but may face the same challenges I do.

 

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Emma.  Welcome!

 

I am happy that you are starting to discover yourself and that your wife is understanding.  Your story is quite familiar: many of us have similar tales.  Once we stop pretending to be who we are not, life gets a whole lot more enjoyable.

 

One thing that might help you is to find and talk to a good gender therapist.  That is a great process for sorting out all the confusing thoughts, and for deciding how you want to proceed in the future.

 

It is great that you found us.  Join in the discussions, ask questions, vent.  We are here for you.  THis is one of the most supportive places on the Internet.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Zelaire]

Welcome, Emma! I'll agree with Kathy that it's so great to hear you have understanding from your wife and that you've got a strong sense of what satisfies you and makes you happy. So encouraging to see!

[Katie M]

Welcome @Emma De! While there are many decisions to be made along your journey, you are BLESSED to have a wife who is willing to make the trip with you. I'm happy to meet you!💜

[DeeDee]

Hi @Emma De pleased to meet you.   

Women come in all shapes and sizes, and while not everyone feels a need to fully transition or even identify consistently as M or F, having a proffessional to talk to will help you to unlock and investigate that part you have spent so long protecting.

Depending on where you are I would suggest thinking about taking that step outside, either go for a walk somewhere so quiet you know you wont see anyone (I chose a forest walk and changed out of my oversized hoodie in the car), or go to a town/city where no one will know you and you can be just another stranger. That your spouse is supportive is great, it can be hard to express something that we never really knew how to vocalise ourselves.

[Delcina B]

Welcome Emma De! Glad you're here. Oh my, I try to dress my age & do most of the time, but in my mind I feel like a giddy teenage girl at times. I'm happy for you that your wife supports you. I've found wonderful support, advice & acceptance here & hope you do too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Emma De]

19 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, Emma.  Welcome!

 

I am happy that you are starting to discover yourself and that your wife is understanding.  Your story is quite familiar: many of us have similar tales.  Once we stop pretending to be who we are not, life gets a whole lot more enjoyable.

 

One thing that might help you is to find and talk to a good gender therapist.  That is a great process for sorting out all the confusing thoughts, and for deciding how you want to proceed in the future.

 

It is great that you found us.  Join in the discussions, ask questions, vent.  We are here for you.  THis is one of the most supportive places on the Internet.

 

Regards,

Kathy

Thank you Kathy. The therapist idea is something I have been considering in the past few months. I just need to find out how that works in my country. I think I might be lucky with the NHS. I just need to be brave and talk to my Doctor. Unfortunately the wonderful female doctor I had left just as I had built up a trust for her. I am now left with an older male doctor who seems very stuck in the old world view on everything. I know I shouldn't judge as it is part of his job to help. Still trust for me is everything.

[Emma De]

16 hours ago, Zelaire said:

Welcome, Emma! I'll agree with Kathy that it's so great to hear you have understanding from your wife and that you've got a strong sense of what satisfies you and makes you happy. So encouraging to see!

Thank you so much. My Wife has been amazing. She even spotted items in the basket of an online shop. I'm not very good at internet history, and now I don't need to hide anything. She surprised me by purchasing the make-up I had put in the basket.

[Emma De]

14 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Hi @Emma De pleased to meet you.   

Women come in all shapes and sizes, and while not everyone feels a need to fully transition or even identify consistently as M or F, having a proffessional to talk to will help you to unlock and investigate that part you have spent so long protecting.

Depending on where you are I would suggest thinking about taking that step outside, either go for a walk somewhere so quiet you know you wont see anyone (I chose a forest walk and changed out of my oversized hoodie in the car), or go to a town/city where no one will know you and you can be just another stranger. That your spouse is supportive is great, it can be hard to express something that we never really knew how to vocalise ourselves.

Thank you Dee Dee. I am not sure I am ready for going out yet, but it is becoming a stronger need. I do feel going now in the winter / spring might help me hide better. I also have children to consider and they don't know yet.

 

So step by little baby step I tread to find myself in this maze called life.

