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Questioning and very unsure


notagoose

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I am new here and unfamiliar with the format, so sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I've had a lot of confusion over the past few months and I really can't seem to figure it out, so I was wondering if you guys could help me out. I don't know who I am, so I'm just going to lay out a little timeline here and see if I can get some outside perspectives. 

When I was a little kid, I wasn't very feminine. I hated having my hair up, hated lots of (but not all) feminine clothes and would flat-out refuse to wear certain items. I know it doesn't really matter, but I also had very masculine interests, to the point that my parents were genuinely confused when I played with "girly" Lego set one time. I also expressed multiple times a desire to have male genitalia, mostly so I could pee standing up, which I was very interested in finding a way to do. I was shirtless all the time amd was very confused about why girls weren't allowed to not wear shirts when they were older. I was excited to get boobs, mostly because I thought they would be like stress balls/pillows permanently attached to my body, which I thought was cool. I really wanted to be accepted by the guys at school as one of them, but my best friend was female (though not particularly feminine). 

 

I don't have a lot of memories from my early adolescence. I remember being excited when my breasts first started coming in, but I was deeply uncomfortable about my period. When I first got it, I got this horrible sinking feeling and what in hindsight could have been panic (I have an anxiety disorder) or dysphoria. I was hoping that I'd pooped my pants because I was so desperate to deny that that was happening to my body. About a year later, I started wearing really baggy clothing. I even went as far as to wear a full-on winter coat throughout most of the 80-90 degree summer. I believe this was a subconscious effort to hide my breasts, but I'm open to suggestions about possible reasons for that (very bizarre) behavior lol. When I was about 14, I was walking by a reflective surface and saw my reflection and noticed that the curve of my breasts was visible beneath my hoodie, and that's when I got my first dose lf honest-to-goodness, real identifiable dysphoria. It's weird to me that it happened so suddenly, but it's been getting worse ever since. I started feeling uncomfortable when referred to by she/her pronouns, and getting some bottom and voice dysphoria (which might have always been there a little bit, I just didn't really notice it)

 

Now, I don't know what to think. I'm very happy when I'm called by my chosen name and he/him pronouns. I even remember crying a bit when I was first called "he." I am uncomfortable when referred to by she/her. I cut my hair a little while back and it felt amazing, I learned I have a very masculine face and started passing as male to strangers immediately. That felt a little odd, but mostly pretty good, which I've heard is pretty much they opposite of what cis women feel when taken for male. However, I never had that "not seeing yourself in the mirror" feeling until I got my haircut, and I genuinely can't tell if it's because I look to masculine or too feminine, though I think it's the latter. I can get pretty intense dysphoria about my chest, though it varys from day to day, and I use layered sports bras and a heavy slouch to hide it. I pack sometimes, and seeing the bulge makes me very happy, but it feels weird to not have any sensation in it. So I don't know. There's a lot more, but this is already a lot of text, and I think I got the most important stuff. I've self-identified as a trans man for a few months, but I want to be very sure before I come out, so I very much welcome any thoughts you might have, and I'm willing to reconsider if that would be the best option. I want to be out, but I'm so worried that I'll be making a mistake. 

 

 

Thank you,

Miles 

 

 

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  • Admin

Welcome Miles.  Your chosen name is not funny but it does describe a distance of adventure you have in front of you.  We are here to give you some friendship on your journey here.  A maxim that we have developed over the years here is that since you have real questions about your gender, you are NOT Cis Gender.  Where you are on the Trans spectrum is something you will have to discover, but we can share our experiences with you.  Yes even we Trans Women have some wild tales to tell of how we have become our real selves.  At your age, you have time to make haste slowly as one of my mentors put it to me.  Join in and ask questions or respond to them as you feel is right and there are almost no ways to go wrong if you stick by our few rules here.  Take a deep breath and dive in.

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Welcome, Miles!  

 

If you'd like, we can recommend books, online resources, etc. to learn more about gender identity.  Just let us know and we can share info about these.

 

With best wishes for the journey ahead,

 

Astrid

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Yes, that would be great, thank you! I've already explored quite a bit on my own, but I would love to have some additional resources. 

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Welcome Miles! Glad you're here! I wasn't sure what I was when I found this forum. I did find a lot of people who felt like I do. I began to take a step at a time on this journey exploring my gender, each time seeing how I felt. Each step helped me feel more balanced in mind & body, still dysphoria, but less intense. I'm still traveling. Most of my reservation has been because of what others thought, or what I thought they would. To survive I had to set those aside.

 

There are some wonderful books, videos out there, I found You and Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox helpful, they read it on YouTube as well. Dr Z on YouTube is another. A gender therapist helped validate what this forum, & the book had helped me see. I hope you find your way, finding this place is a great start!

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

 

 

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On 10/12/2022 at 9:44 PM, notagoose said:

Yes, that would be great, thank you! I've already explored quite a bit on my own, but I would love to have some additional resources. 

 

 

Sorry I'm late getting back to you on this.  Here are two books that I've found very useful, and they include helpful exercises to help you evaluate potential gender identities you may have.

 

Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

How to Understand Your Gender

 

Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

Life Isn't Binary

 

Both are inexpensive and available in printed and electronic editions.

 

For online content, check out Dr. Z, who has videos on a wide range of trans-related issues:

    https://www.youtube.com/c/DRZPHD

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

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