Greetings; I'm confused

[Geona]

I'm over 50 years old, physically male, have never dated, and am starting to question my sexual identity.

 

I've always found most traditionally "masculine" characteristics - the emphasis on physicality and aggressive sexuality - distasteful if not offensive; whereas many traditional feminine characteristics (compassion, empathy, "cuteness") something I try to strive for. Well, I've mostly given up on the cuteness angle; a 50+ YO morbidly obese guy with a beard is never going to be cute. Subtracting the beard won't help. On the other hand, three of the four posters on my walls are magical girls, and I have a set of those nekomimi ears that move by detecting your brain waves. Cross-dressing and makeup is something I've considered in passing but as my physicality is not remotely feminine I don't think it would work.

 

I was a practicing Christian until I was about thirty. The first church I was in was fairly supportive of trans people - it had a trans female member - but it's just not something I thought about at the time.

 

I do a LOT of reading, typically a book per day or more, mostly fantasy and science fiction. I find I identify with the female protagonists much more strongly, and recently I've been on something of a trans fantasy kick. My other main hobby is video games, mostly RPGs, where I tend to go for the female protagonists - and usually play a healer class if one is available. My user name is that of a character I played in Everquest for several years - a female halfling cleric. I tend to re-use that name as my character name in most RPGs.

 

I work in IT, usually from home; my social life is limited to an anime sharing night I share with a small circle of friends every three months or so, plus occasional visits to family. So basically no social life. I'm quite introverted, so it doesn't bother me much (or maybe I'm just fooling myself...) although I'm pretty good at faking gregariousness in a group of people that I know well. I have occasionally suffered from depression (quite severe for a few years at one point) and have actively considered suicide on occasion. It's quite likely I'll commit suicide when I retire, although that's twenty or so years away. To be blunt, at that point I won't have much left to live for.

 

Wow, that got dark.

 

So... I suspect I'm TG female, but if so a fairly mild inclination. But that may be me fooling myself again.

 

If I'm right, I'll probably come out to my sister (a married lesbian) but probably not to my parents; Dad is over 80 and finding that his son is a daughter is not something he is prepared for. On the other hand, I suspect my sister would not be surprised.

 

My gender pronouns, for now at least, are the male ones, but having never used any others I really don't know how I would react to female pronouns. It's not a strong association.

[Heather Shay]

Welcome Geona,

I am so glad you found us. Your story sounds similar in many ways to mine and finding Transpulse gave me comfort, support and willing listeners and most importantly friends who understand what I am going through. I know you'll soon meet many of the amazing people here and find the oasis I have.

Hugs,

Heather

[Geona]

26 minutes ago, Katie23 said:

Welcome Geona,

 

You are in the right place. You should ideally talk to a counselor, but your story is not atypical. Sometimes we feel hopeless in our thoughts about being transgender. It is not unusual to abuse your body, get obese, turn to alcohol, or other agents. Many of us struggle with our soul being trapped in the wrong box so to speak. Taking a female role in an RPG is not unusual. Many of us did the same things, or when we were playing as kids. Worry about how we would transition and whether we would look female is also a huge concern. There are no shortcuts. Talk with a therapist. I too, put off transition for decades telling myself that I could not do it. Well, I have lost about 140 pounds in the last 13 months going low carb/intermittent fasting with a moderate exercise plan. I worked on my appearance. I changed my name, and I came out to family. I lost the mother's side of my family, and two really good (at least I thought they were good) friends. Talk to the others in these forums. There is some great information available by a large group of folks who have been through things similar to what you are experiencing. I hope this helps.

 

Welcome again!

I tend to think of my body - when I think of it at all - as just the thing that carries me around. I'm not sure that transitioning to physically female would change that. I don't know if that counts as dysphoria. I have a similar weird thing with my mind; I'm always on the outside, looking in. As a result it's difficult to get invested in my health. It's just the vehicle, not me.

