Jumping right in...

[Locryn M]

So...hi. I'm Locryn, masc-leaning non-binary AFAB, 27 years old and a (currently struggling) actor and writer.

 

I've pretty much known exactly what I was ever since I was 6 but didn't know how to put it into words until I was several years older than that. While growing up, my affinity for traditionally male clothes and activities and the fact that I fit in a lot more with boys my age than with girls was often just dismissed as me being a tomboy but I'd always known it went a lot deeper than that. Even when I pleaded with a drama teacher to let me switch to a boy's role when I was in Grease at 10 years old after having been initially cast as a cheerleader, said teacher assumed it was just so that I could spend more time hanging out with the boy who was my best friend at the time - I was ultimately allowed to play a boy though, both for that and the next few productions since it was a classic case of a heavily skewed girl-to-boy ratio in that drama group for quite a few years; it was the first time I truly took note of how much happier I felt being treated as a boy even in the context of a show than I normally felt being treated as a girl in my day-to-day life. 

 

I've lived pretty much all my life in a relatively conservative environment so I quickly learned it was better to just not press the issue but I was always sneaking into my brother's room and "borrowing" his clothes and pretty much every trip to the hairdressers involved me practically begging my mother to let me have my hair cut short. When she finally relented on that front when I was 13, she insisted that it was still styled in a very feminine way - on the way home, I burst into tears and when she questioned why, I told her that I didn't think I should be a girl; that was the first time I'd expressed my feelings with any kind of clarity. The conversation didn't really progress much past that point and I've been terrified of bringing up the matter again since she seemed determined not to understand what it was that I was saying (not that I blame her; she is generally a very liberal-minded person and this was still in a time when "transgender" just...wasn't a concept people were even willing to entertain round where I live) but over the next few years, I swung heavily between being just "okay" to having bouts of what I now realise was depression that lasted for what seemed like days on end, and a lot of the issues I had essentially stemmed from how I looked and the increasing disconnect I was feeling throughout puberty between the more masculine idea of myself that I had in my head and the reality. I began acting up with regards to my school uniform especially, hiding trousers in my backpack when I left home in the morning and changing into them before the start of the school day with using the excuse that I'd ruined my skirt and would definitely wear it tomorrow when it had been washed/mended, and wearing my tracksuit bottoms for Games/PE lessons rather than the athletic skirts we were expected to wear in the summer. Naturally, this got me into trouble a few times but it was dismissed as just normal rebellious teenager stuff since I generally behaved myself in all other respects which...some of it probably was but it was more firmly rooted in me attempting to express myself within the very limited confines I had available to me at the time.

 

Starting when I was about 17 and no longer having to worry about sticking to a school uniform 5 days a week, I began actively working on making my appearance a lot more androgynous - dressing in baggy masculine clothing, styling my hair in ways similar to my brother, insisting more on the use of the gender-neutral nickname of my birth name (since my birth name is very obviously feminine), etc. I'm lucky enough to already have a naturally deep voice and quite androgynous facial features and the whole thing largely worked, especially when I moved to a completely new area for university. People would address me more often with masculine pronouns and each time it happened I'd just feel inexplicably happy. I have to admit, it was something I'd never really considered until the first time a complete stranger referred to me as "he" but I suddenly realised that I'd always had a niggle of just plain annoyance whenever I'd been addressed with female pronouns, like my brain would just automatically go "that's wrong". It wasn't really until my second year at university that I began actively searching around for others who might be feeling the same way I was and I was finally able to realise that (1) I wasn't alone, and (2) there was nothing wrong with me that was causing me to be like this. I just happened to be different from what I'd come to believe was the norm. Since it helped me come to terms with the fact that I'm asexual as well, it was honestly like a curtain was lifted - the more research I did, the more I found a lot of anxieties and worries about myself, some that I'd had for over a decade at that point, were being alleviated. Not completely, of course, and certainly not all my anxieties but the first time I discovered that there were actual existing terms that I could use to describe myself, it was as though a whole load of things just snapped into place. It's still difficult to find places to truly connect with others like me though (as an introvert, I'm much better at online spaces than face-to-face meetups) so after learning about this site in the comments of an MtF-hosted YouTube channel, I figured I should check it out. 

