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How do you stop being the old you?


StarryNight

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As with everyone I'm sure I've been struggling to find myself, I went on a journey of self reflection and with the help of my wife. I've been open and honest with myself for the first time ever. I told her about my crossdressing throughout the years, and how I obsess about wearing women's clothing, and initially I thought I might just be a transvestite, or crossdresser. So we changed my wardrobe, converted from boxer briefs to panties, womens jeans and some tops, leggings, Capri pants and I loved it. I embraced it as my new style. I decided to identify as non binary because I didn't feel like I fit the gender norms. I purchased makeup, my wife did me up, I started to learn to do it myself, I'm still pretty terrible at it and I struggle real hard with eyeliner and mascara. I loved this. The more feminine I was the happier I seemed to be, I was excited for the first time in a while to start my days, and not just go through the motions. I started to think about it and research. Instead of non binary I feel like I'm more trans fem. I've always wanted to look like a girl and fantasize about being able to shape-shift into one, I dream about waking up in the morning and having the sheets fall off my feminine body, the feel of a bra against my breasts, filling out cloths with my curves. So I know I want to transition, I know the girl inside of me is dying to come out. Because the more I allow her to shine the happier I seem to be.

 

But I'm torn.

 

As a man I worked hard to build this life, I overcame bullying, heartbreak, pain, loss, I found love and started a family, I have kids, kids that need a dad, not another mom. Kids that need guidance, a father to teach them how to properly be a man, not one who shut himself and his emotions down like myself.

How do you destroy the person you are to become the person you want to be? Is it fair to take that person away from the world?

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What you are experiencing is normal. Guilt can be a very hard thing to deal with. Take your time and take it slow. You have every right to feel the way you do, there will be challenges, but you'll do fine. If you don't have a therapist, especially one with gender identity experience, finding one will be extremely valuable and can help you navigate the rough waters ahead.

It is extremely wonderful that your wife is understanding. That is also something you need to be grateful for and tell her as she obviously loves you and is willing to be by your side.

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I've asked myself this same question in different forms. Is everything I've done up to a now a failure? I have finally accepted that I'm transgender but, have yet to come to terms with whether that means I need  or even want to transition. I recently started gender therapy which has helped me accept myself, recognize things I didn't recognize I wouldn't admit. I want to be able to love myself, be present for the world around me and living a fulfilling life. I am afraid of what is next but I don't see it is destroying who I was as much as accepting who I am taking the positive aspects of me while striving to resolve the parts that need repair.

 

I think guilt and shame are things that almost all of us deal with from time to time and it takes time and effort to work through. I would recommend looking into therapy particularly one that is familiar with gender identity issues. Having a supportive partner is wonderful.

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My big realization was that that person wasn't real.  My male identity was entirely fake.  I transitioned when I realized that I couldn't pretend to be him any longer.  There was no person to destroy; I just stopped pretending.

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2 hours ago, StarryNight said:

As a man I worked hard to build this life, I overcame bullying, heartbreak, pain, loss, I found love and started a family, I have kids, kids that need a dad, not another mom. Kids that need guidance, a father to teach them how to properly be a man, not one who shut himself and his emotions down like myself.

How do you destroy the person you are to become the person you want to be? Is it fair to take that person away from the world?

I guess we all have our point of reference. I have never really been who I was. I played the part as best I could. I bargained that if I did many of those things as you have done, I would be "normal". I was wrong. I have always Katie, but I had to survive back then. I am free of that shell now. I will never go back into that prison of a life. It is all a point of reference. 

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Thank you all very much for your responses, I spoke with my wife about it today, we talked about HRT being something I wanted to do. And my feelings and reservations toward essentially betraying the person I believed to be myself. 

 

I shaved my beard off for the first time in 6 years today. I haven't seen my clean shaven face in a long time. She has no hangup about no longer having a husband and embraces having a wife, as a bisexual woman she goes both ways so no true preference there. As far as she is concerned as long as I remain a loving and supporting co parent and partner it really does not matter what I look like or how I dress.

 

We set up a goal sheet with a month by month set of goals to slowly allow me to adjust into living as a woman with the end decision being weather or not I want to undergo the HRT treatment. Or if somewhere in there we can find a balance of where I'm happy just living the life I want without the physical changes. I still desire the body I dream of. And I don't think now that I've let that out I'll change my mind.