 

So I'm not sure that a physical transition would be helpful, assuming it's even possible. Plus I have so little social contact that I can't see it mattering much. My identity is mostly internal, not external. I don't know if that's an introvert thing, or myself holding myself in such low esteem that I no longer care about my physical appearance. If I could wave a magic wand and become a woman, it's a choice I would take in a heartbeat, but as things stand, it would be a great deal of effort and pain with a result which could only be a grotesque shadow of femininity.

 

Some of this comes from a decade as a Christian (years ago), with a tendency to attribute anything good to an external agency while placing the blame for any faults or failures on myself, The whole external-view thing makes that even worse.

 

It makes self-hate really easy, and my knee-jerk response to any praise or affirmation is to reject or qualify it. "They don't know the real me, so they don't know I could have done better. That good thing I did isn't something I deserve credit for."

 

While I would love to come out to my family as a whole, Dad is over 80 years old, and in fairly constant pain. I refuse to burden him for the sake of a little self-affirmation. It's easy to say that that's his problem, but I can't see it as anything but an outright evil act.

 

Even writing this, part of me is thinking "I shouldn't be burdening these people with my troubles. I should just leave and never bother them again." At an intellectual level, I know it's unhealthy, but at an emotional level, it's mostly wanting to run away and hide, while giving myself a compassionate excuse to do so. And at the same time, there's the external me, looking in, saying "There you go, giving yourself excuses again. You really suck." Fortunately, that same external self is the one that's ultimately calling the shots and insisting that I stay.

 

I probably should see a counsellor; I saw one for a few years ago when I went through a bout of severe depression. which was eventually mainly addressed through medication. Although I can't help but think firstly, that I'd be wasting their time, and secondly, that they would gave to find a 50+YO guy coming out as transgender is somewhat ridiculous. The wasting-their-time thing goes back to the idea that I'm not really worth anyone's time. Add to that that I just KNOW that if I do talk to a counsellor, it's going to the that same cold, external self talking to them, and that's not the self that really drives my motivations.

 

I had an impulse here to sign off with "sorry for wasting your time," but instead I'll say what I should be saying here.

 

Thank you for listening.

[Geona]

I'm starting to think that I'm not so much confused as I am in terminal self-denial.

 

Hopefully not too terminal.

[MaryEllen]

You're not wasting our time and we are listening. Just know that we do care about you. 

 

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Geona.  Thank you for sharing such important and personal information about yourself.  That took courage and faith that you found a welcoming place.  I do think we are that.  Please look around the forums and post questions or just vent if need be.  We'll be here for you.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[JaniceZ]

9 hours ago, Geona said:

I'm not really worth anyone's time.

 

Hello and Welcome Geona.  You have a lot going on inside your mind.  Speaking with a counsellor is the place to start.  Two concepts in your above statement are what reach me from your opening up here: worth and time.  At 50+ years of age a lot of things are set, mindset and health are two for certain.  And when I say "set" I do not mean permanent.  I believe that change is possible.

 

This is what I see.  You have interests which you do explore.  You are capable of expressing yourself here to us virtually, but do not feel comfortable making connections with others outside of the virtual world.  You are not sure you are transgender, and you mention suicide which is a cry for help.  I see also that you have made it this far; and that shows your tenacity to continue while dealing with this burden, and hoping that things can be different.

 

Your path forward is for You to decide.  A line from the Moody Blues comes to mind: "What you want to be, you'll be in the end..." Your tenacity to succeed and excel is demonstrated by evidence of your career and your playing of video games.  It seems to me that your foray into the scary world of interpersonal connections and friendships would be a good place to focus.  All of us have time to succeed and fail, and life is merely a succession of these.  Along the way we meet some interesting characters who may hurt us and others who will make us laugh, and others who will love us and whom we'll love in return.  Crosby Stills and Nash in Southern Cross remind us that we're not alone in "Never failing (sic) to fail...", and they point to hope with, "You will survive being bested..."  What do you want with what time you have left?  A counsellor may have the answers for you or not, but they give you ideas you may not have considered.

