My Emotions Diary #9 This Week

[Davie]

Emotions Diary #9

— I’m feeling like a liar and a phony in two groups of my friends this week. In a group with my oldest friends on Wednesday we had a lively discussion and a good time for almost two hours. And on Tuesday I again had a great time but with all my trans friends for two hours. Back-to-back. Two separate days each I enjoyed myself. In each and with both groups I felt happy and liberated to be accepted and trusted to speak freely and to listen and accept and trust others—in those moments, within each. Sounds fine, right?

But immediately after each event, I felt depressed and angry with myself for putting on a phony mask face and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. It felt like instead of feeling good about both events, I felt awful about them. I felt like a liar and phony to both somehow. And I felt I’d lied about who I was with both groups and to myself. Ouch, that hurts. It feels  like I don’t know who I am and that I’m hurting others by my inability to be honest and caring. Once again: Ouch. Is this just a normal day in Non-Binary Transville or something else?

 

And then today my friend emails me from Columbia:
A photo of her newborn baby. Lucas the beautiful.
Just for the moment, I’m reborn, my own baby is me.

— Davie

 

Even bumpy roads show promise.

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

One random thought.... you may not be "somebody you aren't" in either situation.  You may not be lying, but simply showing different aspects of yourself.  A jewel has facets, after all, to be beautiful and reflect the light around it. 

Likewise, in Hebrew, the word for "face" (panim) is only plural.  All of us have multiple faces or facets of who we are.  We don't show it all to everybody at the same time, just a bit at a time so we don't overwhelm others.  I don't think that's dishonest at all. 

[Davie]

Yes,@awkward-yet-sweetyou're right. I've got a whole other "face" of me emerging these days . . . and I'd better not be scared of her too much. I need to learn to love her (me, her faces). "Facets" I like that word for it—and panim. They can help me to accept those facets a little at a time. The other day I spoke to a room full of trans folks and felt euphoria as I listened to a whole new voice of mine speak. The things she says! And she's wild with hand gestures, too. Gotta love it. Thanks,

Davie