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Questioningmygender

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Hi there new to this site and its my first time speaking about this, just feels much easier and safer behind a keyboard with strangers. Im 30 years old, names shawn, and seriously questioning myself latetly. Ever since i was younger i always loved the idea of becoming a girl, i would dream about it, fantasize about it and even tried on some of my sisters clothing a few times. I would have multiple dreams all the time where i was a girl and wake up every day as a male and be disappointed.
 

Ive been dealing with serious depression since i was 16, I've always been bullied by other boys throughout my school years and adult worklife, i grew to become very shy and not too social. New encounters and experiences gave me immense anxiety and i still get that to this day. I also usually felt out of place hanging with guys and just felt like i never fit in. In my 20’s i suppressed a lot of my feelings with alcohol, and ive stopped using it completely. Which has helped me get a grip on my life but im still not happy, i just hate how i look and feel like ive wasted my life so far.

 

I'm definitely questioning my gender today more then ever, i still always think about becoming a girl its always on my mind its just idk how anyone in my current life would take it, same with the people at my job. It scares me immensely and the thought of going through with it makes me happy but it just seems so scary to me. I dont even know where to start or who to talk to about this. I just want to be happy and finally be me. For anyone reading this thank you for taking the time to read my story. 

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  • Admin

Hello, Shawn, and welcome to Trans Pulse.  I think most of us have been where you are, in terms of anxiety, fear of the unknown, and doubts about the reaction of others in your life.  It really is natural, and your fears are reasonable considering how perilous the journey to another gender can be.

 

On the other hand, many of us here went ahead despite our fears and anxiety, and are living the lives we had only dreamed of.  I strongly suggest you seek out a gender therapist who can help you navigate the journey, explain all that is involved in gender change, and can (hopefully) provide practical advice.  They can also help you figure out if your feelings are real and what, if anything, to do about them.  Transition isn't for everyone, and every person is different.

 

We can also help with your questions and talk you through the process, although none of us here are therapists.  But we do come with a huge amount of experience.  Please look around the forums and ask all the questions you have.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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Welcome Shawn

As Carolyn Marie pointed out there is a lot of experience here that can help you.

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Shawn - can't say it any better than Carolyn and Jandi - TP is an oasis and a wonderful safe place to find support, truthful answers and know these people deeply care about you and your journey.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hey there Shawn,

Welcome to TransPulseForums, I hope you find this forum as helpful as I do.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Hello there and welcome! 
 

I started seriously questioning my gender at the age of 29 and started publicly transitioning just before my 30th birthday (earlier this year). It’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made. Whether transition is right for you is ultimately your decision. So I hope that you find what you’re looking for and find some calm amidst the stress!
 

If you decide that transition is the right path there are lots of kind queer folk in this site with a lot of lives experience. Many LGBT centers have trans centered support groups that can be helpful for peer support. Most major cities have those kinds of agencies. 
 

As stated above, finding a gender therapist can be immensely helpful. A professional can guide you and help make safe decisions. I definitely recommend prioritizing finding a therapist if you can. 


On my journey I started experimenting with women's clothing very early on. I’ve used sites like threadup (basically an online thrift store) to experiment with styles and sizing. 
 

Before I met with a therapist I worked through ‘you and your gender identity: a guide to discovery’ a book by Dara Hoffman. It’s a series of exercises/prompts that helped me interrogate my feelings. While not a substitute for therapy, it definitely gave me some clarity in those early days. 
 

I think the best advice that I got at the start of my questioning was ‘you can just try things out to see how they feel’.  There’s a lot space for experimentation in the realm of your gender expression, and there really are no rules so long as you are being safe! 

 

Best of luck on your journey! 
 

*hugs*
 

Rose

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Thank you all for the kind words :) i want to definitely find a gender therapist and see whats best for me. Glad to have joined this site!