[Ivy]

Welcome Geona

 

There are plenty of us here who are transitioning over 50.  It's a lot more common than people think.

 I've been living as a woman full-time for I guess about 4 years now.  For myself, I personally think physically "passing" should not be a deal breaker.  What takes precedence for me is how I feel internally.  

[Geona]

47 minutes ago, Ivy said:

Welcome Geona

 

There are plenty of us here who are transitioning over 50.  It's a lot more common than people think.

 I've been living as a woman full-time for I guess about 4 years now.  For myself, I personally think physically "passing" should not be a deal breaker.  What takes precedence for me is how I feel internally.  

There are a couple of reasons I'm not all that interested in transitioning physically. Part of it, as I mentioned earlier, is that I think I would make a profoundly ugly woman.

 

But the larger part of it is a dissociation with my own body. It's a puppet, a vehicle, a thing I move around to get things done, which is probably why I'm somewhat careless about my health.. (Not profoundly neglectful, just careless.) My identity is almost entirely in my headspace. As you put it, how I feel internally, except my body is almost irrelevant.

 

A new paintjob doesn't really make a difference to the vehicle.

 

This may be me just fooling myself with a hidden agenda of too much work for too little return, but I don't think so. I figure human sexuality is a vast and bizarre space and I mentally live in one of the weirdest corners. (Being trans isn't the weird part - and I'm pretty sure, at this point, that I'm trans where it matters, i.e. my identity, the thing in the drivers seat, if not already female certainly wants to be. The weird part if the body dissociating thing, and the outside-looking-in thing.)

 

I've read about gender dysphoria (and euphoria). Pretty sure that's not what I have. Although it's quite possible that at some point I had it so bad that I took a chainsaw to the mental connection. Now it's just... a thing I have to maintain occasionally to make sure I can get the stuff that matters done.

 

Flipside, the... yearning I get for "if I could just switch to a full, proper female body" may lend the lie to that position. But that wouldn't be a new paintjob, it would be swapping out a Volkswagen for a Mercedes.

 

(Insert content warning here; this is about to get VERY dark. But there's a pretty positive bit near the end.)

 

It's complicated, and confusing, and very tempting to stick the lid back on my box and run away again. Coasting is much easier. Hiding in my mental box is much easier, and is usually my default position; profoundly damaging in the long run, but that just makes it another roundabout way of punishing myself for the crime of being me.

 

Yah, I really, really need therapy.

 

Though if I do, I should probably print out what I've written here for them first I have a long, long habit of waling myself away from others, and that factors into leaving out some of the... raw stuff that is a lot easier to confess more-or-less anonymously. My last therapist was a really nice person. She'd probably be horrified at much of what I've written here, because she thought she was dealing with a guy with a bit of social anxiety and a manageable level of depression, rather than the deep reservoir of self-hate I seem to find whenever I try to seriously introspect.

 

The sort-of irony is that my sister-in-law (my sister's wife) IS actually a practicing therapist, and my sister is training to be one. But while I could manage to tell my sister I'm trans (I think she suspects already) she would be genuinely shocked about the rest of it, and she herself is rather fragile emotionally. There's absolutely NO way I'd unload this sort of thing on her. There's a significant degree too which her regard (and the impact my suicide would have on her) is one of the key reasons I haven't suicided yet.

 

To be loved is a commitment to live.

 

I may not think I'm lovable, but I have to recognise that there are people who care about me, and my death by any means, but more so by suicide, would hurt them deeply.

 

I sometimes wonder how those who feel that, genuinely, nobody loves them, and I'm aware that there are trans people on these forums in such a position, manage to live their lives. It's a depth of courage and integrity which can only be described as heroic.

