My therapist told me to

[Tara37]

Hi all!

I joined this site a couple of months ago because my therapist said that I should reach out to support group. Since I’ve joined, I haven’t contributed much and have tried to ignore every piece of myself that is transgender. However, I have been very unsuccessful and have been bottling everything up to the point that I’m about to explode, according to my therapist. She also said that my story needed to be told and that I needed to heard. So, against everything that I feel, I’m going to lay it all out there in hopes that I am not the only one going through this certain scenario. 

So… here it goes… I identify as a 37 year old trans female. I am married with a beautiful 7 year old daughter. I came out to my wife, through a letter, about 5 years ago. When she found out she was, understandably, very upset. After many arguments and long nights talking she has, grudgingly, accepted this side of me. Through our talks she has made it VERY clear that she is not attracted to women. Which is very understandable and upsetting because I love her so very much. Along our journey, we have had some very good times and some very bad times. Lately, the good times have been at the forefront, I believe, because of my therapist. My therapist has been so helpful and insightful. I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without her. 
All of that aside, here is my story… Since I can remember, I have had thoughts about wanting to be a girl. When I was very young I would sneak and wear girls clothes whenever I could. But, that was very few and far between while I was younger. 

Once I was able to drive on my own I would buy women’s clothes and wear them in secret. All throughout my time in the Navy I would secretly wear women’s clothes and for the longest time, I thought I was just a crossdresser. 
I met my wife a couple of years out of the Navy and for a time i suppressed all my feelings and was able to live a half way decent life. I even wrote a letter to her, that she never saw, stating that I was a crossdresser. But I soon realized that just crossdressing wasn’t my reality and I went went much deeper. Once I realized this I wrote her a very long letter and told her everything. This didn’t go over very  well at all… 
Now here I am, years later, wishing that I can transition but can’t unless I want to loose my wife. I love my wife very much and she says she feels the same way. But, she isn’t attracted to women, which I completely understand. That said, I REALLY don’t want to loose my wife. 
All of that aside, I have had suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I even attempted it on two separate occasions in 2014. Why I didn’t then is beyond me. Now I have a daughter to think about and I know I could never go through with it for her sake. But the thoughts of dying are constantly on my mind. My dilemma is… I would rather not live as a man… but, I could not live without my family. The only thing I can think to do is choose their happiness over mine. There happiness is worth so much more than mine… The way I feel… I don’t deserve to be happy…

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read my rambling. I really do appreciate it. 

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Oh sweetie...

 

Your story is a pretty familiar one. If you've been lurking, you've probably read it before. You probably see the parallels yourself. Here's the thing: The feelings don't go away. I personally said, "To heck with it," when I got so close to suicide that I was absolutely going to end it at the first opportunity.

 

I think the thing that you and your therapist need to look at is this: Are you happy with who you are? Does your family deserve this version of yourself or the real version of yourself? I think of my "Pretending to be cis" years as the "Angry -censored-" years. I have no idea why my wife stuck with me. I was miserable to be around.

 

Whatever you choose, you can always find support here. We get it.

 

Hugs! 

[Aggie1]

4 hours ago, Tara37 said:

Through our talks she has made it VERY clear that she is not attracted to women. Which is very understandable and upsetting because I love her so very much. Along our journey, we have had some very good times and some very bad times. Lately, the good times have been at the forefront, I believe, because of my therapist. My therapist has been so helpful and insightful. I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without her. 

So glad to hear you have a good therapist. That’s so important. I was wondering if your wife also has one? She’s obviously struggling with some issues and a good therapist might help her work through the same problems you’ve experienced.
 

I find it interesting that cis-gendered people are given a pass when they get upset while the rest of us are expected to bottle things up. It ought to be a two way street, equal partners. it’s not healthy to be upset over something you can’t control, and that’s where a therapist can help.

 

anyway, congratulations on your bravery in facing this issue and taking positive steps to own it and deal with it. This is no doubt the most difficult decision. My guess is it will get easier as time goes on. Keeping open the lines of communication is really important.

[Mackie]

Hello, I'm still not sure if I'm trans or not. One thing that keeps me from thinking about it deeply is my heterosexual marriage and my two children. So I understand your trouble.
You write "The only thing I can think to do is choose their happiness over mine". 

 

Can your family be happy when you are not? 

Don't you owe it to them to be honest with yourself? To do everything to make yourself happy in first place so that you are able to make your family happy? even if that means a divorce... I know, easy to say... Just some thoughts I'm sharing, sorry if it's to much 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Tara,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Yes, you do deserve happiness. Sometimes it just takes a long time to get there. It sounds like you're taking the right steps to put you on your way.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Tara.

 

That is a tough dilemma you are in.  You are certainly not alone in that situation of choosing between family or happiness.

 

My wife was not attracted to women.  But she did understand that this was exactly the kind of thing that she signed up for when she said "I do" to the "for better or for worse" part of our marriage vows.  She was not attracted to women, but she was attracted to me.  So she stuck by me as I transitioned.  And what she got was a much happier me, which was also a win for her.

 

The trade-off for your wife is whether she wants a spouse who is unhappy and who is just pretending to be male, or a happy, female spouse.  This is something that she might want to address either with your therapist or with one of her own.

 

And you have to work with your therapist on your side of that deal.  Is the happiness of being with family worth the unhappiness of not being yourself?

