I Told My Wife, and Nothing Exploded...

[Zelaire]

So many of you were so kind when I first posted my introduction message about my anxiety around sharing my questioning with my wife. You gave me such thoughtful and helpful advice, and I just wanted to let you know I took it and put it to good use. This past Monday I took the day off work to spend with my wife, and started (after the kids were off to school) by asking her to spend a few minutes for a chat. I had written some notes to help me through it. About a month ago, I'd had an opportunity to approach the gender topic in general over lunch with her when I found out a musician we like had come out some time recently as non-binary. That was my "in" to see what her thoughts were on the topic, and I learned she's had her own gender journey. I was able to use that as an in-road to our Monday talk.

I'll spare the gory details, except to say that she listened patiently and sympathetically through the whole thing, and then we had a good conversation. A couple times she told me how she felt bad that I'd been dealing with these things for so long. We were practical about our kids, and she prefers that if I do anything about this, that it wait until they graduate from high school so they're not confused. I'm not sure it's something that can stay in the bottle for another six years 'til our youngest is on his way, but both of us share the opinion that our kids are our top priority. I don't even know yet where my head is at and what I'd want to do. I've been able to find a therapist specializing in gender issues, and my first appointment is this coming Friday, so I hope to get their help working through these sorts of questions.

At one point she mentioned that if I were to decide I wanted to live as a woman (the phrase she used), she'll support me if I wanted to live separately. She seemed to think it would be effectively required, as I gather she couldn't imagine how I'd do that surrounded by the people--friends, neighbors, job and colleagues--who know me as I am today. I told her that from what I've learned, lots of people transition "in situ" without cutting ties and starting a new life, and I would never want to leave her. I'm curious about whether anyone else here has either thought, or had people close to them who thought, that "starting a new life" was necessary after a transition?

All in all, she wasn't freaked out at all. She didn't break down in tears, express feeling betrayed for me hiding things, or threaten to leave, which were some of the nightmares I had. She reiterated that she's always known I'm more feminine than masculine, and that she loves how I've never pressured her with expectations of her own gender role. I wonder how much her cultural background also factored into her stance; she's Japanese, so she didn't grow up in a conservative Christian environment, and she was also always "the nail that stuck up (and got hammered down)" to borrow an expression, which I think plays into her live and let live attitude.

I'm so very happy for the advice I got here and from my previous therapist that helped me get to this point, and over the moon that my wife is still my wife, and loves me as I am. I know there's a long road to go still, but this has dissipated so much anxiety.

Thank you, everyone! ❤️

[Guest]

How wonderful to read this. This has to be a huge burden removed from your shoulders. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Zelaire, I'm glad things turned as well as they did.  As you mentioned, it could have been a lot worse.  Have patience with her - it often takes months for a spouse to come to terms with all the changes.  Mine did.  Sometimes they never do come to terms with it, and marriages dissolve.  But there are plenty on this site who experienced the opposite.  Also, you and she shouldn't worry excessively about the kids; they are far more resilient than you might imagine.  But in the end, it is your collective decisions that matter.  I wish you luck. 

 

Carolyn Marie

[Zelaire]

On 3/20/2022 at 9:40 PM, Jamie73 said:

How wonderful to read this. This has to be a huge burden removed from your shoulders.

Oh my god, yes it has been. 😄 Thank you, Jamie!

 

23 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

But in the end, it is your collective decisions that matter.  I wish you luck.

Thanks for your advice, Carolyn Marie! I think she and I both need patience, so I'm taking that to heart. ❤️

[Erin Elizabeth]

I'm so glad that it so well for you, my situation was much more difficult. 

[ithinkjenny]

Amazing news hopefully you don't have to wait the whole 6 years but fingers crossed for your future xxx

[Bri2020]

On 3/20/2022 at 9:17 PM, Zelaire said:

So many of you were so kind when I first posted my introduction message about my anxiety around sharing my questioning with my wife. You gave me such thoughtful and helpful advice, and I just wanted to let you know I took it and put it to good use. This past Monday I took the day off work to spend with my wife, and started (after the kids were off to school) by asking her to spend a few minutes for a chat. I had written some notes to help me through it. About a month ago, I'd had an opportunity to approach the gender topic in general over lunch with her when I found out a musician we like had come out some time recently as non-binary. That was my "in" to see what her thoughts were on the topic, and I learned she's had her own gender journey. I was able to use that as an in-road to our Monday talk.

I'll spare the gory details, except to say that she listened patiently and sympathetically through the whole thing, and then we had a good conversation. A couple times she told me how she felt bad that I'd been dealing with these things for so long. We were practical about our kids, and she prefers that if I do anything about this, that it wait until they graduate from high school so they're not confused. I'm not sure it's something that can stay in the bottle for another six years 'til our youngest is on his way, but both of us share the opinion that our kids are our top priority. I don't even know yet where my head is at and what I'd want to do. I've been able to find a therapist specializing in gender issues, and my first appointment is this coming Friday, so I hope to get their help working through these sorts of questions.

At one point she mentioned that if I were to decide I wanted to live as a woman (the phrase she used), she'll support me if I wanted to live separately. She seemed to think it would be effectively required, as I gather she couldn't imagine how I'd do that surrounded by the people--friends, neighbors, job and colleagues--who know me as I am today. I told her that from what I've learned, lots of people transition "in situ" without cutting ties and starting a new life, and I would never want to leave her. I'm curious about whether anyone else here has either thought, or had people close to them who thought, that "starting a new life" was necessary after a transition?

All in all, she wasn't freaked out at all. She didn't break down in tears, express feeling betrayed for me hiding things, or threaten to leave, which were some of the nightmares I had. She reiterated that she's always known I'm more feminine than masculine, and that she loves how I've never pressured her with expectations of her own gender role. I wonder how much her cultural background also factored into her stance; she's Japanese, so she didn't grow up in a conservative Christian environment, and she was also always "the nail that stuck up (and got hammered down)" to borrow an expression, which I think plays into her live and let live attitude.

I'm so very happy for the advice I got here and from my previous therapist that helped me get to this point, and over the moon that my wife is still my wife, and loves me as I am. I know there's a long road to go still, but this has dissipated so much anxiety.

Thank you, everyone! ❤️

This is great news!  How's it been since?  I noticed when I came out that a lot of people had an initial reaction, usually supportive or at least "oh- ok then" kinda thing.  After a bit, they had time to absorb things and process and then came back to talk about it more. Mostly supportive questions.  The "living separately" thing is probably about her, not you. You've seen from being on the forum that most of us who live out full time don't really have that much in the way of issues with neighbors and friends.  We understand what we are signing up for by the time we come out. Spouses however, haven't even thought about this before and all they see initially are the challenges. For them, it's not the liberating experience.  They have to explain things to people about you and even awkward questions about them.  It also challenges their own sexual identity. 

As for kids: these days kids are so amazing. They probably know more about gender issues and know more trans/non binary people than you. My kids didn't even bat an eye (they were college age) and my neighbors kids of all ages just accepted it and moved on like it was nothing. Once again though, your wife is afraid right now. That stance may soften considerably.  The challenge for you now is: what are you going to do now that you have cracked that egg? It gets really hard to keep that secret bottled up once you tell someone. You're probably going to want to keep pushing forward. Especially as you get more positive responses. Lots of stuff for you new therapist . lol. Best of luck, keep coming back here for support, we've got your back.

Hugs

[SaraB]

That is such a good result. A level of discussion that I would have wished for with my wife.

[Susan R]

On 3/20/2022 at 6:17 PM, Zelaire said:

All in all, she wasn't freaked out at all. She didn't break down in tears

@Zelaire Wow, This is a very positive first reaction. I am so happy for you. Continuing the civil communication with your spouse is so important at this point but also look for any verbal or nonverbal queues that may be telling you she’s feeling a bit overwhelmed or fatigued about the news.

 

Like @Bri2020 said in her amazing reply, “For them, it's not the liberating experience.  They have to explain things to people about you and even awkward questions about them.  It also challenges their own sexual identity.“ Bri’s statement is so true for so many of our spouses. Knowing this, just keep in mind that your spouse’s initial response may likely change a bit so be ready to comfort her and/or give her time if you think she needs it. I realize you may have to slow down because of the children but you likely find it’s very easy for us to get going faster than we realize once we get our first green light. Staying on the same page as is also important. It’s the pulling away and taking away any of their feeling of control within the relationship that can cause negative outcomes and eventual pushback. All in all, I think your experience is a sign of some good things to come. Keep us updated if you can and congrats on this big step in your journey!😀

 

My Best,

Susan R🌷

 

[Zelaire]

Thank you all so much for the positive encouragement and advice!

@Erin Elizabeth and @SaraB, I'm sorry you had struggles. I'm encouraged to meet you and read your comments here, though--it suggests to me that you've found your roads forward, and that's powerful.
And @Miss idk, I hope you're right, too. But for now, it's probably not a bad idea for me to pump the brakes anyway.

As Bri and Susan predicted, my wife and I are still processing slowly but together. 

My new therapist--I've seen her twice now--has suggested that the way to figure out who I am and what I need is to take small exploratory steps and think on the feelings I have with each. I mentioned this to my wife, and although she wasn't angry or cold, she made it clear she's not ready to see that. She said she still needs time to figure out how she feels about everything. She's also made a few statements that, in reading between the lines, I can tell mean that she's hoping this may be a part-time thing that can happen when she's not around. I think she's holding on to how things have been in fear of what could happen. Which I absolutely understand. I'm scared, too. 

If you'll indulge me, the whole situation keeps reminding me of this pair of scenes from Doctor Who. (I process a lot of my feelings through fiction.) 😅
The Doctor is about to regenerate into a new body, and he gives a speech about change, saying:
"We all change, when you think about it. We're all different people, all through our lives. And that's okay, that's good, you gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people you used to be."
Here's a video: 

 

And this has to be followed by a scene that comes at the end of the next episode, where the Doctor's companion, Clara, is struggling to deal with this change in the person she cares for. The Doctor in his new face suffers as she continues to struggle, and he says:
"You can't see me, can you? You look at me and you can't see me....I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please... just see me."
Clara looks him over, then settles on his eyes and finally makes the connection.
Here's that video:

I don't know where my questioning and this whole gender thing is going to take me, but as I stare down the barrel of a transitional "what-if," I'm terrified I'll live through this with my wife, but that I might not get the hug at the end.

Really makes me want to try and back off the whole thing. But it's out of the box in my head now, and I don't know if there's any way to push it back in.