Hiya, folks

[Lineally Swing]

I go by Krenn online.

 

I'm MTF, turned 26 a few weeks ago, and hope to be on HRT within a month or so. I enjoy writing, listening to/making music, and playing video games (primarily business simulators and RPGs on Steam). Despite the difficulties of being trans, I have a sense of control now that I never felt prior to coming to terms with my own identity. and there are definite positive elements in my life that help keep my head up. The road ahead is uncertain and scary, as it has always been, but I'm much more confident in my ability to handle the obstacles life throws at me.

 

I used to spend quite a bit of time on Reddit when it came to my online interactions with trans spaces, but that site wasn't doing any favors for my mental health. I personally prefer using forums anyway, and from the bit of lurking I've done on these forums so far, I can tell this is a friendly space. I'm looking forward to engaging with the community!

 

I'm not great with summarizing myself, but I'm more than willing to engage in conversation. So if there is anything you'd like to know about me, or anything you'd like to share about yourself with another newcomer, I'd be glad to

 

 

[Lineally Swing]

Just now, Lineally Swing said:

I'd be glad to...

 

 

 

... *ahem*. I'd be glad to talk to anyone that wants to.

 

I'm unsure of how to edit posts, if that's something that can be done. My first post here was completely flawless 😆

[WillowA113]

Hi nice to meet you in Willow!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Krenn!  It's nice to meet you.  It's heartening to hear that things are going pretty well for you, and I hope that continues.  There will likely be twists and turns on the Womanhood Express train, so be prepared.  The more you know, the better off you'll be, which is where these forums come into play.

 

Please ask any questions you have, and feel free to contribute to any thread.  We'll be here to help if you need it.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Delcina B]

Welcome Krenn! Glad you're here! The accepting was a huge step for me too. I just walked the loop of my driveway where I walked in the dark a year & a half ago, then terrified someone would see me. A year ago I began venturing out past the end of the drive, scared out of my mind. Today I am comfortable out & about as me.

 

Hmmm, questions. Do you interact with any transgender people in your area, like a support group? 

 

I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Lineally Swing]

Not a support group, but I am friends with a trans woman that has provided me important information and really helped me get over the initial hump of getting my transition started, as opposed to letting my depression keep me in long-term limbo like it often does.

 

I appreciate the warm welcome from you all!

[Ivy]

Welcome  Krenn

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Krenn,

Welcome to transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Susan R]

Welcome @Lineally Swing! It’s a pleasure to meet you and great to have you on here as a member. I hope you enjoy the site as much as I do. There’s a lot of information, some excellent threads, and a whole lot of wonderful people who make up its membership and are here to support you in your journey.

 

On 7/8/2022 at 6:18 PM, Lineally Swing said:

So if there is anything you'd like to know about me, or anything you'd like to share about yourself with another newcomer, I'd be glad to talk to anyone who wants to.

Well, since you’re open to sharing a little about yourself, I can think of a few things you could talk about that would give us a little better understanding of where you been, where you are and where your planning to go. I realize all of those things change as you progress along you path but how about a basic timeline of transgender related events. For example, you might start with the first time you felt you might be a different gender and move forward to the first time you wanted to express yourself differently in maybe…presentation, roles, socially, or what have you. You could maybe list some major milestones in your life….like your first time coming out to another person or your first time expressing yourself as your true gender in public. Then you could bring it to the present time and discuss you recent (if it was recent) decision to move forward with transition. I realize that these are only ideas for you and they may not even apply to your specific life journey but it might be enough to get you started and in the end may help us here get to know a little bit more about you. Know that there’s no pressure whatsoever to write a thing although I find that sharing my story with others like myself can be somewhat therapeutic and you may find this to be true for. yourself also.

 

I know I’d enjoy reading more about you and your journey thus far and I’m sure many others here would also. I look forward to seeing you around.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

 

On 7/8/2022 at 6:22 PM, Lineally Swing said:

I'm unsure of how to edit posts, if that's something that can be done.

PS: Editing post is not possible but you can PM any of the moderators or admins to have us make changes in your post and we’ll make that edit for you…with a smile.😁

 

[Lineally Swing]

On 7/11/2022 at 1:16 AM, Susan R said:

PS: Editing post is not possible but you can PM any of the moderators or admins to have us make changes in your post and we’ll make that edit for you…with a smile.😁

 

 

Thank you for that advice

 

I don't think I realized I was transgender until I was in my mid to late teens. It's a bit strange because I was a teenager when the internet's alt right pipeline hit it big, so I distinctly remember being peddled transphobic content now and then. Although I haven't used 4chan in ages, I was a teenager raised with very little internet supervision, so I inevitably stumbled across it. At some point, I saw a post of an MtF timeline that, to put it simply, I really resonated with. That site was also how I was introduced to a woman youtuber whose aesthetic I found very inspiring. In retrospect, I find it funny that a website that spews transphobic nonsense was what made these things start to click for me. Unfortunately, I really didn't have any support structures that I knew of to help me with what I was going through. My feelings back then were anger at having not been born a girl, and hopelessness that I'd ever actually transition. I attribute that past hopelessness largely to my financial insecurity, which is something I'm still having to work through.

 

I ended up suppressing most of these feelings, and came up with some vague plan to get a souless desk job in order to afford hormones. But I always had this feeling that something would go wrong, so the backup plan was to end my life a few years after high school graduation if I deemed that my life wasn't going in a good enough direction.

 

I graduated highschool and went straight to working as a custodian at a movie theater to save money for a car and college. Although the job was far from glamorous and I had many issues with it, I actually look back on it a bit fondly. I remember enjoying the company of many of the people that worked there. One of whom I enjoyed the company of so much that we're currently engaged! Even during that time I was still depressed, having at this point suppressed what I could of my dysphoria.