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  • Posts

    • Carolyn Marie
      https://beachgrit.com/2024/04/tolerance-on-the-ropes-as-transgender-surfer-refused-entry-into-womens-division-of-longboard-contest/     Same old same old.  How will the Cis-girl surfers feel about trans men participating in their events, I wonder?   Carolyn Marie
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    • RaineOnYourParade
      happy trans birthday! I can't speak personally on the subject, but I hope hormones bring you the changes you're looking for <3 
    • MaeBe
      That’s super healthy, to see that something that becomes common has less effect on you and that you are able to decipher these feelings.   Sadly, this trend tends to only deaden good feelings as we tend not to let bad feelings attenuate the same way.   I have noticed less euphoria, but still feel the dysphorias that I have. Sometimes the good sneaks in and reminds me, but often time it’s just me seeing myself in the mirror and being comfortable about what I see when embracing my realized self. I may not get the same buzz I once did, but I don’t feel incongruous when looking at a more “drab” reflection.    Wishing you strength, you are amazing!
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    • missyjo
      maebe thank you I try to be. I thank God for blessings, try to share them, beg forgiveness for my shortcomings n vow to try to do better...2 priests have said no, God doesn't condemn you just for being trans...but apparently evangelicals do   I shall vtry dear thank you  
    • MaeBe
      Meet him at the being good to others part of Christianity. At the heart of it, there are excellent tenets of the faith. Those that condemn are judging, Jesus would have us be selfless; stone casting and all that. Are you a good person? Are you putting good into the world? If your gender is an issue for God, let God judge. In the mortal realm, let your actions be heard. 
    • missyjo
      and just fi sweeten it..I'm catholic n he hasn't been for years..he's evangelical..whatever that is
    • MaeBe
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    • missyjo
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    • missyjo
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    • RaineOnYourParade
      When I first started figuring things out, I got a lot more euphoria. Every time a friend would use he/they pronouns for me, I'd get this bubbly feeling, and seeing myself look masculine made me really happy. Dysphoric state felt more normal, so I guess I noticed the pain it caused me less.   Now, it's more just that my pronouns and such things feel natural, and dysphoria is a lot stronger -- I know what's natural, so experiencing the opposite is more jarring than everything. The problem is, most of my natural experiences are from friends, and I rarely get properly gendered by strangers, much less by my family. I've found myself unable to bind in months due to aches, colds,, and not wanting to risk damage.    It partially makes me want to go back to the beginning of my journey, because at least then I got full euphoria. I'm pretty sure it'll be like this until I medically transition, or at the very least get top surgery (you know all those trans dudes online with tiny chests? Not me, unfortunately). It's a bit depressing, but at least I know that, eventually, there's a way out of this.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Major mood, right here ^^^    I've listened to Lumineers to a long time (a major portion of it by osmosis via my mom), so that is almost painfully relatable
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As for getting a button-up/formal pants suit, you can try to talk to her more -- Cis women in tuxes have worn tuxes in recent years, after all, (for example, Zendaya) so it can still be a relatively safe topic. For jumpsuits, I'd recommend going with a simple one with a blazer, if you can -- this'll make it look overall more masculine. There's a lot of good brands, but going for one without a lot of extra glitz on it will make it look less feminine under a blazer. I don't know many specific brands though since I usually just get my stuff from chain stores, sorry :<   When it comes to your hair, if you can't cut it, you can look up tutorials on fluffing it up instead. If you can pull it off, it can look a lot shorter and more androgynous instead!
    • RaineOnYourParade
      As far as I'm aware, he wasn't -- he just sometimes wore skirts, which was why it was a question in the first place.   In my opinion, part of that is because of the way press spares attention on issues like that. As a bit of a true crime nut and what I see: Child predator cases' (and cases of a sexual nature in general) press focus on those with an AMAB perpetrator generally, and very rarely are AFAB perpetrators given much press time or even getting tried due to a whole bunch of issues I'm not gonna get into. Because of this, when you see these types of cases and a boy is the victim, it's almost always a queer person who is the one who committed a crime that gets press. Therefore, with the amount of cases seen with this type of perpetrator (and due to the fact "99% of queer people are not sexual criminals" doesn't attract eyes), the human brain can kind of naturally makes an association with it. It's not right, but it's also a fault I think falls partially on the media.   That's all my opinion, though!   This is extra confusing to me, as a feminine man is usually viewed as gay. If someone is refusing the acknowledge the existence of trans people, then gay would be the societal connection that comes after, I think. So, that sorta implies that trans women wouldn't be interested in women in the first place by those assumptions? Of course, trans lesbians exist (most trans women I know like women, actually), but it's a little ridiculous to me that people will deny trans people's existence, call all feminine AMAB people gay, and say that trans people are looking to peep all in the same breath.   Wow, this was a lot longer of a response than I was planning to write--
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