Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

How to describe what I am?

Recommended Posts



I'm not a friend of labeling things and facts.


But over the years the way I understand myself and how I see the world overtook the labels for this.

The last months I called myself non-binary but then I found out that it does not meet my way of living and understanding at all.


So maybe you can help me.


1) My expression, the way I go and dress and the way the others refer me, is male.

2) I grew up and experienced myself as a man in a binary thinking society and in a society where there was no difference between gender and sex. 

3) So now I'me well exercised in looking and behaving like a male.

4) So I believe in roles we a playing ... as much as I beliebe in habits, fears, needs for identifying with one of the genders or whatever etc.

5) I don't believe in sexual binarity in the world of living indivuals. For me sciences (scientific instruments and scientists) focus on different aspects/phenomena and categorized them into primary and secondary sex characteristics. For this reason it makes no sense for me, when anyone calls me a man or male. But I have no problem to call me by one of my aspects like beeing 6.4 feet or having 10 fingers or having an quite extroverted limb that is sensitiv for pleasure, while assuming the there could be other visible and non visible aspects of my individuum.

(To give an example: You can call me a good catcher, a good catcher of bigger balls, beeing taller than the avarage, etc., an so you could guess I'm a basketball player. Having on mind that it is a conventional category that was created by human being over time and is not essentially describing my individuality, I would have no problem having been called a 'basketball player'.)


So what do you think?

The label of 'non binary' seems not to fit here. 

In short: I can't be 'non binary' because this would assume that there are different sexes in the world.


Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Agender might fit. Like an agender friend of mine said, paraphrased because they used profanity, "Gender is a mind-fornication and I want nothing to do with it." They largely present female, but they don't feel like they're one gender or the other. Non-binary didn't really fit them either.



Link to comment
20 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

Agender might fit....

Thanks. That gives me an idea.

The point is that I can't really say I'm agender because I already act and feel specifically gendered. I live this specification against the backdrop of a binary (gender) construction.

But I don't see the supposed basis for this, namely the binary sex concept or a sex concept at all.
Unfortunately, I can't say or it could be misunderstood if I said I'm asex. (Unconsciously, one or the other might come up with the idea of equating asex with asexual.)
And yet asex would be the most appropriate to date.

At least I still distinguish between reality and the naming of it. In view of the fact that language likes to create/need binarities etc., I have no problem playing the male role in this play on the everyday world stage and getting applause for it. But I want to assume that the audience knows that they are watching a play and not reality.

But because it's not like that with the viewers, I have a problem with the male gender.

Link to comment

Hi & welcome @Bosa Kinim . You raise an interesting point, which I have also pondered. I identify as nonbinary and asexual. In particular, in doing so, I identify myself by what I'm not. And that's okay with me because I think that truly all gender & sexuality is spectral, including the degree to which one experiences it which can be zero, but I also respect and affirm that (relative) binary gender ID (within the context of spectrum - not as being the only genders) is personally meaningful and real to many people. 


"Genderqueer" is an ID which affirms the pervasiveness of the gender spectrum, I think. However, you indicate that you have no problem expressing as & playing the role of male. Your desire for others to realize and acknowledge the illusoryness of sex & gender is relatable. What is the motivation for this desire? Are you familiar with philosophical/spiritual nonduality? 


For me, at best, I see my body as a vehicle which aids my "spirit", if you will, in the experience of this particular life for the purpose of somehow evolving/transcending. In the grandest sense, the shape of me and social circumstances are rather irrelevant. But, subjectively, I find myself unable to comfortably play the role of "woman" (I, being "woman" -shaped). And, I vacillate between agender, transmasculine & generally genderqueer, so therefore nonbinary personally resonates. 


There are those who simply ID as "trans" or "transgender" without specific qualification. This also personally appeals to me. Trans means to go beyond. It does not look or act any specific way, and may in fact simply reflect the perception you describe and desire for others to see. Or, if you're not trans, you may perhaps be a very highly empathetic ally. 

Link to comment

First of all, hi from southern Germany! Secondly, I'm with you, I have a very hard time with the labeling as well, and I haven't found or identify with any one that is out there. I'm not sure if I got it right, you're ok with your body, and you don't mind playing according to the male rules, you're just not ok with the fact that there has been set up a binary system for classifying gender and that it doesn't occur to others that they're watching and individual and not a "male" when they see you?




Link to comment

Is anti-binary a thing? If so, is it a gender identity or a principle? 

Link to comment

First of all: Thanks for thinking along. This level of reflection is great.

I'll try to get your thoughts. Please ask if something seems unclear. My English leaves a lot to be desired.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 43 Guests (See full list)

    • Betty K
    • Heather Shay
    • Emma De
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bri 434
      Bri 434
    2. Candice 42
      Candice 42
  • Posts

