Is it normal to feel like the most selfish horrible person in the world?

[Dee2022]

I have been married to my wife for 20 years , and with her for 25.

She is my absolute soul mate. I love her with everything I am.

And I truly believe she feels the same about me.

However, despite her knowing that my sexuality was ‘varied’ (from before we were married), and her knowing that I want to transition for the last 9 months, I actually really do feel like the largest turd on earth for being ‘the person that is ripping our family apart’

I have been round to the family home tonight to have to explain myself for my selfishness, lack of care and love, and to explain why I would choose a life of derision, loneliness and ultimate lack of looking like the woman I want to be.

I know she is striking out in pain, but It hurts so much to hurt the few people in life that have always been there for you.

Hate this.

[Dee2022]

Ps. Sorry to rant - I suspect that every single one of you has been in my shoes - but today has been rubbish.

[Jackie C.]

I guess the question here is, why are you the one ripping your family apart? It doesn't sound like you want to leave her. You just want to be the best version of yourself. You can't do that while you're hiding. I know I was an absolute ass to everybody around me before I came out. I didn't mean it, but I was hurting.

 

Maybe your wife just needs a minute to grieve the person she thought you were.

 

Hugs!

[Dee2022]

Thanks Jackie- I know she is just hurt… but my instinctive reaction is to try to ease her pain, and the only way I can do that is to ‘re-box’ my Pandora.

You are right to advise time.

Just sad.

Ax

[Jackie C.]

11 minutes ago, WillbeAlice said:

Thanks Jackie- I know she is just hurt… but my instinctive reaction is to try to ease her pain, and the only way I can do that is to ‘re-box’ my Pandora.

You are right to advise time.

Just sad.

Ax

 

Hurt is pretty normal. A lot of women are shocked to discover that the person they married isn't exactly who they thought they were. Absolutely let her grieve. Once she's come to terms, one way or another, you can move forward. We've got lots of girls on here who are still married after the dust settled. Myself included.

 

Hugs!

[Kelly2509]

yeah that's a tough situation and I totally get it.  I could write a few pages on the ups and downs of my fight to try and illustrate how much better a partner (and person in general) I am now and how my partner can be pretty crappy to me when she gets upset.  "It's Complicated" doesn't even scratch the surface.  I have no good advice but lots of sympathy and virtual hugs.

[Dee2022]

Thanks Kelly. Appreciate it ❤️🙁

[Artpetal]

It is 100% impossible that you being a woman and becoming a woman is tearing your family apart, as you state. This is something you must have been told by your parents, or from that generation that was very judgmental and unaware of us. Sorry they were like that. I hope you feel better because you're not to blame.

[Mmindy]

5 hours ago, WillbeAlice said:

I suspect that every single one of you has been in my shoes - but today has been rubbish.

Alice,

You don't have to apologize for sharing your pain and confusion on how you're tearing you family apart. Yes, many of us have been in your shoes, taking the heat, and anger from the persons we love. My roller coaster of emotions has spanned the gamut. You're always welcome to vent/rant whenever you need to. I can't say enough about the people here at TransGender Pulse, and the help I've received during my darkest moments, days, and weeks after coming out to my wife.  I'm slowly pushing across the scale of androgyny to female, and every step gets less and less of a rebuke from her.

 

We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and she didn't say anything negative about my beautifully dipped pink fingernails. Yes, they were also extended beyond the masculine, and looked very feminine. So while you're enduring a difficult time right now, I'm here to share with you that it can, and in many cases, gets better.

 

Welcome Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋   

[Delcina B]

@WillbeAlice Hello Alice! I don't know if I can say normal, but they were for me. My wife even confirmed it for me verbally about a year ago as she walked away from our last serious conversation about my starting to be openly transgender. After she left I thought about it, concluded it must be so, "I'm selfish," so I put my femme back in the box. I lasted about four days until I was so filled with anger & resentment towards her it was showing in everything I did. For me unresolved resentment leads to outbursts of rage & anger, then at some point, self destructive drinking returns. In that state I'm no good to anyone, especially my family. So the femme me is back, out of the box. I hated myself for years, I don't today, today I love & accept myself, the self I didn't create. I don't think I'm a selfish person now, even though she still does. I don't hate her for it, it's a huge upheaval in her idea of marriage & the life she has lived for a long time. We are in the process of getting a divorce, though some here have weathered the storm & are still married, it gives one hope. But that hasn't been my experience.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Kathy2020]

