Putting a Lid on Disruptive Thoughts

[Zelaire]

Here's a question I'm hoping some of you have dealt with before and might be useful to other folks, too. Before I acknowledged my situation and allowed myself to start questioning, researching, and considering what it all means, it was relatively easy for me to compartmentalize my feelings. I think repressing or ignoring the shame, anxiety, and what I know now to be dysphoria was easier when I didn't really understand what it meant, or what the long-term consequences might be. Since that point, though, thoughts and worries about the future are on constant assault. It's really distracting. 

Do any of you have strategies you've used to keep the gremlins at bay?

[Cortomaltese]

Hey Zelaire,

I guess the best I learned about not worrying about what's going to come in the future was when I hit the road and lived in the street and things sometimes got so -crappy- I was happy when I found a safe place to get into my sleeping bag and get some rest. Then I would think that tomorrow everything would be better because it coulnd't get much worse. Now that I'm living in a stable place  I try to remember that when I get the blues ... after rain comes the sun. I think you might be anxious because your life is changing, but luckily that also means that things might be better soon.

 

Cheers,

Corto

[Cortomaltese]

There's something else I just thought of ... I think it's good you're researching and trying to figure things out, but as soon as you get the impression you're caught in a loop it might be better to actively distract yourself with something that hasn't anything to do with your problems. That way it's easier to stay objective.

[Zelaire]

Wow, Corto, that sounds like it was a really rough time to live through. I appreciate the notion of perspective that it gave you. Thank you for your insights! ❤️
And I agree with your second thought, too. I've tried to follow that advice. In truth, my day job is a slow motion train wreck right now, so while the downside is that I'm also fighting burnout, the positive is that there's no shortage of things to turn my attention to. The only issue there I've found is that the disruptive thoughts keep breaking through into whatever I'm trying to distract myself with. I haven't found a technique yet to silence them.

Honestly, there are days I wish I could just shove all this back into the box I used to have it contained in. But I don't think that's going to happen.

[Pratana]

20 hours ago, Zelaire said:

Before I acknowledged my situation and allowed myself to start questioning, researching, and considering what it all means, it was relatively easy for me to compartmentalize my feelings. I think repressing or ignoring the shame, anxiety, and what I know now to be dysphoria was easier when I didn't really understand what it meant, or what the long-term consequences might be. Since that point, though, thoughts and worries about the future are on constant assault. It's really distracting.

I resonate with this so much.

[Pratana]

54 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

The only issue there I've found is that the disruptive thoughts keep breaking through into whatever I'm trying to distract myself with. I haven't found a technique yet to silence them.

Honestly, there are days I wish I could just shove all this back into the box I used to have it contained in. But I don't think that's going to happen.

So, for my thoughts, I have the idea that silencing/stopping them is like trying to stop a river from happening. I've gotten tired of that, so I'm trying to redirect their energy now. I just wrote this in my journal, and feel comfortable by using it as an example:

 

Old thought: Money seems very hard to come by. I feel like I'm constantly chasing it down.

 

New thought: Money isn't the thing that I need to be chasing; I need to begin moving toward what I want. If Existence wants me to have those things, money or some other resource will make itself available. Money is like the wind one needs in the sails to drive a boat across the sea. The wind is not the objective; crossing the sea is.

[Mx.Drago]

 

8 minutes ago, Zelaire said:

Wow, Corto, that sounds like it was a really rough time to live through. I appreciate the notion of perspective that it gave you. Thank you for your insights! ❤️
And I agree with your second thought, too. I've tried to follow that advice. In truth, my day job is a slow motion train wreck right now, so while the downside is that I'm also fighting burnout, the positive is that there's no shortage of things to turn my attention to. The only issue there I've found is that the disruptive thoughts keep breaking through into whatever I'm trying to distract myself with. I haven't found a technique yet to silence them.

Honestly, there are days I wish I could just shove all this back into the box I used to have it contained in. But I don't think that's going to happen.

The best way to keep gremlins at bay, is sunlight to burn them suckers away.

Live, love, laugh, while you can.

Sadly, the box for containment is the head we were gifted at birth. It's not very good at containing much, but I like to sing jingles or stick to things that make me laugh. Through humor, granted mine gets very dark, it helps rest the voices by entertaining both the voice and yourself. It's like a memory trigger/tick but life can be traumatic. Sometimes you need to bare your teeth and smile at this unfortunate predicaments, take a deep breath and break down the problem to assess your path onward. Yes the future doesn't offer guarantees but setting goals for if things work out isn't terrible. Try to enjoy the ride while it lasts, cuz if it's going to get worse, best try to fill the picture with the good things as best as you can. I feel your pain.

[Cortomaltese]

4 hours ago, Zelaire said:

Honestly, there are days I wish I could just shove all this back into the box I used to have it contained in. But I don't think that's going to happen.

Yeah that's the thing ... it's not going to happen so your only option is to move forward. What's comforting is that the other option doesn't exist anymore so you don't need to think about it and can concentrate on dealing with the issue in a positive way. Have you tried to figure out what exactly you find frightening about it? Maybe that would give you a clearer picture of what you can do.

 

Cheers

[Zelaire]

On 4/12/2022 at 1:01 PM, Pratana said:

The wind is not the objective; crossing the sea is.

What a great example, Pratana. ❤️ I believe psychologists call this technique "reframing," and I'm curious to see how I can apply it. 

 

On 4/12/2022 at 1:05 PM, Mx.Drago said:

Try to enjoy the ride while it lasts, cuz if it's going to get worse, best try to fill the picture with the good things as best as you can. I feel your pain.

Thanks, Mx.Drago. 😊 Yeah, I try to punctuate my life with moments of humor and joy. It quiets the storm in small moments, at least.

 

20 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

What's comforting is that the other option doesn't exist anymore so you don't need to think about it and can concentrate on dealing with the issue in a positive way.

I hadn't thought about it that way, Corto--I've definitely been holding on to some sense that the old way is still an option. I'm learning that's not true. 🤷‍♀️

Good question about fears. For me, it centers mainly on my wife and kids, and whether any possible exploration could destroy our marriage or hurt my kids in some way. The latter seems less likely, but even though my wife has expressed support and empathy, I also know she's not comfortable with the explorations I may need to make. And of course, beyond this boundary are all the additional consequences of living in the world we do--more lost family or friends and a real risk of violence, for example. So the anxiety is, I think, the heart of those "gremlins" that keep intruding.

 

You guys are all pretty awesome, btw. So glad for your responses.

 

[Cortomaltese]

3 hours ago, Zelaire said:

I hadn't thought about it that way, Corto--I've definitely been holding on to some sense that the old way is still an option. I'm learning that's not true. 🤷‍♀️

Good question about fears. For me, it centers mainly on my wife and kids, and whether any possible exploration could destroy our marriage or hurt my kids in some way. The latter seems less likely, but even though my wife has expressed support and empathy, I also know she's not comfortable with the explorations I may need to make. And of course, beyond this boundary are all the additional consequences of living in the world we do--more lost family or friends and a real risk of violence, for example. So the anxiety is, I think, the heart of those "gremlins" that keep intruding.

You know I've never even seen the movie so I'm judging basing myself on wikipedia knowledge and the occasional "what! You haven't seen it?!"- comments I've collected throughout life --- you're living through difficult times that's for sure. So you've talked to your wife that's something, even if she's not comfortable at least you're being honest and not hiding that from her so that means you're being a good partner. And you're thinking about your kids' safety which means you're a parent that cares and which they will probably remember as adults, even if they were ashamed of what others might think about you/them now. Have you talked with them about the issue as well?

 

Cheers,
Corto

[Zelaire]

21 hours ago, Cortomaltese said:

You know I've never even seen the movie

Well, it gives you something to look forward to on a rainy day, then! 😁

 

Thank you for the positive thoughts. That's good reframing!
I haven't talked with my kids yet, no. When my wife and I talked about this, we agreed we don't want to confuse them or cause them stress, and it's my wife's hope that it wouldn't be something we share with them until they're grown and out of school. She has said she wants to support me, but doesn't want to be in a position where she's torn between supporting them and supporting me. I certainly understand that, both as a parent, and as her partner. 
It's nice of you to help me think my way through these fears, Corto. I hope this conversation is useful to others, too! ❤️

