New Changes

[Sol]

Been a while since I've been here! 

I'll cut to the chase: I thought I had things mostly figured out, and that agender was the one for me. With more recent experiences, I'm back at square one.

I know gender envy is a thing, but it happens pretty much exclusively with trans guys, not cis guys, and I have no idea why. I see pictures of top surgery and one basically sent me into a spiral because "I want that, why can't I have that?" I almost cried when I found the hairstyle I wanted, because that's how my hair is supposed to look and it doesn't look like that now. 

I also had my very supportive friend run a pronoun experiment. And the big difference was that being called "he" was fine. It used to make me anxious, but I'm starting to think that it's because I was trying to say it around my family. Being misgendered and called "she" had been going from frustrating to painful, and I keep going toward more masculine things. Trying to deepen my voice, I keep wearing crew necks to hide my cleavage and breasts like I always do, I bought a dress that I look at and know I'll never wear. All of it is just getting so much and it's been building for so long. And a lot of the things I want are things like a breast reduction or just top surgery, bottom growth, a deeper voice, all of these things I've wanted and I keep looking in the mirror and thinking "This isn't me. This isn't what I'm supposed to look like." I'm not out to my family yet, and it's been stressful and frustrating because I don't know how to say it. Everytime I've tried in the past has come out wrong and just caused an argument because my mom doesn't understand and I can't magically make her. She wants to hear the reasons for everything and I don't have any other reasons than "This is how I feel. I think I've figured out why I always think I'm ugly and why it's so hard to fit in with girls snd why I always tried to move away from it." I still move away from more feminine stuff at a rapid rate. I still like pink, I still like my stuffed animals, but I don't wear dresses, rarely wear skirts, I wear makeup literally once in a blood moon (if that), and I've stopped shaving. 

And my mom has a problem with some of this, especially the shaving. She said it was gross and that it made my dad look masculine, and made me look "confusing." Maybe confusing is the first step. 

I'm not out, so I've been figuring this stuff out on my own, and it's really hard and stressful. And I don't know what else to do.

[sevan]

On 3/19/2022 at 11:59 PM, Sol said:

And a lot of the things I want are things like a breast reduction or just top surgery, bottom growth, a deeper voice, all of these things I've wanted and I keep looking in the mirror and thinking "This isn't me. This isn't what I'm supposed to look like."

not a transboy but that is what a lot of transboys struggle with their gender identity. they dont feel like theyre in the right body and they strive to be more physically masculine too

from what you said youre definitely within the transmasc umbrella. i cant pinpoint where exactly you are but since youre feeling hypermasculine atm then consider identifying as a transboy for now

 

it may be irrelevant but i also feel hypermasc and identified as a transboy before; but that was just a sudden strong urge to stray away from my agab due to gender dysphoria and the feelings slowly damped when people started accepting my identity more and now im feeling content in my current body [its androgynous enough and i want to bind soon] so i now identify as a masc nonbinary since i dont feel like a boy entirely

i will share my experience here in case you start feeling the same so you wont be as confused when that happens

[DonkeySocks]

On 3/19/2022 at 10:59 AM, Sol said:

Everytime I've tried in the past has come out wrong and just caused an argument because my mom doesn't understand and I can't magically make her. She wants to hear the reasons for everything and I don't have any other reasons than "This is how I feel. I think I've figured out why I always think I'm ugly and why it's so hard to fit in with girls snd why I always tried to move away from it."

I guess one big question would be, if you had the "right" reasons would she respect your coming-out? Obviously your feelings are valid and your response as you've shared it here is valid. Your mom's anxiety is not your problem to solve, and giving reasons, even if you had them, isn't your responsibility.

[Sol]

Hey @sevan and @DonkeySocks! 

Thank you two for replying, and I thought it's time to officially share the new changes. I can't believe I made this 7 months ago! Time flies! 

I have figured out what I want better, and I definitely know I'm a trans man. Granted, one who is more gender nonconforming but definitely masculine. I've been exploring it more and I've been cultivating a space where I feel accepted, so it's been a big slew of overall positive changes! Even made a new friend! 

As for how my family takes it: My younger sibling (who I will be calling Monkey) is genuinely one of my biggest supporters and that hasn't changed. It's honestly done wonders for our relationship, we feel a lot closer than we did a couple years ago. Dad is more chill and had a bit of a... non-reaction almost. As long as I'm happy and safe, that's good enough for him. 

