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Confidence


Wendell87

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Hey y'all,

 

Just wanted to share some thoughts and get perspectives.

I'm starting HRT (MTF) but I don't really feel the need to "come out" in the sense of making any kind of announcement. I'm wanting to just move in the direction I want and not have it be a big deal. This might lead to some interesting moments, such as when I take my shirt off at the lake and might be wearing a top, but I still think that makes more sense for me than having any kind of big discussion with people.

So here's my question: Is this just lack of confidence? Also, if I don't have the confidence to tell people "I identify as a woman", then should I be committing to something as life-altering as HRT? 

I mean I really don't think people will be surprised... I wear makeup every day, skirts, blouses, I get "ma'amed" out in the world all the time, but I guess I just think people have come to accept me as a very feminine man... and I'm worried about upsetting this balance, like the addition of HRT is too "weird" and will lead to my banishment or something. 

So, in a nutshell, do you think it's important to have a series of initial stages before starting HRT... Such as, 1) declare she/her pronouns 2) change name 3) tell people you are trans, 4) and only then start HRT. 

Is this kind of foundation important? 

 

Thanks for your thoughts! 

 

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My opinion is for you to do what feels right for you. You don't have to have the conversation. If memory serves you have a supporting wife and if she knows that is enough of a support system. Small steps are still steps so you needn't overdo it.

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9 minutes ago, Wendell87 said:

So, in a nutshell, do you think it's important to have a series of initial stages before starting HRT... Such as, 1) declare she/her pronouns 2) change name 3) tell people you are trans, 4) and only then start HRT. 

 

I don't think there are any particular order for coming out. Like Heather says, do what makes you feel comfortable.

 

I announced my intention to my spouse, transitioned socially then started HRT. The name change happened a little later.

 

I would like to remind you though, that HRT affects more than just your body. It's not going to completely re-write your brain, but you are going to be a different person. Your personality rotates. Different bits come to the forefront while others fade into the background. It's quite the ride.

 

Hugs!

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"Small steps are still steps" - I love this! Thanks Heather :)

 

I don't have a wife, I'm single, but I do live with my best friend and I haven't even told her yet. I keep almost telling her and then getting too afraid. Maybe that's the next step I need to focus on, is just telling her and seein how that goes. 

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Everyone's different.

 

For me personally, the approach I'm taking is to see what kinds of results I can get with HRT (5mo in right now) and voice therapy before doing any coming out or social transition. (Although, I am out to the in-person trans support group I go to, of course). I live alone, and my cat doesn't seem to care one way or the other, so this seems to be viable for me, at least for the time being. I have social anxiety and rejection sensitivity, and live in a very politically mixed area, so I'd like to see if I can at least get a little closer to passibility before taking other steps. I'm actually quite interested to see if anyone notices anything!

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4 hours ago, Wendell87 said:

I mean I really don't think people will be surprised... I wear makeup every day, skirts, blouses, I get "ma'amed" out in the world all the time, but I guess I just think people have come to accept me as a very feminine man... and I'm worried about upsetting this balance,

Sounds like you are already "out" in practice.

It's just what you want to do now.

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I'm not sure about stages of coming out, as I think it will differ for everybody.

 

Over the last 2-3 years I've been gradually more androgynous in appearance, and mostly just focused on figuring out if I'm dressing/doing things because others expect me to, or because it is the real me.  Unfortunately the real me just prefers to go without clothes and that isn't socially acceptable, so there's always going to be a bit of compromise.  🤫

 

Except for the people you're really close to, everybody else probably won't notice your changes very much.  Maybe it is good or maybe it is bad, but the majority of people tend to be focused on their own stuff, oblivious to the rest of the world.

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Thanks everyone so much! It's such a relief to hear such casual responses to what seems like an apocalyptic event in my head lol. 

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Cisgendered people don't make announcements about who they are.  They're just be who they are, and that's that.  There's no compelling reason for you to come out to anyone if you don't want to.  Sometimes, just being yourself is the best way to tell others who you are.  The only reason I explicityly came out was because people had been noticing I was plainly not doing well.  Once that happened, I just continued living, only without having to hide myself.

 

In short, if you're not hiding, you already have all the confidence you need.  You don't need to make an announcement.

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3 hours ago, MetaLicious said:

In short, if you're not hiding, you already have all the confidence you need.  You don't need to make an announcement.

 

To a point anyway. Check local laws. Where I live I can be fired, thrown out of an apartment or denied medical service for being trans. I hope that changes soon, but I check with new people before I get too comfortable. Just in case we're going to have a problem.

 

Hugs!

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9 hours ago, Wendell87 said:

Thanks everyone so much! It's such a relief to hear such casual responses to what seems like an apocalyptic event in my head lol. 

I think those feelings are natural.  What I've been through lately had me all worked up.  It felt apocalyptic, like you say.  It has turned out just fine so far.  When we've been hurt in the past, that nervousness carries into the future.  Emotions are illogical, but hold power in our lives just the same.  Hopefully things work out for you, and will be better than what's in your mind.  

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