New parent

[Shelley]

Hello, I am new to all of this.  Our 10 year old daughter recently came out as trans to us and asked that we use he/him and that he would like to be called Milo.  I am not totally surprised, his father and I want to be as supportive as possible and do not want to make him feel pressured either way.  He asked that we also have his teachers refer to him the same.  He wants to do it as a trial to see how it feels.  He does not want to have extended family part of it at this time.  I guess I am here just wanting to speak with parents that have or are going through the same thing.  I don't want pressure him either way.  About a year and a half ago he did tell us that he was a lesbian and liked girls.  About 6 months after that he said he wasn't a lesbian.  He has not worn a dress for years or a girls bathing suit, it is always a t shirt and boys shorts.  Now that he has finally chopped off his hair he seems very happy and this is when he decided to tell us he was trans.  He said that used to be jealous of the boys when he was younger because he wanted to be like them and have short hair and dress like them.  Just looking for some help and guidance through Milo's discovering himself.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums, I am Trans myself, and have a MtF grandchild and a non-binary step-grandchild who are both parentally supported although other grandparents are a bit shell shocked at the minute but are being cool.  At your son's age, you have done about the best you can by letting him live as his most comfortable self.  10 seems a bit young on the sexuality thing, but it is possible.  Do please get a family counselor and doctor to help with the support you are giving him, sit back and enjoy what is happening even if it does get exasperating at times (I was single parent for 3 Cis teens so I know about that period of time.  OHHHH DO I KNOW and remember those days.)  We do have other parents who drop in and are helpful and supportive. 

[Delcina B]

Welcome Shelley! Thank you for being a loving & supportive parent! I was about ten when I consciously realized I felt different than I looked. It was a time & place decades ago when those things weren't talked about. That's just what happened when my parents found the clothes I was experimenting with, the clothes disappeared & nothing was said. I tried to man up, but it didn't last long, so I spent a long time hiding in the closet & hating myself. I don't blame them, people in that era in rural America didn't comprehend, or accept anything but a binary as you were born gender. I'm thankful for children today who have parents like you, who do.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Shelley]

Thank you both so much   We are just going with how Milo feels and letting Milo discover who he is without having to make any concrete decision at this time.  We have told him that he is young and has his whole life to figure himself out and that he never has to feel like he has to be one specific thing, just himself.  That we love him 

[Heather Shay]

@Shelley I see you've met some of the wonderful people here and I wish you the best with Milo and I cannot say how much I admire your willingness to support your child. That in and of itself is so important. Thank you.

[DeeDee]

Hi @Shelley my youngest (now 14) over the last 2 years has gone from identifying as a lesbian, to bisexual, to being pansexual (though not active in the adult sense, just attraction) then identified as non binary, then trans masc FtM and most recently told me they might be genderfluid.  They stay with my ex and she has not been supportive, from the offset she has been critical and has told my youngest that they are being influenced by their friends and do not understand what they are talking about... whereas from me it has been unconditional support, I've helped them get binders and learn to wear them safely and the result has been that they can talk to me in a way that they cannot talk to my ex. At that age there is no physical or chemical transitioning so you and your partner are doing the right thing, being supportive and accepting of Milo's exploring his identity now will pay dividends for his mental and emotional health in the future regardless of where he ends up identifying.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Wish you the best.  Milo may stay with his identity, or could shift back and forth a bit.  Puberty is a stressful and confusing time, and kids need elbow room to figure things out.  Milo could probably use some adults who are varying types of role models - both strong men and women, and folks who maybe walk a slightly different path.  I think I first had thoughts about being a boy when I was around 10, but was not in an environment where I could say anything about it, and I had very few visible adult options to look at.  So here I am in my 30's, dealing with stuff that should have been explored as a teenager.  I wish I'd had supportive adults in my life like you are being. 

 

Applause to you, Shelley.  🙂

[Artpetal]

Oh, boy! It must be an engrossing time in your life right now.

[Susan R]

On 6/13/2022 at 2:26 PM, Shelley said:

his father and I want to be as supportive as possible and do not want to make him feel pressured either way.

Hi Shelley, Welcome to our forum.

 

Wow! You are both truly amazing 😃. Your statement above was something rarely heard by a transgender child just 20 years ago. They’re words that so many of us in the community needed to hear so many long years ago and never did. Milo may not yet appreciate all your love and understanding by your affirming of who he really is. If he hasn’t yet, just know that someday I have no doubt that he’ll let you know how much this all has meant to him in his own way. If there’s one thing that can make all the difference in a young transgender person’s life, it’s the genuine support of their parents no matter how difficult the change might be. Thank you both for being such a loving advocate for your child.😘

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Ivy]

Welcome Shelley

 

Non judgmental support is a real blessing.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had had that as a child - many years ago.

[Shelley]

Thank you all so much!  Dee Dee Milo did waiver as well the other day he said being just he/him didn't feel right either they wanted to try they/them, but then the next day he was like can I be both?  He asked that we use use they/he.  So I think he is just figuring things out?  I am hoping to find other parents or anyone who has gone through the same thing so we can make sure we are not making too many mistakes.  Puberty and everything is a confusing time I remember.  

[Ivy]

40 minutes ago, Shelley said:

I am hoping to find other parents or anyone who has gone through the same thing so we can make sure we are not making too many mistakes.  Puberty and everything is a confusing time I remember.

I know there are other parents on here at times.

As for puberty…  I think I have blocked most of that time out of my mind.  It was not fun.

[Shelley]

I'm hoping to make it a little easier for Milo.  He has already gone through starting his period early and developing a chest about a year and a half ago.  I'm sorry you had such a rough time when you were young.  

[DeeDee]

2 hours ago, Shelley said:

So I think he is just figuring things out?  I am hoping to find other parents or anyone who has gone through the same thing so we can make sure we are not making too many mistakes.

Kids these days just do not see gender as the fixed binary that most of us were (wrongly) taught, their worldview is so much more open and aware because they are more connected than we ever were. There are other parents who ocassionally pop into the forum but you should look for local groups that your family can connect with too. That way all of you get the benefit of support and do not need to be so isolated. The fact that you're supporting Milo as he discovers who is means you're already doing things right! 😊

[Cortomaltese]

@Shelley

You're great, first of all. Secondly, I think it's very important to get professional support on the issue, even if you and his father are handling it well. This way you can make sure there are no options left out for Milo when they might need them.

All the best for you!

 

Cheers,

Corto