Unsure

[LearningWhoIAm]

I know this isn't something critical, but it has been on my mind.

 

Since better understanding my gender identity, I feel like there are certain aspects of myself or what I like that I need to change in order to be "man enough". One example, ever since I was a child I've loved stuffed animals and I currently own around 20. (Some are on my bed or the sofa, some are on my work desk.) I feel like when I come out fully, people won't take me seriously because I enjoy a lot of non-masculine things. 

 

I know that this is a bit silly of a problem to have.  I've been working hard to rewire my brain away from the gendered biases I was raised with, because everyone should be able to enjoy whatever they like. Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do to help change your thinking? 

[Robin]

I can understand and sympathise.  As I am approaching this from the opposite perspective, I have often felt like a fraud because my interests are "too masculine".  These include such things as collecting classic cars and motorcycles.

 

People are always going on about social constructs and gender stereotyping, but I think that there is truth in the fact that children are conditioned to portray a certain image.  Boys must appear to be fearless warriors, and girls must be good housekeepers and mothers.

 

The problem is due to the fact that humans have evolved beyond the level where they only worry about basic survival and reproduction.  None of the complex activities that people are capable of really need to be gendered, it is just tradition.

 

The answer should be that, if you like something, that is you business, and it doesn't matter what other people think. Trans people are often extremely anxious to fit into a particular social group, and not to give anyone cause to question or reject them. If one is not careful, this can lead to going from playing one character that is not really you to another.

 

Robin.

 

P.S. I have got lots of stuffed animals and have always loved them.

[rachel w]

Hello   Learningwho i am I am a mtf just was able to come out a year ago i really like being girly but i also like to go out and run my saw mill with my tractor. for me I just try to be who i am.most of the time it works good. sometimes i have to give myself a kick in the back side

[LearningWhoIAm]

6 hours ago, Robin said:

The answer should be that, if you like something, that is you business, and it doesn't matter what other people think. Trans people are often extremely anxious to fit into a particular social group, and not to give anyone cause to question or reject them. If one is not careful, this can lead to going from playing one character that is not really you to another.

 

Robin.

 

P.S. I have got lots of stuffed animals and have always loved them.

Thank you Robin. I do agree it seems much harder for trans people because so much emphasis is placed on passing in other's eyes. (And I'm glad I'm not the only one!)

[LearningWhoIAm]

4 hours ago, rachel w said:

Hello   Learningwho i am I am a mtf just was able to come out a year ago i really like being girly but i also like to go out and run my saw mill with my tractor. for me I just try to be who i am.most of the time it works good. sometimes i have to give myself a kick in the back side

Thats great! We should all be allowed to enjoy whatever we want. 

[Samuel William]

On 5/12/2022 at 5:14 PM, LearningWhoIAm said:

I know this isn't something critical, but it has been on my mind.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? What did you do to help change your thinking? 

First of all, I don’t think you should dismiss a concern just because it doesn’t seem ‘critical.’ If it’s on your mind, then it’s important! 
 

Secondly, yep. In the months since I finally acknowledged to myself that I’m trans, I’ve spent SO MUCH time over-thinking my interests - past, present, and future. Am I ‘allowed’ to like the new Sandra Bullock movie? Is it okay to read romance novels? To enjoy baking? To want to try out one of those paint-by-numbers kits? It’s more than a little frustrating, because for years I’ve been doing the reverse - vetting my interests so that I don’t stick out as being too ‘butch’ and so that I fit in better as a ‘female’. Now that I’m making slow but steady progress towards life as the man I’ve always been deep down, I feel like I’m ‘allowed’ to develop interests in Lego and ice hockey and Dungeons and Dragons….while suddenly feeling like I’m not allowed to like other things! It makes my head spin, honestly.
 

The way I’ve been looking at it is that I’m in the lucky position of getting to choose what sort of man I want to be. I’m not a teenager, floundering through hormones and peer pressure and social media. I’m an independent adult, with a history and some clear ideas about what does and doesn’t work for me personally. That means I’m in the privileged position of actually thinking through what masculinity means to me, and how I want to express it. 
 

Don’t get me wrong. There are days when I can believe that, and days when I still struggle with whether it’s ‘okay’ to like certain things. But reminding myself that I’ve got the power to shape my own masculinity into something that feels right to me has been the most effective solution that I’ve found so far. 

[LearningWhoIAm]

14 hours ago, Samuel William said:

 

Don’t get me wrong. There are days when I can believe that, and days when I still struggle with whether it’s ‘okay’ to like certain things. But reminding myself that I’ve got the power to shape my own masculinity into something that feels right to me has been the most effective solution that I’ve found so far. 

Thank you Samuel! I've been figuring out my own masculinity and trying my best to remind myself that anyone can enjoy anything they like. 

[JacobLevado]

Hi, I went through this too.  I spent some time with my therapist going over what kind of man I wanted to be, and that helped a lot.  Part of it was realizing I'd never been a Tom of Finland pinup, and I was okay with that.  Lol.  Because for me, it's not just "being a man" but being, really, a Gay man and a kinky Gay man at that.  And that's a whole 'nuther can of worms.  There was a good book on Amazon Kindle Unlimited called Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family, and Themselves, which is a book of essays written by different trans guys about different aspects of their own masculinity.  

 

Where I am now is that I'm kinda letting myself become whatever it is that I am, rather than trying to conform to a particular standard of what it means to be masculine.  I'm a guy, so if I do it, it's masculine.  And at this point, being pre-T or maybe never-T, in my head I kinda feel like I'm still not quite at male puberty... I know that sounds strange, but I'm finding it easier to approach being a boy before trying to become a man.  And I'm doing all the things I really wanted to do as a boy, but couldn't because of the pink box I was shoved into.  

 

I figure we all navigate this different.  You can't expect yourself to spring forth from the head of Zeus fully formed.  By lowering the stakes to "play" rather than identity, I'm giving myself time and place to explore without it feeling terrifying.

[LearningWhoIAm]

10 hours ago, JacobLevado said:

I figure we all navigate this different.  You can't expect yourself to spring forth from the head of Zeus fully formed.  By lowering the stakes to "play" rather than identity, I'm giving myself time and place to explore without it feeling terrifying.

I love the way you worded this. Thank you so much for your reply!

[Russ Fenrisson]

@JacobLevadoThat's an interesting book you brought up. I might look into it. It sounds like an interesting read. Your Zeus metaphor was also wonderful, pretty powerful too.

 

@Samuel WilliamI've been playing around with masculinity too and trying to figure out what works with me. As I've expanded my reading and been exposed to different experiences, especially those I see in literature and television, it's kind of relaxed my need to be this big, macho guy. As I've grown older and tried to define masculinity in my own way, it's become more of a spiritual rather than a physical concept. To me, masculinity is the ability to embrace oneself and accept one's truth instead of hiding it, and to be sensitive and more forth-coming with one's feelings. It's an overall honesty rather than putting up a stoic persona that is obviously a façade to hide what one has underneath.

 

And I'm glad things are changing, where people can like anything they like without judgement. There shouldn't be anything wrong for a guy to have stuffed animals- I've got several. Some of us just like soft things and can't sleep without them. There also shouldn't be anything wrong with a woman who's interested in working outside the house and is interested in building- anything made with the hands is amazing, regardless who made it.