Nervous for Friend Trying HRT

[MellonCollie]

Hey everyone! I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this, or even if this offends anyone, but I wanted to post about something that feels a little bit off concerning one of my friends that has recently come out as NB. (For context, I am a trans man and have been on T for 3 years). So, I am SO happy for this friend exploring and affirming their identity, like... yes! However, yesterday we were talking, and some of the things they said were kind of... odd to me. For one, they mentioned being "convinced" by a nonbinary friend that they were nonbinary themselves, with most of these reasons being about feeling trapped by womanhood and the expectations that come along. They later on shared with me that they wanted to start T, and I was very supportive to them, but, in all honesty, it makes me a bit nervous for them. I think, to me, it doesn't really feel like their reasons for being trans align with physically transitioning, and I wonder if I should communicate this to them- I know sometimes people think they want this, and regret it, because they sort of conflated being trans with hormones, which it's really not for a lot of people. I just wanted to talk about this with other trans people to get some feedback and perspective. Thank you!

[Jackie C.]

So, here's a discussion I had with my therapist: She basically said that part of her job is to determine which AFAB people are actually trans men and which AFAB people don't want to be women because being a woman in a patriarchial society kind of sucks.

As for HRT, surgery and whatever. My personal thoughts were always, "Do whatever it takes to feel comfortable in your own skin." I try to temper that with what a bi-gender friend of mine said, "You can go as far as you like, but you can't go back." They also said, "Trans people recruit."

I haven't seen that personally, but I presume that somewhere out there? There are probably well-meaning trans people who want their friends who seem unhappy to experience the same validation that they have. I sort of get that. I'm a much happier person for having transitioned, but I also realize that it's not for everyone.

 

Now, that said, I'd be supportive. I'd also ask them what hormones will give them that they need to feel comfortable with their bodies. Deeper voice? Beard? Muscle hypertrophy? Butt hair (You're a trans man, you KNOW this happens). I'd also tell them to be sure. Some of those side-effects are not reversible. This is not a path for the faint of heart.

 

Hugs!

[VickySGV]

They need to be talking about this with a Gender Therapist in any case, and my guess is they have not been doing that.  Making the suggestion that they get this therapy is one of the kindest and most significant things you can do for them.  Look what you have gone through.  If there are support groups at a local LGBTQ Center, take them to several of those where they can meet other people who have made choices to live without HRT and others like yourself who are taking the 'mones.  A lot of Trans people do get a little too happy with their own reaction to HRT and talk about hormones as the best thing in the world for everyone with even a little bit of Trans leanings.  The one good thing about the Hormones themselves is that you know they are right for YOU within a short time of beginning them and before they have done irreversible damage to you.  Had your T been "not right" you would have known it in a few weeks.  Onset of effects from HRT take 3 to 6 months to begin in full force per WPATH.

[MellonCollie]

@Jackie C.LMAO about the butt hair... yes. I agree with all of what you said. Because gender exists in this space that intersects with things like misogyny, I have personally seen so many folks that sort of transition to be a man, not realizing that they're going to be a trans man, which is a very much a different life than that of a cis man. I think pointing out specific changes that WILL happen with hormones is a necessity because, like you said, you really can't go back. I'd hate for my friend to experience dysphoria, for instance, if they don't have to. 

 

@VickySGV the therapy recommendation is a great one. I also will definitely tell them that note of checking in with themselves constantly to see if the hormones are doing what they want/expect. Especially bc they're nonbinary, they'll probably have to take the lead in terms of when they would like to stop. 

 

I also just really appreciate the non-judgement of the responses here. I would have been exiled for even saying this to some trans folks from my college, but I think it's really important to have these tough and confusing conversations, especially with other trans folks. thank you 😀

[DeeDee]

1 hour ago, MellonCollie said:

I think it's really important to have these tough and confusing conversations, especially with other trans folks. thank you 😀

Hi @MellonCollie I can't really add to the advice about speaking with a professional, because it is simply the best course of action. When I started questioning I told 4 friends, (two cis couples) first and foremost they offered their support, but then when they got the chance 1-1 they also asked questions so that they could both learn about it, and make sure that I knew what I was doing and wasn't rushing into something I would regret later. I was happy to have someone to share my thoughts with as I reasoned that if I couldn't explain why I felt wrong to people that I know care about me, how on earth would I explain it all to a total stranger? Obviously that just depends on the type of relationship you have with them though.

[Astrid]

6 hours ago, MellonCollie said:

I also will definitely tell them that note of checking in with themselves constantly to see if the hormones are doing what they want/expect. Especially bc they're nonbinary, they'll probably have to take the lead in terms of when they would like to stop. 

 

You've absolutely made an important point.  The number of non-binary folks who elect HRT is definitely smaller (I am one of them).  HRT can be an excellent way to address dysphoria, but at the same time the physical goal for a non-binary person is to be happily non-binary when they reach a particular point of contentment (and that will be different for each person); the point *isn't* to pass as a person of the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth.

 

My doctor at my gender clinic made clear that I am free to stop at any point.  That will be my decision, and not hers (unless a medical issue would arise, of course, which it hasn't). I'll pass my 3 year HRT anniversary in December, and I am not currently seeing or feeling reason to stop.  But it can always be, and should be, an option.

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

[VickySGV]

8 hours ago, MellonCollie said:

also just really appreciate the non-judgement of the responses here. I would have been exiled for even saying this to some trans folks from my college, but I think it's really important to have these tough and confusing conversations, especially with other trans folks. thank you

 

Those of us on the Mod and Admin staff have been here quite a while and are a bit more mature in our outlooks which is where we keep this rodeo in check to be sure it has good but careful stuff that people need to be safe and be happy in life.  I for one know what a bunch of things do not do even though people dream of them, so thank you for saying what you did here.