 

There are no easy answers, unfortunately.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Delcina B]

Welcome Tara! Glad you're here. Thank you for sharing your story ... and a lot of mine too. Ignored, tried to suppress my femme feelings, love my family, a wife who is not a lesbian, served in the military & other things trying to prove my manhood, & killing myself slowly with alcohol. I don't exactly know why I am the way I am, a transgender woman, but today instead of hating myself, I accept & love me. I am a better person today as I transition, not prone to fits of rage & self-destruction anymore. I travel this journey exploring my gender one step at a time, pause & see how it feels, if the dysphoria is still there, I take another one. I'm still traveling, but I have a lot less dysphoria than when I had tried to keep Delcina in a box. I think you'll find the loving support, advice & acceptance here as wonderful as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[DeeDee]

@Tara37 I cannot add anything to the advice already given, as my ex splitting up with me was the catalyst that made me start questioning, I had surpressed myself so much to try and be the perfect husband and eventually ended up just a shell. She is remarried and happier now, and my teenage children are both very supportive (my circumstances mean that my ex will be one of the last people I tell though,) the "Is it worth it?" question is such a hard one to wrestle with, for me I wanted my children to grow up knowing that people should love them for who they are, and I reasoned that if I could not live that truth for myself then how could I expect them to? Good luck moving forwards.

[Tara37]

To all who have replied to my post, I am very grateful for the level of support you all have shown me. You all pose some very tough thoughts and questions. But, I truly appreciate the time you’ve taken out of your day to respond. 
I definitely have a lot to try to figure out. I don’t know how to go about figuring those things out yet. But, with this type of group and all of your vast experiences I can tell I’ve come to the right place. 
Thank you again for taking the time to read and post on this thread. 

[Ticket For Epic]

Greetings and welcome, you are amongst friends!

 

I lost my wife because I was lying to mysel, f hiding from myself her and the world.  She may surprise you and the two of you may grow together or she may not.  But it sounds like the main issue is her sexuality and not your "trans-ness".  So if you live your truth you may lose your wife but that doesn't mean you'd lose your the relationship,  your friend and though the nature of the relationship may change it would not be lost.

 

My ex-wife and I are closer now than at any point in our marriage and I've come to view our separation as good and nessicary.  

 

You are in a complicated situation and I feel for you.  The suggestion of therapy for her is a great one and I might also suggest you point her in the direction of a similar forum to this one (So that you can have a safe space here) where she can engage with people who have had and been through similar experiences and ask questions without worrying about your thoughts and feelings.

 

May the worst of your future be the best of your past! 

 

Much love

[Robin73]

Hi Tara,

Welcome!

I totally understand your dilemma and really feel for you. Lots of good advice on here.

Robin x

[Zelaire]

Hi, Tara, and welcome. As someone married with kids and newly questioning, your story really resonates. One of the hopes I cling to is the same thing Kathy said above: She may not be in love with women, but she's in love with you. "She's Not There" was a well-written but hard book to read because it bubbled up my fears, but in the author's case there, too, her wife was not lesbian, but loved her spouse, and although it took time, they stayed together and found their way. Maybe none of us know what we'll be able to manage until we have to handle it, and maybe your wife will surprise you both. I certainly hope all the best for you. ❤️

[Tara37]

I’m not as active in this group as I would like to be. But I have been signing on and reading different posts as much as I can. From my little bit of exposure here, I can see that this is phenomenal group. I can’t thank everyone enough for the comments and amount of support. I wish I had the opportunity to address everyone that commented individually. But with work and family I can barely find a moment for myself. 
I am still not sure how to navigate life. But, you have all been so amazing and I thank you so very much. Your kind words mean a lot! Thank you!!

[pandyjak]

Thank you for sharing. We have almost the same exact story with different outcomes. My wife left me after reading my letter, it was not pleasant. We didn't have a child but the divorce was ugly and we were both in the service. I lost almost all my friends and was so alone. It's very difficult still. But I'm publicly out. All I can say is that there are good days but the bad days don't stop. I spend a lot of time trying enjoy the good ones and not dwell on the bad. Please hang in there and let me know if you want to chat with someone who gets it. My therapist also suggested finding a group, which is why im here. Since you put yourself out there so will I. Be safe, be you!

[Katie M]

Hi, Tara! I really can't add much in the way of advice - but just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say "welcome"!💜

[Tara37]

On 3/10/2022 at 7:15 PM, pandyjak said:

Thank you for sharing. We have almost the same exact story with different outcomes. My wife left me after reading my letter, it was not pleasant. We didn't have a child but the divorce was ugly and we were both in the service. I lost almost all my friends and was so alone. It's very difficult still. But I'm publicly out. All I can say is that there are good days but the bad days don't stop. I spend a lot of time trying enjoy the good ones and not dwell on the bad. Please hang in there and let me know if you want to chat with someone who gets it. My therapist also suggested finding a group, which is why im here. Since you put yourself out there so will I. Be safe, be you!

 

On 3/10/2022 at 7:15 PM, pandyjak said:

Thank you for sharing. We have almost the same exact story with different outcomes. My wife left me after reading my letter, it was not pleasant. We didn't have a child but the divorce was ugly and we were both in the service. I lost almost all my friends and was so alone. It's very difficult still. But I'm publicly out. All I can say is that there are good days but the bad days don't stop. I spend a lot of time trying enjoy the good ones and not dwell on the bad. Please hang in there and let me know if you want to chat with someone who gets it. My therapist also suggested finding a group, which is why im here. Since you put yourself out there so will I. Be safe, be you!

Hi, hearing your story about your wife is very saddening. I am sorry for the pain you’ve experienced. I know that things could have gone so much worse for me when I can out. But they didn’t and for that I am grateful. I definitely want to be my authentic self. But it is very scary. Putting yourself out there, I know from experience, is very nerve racking. So, I thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread. 

[pandyjak]

3 hours ago, Tara37 said:

But it is very scary.

 

I agree. Thanks for being there.