 

15 hours ago, Katie M said:

Welcome @Emma De! While there are many decisions to be made along your journey, you are BLESSED to have a wife who is willing to make the trip with you. I'm happy to meet you!💜

Thank you Katie. I realise that I am lucky to have support from my life long love. We have been together since our teens, and that is a long time ago.

[Emma De]

10 hours ago, Delcina B said:

Welcome Emma De! Glad you're here. Oh my, I try to dress my age & do most of the time, but in my mind I feel like a giddy teenage girl at times. I'm happy for you that your wife supports you. I've found wonderful support, advice & acceptance here & hope you do too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

 Thank you Delcina B. I feel that I missed my teens, so I do have some experimenting to catch up on. I have short skirts that look great with tights and leggings. I guess there must be a fashion page here somewhere?

My wife has made me blush by saying how cute and beautiful I look and wishing she had my legs. Then again she would say that. But the warm glow it ignited was amazing.

[Charlize]

Welcome Emma De,

  My wife was a bit different when i put on shorter skirts before going out.  She asked "who are you after?"   I kinda wondered about that but while chatting with another woman she mentioned rolling skirts up as a teen to flirt with and attract boys.  

I missed my teens as well.  Still like short skirts but i wear long skirts when going out or a pair of pants.  I guess i'm an older gal now but enjoy being me at any rate.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Emma De said:

The therapist idea is something I have been considering in the past few months. I just need to find out how that works in my country. I think I might be lucky with the NHS.

I didn't stop to check where in the world you are located until you mentioned that.  The NHS will provide the services you need, but they have a reputation for doing it  v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y.  If you are thinking of transitioning, start the process now, because their wait lists can be years long.  (You can always back out if you change your mind later.)

[Emma De]

35 minutes ago, Charlize said:

Welcome Emma De,

  My wife was a bit different when i put on shorter skirts before going out.  She asked "who are you after?"   I kinda wondered about that but while chatting with another woman she mentioned rolling skirts up as a teen to flirt with and attract boys.  

I missed my teens as well.  Still like short skirts but i wear long skirts when going out or a pair of pants.  I guess i'm an older gal now but enjoy being me at any rate.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thank you Charlize. I like all skirts. The swish and spinning feeling just blow my mind. I know what you mean about girls rolling up skirts.  When I was young I just looked at the girls with envy that I couldn't wear their uniform. I was sent to a Boy's school it was brutal back then. I mean in terms of the Boy's and the teachers, and to say I survived is not quite true as the impact took years to recover from. When I went to college and there were girls around I was so relieved and made friends very quickly in class, but was too shy out of class. As for going out dressed, well one day. I t took all my bravery to tell my wife last year. Now restoring my strength for the next stage. It is so draining of my life energy, but so worthwhile.

[Emma De]

4 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I didn't stop to check where in the world you are located until you mentioned that.  The NHS will provide the services you need, but they have a reputation for doing it  v-e-r-y   s-l-o-w-l-y.  If you are thinking of transitioning, start the process now, because their wait lists can be years long.  (You can always back out if you change your mind later.)

Thank you. I have heard that, but one step at a time. Telling a doctor feels like a mountain climb right now. I am enjoying dressing more openly and trying make-up, but there is a shadow that I feel and need to address. That may be telling family.

I am not sure what is the best order to open up to. Wife - tick, Children? my parents? Doctor for getting support?

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Emma De said:

I am not sure what is the best order to open up to. Wife - tick, Children? my parents? Doctor for getting support?

 

Everyone's priorities are different, so only you can decide that.

 

In my case, I knew that I needed to start with therapy.  But I also knew that that wouldn't fly with my wife.  I could imagine the conversation...  "Where are you going?"  "Oh, just to a therapist."  "What are you seeing a therapist about?"  "Um,  well..."  Not good!  So I decided that the first person I told had to be my wife. 

 

It worked for us, but everyone's circumstances are different.  Seeing a therapist first can help you to plan how to come out to a spouse or to other family members.

