Dysphoria sucks

[KayriLynne]

I am in a holding pattern. Now that I know what I want, I have to wait until the insurance starts to do something about it. Waiting is just being hard and all the old hiding habits are now feeling forced. 

 

Lately my dysphoria has been overwhelming. My body hair is out of control. The other day I tried shaving my chest as usual but I wound up looking like a strawberry. Every hair follicle bled and within hours the stubble was visible.   My breasts covered in little red dots with black centers, like I had come down with a rash. 

 

I want to shave my bits, but every time I think I can manage to suppress the dysphoria long enough to try, I get intrusive thoughts about other uses for a razor blade down there. So I can’t bring myself to handle and examine the equipment I was born with long enough to deal with the hair. 

 

I’m also having issues with the act of shaving (especially my face and chest) being another affirmation that this body isn’t mine, isn’t the one I see in my mind. Shaving properly requires a close examination of the area to make sure there are no missed hairs. But then there’s more stubble, in a day or even a few hours, it grows back in a painfully itchy, rough, scratchy, dark, coarse, nastiness and I just have to start again. 

 

My current job is keeping me tired and drained, so taking the time to do my shaving routine has been tough. Dedicating multiple hours of my few days off to standing in the shower or at the sink is daunting. I can’t keep my face free of stubble long enough to practice makeup, so I’m feeling like that’s yet another thing that isn’t going right. 

 

Having come out to my family (and had them be very accepting) I was hoping to do thanksgiving in girlmode, by my ex-wife’s new in-laws will be there and it sounds like they’re not going to be trans welcoming. So I’m probably gonna have to boymode for that. 

 

Just a bunch of things adding up and making me miserable. Intellectually, I know that this is just a low point and that it’ll pass and things will be better eventually.  But right now I’m depressed and I just need to vent. 

Sorry to be such a downer,

-Kayri (maybe)

[Delcina B]

Hi Kayri! Hmmm, hair in the wrong places, I can so relate. For me, I've found Nair works best for my body & a decent razor for my face until laser/ electrolysis. I try to keep mirror time to a minimum. My best light is moonlight. There are other things I try to work on while waiting for laser & such, like mannerisms, voice, clothes, makeup, etc. I try to remember even cis women get frustrated because they don't think their appearance is "perfect".  We few trans women are not the ones keeping the plastic surgeons in business.

 

The other day I was feeling wiped out, so I threw a bath bomb in the tub & had a fabulously relaxing soak. It was wonderful!

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Betty K]

Hi @KayriLynne this may be obvious, and I don’t know how much money you have, but I’d say you need to get to work on your face with laser therapy ASAP. Find a skilled technician (not bargain basement); read online reviews and get someone good. And then get ready for the long haul. 8-12 sessions once monthly should maybe do it, but you should notice a difference by the third or fourth. Then, if you have grey hairs, electrolysis will do the rest. But once the brown hairs go so does the beard shadow.

 

As to your body, I feel your pain. I hate bleeding follicles and razor rash with a passion. Shaving, waxing, Nair — all have their drawbacks. Get a good women’s razor (I use Gillette Venus) if you haven’t already — not disposable. Get women’s shaving gel and a salicylic-acid-based aftershave like Ingrow Go to combat ingrown hairs. Exfoliate with a dry loofa before and after shaving, going in one direction against the grain of the hairs. Keep doing it daily, a little more each day. Moisturise with a non-greasy moisturiser immediately after shaving and daily thereafter. None of this will solve your problems, but it will hopefully lessen them. Treat yourself to a professional full-body wax now and then if you can afford it. And eventually, more laser. It’s a long, expensive process. I’m a year in and about halfway to my target, but I’ll still be shaving parts of my body even after that. Still, it does and will get better.

 

Good luck! Hang in there! Every day brings you closer to your goal.

[StephieGurl]

Hiya KayriLynne,

 

That sounds rough. I hate body hair too. Hrt has made it easier after two and a half years. But, I always seem to get hair between my breasts. Hopefully that will lesson in time. I remember a time at the very beginning of my transition when I would go to the pool getting a tan. I looked down at my leg and I saw a few hairs. I freaked. I took all that time to make sure I got everything, and low and behold I missed hair or two. I do have the advantage of having mostly light body hair. Still except downstairs hair is the worst. I recently went through a two week of hell because of that crap down below. I use a lot of CBT reframing to deal with it. Like who put that there—I certainly didn't order it. Not that it might be helpful for you, your not the only one dealing with hair.

 

Hope you find a way to deal with it to make it better.

 

I know it isn't easy,

Stephie

[KayriLynne]

Thank you all for the encouraging words.
 

I am looking into laser/electrolysis, but but I have some reservations. I did a 6 month course of IPL every other week and saw no change in growth even though I am light skinned and dark haired. It should be the best combo, but maybe it was due to having inconsistent technicians or just that IPL isn’t as good as actual Laser treatments.

 

I keep thinking that I should wait to do hair removal treatments until after I start HRT since they’ll probably be more effective, but the dysphoria while waiting keeps getting harder to deal with. 
 

-Kayri (maybe)

[Betty K]

IPL is not as effective as laser. In my case I decided waiting was a bad idea. I sense that in your case it might be too. I’ve been on hrt for five months and have seen no noticeable difference in hair density or growth.

[rachel w]

Hi kayrilynne    I been doing laser treatment since june I go every 5 weeks and i am liking the results. but it is not cheap