 

About a year so later I got a job working at an insurance company my mom worked at. It was a low rate insurance company, and all of the employees there were overworked, but it paid well and it seemed like a step in the right direction. I worked at that job for three years, and somewhere in the midst of it all I think I just completely suppressed my dysphoria. I considered myself a cis man who, at one point, thought I may have been trans.

 

Although dark, I remember most clearly during my years at that company were the days I was driving home after a difficult shift, comforted by the fact that I could run my car into a wall on the interstate at high speed if I ever wanted to. Frankly I was just in a terrible place, and my coping mechanisms for dealing with my pain were basically to lean into my self loathing. It never helped, but I did it anyway.

 

I moved out with my girlfriend. She and I could both tell the job was making me miserable. Then the lockdowns for covid started and I was working from home, which was nice at first but quickly just made my home and work inseparable. The stress compounded, and one day I just quit the job on the spot. I had quite a bit of money saved up, and I used most of it to take a three month vacation. I didn't necessarily intend to be out of a job that long, but I don't regret taking the time for myself. About a month after quitting, I was lying in bed with my soon-to-be-fiance. I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was something similar to me being "her strong man", and I just started crying. It brought those feelings back up. Because they had returned, it made it really clear that my dysphoria was not just a fleeting feeling. I spent the next few months occasionally looking back at my childhood and teen years, connecting the dots, so to speak.

 

I still don't have a plan as to what I'm doing to do with my life, and it's difficult for me to get motivated to figure that out because I despise capitalism. Currently I work at Starbucks which I certainly don't enjoy, but the culture at the store is fortunately trans friendly. I know I have some very difficult times ahead, but I'm beginning to have the self confidence to overcome what lies ahead.

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Lineally Swing said:

comforted by the fact that I could run my car into a wall on the interstate at high speed if I ever wanted to.

I know the feeling.  I used to think about just riding my motorcycle off the side of the parkway to see how far I could fly.  Fortunately I never did it.

[Clofree]

Welcome! I'm new to the forum too. 

What kind of music do you listen to?

[Lineally Swing]

Electronic music is probably my favorite, but since that's really vague, a couple of artists that I particularly enjoy are Aphex Twin and Gabor Lazar. With Omgyjya-Switch7 and Wet Tip Hen Ax being good examples of the former, and Unfold and Source being examples of the latter.

 

Vaporwave I also really enjoy, with Luxury Elite and 18 Carat Affair being some of the best in my opinion. Mall Madness and Sapphira Saturday Night being a few good examples.

 

I also got into medieval music when looking for thematic music to go with a medieval board game. Guillaume de Machaut's La Messe de Nostre Dame and J'aim sans penseris are great. It's also interesting to see how different orchestras and groups will tackle the same song,

[Clofree]

9 hours ago, Lineally Swing said:

Electronic music is probably my favorite, but since that's really vague, a couple of artists that I particularly enjoy are Aphex Twin and Gabor Lazar. With Omgyjya-Switch7 and Wet Tip Hen Ax being good examples of the former, and Unfold and Source being examples of the latter.

 

Vaporwave I also really enjoy, with Luxury Elite and 18 Carat Affair being some of the best in my opinion. Mall Madness and Sapphira Saturday Night being a few good examples.

 

I also got into medieval music when looking for thematic music to go with a medieval board game. Guillaume de Machaut's La Messe de Nostre Dame and J'aim sans penseris are great. It's also interesting to see how different orchestras and groups will tackle the same song,

Wow! Thanks for sharing ☺️

[Delcina B]

On 7/8/2022 at 10:35 PM, Lineally Swing said:

Not a support group, but I am friends with a trans woman that has provided me important information and really helped me get over the initial hump of getting my transition started, as opposed to letting my depression keep me in long-term limbo like it often does.

 

I appreciate the warm welcome from you all!

Hi Krenn! Sorry for the late reply, the last week has been very trying, but I have a super amazing "chosen family" who helped me through it, some reside here too! Having someone who's one of us to guide you through this must have been wonderful! I've found that here, after a long journey of self hate, denial & anger. I love this journey so much better! Thank you for sharing your story, I relate to a lot of it.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Zelaire]

Welcome, Krenn! I’ll second Delcina with a thank you for sharing your story. I found a lot that resonated, too. I’m happy for you that you’re finding confidence in the future as you begin figuring out your path. 😊

[Russ Fenrisson]

@Lineally Swing Welcome to the forums, Krenn! I also enjoy EDM and playing games. Much of the music I listen to is from the '80s as I really enjoy how the songs were composed and how they're easy to listen to, whether you're there for the lyrics or not. From this, I became a fan of Italo-disco music. It's pretty fun to dance to!... at least in my head.

 

I don't play games as much or as often as I used to, but some of the games I like to play are open-ended and scenic, kind of like Dark Souls or Minecraft. Sometimes I just like to sit back and immerse myself in the environment, listening to the music (if there's any) and observing the landscape as if I were actually vacationing there.

 

Your story and what you've been through I can relate to. It probably wasn't very healthy but whenever I felt down, I would bury myself into something, sometimes so deeply, it was as if I were going to sleep or becoming someone else for a time. Whether it be watching television, drawing, or writing, I would cling to it so close I was no longer myself and was just there performing said task until I either tired of it or completed it to my specifications. I did this a lot when I was in school to stay level-headed and to complete my work.

 

I still do this from time to time when I feel the clouds coming but it's only a temporary fix.

 

All in all, I'm glad everything is working for you and there are still moments you can look on for joy. Those moments are important and even though it can be hard to access them when things get tough, unlike physical things, those good memories are always there for you to pull from whenever you need them.

 

Keep up with what you're doing. 👍