Coming out to my wife.... not as positive as I was hoping

[Erin Elizabeth]

Two nights ago I finally came out to my wife who is a cis-woman and is straight. I am currently looking for a therapist and have not started HRT yet. As I stated in my intro in the intro section, I have made little changes like shaving my chest, legs and pits. It feels good to do something feminine. I have also been practicing me feminine voice. Anyways back on topic. The other night I caressed my wife's face and made a comment that I wish my face was that smooth. At that she questioned if I wanted to be a woman.... I froze, I knew my answer was yes but didn't know how to tell her in that moment.  She started crying, and it made me feel ashamed I couldn't break the news to her in a better manner.

 

I started to explain it to her after she calmed a bit. Told her how I had always know it since childhood, but that I had suppressed my dysphoria and true gender for most of my adulthood. After explaining she seemed to be somewhat amenable and we went to bed.

 

I'm not sure how accepting she is going to be, and I am afraid to lose her and my two children, but I also can't lie to myself anymore,  I am Erin and that's who I am, how do I make her understand that I'm still the same person, but I'm a woman, not a man?

[MirandaB]

Not sure the cliche "time heals all wounds" is always accurate but it's probably a big part of the answer. 

[Erin Elizabeth]

Well my TP friends, I have an update,

 

Two days ago I came out to a few trusted coworkers at my work. It was a very positive experience, the accepted me for who I am and asked if I had picked a name yet. I told them that I had chosen Erin as my first name and that Elizabeth was most likely to be my middle. They thought it was a beautiful name, and I made me feel relieved and good about myself. Those few coworker friends of mine even encouraged me to practice my feminine voice around them, which I am now doing on a regular basis. They even let me know if I'm sounding a bit fake, which I appreciate that criticism greatly (at least I know I need to improve more lol, I know it's going to take a lot of work.) I am also able to let Erin out around them even if I can't dress the part yet. All in all they are making me so comfortable and are an awesome support for me.

 

On another note, today I took my daughter to her therapy appointment and found something out. My daughter's therapist also sees adults as a gender therapist (yay). So today I got on the waiting list for her to be my gender therapist.  Things just seem like they are falling into place, and I couldn't be happier right now. I must always remember though that I need to take it one day at a time.

 

Hugs,

Erin

[Artpetal]

Sorry about that. It really is incredible that in this day and age, in 2022, it's still a problem telling our spouses.

[Erin Elizabeth]

6 minutes ago, Artpetal said:

Sorry about that. It really is incredible that in this day and age, in 2022, it's still a problem telling our spouses.

Yes, I very much so agree. The few family members I have are accepting, but at the same time I thought they might be because those I did tell are part of the LGBTQ+ community. Unfortunately my wife is a cis-woman, and I love her to the heavens and back over and over. It is gonna take time for her to understand and accept if she so chooses. Hopefully she will decide to come to some of my therapy sessions when I get started and it will help. Till then I will do only what I can and take things slowly one day at a time and take the advice of Robin.c to remember the serenity prayer.

 

Hugs,

Erin

[Mmindy]

Erin, 

 

Give your wife space and time to adjust to the real you. While we consider ourselves to be the same person, our spouses don’t see it that way. We were the manly person they chose to spend the rest of their life with. Now we’re wanting them to see us as transgender. My wife for the first 44 years of marriage thought she had a Cowboy, Biker, and Mechanic. Then I came out to her as transgender, and her world as she knew it died. Those are her words not mine. She claimed to be a supporter of the LGBT Community, until I came out, then she realized her commitment was conditional. She had a “Not In My House!” attitude. She immediately left the house in a fit of rage, outing me to our grown children and their spouses. My son is a very reluctant supporter, his wife is more understanding. My daughter and her husband are totally on board with my status and progress. Well here we are almost two years later, and we’re still married. We’re working through our issues with my becoming Mindy. She knows and understands that the transgender person is a real thing. She doesn’t want to hold me back, but if I flip the switch and transition to fast. She’ll drop me like a bad habit. She feels like I’m using her as a shield to cover my changes. In her opinion, I didn’t come out of the closet, as much as I drug her in with me. For me, I’m so relieved to to be out to her because I’m not keeping secrets from her anymore. Like you, I’ve taken steps to remove all my body hair, and drop my weight to a more feminine height weight ratio. I haven’t cut my hair in four years, and all my cycling and fitness wear are androgynous male to female. My use of sports bands and sunglasses as hairstyling’s are feminine too.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Susan R]

4 hours ago, Mmindy said:

She claimed to be a supporter of the LGBT Community, until I came out, then she realized her commitment was conditional.

