Battered...an after-action analysis. Trigger Warning.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Marcie Jensen Thanks for your insight.  Actually, I've been trained how to quick draw.  I'm a pretty good shot, too - at least I was before all this.  However, technical skills simply don't make up for lacking instinct and mindset.  I can target shoot because it is like a game.  Using it for real is something totally different and the thought is unpleasant.  I take it with me because I'm told to...and it gets dumped in the glovebox and forgotten most of the time.  My fault on that one.  IDK why I'm different than my more-aggressive partners, but its just who I am.   I

 

Sucks that PTSD can last that long.  Is there anything that can be done for it besides talking and endless therapy?  I have yet to find a decent therapist for my gender issues, and I'm starting to lose hope on that.  Adding other things into the mix seems really daunting.  Advice?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ivy]

4 hours ago, Marcie Jensen said:

First, an adult human can cover more than 21 feet before the average person can draw, aim and fire. I've this proven in training too many times to doubt it.

I don't doubt it.  This is one reason I don't carry, although I could in theory.  

[Marcie Jensen]

15 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

@Marcie Jensen Thanks for your insight.  Actually, I've been trained how to quick draw.  I'm a pretty good shot, too - at least I was before all this.  However, technical skills simply don't make up for lacking instinct and mindset.  I can target shoot because it is like a game.  Using it for real is something totally different and the thought is unpleasant.  I take it with me because I'm told to...and it gets dumped in the glovebox and forgotten most of the time.  My fault on that one.  IDK why I'm different than my more-aggressive partners, but its just who I am.   I

 

Sucks that PTSD can last that long.  Is there anything that can be done for it besides talking and endless therapy?  I have yet to find a decent therapist for my gender issues, and I'm starting to lose hope on that.  Adding other things into the mix seems really daunting.  Advice?

 

You are so right about using a firearm for real is very different than target shooting. and, unpleasant doesn't begin describe it. TBH, overcoming the reluctance of most people to actually shoot in a dangerous/combat situation is something the military--and police academies--try to overcome through training. I hope you, and everyone else, never has to go through that.

 

As for PTSD, I'm afraid there's no easy solution. Therapy helps. So does faith. So does understanding and supportive friends. I'll share the advice my father, a WWII and Korea veteran shared with me after I came home from Desert Storm.  It doesn't directly apply to your particular situation, unless you replace "make friends with" to "forgive him." Here's what Pop said, "You can never get rid of the ghosts. You can only make friends with them." He was talking to me about my nightmares, and I suppose his too. He said this right after telling me all about how it was so cold inside the Pusan perimeter they couldn't bury the dead and they had to strap the bodies onto tanks for evacuation. I'm sorry this isn't much, but it's the best I can do.

 

God Bless you and heal you.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Marcie Jensen I'm working on the forgiveness...not there yet.  I want to, but part of me is angry that my body has been possibly permanently damaged by this.  Not nearly as angry as my partners and friends, and our community in general.  The judge actually denied bail to my attacker for his own safety.  

 

I hope my dreams and daytime freakouts don't last forever.  I have such a hard time sleeping, but is something common to all my partners.  We call our family the "basket of broken things" because each of us has some major trauma in the past.  At least I'm where I belong.   

[awkward-yet-sweet]

UPDATE

 

Tomorrow I have to testify in court.  Really not looking forward to it. I don't want to think about it, and I'm definitely not happy about having to talk about and relive my experience in front of a bunch of people. 🙄

 

This would have been done sooner, but the defense kept delaying and trying to get the case heard elsewhere.  Just hoping the proceeding go quickly.  

[Colleen Henderson]

6 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Tomorrow I have to testify in court. 

Props to you for having the courage to do it. Scumbags like that need to feel the full force of the law. Even if the outcome is not what you hope (and it certainly should be), you will have performed a valuable service.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

37 minutes ago, Colleen Henderson said:

Props to you for having the courage to do it. Scumbags like that need to feel the full force of the law. Even if the outcome is not what you hope (and it certainly should be), you will have performed a valuable service.