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2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

My big realization was that that person wasn't real.  My male identity was entirely fake.  I transitioned when I realized that I couldn't pretend to be him any longer.  There was no person to destroy; I just stopped pretending.

This. I still wear men's cloths, but I'm not lowering my voice any longer (Which wasn't very convincing anyway.)and I'm growing my hair out. I still need to come out to family, although I wonder if they doesn't already know. I have to have my liver checked before I can start HRT. 

@StarryNight So happy to read this. Best wishes for the both of you on this journey.

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I doubt i could have transitioned when women were expected to serve as housewives only.  Perhaps early in transition i felt the need to stop being "me" but over time i found i am still me but me as a woman.  I am still the "old me" with an emphasis unfortunately on the word "old" 😄.  I'm getting better at embracing the real me as she is.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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18 hours ago, StarryNight said:

So I know I want to transition, I know the girl inside of me is dying to come out. Because the more I allow her to shine the happier I seem to be.

 

But I'm torn.

 

As a man I worked hard to build this life, I overcame bullying, heartbreak, pain, loss, I found love and started a family, I have kids, kids that need a dad, not another mom. Kids that need guidance, a father to teach them how to properly be a man, not one who shut himself and his emotions down like myself.

How do you destroy the person you are to become the person you want to be? Is it fair to take that person away from the world?

First, congrats on the process of self discovery. Most people don't want to face their truths whether trans or not so kuddos!

As for the rest of your concerns I will give you my take as someone who raised 2 kids and built a very "successful" life before transitioning.  I ask you "what is it really to "be a man"?  Is it the male stereotype?  Because honestly, I never raised my son that way even when I pretended to "be a man". I believe, our role as parents are to raise our kids to be good humans.  Gender roles be damned.  I tried to raise my daughter to be strong and independent. To become anything her heart desired without fear.  I tried to raise my son to be a compassionate person who respects women.  He didn't want to be a sports person but wanted to be more of an arts and humanities person so I supported that instead of trying to force him into stereotypes. etc etc.  

My son did have a little bit of a time trying to figure out things after I came out. I was basically his only "male" role model growing up and he started to question what it meant that I never really was a man. (he was fully supportive of my transition but this was something he had to explore now). He eventually realized everything I just said. I wasn't raising a daughter or son to be confined to stereotypes but rather to be the role model of a good person.

Your last two points are based on a misconception I believe.  You are you.  It's that simple. You aren't going to destroy "you". You are going to grow, evolve and transform.  Your core is still there.  Your values, base personality, loves, fears, desires etc etc are still there.  Sure your appearance will change, people will see a "new" you but at the end of the day, you are who you've always been: A transwoman.  You just may not have expressed it externally for the world to see.  So you won't be taking that person from the world, rather, you will be introducing the best version of that person to the world.  

People will face and experience some grief over what you will be leaving behind. But those are more "roles". Husband vs spouse. Father vs Parent. Sister vs Brother. The list goes on.  Acknowledge that they do (and you) are experiencing that loss. However, everyone who matters will also see how much better and happier you are and will want to be a part of that.  You re not killing of a person, you are shedding that person's perceived "roles"

Yesterday, I was a vendor at our local Pride celebration. I had so many people, some who barely new me before, or just came into my life because of my transition journey who came up to me and expressed gratitude for letting them experience the joy and happiness of my transformation. Many stated that their lives are richer and better for having know my authentic self. I have (and you will ) inspire so many people.  So don't ask if it's fair to take away the old you from the world, instead ask yourself, "is it fair to not let the world experience a better version of myself?"

 

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18 hours ago, StarryNight said:

How do you destroy the person you are to become the person you want to be? Is it fair to take that person away from the world?

 

17 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

Your last two points are based on a misconception I believe.  You are you.  It's that simple. You aren't going to destroy "you". You are going to grow, evolve and transform.  Your core is still there. 

I wanted to say this as well.

I think Bri has said it as well or better than I could have.

You always were you, and always will be.

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33 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

So don't ask if it's fair to take away the old you from the world, instead ask yourself, "is it fair to not let the world experience a better version of myself?"

 

Wow, what a great post!

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It's been a few days away, taking what is here, and the talks with my wife, and I thank you all very much for the wonderful insight, we have a timeline set before I make the choice to transition fully or not, during this timeline I am slowly living my female life. 

 

Thank you all very much for helping me understand my brief crisis.