I empathize with the feelings you are having, and from the responses above you already know you are not alone. Those of us who transition late in life and/or have lengthy marriages, children, etc. have these extra concerns when transitioning and a lot depends on them as much as us. Whatever you do though, don't ever consider yourself "ripping the family apart" or "being selfish" (unless that is your intention anyway, in which case your gender has nothing to do with being mean and heartless). Anytime those thoughts or words come out, step back, understand that for you its just not true, and gently remind the other person that you love them and don't want to hurt them in any way. They will, quite often, respond by saying something like, "Well, you are anyway" which is valid from their point of view, so you need to let them know its OK to feel hurt, confused, or whatever else they are experiencing. The intent in doing this is to defuse the accusations going either way and moving the conversation to a softer, more understanding tone that everyone can feel safe in. Once everyone is there, things tend to work out - sometimes in ways we expect, sometimes not - and you can move forward hopefully feeling valid rather than vilified. Now if the other persons aren't willing to concede that you mean no harm to them no matter what you say, then they are also giving you permission to just walk away. It happens to most of us with at least one person and that's OK too. You still remain true to yourself, honest with them, and life moves on. Just make sure to leave the door open to them returning if time and circumstances convince them that being your true self without guilt or regret really is the best thing for you. I hope that helps!

[Dee2022]

I can’t tell you all how much your replies mean.

I have spent my live acquiescing to what I believed what was expected/least hurtful/easiest(?).

I know what I need to do, and what I should have done some time ago.

For the second time in 2 days I have had to go to family home and tell my wife that I am not prepared to come ‘home’ and go back to where we were.

 

I came back to where I am staying, read your posts and cried my eyes out.

 

Thank you so much  Ax

 

[ithinkjenny]

Awe babes i didn't see this post. 

You are not ripping your family apart you have to do what you feel is right. 

As you know my inbox is always open ♥️ xxxxx

 

[Bri2020]

this is such a hard issue for anyone who comes out or discovers themselves later in the game. It's especially hard if everything "seemed great" in a relationship before the egg cracked.  What they didn't see is the inner turmoil, probably because you weren't a selfish turd and buried it all so everyone around you could be happy, except you.  

As jackie said, people need to sit with things and work through them a bit. Initial responses are in no way indicative of the future.  My soon to be ex initially hugged me and said she would be with me the whole way.  That was her deep love speaking. as time went on and I transitioned, it became clear she was no longer attracted to me and wanted to pursue a male relationship. (we're still best friends but separated now)   The point being, this is a massive upsetting of the relationships in your life and there will be some adjusting that happens as people get used to the idea.  

Keep in mind that unless you came out and declared, "I'm trans and if you don't like it tough" then chances are, the relationship issues are from both parties. Her stance is selfish if she doesn't want you to be able to be yourself. Yes, you also are being selfish(but not in a bad way) by wanting to be authentic and happy.  When I came out to myself and was trying to figure out how to approach my 15 year marriage I looked at it this way.  If I hide it from her, it will cause a toxic and resentful situation which will end my marriage.  If I bury it in denial, it will fester and cause a deterioration in my mental health and probably end the marriage. My only long term hope for the relationship (and quite frankly my life) was to be open, honest and transition. Anything less just wouldn't have worked.  In the end, I lost my wife, but only as my wife. She is still very much a part of my life but in a different way. That was an outcome I didn't foresee. I figured she would either stick by me or leave me angry. There's a lot of grey between those extremes.  Try and work through the grey a bit.

 

[Candice 42]

I was hoping to give support that anyone in this thred had not already done so, but what I found was an incredible community of girls like me, who were dammed if they did and dammed if they didn't. The words from I 2020 above mirror my thoughts exactly. It can't be hard tearing yourself down as we often seem to, but it's often impossible to smoke a choice that honers yourself and doesn't hurt those you love. I love you all. 

[Susan R]

On 4/7/2022 at 6:12 PM, Bri2020 said:

If I hide it from her, it will cause a toxic and resentful situation which will end my marriage.  If I bury it in denial, it will fester and cause a deterioration in my mental health and probably end the marriage. My only long term hope for the relationship (and quite frankly my life) was to be open, honest and transition.

Well said Bri! At some point, it’s hardly a decision. The revelation and possible changes must happen for your own sanity and livelihood. We’ve all tried the alternative and if you’re old enough, you know it only becomes worse with each cycle of purging or denial.

 

At some point, whomever happens to be a part of your life, has to be brought into the situation for better or worse. I can think of no other way you could’ve avoid revealing your truth to your spouse except to continue the endless cycle of suppression. Feeling guilty for upending the family applecart won’t help anything although I deal with guilt on occasion myself so I can understand it.

 

@WillbeAlice It’s unfortunate that we have to make a decision for ourselves that impact on our partners in this way but like many things within a marriage, we don’t know what the future holds and we can’t plan ahead for everything. You are not selfish for wanting to live authentically. Many of us strive for it our entire lives. I think you should be very proud of yourself for having the strength to deal with such a difficult and life changing issue.

 

Susan R🌷

[Dee2022]

It is interesting that a few of you have brought up the ‘cycles’ that happen when you are hiding who you are.

I would have days where I would decide that I needed to ‘stop with the insanity of risking my stability’ and give myself the get a grip speech, only to in no time at all be back to knowledge that I knew who I am and what I wanted to be.

