Six month on ... digestive issues, anxiety cycle, electrolysis & horrid voice therapy non experience

[swallow]

Hi all,

 

I haven't been on here for a while, hope everyone's doing just grand.

 

I just hit my six month.🤗

 

I feel slightly more shapely (bum) and my chest are no longer large dumpling size but small buns (sorry just return from Dim Sum)😋

 

On the whole, I feel "still the same" in terms of temperament.🤔

 

I have however been bothered by several ongoing issues :

 

1) Digestive. I don't know why but I seem to have a slow processing of food to waste or something. I'm not constipated I feel but it my gut seems to be unsettled.🙄

 

This has led to ...

 

2) Anxiety attacks. It seems I'm on a 3 or 4 day cycle. My friend said its normal for women to feel emotional cycles and anxiety based on period...mine is based on my digestion.

 

I suddenly developed anxiety attacks at night waking up in cold sweats and shortness of breath.

 

I told my doctor it could be linked to my partner having passed from stomach cancer. All the bad memories seem to flood back.😢

 

My doctor reassured me I'm not having a cancer and my obsession with going to the bathroom could be turned into a positive if I did not put so much pressure on myself.

 

She prescribed some laxatives but I got the runs then I got on Senna herb which was uncomfortable and eventually I have fallen on Flax seeds with granola and raisins mixed in yogurt to ensure necessary fibre and have better regularity.

 

The anxiety attacks were pretty bad, so much so I was not looking forward to the nights and going to bed.😟

 

I tried to do long walks after dinner (cut down my meals, add more vegetables). The walks made me happy if miss my partner a lot. I could keep walking around the block but it gets dark.😕

 

It seems to be settling a bit better now but the anxiety is still lurking in the background.

 

I'm not sure if any of this is linked to my HRT.

 

My doctor said to take note of what I eat. Also drink lotsa water and I see her again in a month.

 

Meanwhile I've been STILL struggling with the voice ...🤨

 

3) I was so mad today.😠

 

I was looking forward to my first voice therapy with UCLA.

 

My clinic APLA has been wonderful and attentive. They recommended me on to UCLA for voice therapy...

 

I read online though that UCLA had many issues but I did not want to pre-judge anything.

 

The wait for my first session today has been almost 3 months!

 

BC I am generally an idiot when it comes to online stuff, I had endeavored to ensure I had down loaded the APP as the first session was an online one with UCLA Mychart.

 

That to me spelt 'issues' although I had used  another App called AXS with APLA no problem.

 

I logged on early enough (15 minutes from time)

 

I think I am patient enough...😑

 

...bc I waited 15minutes in before contacting the office to remind them I thought I was logged in and to check if I was on just blankly staring at my beautiful self.

 

The trouble with these remote sessions is each time I call, the gatekeeper is someone different and although they seem helpful, I had to explain the whole issue afresh.

 

Well the lady I spoke to said I was on and to just wait for the doctor....which I did for another half an hour.😒

 

...by this time, I was naturally angsy as I had to be somewhere shortly.

 

So I called up and a man answered. He tried to be helpful kept me on the line with the wait music (50s rock...I think I must have heard every song from 1952 -59)

 

I could hear him conversing with the doctor I was suppose to see.

 

but rather than get on the phone and just have a quick chat with me, the doctor instructed the man helping me to tell me to wait.😵

 

Which I did for another 15 minutes (Accumulated time over an hour) by which time I called again (50s music) and a lady answered. She tried to be helpful too but said I had logged out according to them 45 minutes earlier which was the problem and that I would have to schedule a new appointment ...

 

...which was another 2 months down!😖

 

This was outrageous to me. I told her if I could just even have the doc on the phone for five minutes since I wasn't even sure what was to happen in this first session, that I had called up as well to let the clinic know I was logged in and they should have at very least had someone call my number if they saw I was logged out cos I could have timed out or something since it does happen and this was my first time on the App.

 

Long story short, I don't think I am going through with them. They seem utterly unprofessional to me.

 

I often get criticise for not being of a professional mind set by (usually) acquaintances who have never worked with me. This is because I normally carry a slightly ditzy (guilty) happy go lucky mind set.

