Hello so there is an important thing in my life I need help with

[TubTubToby]

So hello, my name is Toby I'm a 14 year old autistic probably trans teenager from Germany and I'm in a relationship since almost 9 months with a boy who's bisexual and a bit older than me. He's also autistic and the problem is a few months ago he told me how much it's fricking with his head that I'm trans and since that day he kind of refuses and can't call be by the name Toby or the right pronouns anymore. We had a lot of fights about that and he often told me I'm not a boy, not masculine enough and idk what else. The thing is just I really love him and I don't wanna end our relationship because of that even tho it hurts me a lot. We both are mentally very ill and idk it's also a big problem with everything. Everytime I wanna talk to him about that he just gets very angry and doesn't know what to say. And I belive he doesn't even wanna get angry and it's not his fault cuz we talked about it but I wanted to ask if anyone might have an idea what we could do in our relationship?? :(( obviously therapy and we and my mom are looking for some but I'm scared he wouldn't love me as a guy. I always try to act as feminine as possible so he doesn't feel uncomfy but I actually feel like he doesn't rlly care how I feel about it because it just hurts me that he doesn't call me his boyfriend. But yea just wanted to ask and to vent kinda 

[Jackie C.]

Hello sweetie! First off, welcome to Transpulse! We're glad you're here.

 

My advice for your situation is pretty simple: Be yourself. Period. Don't try to be something or someone else for anybody. That's leading someone on and it just leads to heartbreak. This site is absolutely lousy with people who pretended to be someone they weren't. When they couldn't take it anymore, they came out and their relationships self-destructed. You need to find someone who loves you for you. Someone who appreciates all your swerves and weirdness and thinks you're just the best. It doesn't sound like your current guy fits the bill. That's OK, you're fourteen. There will be more guys, gals or non-binary pals in your future. Work on yourself. Be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. But be yourself. Always. I think you'll find that they're pretty cool.

 

Hugs!

[Delcina B]

Welcome Toby! Glad you're here. I've found relationships can be a lot of work, sometimes they work out & sometimes they don't. I know I can't force someone to accept me being transgender, that's their deal. Giving others time to adjust to the change has worked for some here. However it goes for you, I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Ivy]

Welcome Toby

[Susan R]

On 4/24/2022 at 11:20 PM, TubTubToby said:

I always try to act as feminine as possible so he doesn't feel uncomfy but I actually feel like he doesn't rlly care how I feel about it because it just hurts me that he doesn't call me his boyfriend.

Welcome @TubTubToby. It’s a pleasure to have you with us. As @Jackie C. suggested above, one of the goals we strive for on this forum is living authentically. I wanted this for myself my entire life but suppressed it off and on until age 56. You don’t want to wait that long to live as yourself…for who you know you are.

 

As much as you may love your boyfriend right now, if he doesn’t love or even see the ‘true’ you, then really, what’s the point? So it is best in most, if not all cases, to live authentically if you can. In time, you may become happier, more confident, and feel the freedom that comes with it. People will see and feel this and before you know it, you will find someone who wants you for YOU!

 

Just know….I am not saying you should leave this current boyfriend at all. I truly hope he is who you think he is—someone who cares deeply for the ‘real’ you. It may take some time for him to come around but you’re young and you have plenty of time but the patience you may need to wait for such change is a completely different animal. Best of luck to you both.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[DeeDee]

Hi @TubTubToby as the others have already said, don't try to change who you are for someone else. It almost never works out well. From a logical perspective if your boyfriend is Bi then you being genderfluid or trans should not really impact the relationship all that much, the fact that it does and you cannot discuss it together makes it a problem that will only get bigger. I hope things work out for you.