Being constantly laughed at and insulted makes me want to detransition

[Polkastrings]

Hello everyone. This is my first time reaching out to people that have similiar issues so I am looking forward to your responses and or advice.

 

I am 31 years old and came out a year ago and started to transition respectively, m2f. Everything went pretty smooth in the beginning, although every step took a lot of courage. Recently I could start with my HRT. Now, unsurprisingly my last year was one hell of a rollercoaster of emotions and I feel like every time I fall into a depressed pit it's worse than the last time, but that may be just my mind playing tricks on me.

Anyways, I have no confidence whatsoever and even though I'm in Germany where it's not THAT bad being transgender, I get regularly ridiculed or insulted, I'd say about one or two times a month. Sometimes, but rarely, I manage it in a healthy way. Most of the times, however, it makes my blood boil. I'm falling into this viscious cycle of hate, hating intolerant people and ultimately myself because I "decided" to be in this position. The more I think about it the more I just want to detransition because even though I didn't live my life authentically back then, at least people left me the -expletive- alone. When I talk with my therapist about these issues all I get is sympathy, it seems like I just have to learn how to live with it. Sometimes I don't feel bad about transitioning, but so far most of the times .. idk, it's really exhausting and stressful.

 

So my question, is, I guess, how to deal with that. As I said I have 0 confidence because my inner critic is so -censored- loud (gets even louder when I read transphobic -crap- online or something IRL happens) and I have no idea how to build confidence??

 

much love ❤️

[Jackie C.]

Self love is a rough one. Honestly, I haven't experienced any insults or slurs in my day-to-day. Well, mostly. There was this one guy, and it hurt, but whatever.

 

So here's the thing: Being trans is tough in today's world. There aren't as many transphobes out there as you're being led to beleive, but the ones that exist are loud. Most people honestly don't care. The first thing I did was surround myself with supportive people. I went from "Jackie the trans-women" to just Jackie. My friends know I'm trans. They just don't care. Once you have that support network in place, things get a lot easier. We're social creatures, we need the support.

 

External validation is just a band-aid though. Internal validation has to come from, well, inside. I spent some time investigating my own spirituality, learning what kind of person I want to be and striving to get closer to that person every day. One of the most powerful questions my therapist asked me was, "OK, so what kind of woman is Jackie?" You can break that down further. "Is Jackie the kind of person who lives in a dirty house? What does Jackie do when a friend is hurting?, etc..."

 

From internal validation comes confidence. I know I'm a woman. I know what kind of woman I am. I know how to carry myself through the world. On the VERY rare occasion that somebody misgenders me, they get a raised eyebrow and a "Really?" Sometimes I get snarky, "What makes you think I'm a man? Was it the voice or the tits?" I don't let it bother me though. I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin. It came with time, patience, looking inward and surrounding myself with amazing friends.

 

Hugs!

[Sally Stone]

Hi, I thought I might be able to give you some advice, but it looks as though Jackie pretty much nailed it.  So, instead of trying add to her comments, I'll just reinforce something she said.  "I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin."  

 

Being comfortable in your own skin, in my opinion, is the absolute best way to deal with the haters.  When you are really happy with who you are, insensitive comments tend to roll off without the intended effect.  When I got comfortable in my skin, it was as if I was suddenly deaf to negative comments.  Hopefully, for you, a personal comfort level will be as effective as it was for me.  Best wishes and try your best to love yourself.

[VickySGV]

I have been out in public for 14 years and as time goes by you "hear" the comments less and less, because you know the other person is full of manure and is a horses butt.  I put myself in places where that type of mule poop is going to happen as I try to educate other people about Trans people and our lives.  What @Jackie C. and @Sally Stone have said it right on as to how to face it, and really the best way to face it, is with your back side as you walk away from it.  In time you do gain self confidence which is necessary for the job.   A good way to do that is join with other Trans people in your community, not just for night life, but for friendship and support.  One H8er against a whole regiment of Trans People who are proud of who they are is pretty pathetic. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

A lot of this is just like being back in elementary/middle school.  You've got icky people who say icky things.  Maybe you see them regularly, maybe you don't.  But there's three common ways of dealing with them:

 

1.  Ignore.  What they say goes in one ear, out the other, and you don't react.  Just keep on walking.

2. Say something snarky.  If you're smart and have a good vocabulary, make fun of them in return and cut them down to size. 

3. Chellenge them.  I don't recommend this, and you stand a good chance of getting in trouble.  It is my GF's preferred method, though...I've observed a few public altercations over the years.  🙄

 

Now, those three ways of dealing with it are external.  Why?  Because if you keep things external, you don't have to deal with the stuff inside yourself.  You can't invent confidence overnight...but you can draw from emotion to put up a wall.  Option #1 comes from fear/avoidance...not exactly healthy, but it tends to be my method of choice.  I scamper away and hide.  Options #2 and #3 come from a place of anger.  Not healthy either, but usable. 

 

If you get the external stuff out of you way, you can deal with the internal part later, when things maybe make more sense.  As humans, we only have so much ability to deal with stress and chaos.  And since a lot of that stress and chaos is internal, we can't handle everything all at once.  Time heals a lot of things, and getting through to the next day gives you room to become comfortable with yourself gradually. 

[Delcina B]

Hi @Polkastrings! Some wonderful answers, all telling the same message, it's an inside job. I know it was for me. The first time I took my crossdressing out of the closet it was here deep in the Florida Panhandle "redneck" country, it was at night & I didn't leave my property, but I was so scared someone was going to jump out of the bushes, catch me & beat the crap out of me. It didn't happen. Shortly after I found this amazing forum & explored the possibility I might be transgender, I am. The next two times I ventured out were to see my gender therapist & a transgender support group. I was sure everyone was staring at me as I drove, never mind when I got out of the car. A bunch of us went out to eat after the meeting, my self consciousness & anxiety were through the roof. Nothing happened other than we got a few stares. I started living, dressing androgynous & worked from there to feminine, seeing how the other women my age dressed & dressed like them. I don't pass as a cis woman, but as a transgender woman, & I'm okay with that today. Despite all the really negative politics here, most people accept me as I am, if not then at least tolerate. One really awesome bit of advice one of the girls in the support group gave me was, "act like you belong & nothing is out of the ordinary." It took time to develop, but that's how I go about my life today. 

 

As for detransitioning, I tried for my soon to be ex who said I was selfish. After four days, I was so angry & resentful towards her it would've only been a short time before I would be back drinking (an allergy of mine), or dead. I have gender dysphoria, my best option is to travel this journey exploring my femme no matter what others choose to think. I'm happy today & even have a smile for those I meet. 

 

I'd highlight, but to keep it short I'll leave it with something folks in another place I frequent suggest, "If you want what I got, just do like I do." It's not the only way, but it works for me, I hope you find your way.

 

Hugs!

Delcina