Hello everyone

[New_Anna]

Hi all,

I'm Anna and I have just recognised who I actually am.

I have been living according to social norms for 42 years.

It took a mental breakdown and 4 months of therapy that allowed me to explore who I actually was.

When I realised and told my wife it was the most joyous thing I have ever felt. A feeling I do not think I have ever experienced, like the grey mist had lifted.

Anyhow, I thought I would just pop in and say hi to you all.

Anna.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Anna.  Welcome to Trans Refuge!

 

Sorry to hear about your breakdown, but I am glad that the recovery has started you discovering who you really are.  Can I assume from your joyous reaction to telling your wife that she is supportive?  If so, congratulations!  This journey is so much easier with a supportive spouse.

 

Stick around and join in the conversations.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Katie M]

Hello, Anna! It's wonderful that you've started your journey...there are no dull moments from here on...LOL! Welcome to TGP!💜

[Susan R]

2 hours ago, New_Anna said:

It took a mental breakdown and 4 months of therapy that allowed me to explore who I actually was.

Welcome @New_Anna, It’s a pleasure to meet you and have you on our forum. So many of us have some event— life threatening, very traumatic experience, and/ or unexpected perspective shift that can cause the sudden need to address the real issue(s) in our lives. I call them triggers and it took two for me to come to the conclusion I was really a female and at that point could no longer deny it. As hard as it is to come to that realization, it is often the start of great things to come.

 

I am glad your here to share some of your journey with us if your comfortable with the idea. I personally would enjoy reading what lead you to this trigger event and maybe a little back story or timeline of your journey thus far. No pressure whatsoever!🙂

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[New_Anna]

Thank you all for the lovely welcome.

I'd like to share a little bit of the detail. I've shared this so much over the last 4 months with multiple therapists, family and friends that I am comfortable enough sharing it here. It is a part of me.

As all great stories start, it all began when I was younger; a lot younger.

I was about 2 years old, my father worked away alot so it was just me, my mum and my brother.

Then my mum had to go away and my brother and I went to live with our grandparents. 

I didn't take much stock in this change as an adult, however it very much shaped my life.

Not to put labels on things, but this resulted in emotional childhood abandonment. My grandparents were a tad narcissistic to say, very focused on themselves which resulted in me being a people pleaser, and the need to conform to social norms. 

Now my grandmother was in the fashion industry, so I had access to a lot of clothes and cloths. You guess it, girl clothes are the ones I went for. But being terrified of "losing" people I did not share and it was done in secret and filled with fear.

My grandfather was old school and did not shy away from using a cane, I mean who owns a cane...

Eventually my mother was back after about 3 years, and we moved house.

The next memorial event was around 10, I would tuck my genitals and wear my mother's make up. This didn't last however as we moved again to the country (pitch forks and torches sort of crowd)  and access to make up was restricted. I started covering up my body alot, I did not like what I saw as I went through puberty, I was skinny, my arm did not have the largeness of a "typical" male physic, I did not like using urinals or getting undressed in front of people, e.g boys changing rooms, and have not since.

Moving on to my 20s, I became confused sexually, being with girls felt right but wrong so I thought I like men, but it wasn't that either. In reflection I now know that I liked being with girls, I was just my own male aspect was the wrongness.

I suffered from depression and ended up self harming. My forearms took the brunt of the harm.

Went through CBT and was medicated and was shifted back to my people pleasing mode again and became a "man" again. Then I met my wife, she is the love of my life and we had our first child. Life was good, life was busy. Enter second child and the wonderful benefit of my work to take 5 months paternity leave. During this time I began looking inward and the feeling of wrongness in my body started to come back. I reached out to a trans chat group (don't recall which one) and explained my want to be in a female body, on hindsight I did not know how to approach this topic and I was met with dismissal from 1 individual. "Sounds like a fantasy rather than anything real" those words cut deep and I started believing them. So I buried Anna. 

Over the next 8 years, I was busy with work. Low level depression was always there, but I delt with it in the most unhealthy way. Put it in boxes, put the boxes away and never open them.

4 months ago, all my boxes collapsed. I could no longer focus on simple tasks (which was a major part of my job, being a Project Manager), physical pain on the skin in uncomfortable situations, constant tiredness and brain fog. I was signed off work for 2 months.