Thanks, but I think you give me too much credit.  If I had a choice, I wouldn't testify.  If I refuse, I'd probably be found in contempt of court. 🙄. Kind of irritating that it comes back on me like that. 

[Marcie Jensen]

2 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Tomorrow I have to testify in court. 

I'm proud of you for both your courage and strength of character.  Real courage is taking on the unpleasant task even when you don't want to. I hope you get this jerk locked up for life. It's what he deserves.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

3 hours ago, Marcie Jensen said:

I'm proud of you for both your courage and strength of character.  Real courage is taking on the unpleasant task even when you don't want to. I hope you get this jerk locked up for life. It's what he deserves.

Thanks.  I'm not sure how I feel about him being locked up.  Thankfully, it isn't my decision to make.  He's looking at a 20 year maximum sentence, of which he'll have to serve at least half.  So, 10 years plus parole, if eligible.  I'd be content with him being in exile...just so he's nowhere near me. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

After a long day, the verdict is in.  GUILTY! 

 

I was surprised at all the crap the defense tried to pull.  Trying to claim that he was defending himself against ME, and that I started everything.  I was surprised the judge allowed that stuff to be presented, since it sure looked like perjury to me.  Thankfully the jury wasn't having any of it.  They took all of 15 minutes to deliberate before returning with the unanimous verdict.  Before I went into this, I wasn't sure how I'd feel.  But after the defense trying to smear me, I was rather satisfied to watch that rat get hauled away. 

 

I was so thankful today that I had a lot of support, because there were times where I just wanted to scream.  All my partners were there for me.  My sister held my hand through most of it.  Our sheriff was there, along with three deputies.  I felt a lot better having so many people on my side, and more than half of them in uniform. 

 

There's still going to be a sentencing hearing later, so I'm not done with the process yet.  I'll have to present a victim impact statement at that one.  Reliving my injuries isn't going to be fun.  But I think the worst is over now. 

[Colleen Henderson]

Well done!

[Marcie Jensen]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Even nowadays, jusrice is sometimes served.

[Ivy]

Glad to hear he is getting some of what he deserves.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Sentencing is tomorrow morning.  I'm prepared, but even though he's already been found guilty I'm nervous and can't get to sleep.  I want this to be over... 😢

[Carolyn Marie]

1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Sentencing is tomorrow morning.  I'm prepared, but even though he's already been found guilty I'm nervous and can't get to sleep.  I want this to be over... 😢

 

I can understand your emotions about this, AYS, and you have my support, empathy and good wishes.  I think it's going to take some significant time to get through the PTSD, but having closure on this case will help with that.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Marcie Jensen]

6 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

Sentencing is tomorrow morning.  I'm prepared, but even though he's already been found guilty I'm nervous and can't get to sleep.  I want this to be over... 😢

Don't blame you a bit for being nervous. I can only imagine what you must be going through. Be strong and know that you are loved and supported. It takes courage and character to face this sort of thing, and you have plenty of both. 

 

Hugs.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Well, its finally over.  He was sentenced to the maximum 20 years....no surprise there.  He'll have to serve at least half before getting out on parole.  Giving my statement in front of everybody was really stressful.  I managed to do it, but detailing my injuries felt way too personal in front of people I don't know.  For whatever reason, this hearing affected me more than the trial.

 

My partners took me out for lunch afterward, but I still had the shakes.  Started to eat, and had to run outside to throw up immediately.  Took me hours to calm down.  My husband and sister had taken a half day off from work, but ended up taking the whole day because I just wasn't doing well.  So tired, but can't get to sleep.  😕

[Marcie Jensen]

Congratulations on the sentencing! You are a very courageous person!

[tracy_j]

I'm glad things turned out with a positive result. I just hope your recovery is not too stressful.

 

Tracy

[Ivy]

Glad that they locked the bastard up for a long time.  It doesn't make it go away, but it is something.