This seems to happen on occasion when coming out to LGBTQ supportive family members. Some of the people I came out to whom I assumed would be supportive without any time, education, or explanation weren’t. It appears that some feel they are supports unless it’s dropped on THEIR doorstep. The good news is as @RhondaS pointed out..time heals many things.

 

On 3/21/2022 at 8:11 PM, Erin Elizabeth said:

she questioned if I wanted to be a woman.... I froze, I knew my answer was yes but didn't know how to tell her in that moment.  She started crying

My wife did something similar. After my wife asked me to tell her what is causing my depression, I came out as trans to her. That was so hard and I thought I was done. But what happened next was for some reason even harder. She then asked me without giving me a second to think, “Is there anything else you’ve kept secret from me all these years? If there is, I need you to tell me right now!” Then she looked at me straight in the eyes. She could see right through me and I knew I had to tell her the rest even though I felt it was not important to our relationship. I didn’t want to be a liar and so I disclosed I had been with a man for 9 years before we were married. That disclosure made her tear up. I explained it was years before our marriage and I have never strayed while we were together.

 

Communication over the following 4 days seemed to put her at ease and eventually we set some ground rules and she allowed me to continue my transition. I think overall, open honest communication is what saved my marriage. Like you, I could no longer live the lie and the truth set me free just as it has with you.

 

I wish you the very best possible outcome in your evolving marital relationship.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[MirandaB]

I am guessing my wife seeing me happier and being able to laugh out loud when she cracks a joke or hearing from people who know us both how I'm not as introverted as before that it helped with the gradual progress towards fuller acceptance, guess there was enough love there to see that your partner's happiness is a positive.

 

Also, who knows what crazy scenarios one can worry about when a partner comes out, and I actually feel like except for the whole forced 'lesbianism' I'm a better partner than the old version and none of those crazy scenarios have happened.

[Becoming Diana]

It just takes time.  My wife did not react well when I came out to her.  She kept asking me if I'm gay or planning to leave her.  The first two or three months we had a lot of intense conversations.  Initially she said if I start to transition she will leave.  That was nearly two years ago.  We're still together and though I haven't started transitioning yet she knows I want to go on HRT and seems to be accepting that.

 

Over time she began to accept a lot of things.  She got used to seeing me wearing dresses, makeup, and even perfume.  She's comfortable with me wearing feminine clothes and we even go out with me wearing cute tops and stuff.

 

The important thing is she needs time to process.  Don't force the issue.  Let her lead the conversation.  You say you haven't changed but how she sees you now will be vastly different.  You are literally not the man she married.  She has to come to terms with that.  I'm not sure what caused it but my wife said she had an epiphany one day.  She saw that I'm still the same caring loving person she married.  She saw I still love her and she came to accept me as a woman.  I told her once that I was afraid it would all get too much for her and she would leave me.  She told me she can't see herself with anyone else.

 

So just give her time and space to process and let her lead the conversation when she's ready.  I hope everything works out for you.

[SaraB]

I tried to give mine a chance over the course of our 14 year marriage. Always with the "well just stop" or "I am not a lesbian" answers. Eventually I just decided to do me, and determined to lose 40 lbs and get in line for HRT. She found another? man before I declared my intentions. Proably for the better...

[ithinkjenny]

My mrs is sooo supportive but also doesn't know how she feels she says she isn't gay and i accept that its just a case of what will be will be and we have to be who we was born to be. 

 

Much love x