[Cortomaltese]

On 4/14/2022 at 8:23 PM, Zelaire said:

Thank you for the positive thoughts. That's good reframing!
I haven't talked with my kids yet, no. When my wife and I talked about this, we agreed we don't want to confuse them or cause them stress, and it's my wife's hope that it wouldn't be something we share with them until they're grown and out of school. She has said she wants to support me, but doesn't want to be in a position where she's torn between supporting them and supporting me. I certainly understand that, both as a parent, and as her partner. 
It's nice of you to help me think my way through these fears, Corto. I hope this conversation is useful to others, too!

 

You're welcome, I think it's always useful to get an outsider view, even if it doesn't or not fully apply it tends to kick one out of their comfort zone (maybe even into one where one can be more comfortable with oneself, as a side effect).

About telling kids what's up, from my own personal experience with my parents I would always recommend to let them know as much as possible because kids are smart and they can tell when something's up with their parents, especially if you're in trouble, they might not know what it is exactly but they'll try to make up a reasonable explanation for themselves if you don't tell them. This is not meant to put you under pressure but just to maybe consider the option at one point or at least tell them that you're trying to figure something out about your personality and sometimes it makes you feel stressed and that it doesn't have anything to do with them (or maybe you did something like that already).

About finding your personality, do you think you can figure things out in your head or do you think you have to figure out by taking action? If you think you can find peace finding out about yourself in your own head and live with that, it might be worth waiting. If not, I think you might become more anxious because you're repressing something and that always causes stress. But then again maybe your wife just needs some time and after a while, she can get more comfortable.

 

On 4/14/2022 at 8:23 PM, Zelaire said:

On 4/13/2022 at 10:54 PM, Cortomaltese said:

You know I've never even seen the movie

Well, it gives you something to look forward to on a rainy day, then! 😁

 

I'll try to remember this. My pop culture lags in a horrible way, to be honest. I'm trying to catch up 🦤

 

 

Cheers,

Corto

 

[Cortomaltese]

... and I keep forgetting stuff I'm meaning to say. When you talk with your wife, or your kids, or anyone else, maybe it helps you remember yourself you're not being a freak and you're not making things up, or rather, you're being honest with yourself and you're finding out what's true about you. And by moving forward, you have the right to alter your way at any moment. That's how life goes.

 

Cheers,

Corto

[Zelaire]

Those are helpful thoughts, Corto! Thank you.

 

On 4/15/2022 at 3:02 PM, Cortomaltese said:

because kids are smart and they can tell when something's up with their parents, especially if you're in trouble

You are SO right about that... And they often keep their theories to themselves and let them build up.

 

On 4/15/2022 at 3:02 PM, Cortomaltese said:

tell them that you're trying to figure something out about your personality and sometimes it makes you feel stressed and that it doesn't have anything to do with them

That might work. I'm sure they'll ask and wonder. But maybe it's better than saying nothing.

[Charlize]

    In reading this thread several things pop out.  First is that every time i ignored my gender issues and pushed them aside they simply popped out again with an even bigger burden of shame and fear attached.  

    Another concerns coming out to kids.  My son was in his 30's when i went full time.  He had a hard time with it.  My grandkids barely blinked an eye.  2or3 weeks later i was Grandie and old news.

   This is your journey of course but perhaps time with a therapist might help.  I know between that and my time here i found a path to self acceptance and the peace that can bring.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Zelaire]

Thanks, Charlize. It sounds like the reoccurrence of intruding thoughts--and the accompanying shame, fear and anxiety--is common. I've definitely experienced the return at greater strength throughout my life. Sounds like that's common, too. I've read a bit on the psychological concepts of intrusive thoughts and of ruminating. I'd assume they might be basically the same, but it seems they're distinct although possibly interrelated in some cases. Aside from situations where it's tied to OCD or other issues, I'm seeing a lot of the same strategies as mentioned by folks in this thread: reframing, distraction, making plans and taking action, test, mindfulness practices, and seeking therapy.

I have a therapy appointment next Friday. I think I'll bring this up. Being on vacation this past week helped a bit, too 🙂