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How can internalized homophobia affect gender identity?


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This is a question out of pure curiosity, I don't feel like this about myself, but during 2021 I have seen two different people on social media, they were supposedly gay men, but they hated themselves and did not want to be referred to as gay. One of them were openly gay at first but something happened to them, I don't know much, but both of them suffered from a lot of psychological pain and had disorders of ADHD and ASD. They also were celibate. One of them was OK with it but had some inoffical relationships, but the other was desperate on finding a partner, with sadly led to a lot of trouble. Those people seemed to hate themselves, they attracted tons of drama and were burnt out and I suspect they did not want to be referred to as gay. Later they came out as trans but they hated every minute about their old selves and calling them by their old names were like name calling for them. They did not feel the thankfulness to their old version of themselves, only hate, they saw more ignorance than there already is. To me it looks like they escaped to their female identity because of internalized issues. Could such people still be trans or is there a "symptom" that looks like transsexuality but isn't? How would such a person come out? How common is this? It sounds a lot more painful than what I have experienced so far. This question came up because I chatted with an old woman who had been rejected or gotten a negative diagnosis, but she is not one of the persons I mentioned above.

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Gay and Trans have been badly muddled over the last few decades.  The way you present this is that the individuals were Trans and not Gay in the usually thought of ways. Trans people at some stages are confused with Gay individuals, possibly by themselves.  If Gay is slightly more acceptable than Trans in an area you will explore the more acceptable path over the darker (to you) one.  At last when the "more acceptable" path does not fulfill you, then you go to the next to find your comfort.  I thought Cross Dressing would take care of my GD, and it was OK for a while, but no solution to the feelings.  Finally HRT and Transition did bring me into resolution of the GD.

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I think a lot people who are trans, at least at some point in their lives, identify as gay. I know I did. Although, not because it was a darker path, but wasn't really something I had thought about. When I came out the acronym was often LGB. The T rarely showed up in my gay groups I was involved in. Trans erasure in the gay community is a very real problem. It simply isn't talked about. Many transwomen are lumped in with the drag queens. Of course, there are trans drag queens. For many that was their first step. I've been doing a lot of looking into trans history. It's both fascinating and disturbing how little it is acknowledged. 

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The thing that got me confused was the outrageous hate towards the old version of themselves, like hating their old name, to the point of going through old blogs and change their old name  way back there, when it would be more positive, to in order to let go of the past, thank the old self for being such a hero or at least forgive the old self one thought they were. To me it sounds like there is something more in their case. They probably experience GD but there may also be an underlaying hate to oneself. In the case I am refering to I could find blogs describing how they cut deep wounds in their arms and legs, scars that never will go away and are visible long way. I also heard about a clinic, refusing patients who are "mentally unstable" which could fit this case I am refering to. I don't think anybody with such emotional issues can go further until they can forgive the person they thought they were to close the door to the past.

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I do hope the folks you mention can find peace with themselves.  I remember being upset when my old name came up.  I simply didn't want to be reminded of the past and that "dead" name brought back the reality of my life as a male.  Funny how over time those feelings have faded as i honestly review my life.  He was a great guy and certainly remains a part of me.  I am also able to live and present as myself.  It was shame and fear that held me back.  Life has given us amazing opportunities to adjust and change our feelings.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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19 hours ago, Jamie73 said:

I think a lot people who are trans, at least at some point in their lives, identify as gay.

I don't know as I ever did.  There was a point when I did question it though.

I currently do not have a partner, and haven't since I split with my ex a few years ago.  But I do identify as pansexual now.  Although I am not attracted to guys per se, I would be up for it if the person was attracted to me as a person.  Same with a woman.  (I live full time fem)

 In general I feel closer to women these days, and prefer their company in a platonic manner.

Having said this, I am still reluctant to call myself "gay" as such.  

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