 

(Goodness. I actually said something positive. It CAN happen!)

[Ivy]

5 hours ago, Geona said:

I have to recognise that there are people who care about me, and my death by any means, but more so by suicide, would hurt them deeply.

Yeah.   That's what stopped me.

 

But things do get better.

[Lydia_R]

Hello from a fellow introvert!  I typically go about 2 weeks without talking with anyone in person.  I pressed myself to get out of my comfort zone and meet some people in real life a few times in the last year.  It was a good experience for me, but I've defaulted back to my introvert ways.

 

I relate to what Ivy said of "But things do get better."  Setting some goals and working towards them, even if they are silly, can provide motion in life.  Being alone isn't the problem as I see it.  If you are happy being alone, then that's a good thing.  If you aren't happy being alone, then it's time to get out of your comfort zone and connect with people.  How to do that is something I've researched a lot in the last few years.  I guess it makes sense to sign up for a class at the community college or something like that.  If meeting people is the goal, then the kind of class you sign up for may not matter that much.

 

Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting people was very scary for me.  I responded to an ad looking for a bass player and singer.  I couldn't even really sing, but I had worked on it before and I wanted to do it.  I really thought they would totally reject me, but I wound up having a lot of fun with them and it broke a serious barrier for me.  And I ended up really learning to sing.  We ended up only getting together 5 times over the course of 2 years.  The band didn't work out, but it was a good experience.

 

Wishing you an excellent journey, Geona,

Lydia

[Geona]

6 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

Getting out of my comfort zone and meeting people was very scary for me.  I responded to an ad looking for a bass player and singer.  I couldn't even really sing, but I had worked on it before and I wanted to do it.  I really thought they would totally reject me, but I wound up having a lot of fun with them and it broke a serious barrier for me.  And I ended up really learning to sing.  We ended up only getting together 5 times over the course of 2 years.  The band didn't work out, but it was a good experience.

 

Wishing you an excellent journey, Geona,

Lydia

For a few years I was singing as part of a barbershop chorus. I eventually stopped going because I was working consistently late so kept missing meetings.

 

I also don't really have the chops to sing an effective barbershop baritone. I kept sliding over to the lead part. (Baritone, in barbershop, has about the same vocal range as the lead, which is roughly the same as a traditional tenor part. But baritone is by far the least melodic part.)

 

In other news, I've actually scheduled a session with a therapist, Thursday next week. Reading my own comments makes it pretty clear I have some serious, serious issues.

 

Now I should probably poke around the rest of the forums a bit. Community is about give and take; so far I've done too much taking, not enough giving.

 

(In OTHER other news I've resubbed to Final Fantasy 14, and created a new character - a female healer named Geona Valora on Behemoth. My old EQ surname of Gentleheart was a bit cringeworthy, even though it said an awful lot about what I who I wanted to be with my character. Not resubbing to Everquest itself; it's a pretty user-hostile game. "Valora" is the name of the main character from a book I read recently, "The Hatchling" by Vyria Durav.)

[Delcina B]

Welcome Geona! Glad you're here! One of the cool & amazing things I've learned here is gender & sexuality are not the same. I think it was helpful for me to separate them & focus on gender first. Another wonderful gem is gender is on a spectrum, no two need to look the same. I was so wrapped up in I had to act & look a certain way, but I can take this journey exploring my femme & only need to go as far as it takes to feel right for me. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Geona]

"I am a very unique and special individual - just like every other one of the seven billion people on this planet."

 

It's funny because it's true. Everybody is unique. It's easy to forget when we're stuck in our own heads.

 

I never know, when considering that, to be happy that people spend so much of their time bridging that gap by trying to be the same, or saddened by the way they suppress themselves for that exact same reason.

 

Never quite sure where I fall on that particular spectrum.

 

I drew up a list of reasons why I might identify as female vs. male; the male list was startlingly short. But you're right, it's not simple; people never are.

