Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Why Is?


Recommended Posts

Why is it that the only time I have the courage to declare myself as who I am is when I've had a drink.  Is it because I can only believe it when I am drunk?  Is it because I'm a coward at heart?  Is it because I'm still not sure.  Damned if I know.  Here I am vacillating between letting the whole idea go of being trans and having SRS.  It's a hell of a dilemma with me.  Talking with my councilor doesn't help.  All she does is support whatever I'm feeling during that session.  Maybe that's why I drink?  To allow myself to accept and have the courage to be who I am?  Hell of a quandary and not one I think I will ever solve.

Link to comment
  • Admin

In chapter 3 of the Big Book of AA, it says that no one likes to admit they are different from other people.  While it is referring to our addictions to alcohol, I found that it also applied to being Trans.   The second element in recovery that I learned was that we could become  "rigorously honest" about the addiction while being sober.  Again, something that also applies to our being Trans.  It can be done but I had to learn it by almost killing myself with a prescription drug and getting sent to Substance Abuse Counselor who actually gave me the Gender Therapy items as I became used to being honest with him.  My first major Coming Out was in a group therapy session for addicts.  After I did that, almost no one spoke and I was afraid they thought I was telling a bad story.  When I saw my Counselor several days later he told me  that he and his colleagues had been hearing the others from the group finally coming to grips with their own REAL addiction problems.  My honesty and openness had given them the courage they needed for their lives.  Talk about shock on my part. My counselor had me go with him to his boss who was an M.D. who on the spot referred me to Endocrinology for HRT and offered me the surgery letters from the two of them. 


Maybe your therapist thinks you are being honest about your gender feelings, now to be honest about the drinking issue as well so the whole package of you can be given what you need. 

Link to comment

What Vicky says about addition is so true I drank for over 20 years mostly out frustration about my life and gender issues. Yet it took another 23 years after stopping and living sober before I could over come the fear of my gender issues.The thing that I found that was similiar was the need to become honest with my self about who I was, and that fear of confronting that had paralyzed me most of my life. When I saw a grief therapist after the death of my wife she knew something was going on with me and eventually pried it out of me that I always  felt I should have been born female. Telling another human being even a trained therapist is so hard, and yet it led me to the freedom finally to  start to deal with my issues.I was physically addicted to alcohol and found a way out through AA ,and found a chance to live my life as who I had always felt I should be by getting over my fear of who I new I really was. Don't know if that makes sense but that's my story.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

You are in a tough situation but knowing some of your past burdens, I think you are doing amazingly well. Hang in there and keep fighting. You'll make it. I believe in you.

Link to comment

Hi @LaurenA, it’s nice to meet you. It seems to me that vacillating between SRS and giving up transition entirely is a very all-or-nothing approach. I don’t know your story so I’m not sure if you’re on HRT already, but I presume you’re not presenting  full-time? If that’s the case, maybe there are some more gradual — and less scary — steps you can take than SRS, and by taking those steps and seeing how they make you feel you may know more clearly whether SRS is for you? Personally, I think my upbringing in the 1970s and 80s trained me to see gender in a binary way that I am having to overcome to cope with my transition. After all, transition is a gradual process. It’s not, no matter how much I wish it was, like flicking a switch. 

Link to comment

Hi @Betty K  I grew up in the 1950's where being anything but M/F was considered an abomination.  That attitude controlled my actions for a VERY long time.  It wasn't until I turned 70 that I and admitted I was trans.  Hell, until Christine Jorgesen nobody even knew what trans was or that it could be done.  The opinion in the rural area I was in was the she/he was wrong and against all that was right.  In that atmosphere I learner to hide what I felt and to never let anyone know what I was thinking.  It wasn't until I was  in college in the 70's that I realized who and what I was.  Even then I was afraid to let anyone know.  I hid for the next 50 years.  Covid isolation gave me the time to think about it and the death of both of my wives forced me to look at my life and where I was heading.  Now I'm unsure to take the plunge or not.  I've been on HRT for about 2 years.  I have an appointment next month with a surgeon to get an orchiectomy.  I think what I am feeling is a question of commitment.  I have been hiding so long I wonder at this point in my life I should keep hiding or continue down the path.

Link to comment
14 hours ago, LaurenA said:

Why is it that the only time I have the courage to declare myself as who I am is when I've had a drink.  Is it because I can only believe it when I am drunk?  Is it because I'm a coward at heart?  Is it because I'm still not sure.  Damned if I know.