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What you're leaving behind is the mansplaining that you're a man that a huge number of women, and men, barraged you with. You're not leaving behind your self or your precious memories 😊

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Honestly? I just put him down. He was heavy. Jackie doesn't need to carry him anymore.

 

Hugs!

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On 6/5/2022 at 10:42 AM, Bri2020 said:

First, congrats on the process of self discovery. Most people don't want to face their truths whether trans or not so kuddos!

As for the rest of your concerns I will give you my take as someone who raised 2 kids and built a very "successful" life before transitioning.  I ask you "what is it really to "be a man"?  Is it the male stereotype?  Because honestly, I never raised my son that way even when I pretended to "be a man". I believe, our role as parents are to raise our kids to be good humans.  Gender roles be damned.  I tried to raise my daughter to be strong and independent. To become anything her heart desired without fear.  I tried to raise my son to be a compassionate person who respects women.  He didn't want to be a sports person but wanted to be more of an arts and humanities person so I supported that instead of trying to force him into stereotypes. etc etc.  

My son did have a little bit of a time trying to figure out things after I came out. I was basically his only "male" role model growing up and he started to question what it meant that I never really was a man. (he was fully supportive of my transition but this was something he had to explore now). He eventually realized everything I just said. I wasn't raising a daughter or son to be confined to stereotypes but rather to be the role model of a good person.

Your last two points are based on a misconception I believe.  You are you.  It's that simple. You aren't going to destroy "you". You are going to grow, evolve and transform.  Your core is still there.  Your values, base personality, loves, fears, desires etc etc are still there.  Sure your appearance will change, people will see a "new" you but at the end of the day, you are who you've always been: A transwoman.  You just may not have expressed it externally for the world to see.  So you won't be taking that person from the world, rather, you will be introducing the best version of that person to the world.  

People will face and experience some grief over what you will be leaving behind. But those are more "roles". Husband vs spouse. Father vs Parent. Sister vs Brother. The list goes on.  Acknowledge that they do (and you) are experiencing that loss. However, everyone who matters will also see how much better and happier you are and will want to be a part of that.  You re not killing of a person, you are shedding that person's perceived "roles"

Yesterday, I was a vendor at our local Pride celebration. I had so many people, some who barely new me before, or just came into my life because of my transition journey who came up to me and expressed gratitude for letting them experience the joy and happiness of my transformation. Many stated that their lives are richer and better for having know my authentic self. I have (and you will ) inspire so many people.  So don't ask if it's fair to take away the old you from the world, instead ask yourself, "is it fair to not let the world experience a better version of myself?"

 

 

Thank you for this, I was having a bit of a crisis, every day I am listening to more podcasts about being transgender. Forum posts, YouTube videos, so I have an idea of what it is I truly am. With the every day lingering longing to be like the girl in the cute outfit walking into target, or the dignified woman rocking that beautiful dress. 

 

In the end of the day, I'll still be me, but a proud version of myself, finally having the appearance I desire so badly for myself. My likes and dislikes won't change because I look feminine. I won't suddenly feel differently about my family that I adore. I'll just see myself as beautiful for the first time in my life instead of trying to hide away in the shadows as an observer.

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On 6/4/2022 at 1:02 PM, StarryNight said:

As a man I worked hard to build this life, I overcame bullying, heartbreak, pain, loss, I found love and started a family, I have kids, kids that need a dad, not another mom. Kids that need guidance, a father to teach them how to properly be a man, not one who shut himself and his emotions down like myself.

How do you destroy the person you are to become the person you want to be? Is it fair to take that person away from the world?

I thin that @Bri2020and @Jandiboth said it very well. YOU are YOU. Nothing else is relevant. You have always been yourself, and always will be. As we change, we don't destroy who we are. We can't as the past is what makes us ourselves, and the future is who we become. I like to compare it to a in chrysalis; the past is our "caterpillar" phase, our transition is the cocoon, and the butterfly is who we become.  And, in my opinion, you are beautiful just as you are. Beauty doesn't have a particular size, shape or other caveat. It took me a long time to realize that we are each created in a beautiful and wonderful way according to God's plan for us all. I wish I'd figured that out a lot sooner.

 

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19 hours ago, StarryNight said:

I won't suddenly feel differently about my family that I adore. I'll just see myself as beautiful for the first time in my life

I love this statement.  I'm still me but i finally see a woman in the mirror and she's smiling back at me.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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