 

It's actually sort of important to me to clear up the dissociation I seem to have with my own body, as it would actually give me some solid motivation to improve my health. Being a slim man has little appeal to me; whereas I find the idea of being a slim woman quite attractive.

 

Hopefully can untangle some of this when I see a therapist next week. Saw my GP about it today; he was quite supportive.

 

(Three cheers for the Australian public health system - the therapy sessions won't be free, but the Government DOES soak half the cost.)

[Betty K]

On 11/6/2022 at 8:52 PM, Geona said:

So... I suspect I'm TG female, but if so a fairly mild inclination.

 

On 11/7/2022 at 10:20 AM, Geona said:

If I could wave a magic wand and become a woman, it's a choice I would take in a heartbeat

 

Hi Geona, its a pleasure to meet you. I dunno how mild an inclination this is, though. To me it sounds like essence-of-transness.

 

On 11/8/2022 at 1:25 AM, Geona said:

A new paintjob doesn't really make a difference to the vehicle.

 

I think you are underestimating the power of HRT. I’m five months on estrogen and four on progesterone and the emotional changes in me have been profound. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much emotion in so short a time. But I think the “paintjob” has had deeper effects also: it’s done wonders for my self-esteem, my sense of hope, my sense of the value of my own life. And as for my social isolation, I meet people more easily now simply because I’m happier and more myself.

 

Oh, and as to the bit about transitioning at 50, there ain’t nothing wrong with that. I’m 49, and while I certainly wish, with all my heart, that I’d done all this earlier, I don’t think many people find me ridiculous. Maybe a few, but so what? From the people that matter, I get only congratulations and respect. 

 

If you want to do this thing, you can do it, simple as that. You may be starting from a more difficult place than some of us, but that difficult place maybe the result of a lifetime of self-denial. Think how incredible it might feel to stop denying yourself. A breakthrough like that might be all the motivation you need.

[Geona]

14 hours ago, Betty K said:

If you want to do this thing, you can do it, simple as that. You may be starting from a more difficult place than some of us, but that difficult place maybe the result of a lifetime of self-denial. Think how incredible it might feel to stop denying yourself. A breakthrough like that might be all the motivation you need.

I'm seriously considering it at this point, but I need to talk to a therapist first. It's not a decision to be made hastily. People are good at lying to themselves and I am no exception; I need an outside perspective. Describing my current support network as shallow would be an understatement; describing it as nonexistent is pretty close.

 

On the other hand... I find myself, after many years, considering the future with a frisson of joy. It's a feeling I only remember from a couple of decades ago in a very different context. My emotional reaction is pretty clearly favourable.

[Geona]

Little side note here...

 

It turns out that while the name on my birth certificate is indisputably male, the diminutive I've been using ever since I was a baby is gender-neutral. The same is actually true of my older brother, but his name is more common so I was already aware of the confusion.

 

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, to be honest; it does mean that if I change my name I can stealth it to some extent, but I don't think that's actually a good idea. While my usual nom de guerre is gender-neutral, to me it's always been male.

 

I'd be more inclined to change it, probably to Geona, as that's always been my female other half...

 

Side side note: Geona is pronounced "jee-oh-nah."

 

But. Therapist first.

 

Side side side note: my later notes here are getting a lot more positive.

 

Side side side side note: Talked to my sister today about this and she was supportive, if more surprised than I expected. She agreed Dad would not react well. Assuming I am a hatching egg, he won't be seeing the eggshells. I would not be so cruel. Amongst other things, I share his first name; it would be too great an impact on an octogenarian.

[Betty K]

3 hours ago, Geona said:

I find myself, after many years, considering the future with a frisson of joy.

 

That’s such good news, and I know the feeling. But you’re right, therapist first. I’m not sure if you live in a big city, but if so I highly recommend a trans support group as well, or a more general lgbtq+ one if you live in a smaller city. I look forward to my support group every month.