 

But on set or during production, I am 100% focus and always bang on the dot with time. No matter how swamped I am, I would make an effort to call someone back. I just cannot understand how unprofessional many institutions are these days.😶

 

To top it all with UCLA, I also mentioned to them that whilst I was not sensitive about pronouns that they should have also been cognisant of the fact that they were dealing with someone coming online for Gender speech therapy. They had continuously referred to me as 'He' or "Sir'.

 

This is not a big deal for me but I told them if it was someone more 'sensitive' to the issue, again this is highly unprofessional.😠

 

Anyway it was such a bad experience I decided I had to go walk it off.

 

I will probably find a different speech therapist. I'm still not certain if my issue with my voice is not more psychological in any case so I am going to speak to my behavioral therapist maybe.

 

As I look more feminine I feel I might overcome this barrier myself but it is still so difficult.

 

I feel I pass on a daily basis until I open my mouth. Each day I look into the mirror to remind myself that I look feminine and I deserve to use a feminine voice.

 

I think the other issue I am enroute to resolving may help...

 

4) Electrolysis...I am on my 5th session.

 

OUCH!😖

 

I discovered I do have a low tolerance for pain.

 

but here APLA recommended me on to a great place in Beverly Hills and they have been wonderful.

 

Still I get a real work out tensing up and sweating a bucket particularly when they pluck me under my nose...

 

Fortunately I am not hairy because if I had any more hair than just my upper lip and chin, I would give up.

 

I told the lady working on me I must really want this to put up with the pain.

 

My friend said she had had electrolysis done on her underarm and she took 8 sessions but it was so worth the money.

 

Luckily my sessions are covered by insurance!

 

So I'm targeting to get it done by maybe 12 sessions even if the lady said normally they tell the clients to expect to be 'tortured' for 18 months...Lordy!

 

I feel the hair has reduced by half or more now and is mostly coming out finer so hopefully I can call it quits sooner.🙏

 

But it does make me feel so much more 'deserving' after each session even though in this case I am on a 7 day cycle and start to get incredibly self conscious later in week and closer to the next appointment as I have been instructed to 'bear with it' and let the hair grow out.

 

Thank goodness for masks and the C19 Pandemic.😷

 

I had recently engaged an accountant for my taxes (I had anxiety that I was doing my Turbo Tax all wrong since my partner pass in 2017)...

 

The woman is in her 70s, is an Anti-Vaxxer and holds some rather colourful imaginative conspiracy theories about Obama, kidnapped children and the end of the world...🙄

 

I of course bear with it since she is doing my taxes for free (Seems to have taken a liking to me or maybe its pity)🤭

 

In any case she always kicks a big fuss each time I had to see her when I showed up with my mask so I had to explain to her apart from anything-else I was transgender and struggling with my "electrolysis cycle"🤐

 

Anyway, I thought I share some of the recent experience having been absent for so long...there has been plenty of other stories there but that's for another time.

 

If anyone is gonna do Speech therapy with UCLA, I hope they do not have as poor an experience as I have had.

 

And if anyone has ever had digestive issues + Anxiety attack from HRT by any chance, let me know! 😓

 

Blessings to everyone!☺️

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Vidanjali]

Nice to "see" you, @swallow . I'm sorry you had the bad experience with the voice appt. Ridiculous that a gender clinic would misgender a patient. I do not have insight regarding HRT and GI issues, but I think you may have found an important clue regarding your anxiety as it relates to the loss of your partner - my deepest condolences. Have you considered hypnotherapy? I've had astonishing breakthroughs with it, myself. The therapist I saw was trained in Rapid Resolution Therapy. 

https://www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com/

[Delcina B]

Hi Swallow! Ouch, it seems like everything hit you at the same time. I'm almost at month three of HRT (E & Spiro), but haven't noticed any issues with anxiety, or digestion. I had anxiety issues before, but nothing new. I am starting to feel a balance between mind & body. When I think of most of my doctor visits, they always seem to be running behind. I think there's a course on tardiness in med school, maybe? You definitely hit on two of my big dysphoria issues, voice & facial hair. No quick solutions in sight for me. I hope things smooth out for you soon.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[swallow]

Hi Vidanjali,

 

Thanks for the recommendation...no I've never even heard of it.😮

 

I like to say I'm not a great candidate for hypnosis but I'd prob go under just like that🤭

 

I kinda feel much of it is psychological and with endorsement that I may feel is wholly impartial, I might be able to cross the hurdle.