 

As things currently stand, I'm still not technically out to anyone in my real life but it's a bullet I know I'll need to bite sooner rather than later. To be honest, I'm more than a little scared of doing so. As I said, I live in a relatively conservative area and I'm still around quite a few people I knew when I was growing up. That combined with how my mother took it the one time I've brought it up before makes it hard to be brave enough but I know that the time is soon going to come when I'll have to say something. My brother has indicated that he at least suspects something along these lines and if so, I'm sure he'll be supportive. My parents and extended family? I have little doubt that the majority of them would want to be supportive but I'm honestly not sure how they'd take it. My friends? Honestly, I imagine that the ones who have known me the longest will probably have at least had some kind of inkling by now. It's just the idea of actually saying the words that's difficult at the moment. Rationally, I know that I am what I am and what I've always been whether I vocalise it or not, but actually taking the step of putting it out there, so to speak, is still scary to me for some reason. Having said that, I recently reconnected online with someone that I used to know at school who revealed to me that in the years since we were at school, she's discovered that she's trans; as it stands, she's the only person in my "real life" that I've come out to and she's been nothing but supportive and encouraging and again, it was a relief just to tell someone even if it was only done online. Even just having online spaces I can go to and completely be myself in has done wonders for my mental health, especially with the added strain of everything that's gone on over the past two years.

[Vidanjali]

Welcome to Transpulse @Locryn M . Thank you for sharing your story. I find it affirming. I hope to find greater courage to be out to more people in my life as well. Meanwhile, hearing stories like yours confirms that none of us are alone. And the more of us that are out (provided reasonably safe conditions), the more normalized our existence and experience will become. Then, in time, others like us won't have to struggle and go through so much pain just to consider what being themselves means. 

[Locryn M]

Thanks very much for the welcome, @Vidanjali. If there's one good thing that came out of the general mess of the past couple of years, it's that being stuck inside meant that I could basically just live my life as me. Now that I'm able to go out and interact with people again, it's sort of reinforced the notion that I really don't want to go back to publicly hiding or suppressing this side of myself as much as I was used to doing. I'm definitely moving towards the goal of coming out to friends and family; it's just taking me longer than I'd like to get there.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Locryn M,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Ivy]

Welcome Locryn

From what you've written, I don't think you would surprise those close to you in coming out.

[Locryn M]

Thank you for your welcomes, @Timber Wolf and @Jandi!

 

Quote

From what you've written, I don't think you would surprise those close to you in coming out.

See, I've been thinking about it quite a bit and I've come to the conclusion that a large part of why I've been trying to make it so obvious through my appearance over the years is precisely so that those close to me would just work it out and I could just avoid the actual coming out conversation. And maybe some already have - frankly, I'd be amazed if most of my friends haven't - but especially when it comes to family, it's definitely something that I'm realising will actually need to be said rather than just hoping they'll reach the conclusion on their own (and acknowledge it). And while I can't imagine there'd be anyone who would be shocked or even necessarily surprised, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still worried about the reaction beyond that. I'm the kind of person who just constantly prioritises everyone else's comfort and happiness above my own so anything that rocks the boat, so to speak, automatically raises alarm bells and a big neon "don't even go there" sign in my head. But it's a conversation that I know I'll need to have sometime in the not-too-distant future... For the sake of my own sanity, if nothing else.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Locryn.  Thank you for that very well written and detailed biography.  When the time is right, I know you will have the fortitude and the right words to come out to those you wish to know.  I think you're right that many, if most, already do. 

 

Please have a look around the forums and post wherever, and whenever, you want to.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Delcina B]

Welcome Locryn! Glad you're here. Thank you for sharing your story. As I have ventured out on this journey, some have accepted me & some haven't. But I had reached a point in life where I had to find out why I feel the way I do. Instead of being self destructive & hating who I am I've come to love & accept my femme. This forum has played a huge part in it. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina