Hello From Johannesburg

[Mandy Cooper]

Hi, I'm Mandy,
I've been a closeted crossdresser for most of my life, was born and raised in the north of England and am now living in South Africa. I'm 59 and finally decided to go public with my true self a couple of months ago. I'm not completely out yet as my employer doesn't know (but I work remotely and don't think I need them to know just yet). I'm married with two teenage daughters. My wife knows about everything now and while I can't say she is completely happy about it, she is accepting. For my daughters, they don't understand what the fuss is about and are happy to go shopping with me dressed etc.
Over the last 2-3 months, I've come a long way, but still at the start of this stage of my journey. The thing is though, although I've chosen a female name and wear female cloths more or less 24/7 (The exception being I have some old clothes I use for when I do DIY in the house or take garden waste to the waste site, I'm not ruining my new clothes for that), I think of myself as non-binary, not as a woman trapped in a mans body. My pronouns I'm still working on, as I'm not really comfortable with being a they, so for the most part, people in real life just call me Coop. After all, I can't expect other people to use the right pronouns when I haven't even figured out what I should use myself.
Anyway, it's good to be here. The one thing I've never had in my life is input from people that really understand what I'm going through. There is a whole story that will come out slowly as to how I got to 59 without coming out, but my need to dress was not as big a  issue for me in the past as it is now. I don't know if it's age related or what, but over the last 6 months, I've gone from being happy dressing occasionally in private to being unable to comfortably wear male clothing at all, yet I still feel part male and more around the middle of the spectrum than at either end.

The photo is of me when I choose to wear a wig, often I go out without the wig, as it's quite hot here and pouring with sweat in the shopping centers is not a great look. Have to say, I'm also amazed at how little people notice me, even though I look very much like a man in a dress right now (my makeup skills are limited and I have financial constraints, it's expensive building a proper wardrobe and getting all the required items for proper makeup).

Looking forward to the journey ahead.

[Petra Jane]

Welcome @Mandy Cooper to the forums. Sounds like you have a very understanding family, you are blessed. Nice to meet you, we look forward to getting to know you and chatting with you here.

[Heather Shay]

Hello @Mandy Cooper, Agree with Petra. You are lucky to have understanding family. That is so vital. Explore the forums and you will find incredible people here.

[Mandy Cooper]

Hi @Petra Jane, @Heather Shay, Thanks for the welcome. I am very lucky with my chosen family. I'm not so sure about my blood family, most of them still do not know about the real me yet. That part of my journey is still to come, made harder by us being on different continents and me still not having quite figured out the real me myself. Coming out to them over the internet seems wrong, but may be my only option. @Petra Jane it seems we have a lot in common, I spent my first 33 years in Bradford, where I also studied Computer Science, before that, I also attended Kitson College in Leeds as an apprentice electrical fitter. @Heather ShayI'm glad you found your way here, your about page rings a lot of bells for me. I haven't written mine yet, but will get to it. I never had to deal with alcohol problems, but in my younger life, I spent a number of years where my life rotated around soft drugs (fortunately, I stopped short of progressing to hard drugs) which looking back I think was just me trying to find somewhere that I fitted in. I think most of my younger life was spent like that, trying to understand where I fit in and failing at every turn.

[Ticket For Epic]

Congratulations and welcome, you are amongst friends!  You aren't the only one late to the game.  Late is probably the wrong word.  I'm 42 and just beginning to figure my stuff out and though part of me might lament having missed out on an authentic youth, I'm pretty certain I wasn't ready for this until now. 

 

Sounds like you have done a wonderful job raising your daughters.  Apples and trees and all that. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Mandy.

[Mandy Cooper]

Thanks @Jandiand @Ticket For Epic I'm quite an emotional person, so I just want to put into words the way I feel right now. Partly because of finding this forum, but partly because of what I've found since starting to come out. Due to upbringing and previous experiences, I've always had a very low opinion of myself. I'd sort of come to terms with being unable to be myself, but for the last about 15 years, I've been just getting on with life and accepting that I can never show the real world who I really am and that I would never fit in the real world.
But it's like I was an ostrich with my head in the sand. While I've had my head buried, the world has changed around me. Then suddenly I've pulled my head out of the sand and realized that, for the first time, I can be the real me and it's not the big issue I was expecting it to be. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Mandy!  I'm glad you found this place, and that you're beginning to find yourself, as well.  It can be a long and difficult process.  That you have support at home is good to hear, and will make your journey less stressful.  Please look around the forums and post wherever you like.  Participation is key.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Katie M]

Welcome, Mandy! It's wonderful to have you here!💜

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Mandy Cooper]

Thanks for the warm welcome @Carolyn Marie, @Katie M and @Timber Wolf it's good to meet you. At least the process can't be any linger than it's taken me to get this far. 🤗