I’ve experienced two different types of anxiety

[Deseret P]

I’ve always had horrible anxiety as long as I can remember. The last ten years or so I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself “what’s wrong with me? Something is clearly wrong and I can’t figure it out.” I would even make timeline of my life and try to find the moment, never able to come up with anything except realizing you’ve spent ten plus years not really doing anything. Why is it so hard for someone or even a movie / show to keep my attention without my mind wandering? Why do I end up spending so much time alone? Why would I have a visit with family or friends feeling like an actor when I left? Also feeling guilty because I spent the whole

time in my anxious head. Always aware of how I’m walking or talking and even changing them and thinking “This is the right way to walk and this is how you walk from now on.” 
That was the anxiety before I realized I was transgender (I thought it was just a ten year fetish). 
The anxiety now is different. There’s a pleasure to it for many reasons. All those videos I watched where people were going through with it that I loved so much was quickly becoming my reality too. I’m doing what I told myself i could never do “if I was in that situation”. Making plans in my head of who I can tell first and what steps I’m gonna take. It’s also euphoric because it’s an answer to a question I’ve been asking for years and an answer I didn’t expect. It’s also mixed with fear and just something new and unfamiliar but somehow still better than that first type of anxiety. 
 

I know this is me and I know I want to go forward because I have three options: go back to the guy I was (doesn’t seem to be an option), just stay where I am now and dress up at home in secret (it’s not enough for me) or mtf transition (seems to be the only option). I’m overwhelmed with clarity. ❤️ 
 

 

[KathyLauren]

I can totally relate to the "What is wrong with me?" anxiety.  I had that for decades.  Congratulations on finding clarity!

[Samuel William]

I definitely relate, too. So many years of wondering why I couldn’t just get over myself and get on with things the way everyone else seemed to…..

 

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit recently, actually. I’ve been working through some exercises from a book on gender exploration which asked me to think about my experiences of gender as a child. As I write out my answers to each one, I get a clearer and clearer picture of my kid self being shoved back into the ‘girl’ box, time and time again, by people with the best intentions in the world and no idea what it was doing to me. So many times I’d do something that seemed natural to me only to find out that it was ‘wrong’ somehow, like the time I got a severely disappointed lecture from my mother because I wasn’t the slightest bit interest in the dainty little charm bracelet a relative gave me for my birthday when I was around 12, and apparently I hurt his feelings by not wanting to try it on.
 

I feel like, for me, a lot of the anxiety I’ve lived with comes from experiences like that, from that feeling that what I want and what I’m supposed to want are vastly different. Living as female has never once felt natural to me, and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been in that position can possibly understand how exhausting it is to continually try (and continually fail) to live up to society’s gendered expectations when they don’t match up with your own inner feelings. 
 

@Deseret P, I know exactly what you mean about the different types of anxiety. Letting go of all the worries about not succeeding at one gender is very freeing, but then comes the next stage: how the heck do I actually do this? Where do I start? Is it actually possible that this will finally make my life make sense, or is this another doomed attempt to make myself comfortable in my own skin? What do I actually want from this?

I’ve come to the conclusion that that last question is the big one for me. I’ve spent so long trying to want the things I’m ‘supposed’ to want that I’m not sure what I actually do want anymore! I want to transition - that’s no longer a doubt in my mind - but that can look like so many different things. Thrilling, yes, but also overwhelming…..