    • Davie
      Thanks, @JJ Orange Polish it, if you must, but it's a gem of a story already. And it's part of who you really are, so it's even more valuable than just a story. cheers, Davie
    • Emma De
      @Russ FenrissonThank you so much for your kind words. More treatment tomorrow and I will also be getting a machine to help me medically. If it works then I look forward to seeing the changes. Things have to get worse to get better sometimes, it feels that the worst is winning, but as I keep telling myself the hope and optimism will win in the end. I just need the webb space telescope to be able to see that far at the moment.   I wish you well with your transition as well and the changes the body can make are amazing. HRT is a dream, and I start with a therapist in a couple of weeks, at last. Even if they will focus on the medical challenges, I will do my best to subvert it to my gender challenges as well.   Love, hope and optimism to all. For those who saw the Commonwealth games I was so pleased to see the LGBTQ+ presence and flag so prominent.
    • Sally Stone
      Charlize, the beach is huge, so huge in fact, I can't see the water.😁
    • Davie
      I wish this on every state of the USA. And on every state in the universe (Neptune excepted).   Advocates Praise Massachusetts Protection for Abortion, Gender-Affirming Care.  Access to abortion and to gender-affirming care are now rights secured by the constitution and laws of the Commonwealth.   https://www.glad.org/post/advocates-praise-ma-protection-for-abortion-gender-affirming-care/  
    • Heather Shay
      this one is stuck in my head - always dreamed about this life.... and the version many might remember.... ah what could have been.....  
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I was never able to envision myself that way.  But I watched those kinds of shows and I always had the thought in the back of my mind that the "wife" in those situations could never be me.  As much as I wanted to fit in the role I was expected to take on, even from an early age I knew it wasn't going to turn out like that.  Other girls would envision their future wedding (even in elementary school), and I could never really participate in those conversations.  It just felt alien.  I explained it away in those early years by just saying I wasn't going to get married and my sister and I were going to live together as best friends forever.  Interestingly, that last part has happened 😄 We still live under the same roof, and probably will for the rest of our lives. 
    • Charlize
      I'm glad you got help Lauren.  10 days of sobriety is something i never thought i'd ever see over 15 years ago.  We in recovery are here to help.  I know i needed help and today am glad i've been given the chance to help others.  Just message ant now us.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Colleen Henderson
      For someone who's “out”, I'm really not out very much. I work at home and rarely have face-to-face interaction with people. But this week has been different.   As part of my vow to live my authentic life from now on, yesterday I told the person who has just started cutting my hair that I'm transgender and no longer want to have anything close to a male style. She was totally understanding and, though my hair needs to grow out some more, we're now on the way to a presentation that's clearly feminine.   Today, I had a routine appointment at the local VA medical clinic. I went in full female mode, quite anxious to see the Physician's Assistant I've met with before. She has a transgender child, so we get along very well. The nurse is cool to talk with as well. VA medical facilities are very LGBT-friendly, so I'm never hesitant to be myself there. The PA loves to chat, and because her next appointment had canceled, I was there with her for over an hour. She has a wealth of knowledge, and much of our conversation was a deep dive into the meaning of my test results, the pros and cons of various medications and treatments, etc.   Getting out of my comfort zone and spending so much time with others has done me a lot of good. I haven't experienced that since I worked volunteer office jobs in female mode a few years ago. It's much different from going to the grocery store and only having a few words with the cashier at checkout. If I attracted any unusual attention being so visible in those environments, I'm not aware of it.
    • JJ Orange
      I was young. I was a little kid. I had my hair in a braid and I sat in front of the tube tv, watching an action movie from the 90s. Drinking a Capri Sun, and setting my dolls next to me so they could watch the movie, too. The muscular hero stopped the bad guys and saved the woman and her son on the screen. My father told me, “Wouldn’t it be nice to be saved by the hero?” I answered with a yes, but in my mind, I said “No. I want to be that man. A strong man with muscles who is able to intimidate villains and save the world. I want to be the strongest man alive”.   (Sorry if it is a written weirdly. I wrote mostly off the top of my head.) 
    • Russ Fenrisson
      Greetings, Helen, and welcome to the forums. There's a lot of kind and awesome people around and I'm sure you'll find a few you can click with. Just know, as you're learning about yourself, it might take time and it won't happen over night. It generally takes time and when you figure out what works for you, it is generally very rewarding.
    • Davie
      Hi @WillowA113 I make up stories, too. Lately, I've turned to writing and re-writing my own story of transition and while it is very hard work, it helps me discover exactly who I am and where I want to go. It's almost like a crystal ball that way. Best of luck to you. You are young but you sound like you've got a lot already figured out. Don't be afraid to follow your true self. Best of luck.  Hugs, Davie
    • JJ Orange
      Going back to this topic! I'm a little shy to talk about my beliefs as when I ever I had, I would get stuff thrown at me. One time, my deeply-Catholic uncle told me that anything non-Catholic is the work of demons. Well, thank you sir for making me more self conscious! I would like to add that, again, not everyone who is Christian is like this.  My current believes relate back to my ancestors, mostly of the Nahuatl/Jalisco area. I am deeply attached to many dieties, one of them being Xochipili, the Nahuatl god of flowers, gay people, sex workers, art, and dance!  I love him dearly as he has helped me become more accepting of the person I am today.    I also have some folk Catholic influence and some of Wiccanism.     
    • Russ Fenrisson
      @JJ Orange Yeah, for some reason those dads in older shows and movies would kick back by the fireplace and smoke a pipe or cigar before bed or dinner. I thought I would do the same one day, but I never did- I personally choose not to drink or smoke. Regardless, for some reason, I looked up to those kinds of guys.   Not sure if that fantasy will ever become a reality but there's always animals ready to be adopted.
    • Davie
      Excellent advice, @Jackie C.. The best I got was from my sponsor, who after hearing me complain endlessly, asked me: "Well, what do you want?" which I thought was the most ridiculous question I'd ever heard. He kept repeating it until I burst into tears. I'd never asked that of myself. Now, it's the first thing I ask. I believe my higher power gives me "wants" as her suggestions for my life and dreams. AND she's been right. It simplifies and directs every question I have every day. It's like a perfect cuppa tea with magic dust. Mmmm . . . . hugs, Davie 
    • Kasumi63
      Oh, well. I was hoping to get updates, but I guess Jeanette is gone. I will be having voice feminization surgery with Dr. Haben tomorrow. I am both nervous and excited. Jeanette's account pretty much matches my first impressions of Dr. Haben. He inspires confidence, but I haven't had the surgery yet, so I will provide updates when I'm up for it. Last chance to give me advice! 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...