 

The insight and caring of this group is a truly wonderful thing.

 

Ax

 

[Susan R]

If it’s any consolation. I battled with this question (cycle) for months before I told my wife. I made the mistake and began hormones 10 weeks prior to coming out to her.

 

“stop with the insanity of risking my stability” vs. “I knew who I am and what I wanted to be.”

 

That is the internal battle most of us will to come to some conclusion about. Sadly, once you take the “I knew who I am and what I wanted to be” option, there’s no going back. That’s when self doubt seems to pull us back…thus continuing the cycle.

[Pratana]

@WillbeAlice, the prevailing idea about selfishness over the whole world is that it's bad. We're not just given gender roles; we're also given societal roles, some that give us ideas like 'you're worthless without a partner' and 'family comes first.' These societal virtues are everywhere, and they tie us down into states of powerlessness.

I have learned that no one can really see from another's perspective. "If I were in your shoes," I would continue living my life the way I was living it before, except I would be wearing your shoes. I don't have the unique foundation of struggles and choices that informs each respective individual's decisions, so I can't feel the great sense of purpose they have when they're making their big decisions. The same applies to me. That means: if someone is asking me to compromise on something that fills me with a great sense of purpose, I am being asked to hack up my unique direction and splice components that hold a very little (if at all) sense of investment into it.

Pulling up a flower with the idea that it would be prettier or safer in my home kills the flower, despite it truly being safer from being trampled or eaten by caterpillars. Giving others the power to uproot portions of my grand personal process ends with the same, and requiring access to that power from others is the same. This is why consent is so important: if we follow the energy (the same energy that makes you and I women in spite of our initial appearances) of our individual drives, we'll experience a life of greater fulfillment. If we allow others to do the same, they will be more empowered to achieve greater degrees of happiness.

Selfishness is Authenticity, and it is truly a kind energy, except to the dis-empowering models we presently have for work, family, etc. Failing to follow your authenticity always leaves resentment in its stead.

 

Hugs!

 

[Jackie C.]

I think you and I have a different idea of what's selfish behavior.

 

Selfishness is putting my wants over your needs.

 

Being true to myself is putting my needs over your wants.

 

Transitioning? Living authentically is a need. The other choice was continuing mental decline and suicide.

 

Hugs!

[JennaLSinclair]

 @WillbeAlice Thank you for posting this topic. I am going through the exact same thing right now. My wife and I have separated. I am packing boxes today to move out on the 18th. I am also starting HRT on the 14th. Yes, it is a rollercoaster. I probably should have waited for HRT till after I've finished moving out but I've been waiting for 44 years. I didn't not want to wait anymore.

 

We have agreed to meet once a month for lunch. I haven't told her that I am starting HRT yet. I'm going to let her see the changes. She says that if I love her then I will would give up being Jenna to be with her and show her that I love her. I cannot give up being Jenna any more than I can give up being myself. Because Jenna is me.

 

If my wife doesn't realize that I love her after being with her for 17 years of marriage, she's not going to. That's her version of love. Her and my version of love are two different things. I think that's what is driving us apart. She doesn't realize the sacrifice I have made to be with her. It's up to me to decide who I am.

[Katie M]

8 minutes ago, JennaLSinclair said:

It's up to me to decide who I am.

And, THAT is the "bottom line" for every human being on the planet - not just for those making decisions relating to their gender. Have a beautiful day, Jenna!💜

[Dee2022]

Hi all.

Jenna,I have heard that exact line from my wife in the last week too….

‘You say you love me,  but if you really did you would forget about being Alice…’

However, to refer to Susan, once you take the “I knew who I am and what I wanted to be” option, there’s no going back..

I can tell you have past the point of no return, and I truly understand your frustration that your wife cannot understand that this is less a reflection on your love for her, than a decision to love who you know you are.

I move into my own flat tomorrow after weeks of cheap crappy hotel rooms, and I can wait to sit on my own sofa, in my own soft pjs, in a wrap, with pink varnish on my toenails, and a hot chocolate (and sod it, maybe a little fizz), and maybe, just maybe…be me.

And you have just 3 (or 2 date line dependant) to go…..

Room to breathe…think…be.

 

Hugs Jenna..

Ax

 

 

[Sorourke]

Biggest hugs to everyone this is all so hard, I know exactly what it’s like trying to stop so you don’t loose your wife and kids and then the need to be true to yourself comes back even stronger. It’s horrible, you know you really need to get the courage to tell your wife but keep putting it off. 
Stephanie

[Kelly2509]

@JennaLSinclair and @WillbeAlice best wishes to you both as you navigate this stuff.  The idea they would try to hold you hostage in order to "prove your love" is pretty crummy.  I know this happens to a lot of us, but it shocks me every time i hear it. 

 

All the virtual hugs!