[DeeDee]

Hi Emma, I have kids and spent 2 years dressing while they were at school, or using public loos or quiet passing places once I got far enough away from the house. I realised before I did anything permanent I would need to experience the world as my feminine self. It is terrifying, but now I have told people, I dont have to hide quite so much when I am not at home. The NHS is a great service but is heavily overburdened and underfunded, for me I used the waiting time to my benefit - exploring sticking points and pushing my comfort zones out. After all I had somehow gotten to 40 without transitioning would a year or two really make much more difference if it was something I would be doing for the rest of my life?

They can offer you help while you are questioning and even refer you to a counsellor, but there is no pressure to dress or present a certain way, or continue to transition or to access the services if you dont want to. If you search for your local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) you will see if you can self refer (which is what I did, because there was no way I was going to tell my local GP) if not you will have to ask your GP to do so. I was fortunate and was seen in 9 months, but in England the wait times are much larger. To get to that point I used a dozen private online counselling sessions which culminated when I dressed as DeeDee for an appointment and accepted to myself that this was an issue that I needed to explore further if I ever wanted to find peace. I spent every session jealously looking at my therapists colourful nails, which seemed to change every week and wishing I could express myself like that lol.

[Emma De]

17 hours ago, DeeDee said:

Hi Emma, I have kids and spent 2 years dressing while they were at school, or using public loos or quiet passing places once I got far enough away from the house. I realised before I did anything permanent I would need to experience the world as my feminine self. It is terrifying, but now I have told people, I dont have to hide quite so much when I am not at home. The NHS is a great service but is heavily overburdened and underfunded, for me I used the waiting time to my benefit - exploring sticking points and pushing my comfort zones out. After all I had somehow gotten to 40 without transitioning would a year or two really make much more difference if it was something I would be doing for the rest of my life?

They can offer you help while you are questioning and even refer you to a counsellor, but there is no pressure to dress or present a certain way, or continue to transition or to access the services if you dont want to. If you search for your local GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) you will see if you can self refer (which is what I did, because there was no way I was going to tell my local GP) if not you will have to ask your GP to do so. I was fortunate and was seen in 9 months, but in England the wait times are much larger. To get to that point I used a dozen private online counselling sessions which culminated when I dressed as DeeDee for an appointment and accepted to myself that this was an issue that I needed to explore further if I ever wanted to find peace. I spent every session jealously looking at my therapists colourful nails, which seemed to change every week and wishing I could express myself like that lol.

Thank you for this Dee Dee. I looked online  for GIC with the NHS and the web site said they are now sorting first appointments from people who applied in November 2017. So the waiting time is bigger than I expected! I feel that as time goes by the need for support is growing. Having my Wife behind me is great, but I can't burden her as she has enough to deal with. I looked at self referral but it looks like the GP has to be on-board. So your post makes me realise that I need to do more. Someone else said to use the waiting time to learn more.  I am afraid of what I might find. I try to think of what I am doing is playing but I know it is far more significant than that. The deep inner joy and soothing impact is so wonderful that I know I will have to try and relax and look further. Oh gosh. There I was thinking coming out to my wife was the thing. Now I see that may have been opening a door, but the path goes on as life has to. So I now face more and more decisions and it looks like a parrallel path of me as I have been forced to live and me as I feel I am.

[Emma De]

International Women's day and the Women of Ukraine are top of my list for thoughts and prayers today. I see their plight as they seek to keep their children and babies safe. I see politicians clapping support, but what does that do. Especially as some just return to their offices and party?

 

I hope this slight political edge is acceptable, but Women must support Women as the men continue to fail to see the difficulties and issues we face, and I am only just beginning to fully see this 360 degrees. Prayer and support to all Women on this day.

