An Introduction

[Claire.]

I feel late to the party, but better late than never. At the age of 60 I'm starting to plan to transition to the female that's always been inside of me.

 

All my adult life I've told people I've felt half female. I was raised in a very conservative area of New York State where everyone was straight. All the gays were in NYC or SF and no one was gay where I lived, at least not that I ever knew. No one ever speculated about the spinster music teacher. I was in the country and my sex ed was nil. But I was different from all the other boys yet no one ever called me -awesome person-. I liked art and music and reading and didn't like sports. I was bullied through high school of course. My mother just kept encouraging the artistic side and off I went to college to study art. My freshman year I read a novel with a gay character and it made me realize that I had those same feelings. So I came out as gay.

 

I graduated college and moved from New York to Georgia on a whim for the adventure. Sadly, it was there I met a man who knowingly infected me with HIV in 1985. I knew someone in the health department so that's how I found out it was him and that he infected six other guys. He passed the next year but for some reason I'm still here 36 years later. I've loved someone deeply and lost him to his own case of AIDS. I've gone through my own battle with AIDS and nearly lost my life but came through it standing. But through all that there's been something that's bugged me.

 

I always have felt like an imposter as a man. I'm small-boned and not imposing and have always wished I looked like the Marlboro man. Instead I'm this soft guy who's not effeminate, but not butch either. I'm highly skilled with needlework which is vey unusual for a man. I'm talented in my artwork. I'm skilled at singing. All this comes from years of practice and some level of inborn ability. It's all things that aren't typical for a manly man. And there's my feminine side. I have a straight female sensibility about me. I react like a woman to things that people don't notice but I do. I even get flirtatious with straight men, which has to be cut off. Gay men are often suspicious because they sense the woman inside, and sometimes straight men react to the woman inside. Those men get redirected because I don't want to be beaten.

 

So today I'm on my journey to be the woman inside of me. The woman who's been wanting to come out but I didn't know she needed to be released. I have a husband to tell, and family and friends. But since I told my therapist there's been a sense of lightness. I know now that if someone had told me everything when I was 19, I would have done this then. 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Claire!  Thank you for sharing your story; it is both troubling and inspiring.  That you came through all that and are here to move forward and become the person you knew you were inside is a wonderful thing.

 

Please look around these forums and post questions or comments wherever you like.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Heather Shay]

@Claire I see you met one of the most beautiful people here and she is absolutely right. Welcome, glad you are here.

[Ivy]

 

Welcome Claire

 

1 hour ago, Claire. said:

I know now that if someone had told me everything when I was 19, I would have done this then. 

Yeah.  I kinda wonder about this a lot myself.

[Bri2020]

Welcome Claire,

It's all a journey and never too late to come to the truth of yourself.  I wish you the best on fulfilling your dream.

[Guest]

Welcome @Claire.,

 

You've certainly been through a lot in life. I hope you find the support you need here as I have.

 

Jamie 😊

[SheenaT]

19 hours ago, Claire. said:

I feel late to the party, but better late than never. At the age of 60 I'm starting to plan to transition to the female that's always been inside of me.

 

All my adult life I've told people I've felt half female. I was raised in a very conservative area of New York State where everyone was straight. All the gays were in NYC or SF and no one was gay where I lived, at least not that I ever knew. No one ever speculated about the spinster music teacher. I was in the country and my sex ed was nil. But I was different from all the other boys yet no one ever called me -awesome person-. I liked art and music and reading and didn't like sports. I was bullied through high school of course. My mother just kept encouraging the artistic side and off I went to college to study art. My freshman year I read a novel with a gay character and it made me realize that I had those same feelings. So I came out as gay.

 

I graduated college and moved from New York to Georgia on a whim for the adventure. Sadly, it was there I met a man who knowingly infected me with HIV in 1985. I knew someone in the health department so that's how I found out it was him and that he infected six other guys. He passed the next year but for some reason I'm still here 36 years later. I've loved someone deeply and lost him to his own case of AIDS. I've gone through my own battle with AIDS and nearly lost my life but came through it standing. But through all that there's been something that's bugged me.

 

I always have felt like an imposter as a man. I'm small-boned and not imposing and have always wished I looked like the Marlboro man. Instead I'm this soft guy who's not effeminate, but not butch either. I'm highly skilled with needlework which is vey unusual for a man. I'm talented in my artwork. I'm skilled at singing. All this comes from years of practice and some level of inborn ability. It's all things that aren't typical for a manly man. And there's my feminine side. I have a straight female sensibility about me. I react like a woman to things that people don't notice but I do. I even get flirtatious with straight men, which has to be cut off. Gay men are often suspicious because they sense the woman inside, and sometimes straight men react to the woman inside. Those men get redirected because I don't want to be beaten.

 

So today I'm on my journey to be the woman inside of me. The woman who's been wanting to come out but I didn't know she needed to be released. I have a husband to tell, and family and friends. But since I told my therapist there's been a sense of lightness. I know now that if someone had told me everything when I was 19, I would have done this then. 

Welcome. I can relate to alot of your story as I'm sure many here do.

[Mandy Cooper]

Hi @Clairewelcome to the forums. My story is quite different to yours, but I also find myself in the early stages of transition later in life. But as they say, better late than never. You've certainly been through the wringer, I hope you find more peace in your future. I hope telling your husband goes well. I had a wife to tell and though it didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped (she is understanding but far from supportive) it certainly didn't go as badly as I'd expected it to. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Claire! Glad you're here. Wow, you've had a journey thus far in life. May this part of it exploring your femme be as amazing as mine has. I too started exploring later in life, it took me that long to accept & stop hating my feminine feelings. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Susan R]

On 4/29/2022 at 11:33 AM, Claire. said:

I feel late to the party, but better late than never. At the age of 60 I'm starting to plan to transition to the female that's always been inside of me.

Hi @Claire., welcome to our forum. It’s nice to meet you. I am very near to your age and I too was late to the party. Despite my age, I am so glad I took the next logical step and transitioned. I now can’t imagine myself living the rest of my life in the wrong body and role. It has been so worth it.

 

On 4/29/2022 at 11:33 AM, Claire. said:

I always have felt like an imposter as a man.

I can relate so well to this statement. Growing up, trying to fit in with the guys was very difficult. I did have some fulfilling moments along the way but at the end of the day, I felt like I had been in a 16 hour role-play. I just wanted to take off the (male) costume and be myself. I wanted to do things that I enjoyed and not necessarily what I was told I should enjoy by my parents and society. I know you can probably understand this all too well.

 

You’ve had to overcome and persevere despite so many difficulties. You can do this too. We are here to support you any way we can—information, advice, and genuine friendship. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us. I hope to learn even more about you and your journey in time.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome Claire.

 You mentioned that you would have done this at 19 if you had known then.  That rings a very big bell for me.  I started living full time at 63 and have finally found peace with myself in these last 10 years.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

9 hours ago, Susan R said:

Growing up, trying to fit in with the guys was very difficult. I did have some fulfilling moments along the way but at the end of the day, I felt like I had been in a 16 hour role-play.

Despite trying to maintain my "macho image" I never really fit in with the guys.  One of the things that finally pushed me over the edge, was when a group I was in was trying to convince to go on a men's retreat.  They kept talking about all the great guy stuff they had planned.  That just made it worse and I so did not want to go.  It was about this time that I dared to take a peek into my closet and my world changed.