Mom and I did have another argument, again, it's hard for her to understand, but I'd honestly say that instead of breaking or straining our relationship, we've been able to bounce back and are working on just trying to understand each other better. It's gonna take time and patience, but I think we'll get there. 

I'll cover some other things in my documenting thread later. There's lots of changes, and I'm happy to report they've been pretty good!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'm glad the changes have been going well for you.  Parents are usually an issue, I think.  Hopefully you can continue to have a relationship with yours.  I live 30 minutes from my parents and haven't talked to them in a couple of years.  They couldn't accept me as lesbian or bisexual, so they definitely wouldn't accept my intersex/trans nature.  🙄

 

I noticed that shaving was an issue for the folks around you.  I definitely feel what that's like.  I've never wanted to shave any part of myself, even in my girl form.  I left my legs, armpits, and other areas alone.  My mother and brothers were always griping about it, even though my hair grows thin and fine.  But...being yourself attracts friends and romantic partners to you who will accept you for who you are.  My partners have never minded me in my natural state, which has also made it easier for them to accept me in my boy form.  Win-Win.  Hopefully it works like that for you!  😊

[DonkeySocks]

2 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

being yourself attracts friends and romantic partners to you who will accept you for who you are.

True!

 

@Sol It's heartwarming to hear the progress you are making. Having some supportive family members is huge. My dad didn't react much to my coming out, because he really is that non-judgmental. He always tries to understand where people are coming from. It's good to hear how excited your tone is about how it's all developing in your life. Also, hopefully, since you now know you identify as a guy, you can be secure in your masculinity so you can enjoy gender-nonconforming things.

[sevan]

5 hours ago, Sol said:

I have figured out what I want better, and I definitely know I'm a trans man. Granted, one who is more gender nonconforming but definitely masculine. I've been exploring it more and I've been cultivating a space where I feel accepted, so it's been a big slew of overall positive changes! Even made a new friend! 

im glad your journey has been smooth m8. ill look forward to more updates!

[Sol]

Yesterday was a day for progress, it seems! 

My mom and I have actually managed to sit down and have a conversation about my gender, our views on pregnancy, and overall topics like my childhood and I would say it was pretty informative, even if it didn't start out that way. 

It did start with an article from a detransitioner, and while I wholeheartedly believe that detransitioners deserve support and care, I also know that their situation just... doesn't apply to me. 

I've known since early childhood that I never really felt like anything, but I always admired and honestly envied more masculine people. Obviously as I got older and as I learned more about how I felt and how that related to my gender, I still know that I'm a trans man. My own definition of man is looser, it's why I'm very gender nonconforming and it's probably why I had a hard time with figuring out how I felt and how I wanted to identify. 

I also learned about something called a uterine ablation, which is basically reducing or getting rid of the uterine lining, and it carries less risk than a hysterectomy so it's something I'll continue to look into in the future. And my mom told me about this, and honestly I felt it was very supportive because she wanted me to be safer in a way. 

Obviously things like HRT (I'm not 100% on if I want to microdose or do full doses yet) and any sort of surgery are a long ways off, but the possibilities are there. Honestly, just the fact that my mom and I were able to talk about this without it turning into an argument or one of us getting upset is *amazing*. I don't have the words to fully articulate it but it feels like a massive step in the right direction. 

Dad is being Dad, and my sibling is still one of my biggest supporters and I feel pretty hopeful. Fingers crossed, y'all, fingers crossed.

[Mottled]

On 11/13/2022 at 7:44 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I'm glad the changes have been going well for you.  Parents are usually an issue, I think.  Hopefully you can continue to have a relationship with yours.  I live 30 minutes from my parents and haven't talked to them in a couple of years.  They couldn't accept me as lesbian or bisexual, so they definitely wouldn't accept my intersex/trans nature.  🙄

 

I noticed that shaving was an issue for the folks around you.  I definitely feel what that's like.  I've never wanted to shave any part of myself, even in my girl form.  I left my legs, armpits, and other areas alone.  My mother and brothers were always griping about it, even though my hair grows thin and fine.  But...being yourself attracts friends and romantic partners to you who will accept you for who you are.  My partners have never minded me in my natural state, which has also made it easier for them to accept me in my boy form.  Win-Win.  Hopefully it works like that for you!  😊

I'm sorry your parents aren't reaching out to you. Everybody deserves kindness, empathy and understanding. Hopefully time will offer some healing.