Will I ever leave the closet as a woman?

[UFO]

I just keep dipping a toe in the water … but like an tentative child at the seaside, I run away each time the tide brings a wave towards me. I’ve made the decision to come out. I’ve known for probably about 45 years, it’s about time other people did too, right? But, what has it looked like so far …

 

I was always pretty open about my gender fluidity, even before it was called that. However, I never expressed just how far on the female side that leaned. I was the first to take a dare to switch clothes with a female friend, wore make up to fit into the punk scene (ya, that’s why I did it 😜🙄), and would be the only guy ever included in girls night. But, nobody ever knew what I was feeling inside about who I really was. I don’t think I fully understood it myself … or wasn’t ready to process it. 
 

Flash forward … I’m married and have adopted a child. (I should mention - I’m not gay, unless being a transwoman makes me lesbian(?) … so the attraction is real). I’m so happy and in love with both of them. My wife doesn’t know exactly, but she understands how I feel gender fluid (how I explained it at the time). She gets pregnant … wishing it was me becomes a regular conversation. Does she know? … flash forward - we’re two open minded adults who like to have fun, so a bit of “non-traditional” dress up in the bedroom is normal, right? … does she know? Does it matter? At this point I’ve decided I won’t change how I present my gender identity, I wouldn’t risk losing her love … the question is moot. Flash forward … the marriage dissolves when she falls in love with somebody else. We divorce. Sadness … and freedom? No, not really. She leaves me with the kids … I have been their primary caregiver, after all. Divorce and mom moving to another country is hard enough - my identity is put on hold.
 

Over the years I do continue to dip my toe in here and there. I wear stockings and panties to work under my pants, I paint my nails when alone, I photoshop my head on a woman’s body … ya know, normal stuff 😜😁.
 

i started coming out about 15 years ago. I told my dad. He hugged me tight, while I cried, and told me there was nothing that could ever make him love me less. … and that was it. I did nothing … I ran away after dipping my toe in. My dads memory fades … he no longer remembers. 

 

over the subsequent years I dip my toe in more and more. My hair gets longer, I buy womens clothes in my size, I buy a silicone body suit … all are surreptitiously worn when nobody is home. I feel the most like me I ever have … but I take too many high-res pics and video. Am I a woman, or a man dressed up as a woman? Am I becoming ‘me’, or somebody trying to imitate ‘me’? Doubt sets in. Already an introvert, I become a recluse, too. Depression, self-medicating (cannabis - legal where I live), and self-loathing settle in to stay, it seems. Who needs an identity anyway, right? … what does it all really mean, anyway? An existential crisis ensues.

 

flash forward … it’s time. I’ve decided to tell my best friend. She will understand and be 100% supportive. Won’t she? Sh*t, OMG will she? Toe dip time … i ask, “how do you feel about the transgender community?” … she answers, “huh? No problem … as long as it’s real”. I know this isn’t what it sounds like, a different friend has recently told a big lie to her, and been caught in it. Her comment is pointed at that, not the question I’ve asked … but it’s enough to throw me. I change the subject. This was a week ago.

 

i feel like I’m stuck in a loop. I’m determined to begin a more positive change in how I present my gender identity. So I found a forum (or two) a safe place. A place, I hope, without the judgement and doubt I dread in other … and here I am. How am I doing so far? (Friends and family are next week 😳😳😜)

 

 

[Jackie C.]

Well sweetie, you're the only one who can answer that. I've met girls who never came out. Others that come out late in life and, refreshingly, some that come out in their teens. All you can really do is what's right for you.

 

I can tell you that all my friends were accepting. Family less so. Still not a bad deal. Out of the closet was what was right for me. It was basically a choice between coming out and ending it. I chose to come out first. I could always cut my life short if it didn't work out.

I don't recommend waiting until you're that close to the edge though. It wasn't much fun.

 

Welcome to TransPulse and know that you'll always find support here, no matter what you choose. Browse around and you'll find lots of coming out stories. We're glad you're here.

 

Hugs!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, UFO.  Well, as we've recently discovered, the military says UFO's are real, so that makes you real too, right?  😄  @Jackie C.has it exactly right; you are the only one who will know when, or if, coming out is right, or if transition is right.  Things change, too; I know someone close to me who was a closet cross dresser for years, but after I came out to her, her attitude changed and now she's out and proud and living life as a woman.  So you can never say never.

 

You are welcome here, and we pass no judgements.  Be who you want to be.  Please look around the forums and post questions and comments anywhere you wish.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Ivy]

Welcome UFO