[Emma De]

Becoming more emotional with each day and crying more and more. I don't see this as a weakness, just being able to let the tension out. Nothing compares to when I can dress as me, then relax and be me, but just can't do this enough. I feel selfish when I am me and that I have to withdraw to do it. I know I want to be me more and more but the balance between my traditional life and my true self is so difficult. I am not sure I can continue to balance the two. They seem to be tearing me apart and I am finding it harder and harder to keep both going.
How common are these feeling, I suspect they are familiar to many. I just don't feel I can go out and face the world as me yet, despite wanting to and feeling it could be the breakthrough I need. Oh it is so difficult. Coming out has helped, but the pain has actually grown as I feel I have admitted my secret truth.

[Ivy]

Welcome Emma.

 

 

[Emma De]

5 hours ago, Jandi said:

Welcome Emma.

 

 

Thank you Jandi

[Zelaire]

On 3/9/2022 at 11:01 AM, Emma De said:

but the pain has actually grown as I feel I have admitted my secret truth

I think I'm much much earlier in my journey, Emma, but just wanted to say that this statement is exactly what I have experienced, too. From the moment I finally let myself acknowledge that there was something going on, and that I couldn't continue to push it away, the thoughts and anxiety have been non-stop. So, here's one little voice telling you you're not alone in that. ❤️

[Susan R]

On 3/2/2022 at 7:34 AM, Emma De said:

I have been more depressed in recent years and struggled to keep my motivation for life. I realised this could be a dark place to travel and last October I came out to my wife and partner…

Welcome @Emma De….it’s really nice to meet you and to have you here on our forum.

 

If I showed this quoted text of yours to my wife, she’d say it’s a perfect description of the period that led up to my coming out to her and everyone else. For many of us, it becomes an overwhelmingly all consuming thought until you have no choice but to reveal this part of yourself to your spouse and later others.

 

I was also very worried about another closely related issue…..If I passed first, my wife would eventually find out about my life of crossdressing from countless others who knew and realize she never got to know the ‘real’ me. That thought saddened me because we have always been so close. I couldn’t bear for her to have any doubts about who I really was.

 

Being open and honest is such paramount part of good relationships. Isn’t it nice to know you can now feel at peace with that part of yourself in your relationship? It has made all the difference in mine, and in hindsight, I wish I had done it much sooner.😗

 

Thank you for sharing with us a part of your story. I hope to read more about you and your journey as you feel led.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Emma De]

8 hours ago, Zelaire said:

I think I'm much much earlier in my journey, Emma, but just wanted to say that this statement is exactly what I have experienced, too. From the moment I finally let myself acknowledge that there was something going on, and that I couldn't continue to push it away, the thoughts and anxiety have been non-stop. So, here's one little voice telling you you're not alone in that. ❤️

Dear Zelaire, Thank you so much and love and support to you. I am trying to understand that pain may be a part of life and to seek a silver lining in the fact that at least one other person in my house now knows the turmoil I am in. I hope you are able to find a person to hug and cuddle through the pain. Even though I sometimes push against it, as I feel I am hurting them to.

[Emma De]

3 hours ago, Susan R said:

Welcome @Emma De….it’s really nice to meet you and to have you here on our forum.

 

If I showed this quoted text of yours to my wife, she’d say it’s a perfect description of the period that led up to my coming out to her and everyone else. For many of us, it becomes an overwhelmingly all consuming thought until you have no choice but to reveal this part of yourself to your spouse and later others.

 

I was also very worried about another closely related issue…..If I passed first, my wife would eventually find out about my life of crossdressing from countless others who knew and realize she never got to know the ‘real’ me. That thought saddened me because we have always been so close. I couldn’t bear for her to have any doubts about who I really was.

 

Being open and honest is such paramount part of good relationships. Isn’t it nice to know you can now feel at peace with that part of yourself in your relationship? It has made all the difference in mine, and in hindsight, I wish I had done it much sooner.😗

 

Thank you for sharing with us a part of your story. I hope to read more about you and your journey as you feel led.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

Thank you Susan R. I am trying to cope. I am so lucky to have a supportive wife. She has even bought my little presents that mean so much. I worry that I am hurting her. but she said

"I love you. I love you as you and always will." her unconditional love is amazing. Yet still I am afraid to go further but feel I have to as there is no way to live as two people in one mind and body.

Love to all.