 

I keep looking at myself and feel fear that I am not feminine enough to 'deserve' using the voice I know I can just about manage (I've been practising to speak in the tone of Lady Mary in Downton Abbey)😌

 

It scares me I suppose to go out and use the voice and then get wrongly gendered which then makes me feel perhaps I am not passing physically, even if I get gendered female more often than not so long as I keep the trap shut.

 

I also think part of the issue is my voice has been imbued to be tough and rough since I was in the military and had to command and control 150-300 men then later in film and had to be heard across the set.🤨

 

Bad old habits.

 

I feel I speak much more genteel these days (Lady Mary has her influence)🤗

 

The hardest person to convince of course as we know is ourselves.

 

Great to hear you are faring well with your own journey. Pity you don't live nearby, would be great to catch up and compare over a cuppa but I suppose this is what the forum is for!🥰

 

I will certainly look into this thanks!

[swallow]

Thanks Delcina,

 

Good to hear you have found balance with the HRT!

 

Fortunately for me I am in no ways hirsute and the hair is just around upper lip and chin. I can't imagine otherwise...my pain threshold is lousy.😖 My face looks like this during the plucking I kid not! (where I may gain in ridding hair, I told my electrolysis lady I might then need hep with the extra wrinkles from all the wincing)

 

The voice...some days I'm just resigned to being a very feminine looking creature with a rough voice...🙄

 

I was at the Korean restaurant the other day with a friend. It's one of those places where the menu is entirely in Korean and we were fortunate the older Korean lady actually conversed to us in English...

 

I was so comfortable that I forgot about my voice, got excited talking to my friend...the shop was pretty conservative I'm sure, older Korean folk.🤔

 

It wasn't till close to end of meal when my friend excused himself to the bathroom that I notice quick glances at me here and there.

 

I calmly finished my beef bone soup...realising how loud I was😳

 

The proprietor later came over to take our empty bowls away and I thanked her in the customary Korean "Kahmsa Hamid!" (Frankly one of very few Korean words I know at present)...I think I got the pronounciation spot on though bc...

 

She said "Oh when did you learn this?"

 

I told her "just"...

 

She replied with a laugh "Wow very clever" to which my response was "Some do say that about me from time to time"😄

 

I guess the point in the end was I was natural despite obvious mismatch of voice to look and they seem to accept me with no issue. If anything, I thought the service staff of older women looking back at it were particularly attentive for some reason.🤭

 

Confidence doesn't harm one I guess, its like an invisible shield...protecting an unseen fragility.

 

But yah, hopefully I can find some other means to work on the voice. I can't keep making up these excuses.😬

 

 

[Aggie1]

9 hours ago, swallow said:

Confidence doesn't harm one I guess, its like an invisible shield...protecting an unseen fragility.

 

But yah, hopefully I can find some other means to work on the voice. I can't keep making up these excuses.😬

I like your conclusion here! Confidence is the key. I’m taking private voice lessons and learning some amazing tips.

#1 is forward resonance. Pitch isn’t nearly as important. Get the resonance out of the chest and throat and up into the head, mouth and even eyes. Shoot for a buzzy feeling around your lips and nose.

#2 is talking through a straw. Sounds weird but it helps get the resonance in the right place

#3 is hold a pen in your mouth crosswise and try to talk as clearly as you can. This forces your tongue forward. 
#4 is muscle memory. Remember the sensation that you get when you hit the right note.

 

hope that helps and doesn’t confuse!

 

as far as anxiety attacks I really can’t relate too much. I’m focusing on being myself 100% rather than tryi to imitate someone else. Your advice about confidence definitely resonates with me though 

[swallow]

Hi Aggie...

 

Yes confidence with a healthy dose of occasional obliviousness as well.😄

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Vidanjali]

On 5/22/2022 at 6:47 PM, swallow said:

Great to hear you are faring well with your own journey. Pity you don't live nearby, would be great to catch up and compare over a cuppa but I suppose this is what the forum is for!🥰

 

Thanks, dear. And yes, that would be cool - I imagine we'd enjoy real time 3D interaction. I hope you're doing well today.