8 sessions of CBT helped a bit, but another 2 months was signed off. I started EMDR which is designed to address trauma, and through that I came to the realisation that my sense of fear and constant failure was because I had not accepted who I was. Once I realised everything clicked. I told my wife (who is bisexual) and she took it really well. She had her concerns for the future around coming out to kids, family and friends, but supported me 100%

That was a week ago, and I know people will say it is just a phase or a mid life crisis, both therapists have stated that it is not the case as it has been with me my whole life and I have never been so sure about anything in my life.

 

Thank you for reading my story and I hope there is not too many spelling or grammar mistakes 😀 

Anna

[KathyLauren]

Anna, thank you for sharing your story.  It is one that a lot of us can relate to!  You won't find anyone here saying that it is just a phase.  This stuff is real, and your story is typical.  You are in good company here.

[Robin73]

Hi Anna,

Welcome!

Sounds as though things are heading the right way for you. Good to hear your wife is supportive.

Robin x

[Charlize]

Welcome Anna.  I certainly can relate to dressing in private, filled with fear of being found out.  I was a bit older when i found acceptance and openness about my gender.  Being here and sharing with others has helped me a great deal as has therapy. 

It has been a revelation that i'm not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Roxiee]

On 3/5/2022 at 11:30 AM, New_Anna said:

Thank you all for the lovely welcome.

I'd like to share a little bit of the detail. I've shared this so much over the last 4 months with multiple therapists, family and friends that I am comfortable enough sharing it here. It is a part of me.

As all great stories start, it all began when I was younger; a lot younger.

I was about 2 years old, my father worked away alot so it was just me, my mum and my brother.

Then my mum had to go away and my brother and I went to live with our grandparents. 

I didn't take much stock in this change as an adult, however it very much shaped my life.

Not to put labels on things, but this resulted in emotional childhood abandonment. My grandparents were a tad narcissistic to say, very focused on themselves which resulted in me being a people pleaser, and the need to conform to social norms. 

Now my grandmother was in the fashion industry, so I had access to a lot of clothes and cloths. You guess it, girl clothes are the ones I went for. But being terrified of "losing" people I did not share and it was done in secret and filled with fear.

My grandfather was old school and did not shy away from using a cane, I mean who owns a cane...

Eventually my mother was back after about 3 years, and we moved house.

The next memorial event was around 10, I would tuck my genitals and wear my mother's make up. This didn't last however as we moved again to the country (pitch forks and torches sort of crowd)  and access to make up was restricted. I started covering up my body alot, I did not like what I saw as I went through puberty, I was skinny, my arm did not have the largeness of a "typical" male physic, I did not like using urinals or getting undressed in front of people, e.g boys changing rooms, and have not since.

Moving on to my 20s, I became confused sexually, being with girls felt right but wrong so I thought I like men, but it wasn't that either. In reflection I now know that I liked being with girls, I was just my own male aspect was the wrongness.

I suffered from depression and ended up self harming. My forearms took the brunt of the harm.

Went through CBT and was medicated and was shifted back to my people pleasing mode again and became a "man" again. Then I met my wife, she is the love of my life and we had our first child. Life was good, life was busy. Enter second child and the wonderful benefit of my work to take 5 months paternity leave. During this time I began looking inward and the feeling of wrongness in my body started to come back. I reached out to a trans chat group (don't recall which one) and explained my want to be in a female body, on hindsight I did not know how to approach this topic and I was met with dismissal from 1 individual. "Sounds like a fantasy rather than anything real" those words cut deep and I started believing them. So I buried Anna. 

Over the next 8 years, I was busy with work. Low level depression was always there, but I delt with it in the most unhealthy way. Put it in boxes, put the boxes away and never open them.

4 months ago, all my boxes collapsed. I could no longer focus on simple tasks (which was a major part of my job, being a Project Manager), physical pain on the skin in uncomfortable situations, constant tiredness and brain fog. I was signed off work for 2 months.

8 sessions of CBT helped a bit, but another 2 months was signed off. I started EMDR which is designed to address trauma, and through that I came to the realisation that my sense of fear and constant failure was because I had not accepted who I was. Once I realised everything clicked. I told my wife (who is bisexual) and she took it really well. She had her concerns for the future around coming out to kids, family and friends, but supported me 100%

That was a week ago, and I know people will say it is just a phase or a mid life crisis, both therapists have stated that it is not the case as it has been with me my whole life and I have never been so sure about anything in my life.

 

Thank you for reading my story and I hope there is not too many spelling or grammar mistakes 😀 

Anna

Hey Anna welcome sorry for the late reply, so lovely to have you! Love ur name btw!

 

Xx