Deer caught in headlights

[Maria Viklund]

Trying to go out there and just doing my own thing i canst shake the feeling that everyone is looking at me

and that makes me feel like the classic "deer caught in headlights".

I know that feeling will pass eventually, as my transition progresses further.

But for now, not "passing" at all (i would say) it's really hard but i know that if

i push myself to go out there it will become easier.

But how long will it take to shake that feeling of everyone looking at me?

[VickySGV]

I have a TRUE story of my own experience about opening the door of a women's rest room and seeing a very Terrible and Judgmental woman coming toward me whom I felt would cause trouble for me.  It turned out that there was a mirror on the wall, and I was the woman I feared the most.   I did not see the moral and theme at the time, but today I laugh over it and with feelings of humility admit I was the worst saboteur of my own Transition from start to finish.

[Delcina B]

Oh my, @Maria Viklundyou have brought back memories of the not so distant past. It was a year ago this past December when I first ever stepped out of the house (full disclosure - the camper I live in) dressed en femme. In the dark of night way out in the country I was so scared someone would jump out of the bushes & see me. No one did, & after a bit I felt so exhilarated. The first few times out driving to therapy & group were much the same.  In group one girl explained it like  this, "Everyone is too busy with their own life & problems to really notice you; if they do look, the guys normally go from looking down & stop at the chest, women may look at your face and if by chance "clock" you (notice you're transgender) will mostly just smile." I've found this to be partially true. While I still feel self conscious a lot of the time, I try not to show it & exude confidence instead, as the same girl suggested. If someone can't accept me that's their issue not mine. Do I pass, probably not very often, but I'm more comfortable in my skin today than ever. I try to improve my presentation & work on my voice, it's a work in progress.

 

@VickySGVThat is a wonderful story & so true for me too.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Bri2020]

It took me about 6 months to get past that. That's being out full time.  You're going to go through phases of it. Winter is usually easier because you are bundled up more but then summer rolls around...

The last time I was concerned was when I pushed the limits on a bathing suit while in the tropics.  I"m sure I get looks of curiosity but I've stopped looking around to see if people are staring.  Psychologically the shift came when I realized I loved who I was becoming and no longer worried if I "passed". I'm OK if people see me and instantly know I'm trans. Once I hit that point, I never worried again (expect the one bathing suit but that may not have been so much a trans thing as a "am I going to fall out of this thing" worry. lol

 

[Susan R]

16 hours ago, Maria Viklund said:

how long will it take to shake that feeling of everyone looking at me?

Hi @Maria Viklund, I’m sure this varies greatly within our community. It was much easier when I was younger and hanging out in the predominant LGBTQ area of Seattle. I very quickly became comfortable because the community presence was so prominent and no one seems to judge one another.

 

I met my wife and went back into the closet. Flash forward 20 years later, I finally came out a second time. It took me about 6-7 months before I felt comfortable enough to go full time presenting as my true self in a very CIS dominant public area. I realized then that Susan is who I really was and that I deserve to be myself despite what others thought. It’s been mostly good throughout my journey.

 

I don’t have nearly as many worries about it now but on rare occasions, I am caught by surprise. I think 3-4 months ago was my last experience dealing with this kind of worry. I was on my daily walk and asked a neighbor friend down the road something in passing and he quickly responded to me with a “Yes Sir!” and went about his business like it was nothing. I didn’t respond as I didn’t know if it was intentional. It could have been just a no brainer military response as some have suggested but I was surprised it bothered me so very much. For a short time, I began to think (worry?) about my presentation more than I used to in public. After working through it with my therapist and some good friends here, my confidence seemed to eventually return. Maybe I’m the only one here that still has these occasional experiences after all these years but I can tell you, it does get better in time.

 

Susan R🌷

[Charlize]

Early on i remember those first steps out.  It was terrifying.  I would drive somewhere where i could change in the car and each time i got out of the car i was sure everybody was watching me.  Little by little i forced myself to get out of the car and by a pack of gum or a soda.  I would get home and try to remember every interaction.   I'm not sure how long it took to feel comfortable but  be assured it happens.  In time i've found a level of comfort in myself that almost amazes me.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize