Winds of Change

[Lydia_R]

There have been a lot of changes for me in the last 3 weeks.  Coming out and going full time and now coming to grips with the loss of my male sexuality.  It came to a head so to speak, a couple days ago.  And I just said, well, that's that!  And then I got the idea to get rid of the king size bed and full size couch in my bedroom.  I got them out of the house yesterday and a good friend and I moved my all cotton futon and mission style frame into the bedroom.  I've had an excellent two nights of sleep on it now.  I convert it to a couch right when I wake up.  I put a patio chair and small table with a reading light in the corner of the room.  And half the room is now open.  The futon is out of the living room and I put a couple patio chairs in there.  The living room is a music studio now.  I set it up in the summer.  I'm working so much, that I don't have a lot of time for music, but it's ready on the flick of a switch.  And I'm starting to feel a little more creative.

 

On day one of HRT, I stopped getting morning erections.  And I immediately felt so much better.  And that relaxed feeling has been stacking up every day since.  Even if I could get an erection now, I simply don't want to.  This may be the end of my sex life.  It certainly is the end of my male sex life.  Reinventing a female sexuality is going to take some effort and I'm not sure how much I want to put into that.  I certainly do want to look feminine and have style.  I've been focused on what Ally Sheedy has been quoted on the internet lately.  That she is done with men and has her happy home life.  And that it is enough.  I'm feeling the same way at this stage of my life.

 

I'm still focused on looking good in a bikini.  I'm patiently waiting to build a new deck and get a hot tub.  And then to get SRS.  I'm sipping my mochas in the mean time and doing the work to make all this happen.  It is good to feel the motion in my life and see things progress.

[Mmindy]

Good morning Lydia,

 

That's a great update, and change to your life.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Lydia_R]

Thanks for the encouragement Mindy!

 

I've been "full time" for about a month now.  I decided to be a little more bold at the grocery store today and not cover my nice clothes with my winter coat.  I had a woman commenting on how nice my purse was and she was showing me her lovely tattoo.  And then the woman behind me in line was commenting about the brussel sprouts on the stalk that I was buying.  And the man who was bagging my groceries was asking about my boots.

 

So, all that attention felt pretty good and gives me some encouragement to not be so scared out in the world.  I had an interesting time getting new tires on the car this morning too.  Again, not wearing my winter coat.  There was one other woman waiting who was dressed as nice as I was.  The lady who put the tires on my car was very nice and welcoming to me.  Mostly old men in jeans waiting though.  Guns and Ammo in the magazine rack.  They were using my dead name and I didn't have them change it.  I don't drive much, so it'll be a while before I'm back there.

 

Breast buds are forming and I swear my breasts are bulking up a little bit.  Entirely giving up my male sexuality and then changing the furniture in my house this week was a major change.  The male energy I've been using to attract a female partner my whole life did not work very well.  I'm very submissive and I only worked well with partners who were more submissive than me.  I just know that the way I approached sexuality as a male was a huge source of frustration and I'm glad I'm giving it up.

 

Submissive is a weird term.  I'm certainly not a follower.  But I dislike aggression and I don't like telling people what to do.  I always felt uncomfortable initiating sex.  I don't know where I'll wind up on the sex/relationship area of my life.  In the first post I made on this site, I commented that I was scared that I would wind up androgynous and asexual.  Earlier this week I was feeling like that was coming true.  The events of today helped me feel more comfortable in my female sexuality.  I may never have a partner again, but that doesn't have to mean that I will become asexual.  And not that asexuality is a negative thing.  My first adult partner was asexual and I stayed with her for many years.  She's a wonderful person.  But it was a huge source of frustration for me because I am not asexual.

 

Anyway.  You know.  I sure felt good having a lady say that she liked my purse!  I'm doing pretty well out there!