I've also found that I'm more confident in my trans-ness and femininity when I've had at least some amount to drink, too. I never really understood that either. At the very least though, you're clearly not the only one! I've often wondered if it may simply be alcohol's "reduced inhibition" short-circuiting some of that gender-oriented "you can't do that, you can't be that" conditioning and inhibitions we grew up with.


Of course, I certainly don't recommend drinking as a way to deal with these things, or to deal with anything. But for what it's worth, I can relate to that particular quandary.

Link to comment

Thanks for your reply @LaurenA, and I think I understand your situation more clearly now, though for me it’s pretty much the opposite. In my case, surgeries seem far less important than being “out” and letting people see who I am. For me, dysphoria mostly arises from maintaining a charade of maleness in order to cope with day-to-day life. Since dropping that charade and going fulltime about three weeks ago I feel SO much better. Of course, at age 49 and only five months on hormones I definitely do not pass, and that fact in itself can be a source of dysphoria. But I found the emotional changes stemming from HRT we’re making me want to burst for as long as I kept presenting male; the disconnect between how I felt on the inside and appeared (and even behaved) on the outside were just too great. That distance is far less now, and I feel much more free to behave naturally since I’m not so hindered by my old male identity.


That said, I do understand that questioning of commitment, and I guess if I felt I could be satisfied transitioning in private I might consider that option too. It’s just that I don’t have much choice: I can’t stand being a man on the outside and a woman on the inside. 


Btw I fully understand it was even harder in the 50s than in the 70s to be a trans child, and I am in awe of all of you who survived that experience. I cry about my childhood regularly; to me it seems an integral part of the transition process to grieve for what I missed out on. Ironically, the further I go and more certain I am I’m on the right path, the more grief I feel, as I start to understand just how much violence I did to myself by locking myself in the closet all that time. I don’t know what else to say about that except that, to some extent, I feel your pain. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Perhaps some of my drinking issues caused by thecguilt and shame that gender issues caused.  The fact is that addiction took over,  I had dressed and used gay bars as my first forays into the world as myself.  Later as i found sobriety by working the AA program i tried my best to be sober and honest.  At the time gender was beyond my ability to face so i tried to leave those issues behind.  They followed me until one day i went to a women's meeting.  Soon i found a home in AA where i could be honest.  I realized i had always failed in denying my gender issues.  Sobriety actually gave me the strength to live this life of honesty.





Link to comment

Thank you @Charlize.  I don't think I'm at that point yet.  I still need the alcohol based courage in order to publicly admit who I am.  I just came out to my hobby based social group (with positive results) but that's as public as I have done.  Even then it was only after a couple drinks.  It's going to be a very long time before I will allow myself to be seen in public as myself while sober. 


I just noticed that I used the term "allow myself".  An interesting use of terms.  I guess that indicates my own level of transphobia.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
22 hours ago, LaurenA said:

I guess that indicates my own level of transphobia.

I spoke about that at last nights local remembrance celebration.  I was the only person there who had transition and transphobia was mentioned as existing in "a few".  I had to share as i spoke that it has always been the whole society with only a few exceptions.  I noted that i had always felt there was something wrong with me.  The  bravery that a few drinks gave me never lasted but the need for more never left until i became honest with my "issues".





Link to comment

Hi @LaurenA! A quandary isn't it. The stuff that gave me the liquid courage for a few hours as myself, deep in the closet came to own me, killing me. Then fear of all fears, I couldn't live with, or without it. Some wonderful people offered me what they had, what had been freely given to them. I'd heard their stories, they were alcoholic like me for sure, but unlike me at the time, they were happy & sober. I wanted that, to get it I had to be honest with myself. This honesty gave me the ability to look at what I now know is my transgender femme self. I am out in the world today as the beautiful me that has been waiting decades for the self loathing to be chipped away! I'm fairly sure the only way this has been able to happen is through sobriety.


I don't know that you're alcoholic. There's really only one person who knows if your drinking is a problem & is able to do something about it. You see her looking back at you in the mirror every day.


Hmmm, all I was going to say was ditto to the beautiful sober ladies who preceded.


Love you! Please know you are loved!



Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   11 Members, 0 Anonymous, 37 Guests (See full list)

    • Maddee
    • Hannah Renee
    • Trans22
    • Mx.Drago
    • miz miranda
    • DeeDee
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Aggie1
    • Kylie
    • KathyLauren
    • Teejay
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Andi
      (43 years old)
    2. Arielle Lynne
      Arielle Lynne
      (73 years old)
    3. Bobbie Scott
      Bobbie Scott
      (65 years old)
    4. ewwiot
      (21 years old)
    5. Grwl
  • Posts

    • Trans22
      I'm not sure if this qualifies as a thought for the day, but I wish it could be advertised to the wider community (I avoid using female restrooms/showers/... because of the wrong that exists between my legs). The trans woman in the public restroom is not saying, "I’m here to invade your space!" - she’s saying, "please take me in, I have no other place to go." We’re not conquerors or invaders, we’re refugees.
    • Trans22
      I never understood (tobacco) addiction, until I overheard a conversation my Dad had with a smoking friend of his.   Dad had gone cold turkey on cigarettes after a close friend died of lung cancer at 40yo.  About 25 years later, he told his friend that he craved a cigarette every time someone lit up near him - so scary.  Kudos to every person who managed to kick an addiction.
    • Trans22
      I was going to throw away my two pair of barely used "breasts".  I'm not aware of an LGBTQI center where I live but will take them with me on my ~1350km drive to Brisbane (nearest capital city) soon - should be something there.
    • Trans22
      I think this is true for all mental aspects of HRT.  I've always been emotional so neither my wife or I expected much of a change on this front but there was - the emotions are stronger on both ends of the spectrum and I can swing fairly quickly.  The way I feel and sense interactions with other people has also changed.  I enjoy and desire conversations with women and I tend to get disinterested during conversations with men. On a slightly negative front, I have started experiencing a "loss of power" - I have been a team leader for many years and have recently started noticing that people (men) outside my team sort of ignore me and start decision making conversations with male team members who work under me.  My being less assertive since HRT may be one of the reasons for my perceived loss  of power.
    • Davie
      I see. I get it, Heather. I was there, too.  Up all hours, I also sleep all hours. @Heather Shay
    • Trans22
      I'm sure that others have probably mentioned these before, but in my pre-HRT research I never saw taste/diet change or body odour change listed, so these both came as a pleasant surprise for me. The impossible to miss diet/taste change for me has been that I'm eating salads on a plate, with dressing, for the first time in my life.  It's not just that I'm eating them, I'm really enjoying them - having meals with plated salad at least 4 times a week now.
    • Charlize
      It was many years before the shame of my addiction lessened.  I had heard the statement : "i'm grateful to be an alcoholic" and thought the speaker nuts!  Today i can echo those words as i accept my alcoholism and gender as well.   I have found that i when i share my journey it shows another there is a path.  It is always up to them wether they want to take it.   It took me time to fully understand " To thine own self be true" .  Yet another reason to be grateful.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Lydia_R
      I've been inspired to count clean and sober days.  I got a 24 hour coin and triangle necklace.  I've been listening to Elton John lately.  I started counting days from my 30 year Navy anniversary.  I like the idea of celebrating 50 years since joining the Navy and 20 years fully clean and sober on the same day.  It's good to have goals, right?   Whether I'm truly an addict is an issue I struggle with.  My lifelong best friend definitely is an addict.  I come from a long line of alcoholic gamblers on my father's side.  Thankfully, my father started recovery through AA before I was born and then gave me a good education in it while I was doing drugs in high school.  That definitely slowed down my alcohol and drug use.   My friend has struggled with AA for decades and he is still in active addiction.  I think it is critical to have a good home environment to get clean and sober.  I don't think the people he is living with are using much, but it certainly is not a functional household.  I've been very protective of my home environment.  I guess I'm writing you about all this because I might feel like a bit of an AA imposter being around him.  I do credit AA with the successes I've had over addiction and I'm starting to show a little pride in that.   OK, I've got a real question in this post...  Do you think there is value in hiding my AA pride from my friend?  I certainly don't want to cram it down his throat.  But after actively coming out as transgender, I have a clearer picture of what it is like to hide.  Hide/pride.  There is both a positive and negative side to pride.   When I got my 24 hour coin, I looked at it and said "spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection."  I love the To Thine Own Self Be True and the serenity prayer on them.  It really is a good token.   On a side note, my father stayed clean and sober for the rest of his life, but he continued his gambling addiction.  It was a real turn off for me, so I've stayed away from gambling.  In a few years here, I'll be in the position of having money to invest and I'm realizing that the gambling aspect of investing is a total turn off for me.  I think I'd rather work another year or two to cover the interest I might have gained by investing.   -Lydia
    • VickySGV
      Baseline audits are a normal thing for charities and the ones I was involved with as an auditor usually came up with nothing worse than that a former signatory for bank checks had not been removed from the account after the signatory had died in office or that bank receipts were not being turned into bookkeeper although the funds were showing on the bank statement, thus the statement showing too much money (the minutes of the organization were also quiet on the transactions because of that too.)  Nothing evil or felonious just carelessness corrected by a thorough review and admonishment.       A case where some POTENTIAL for harm exists, and a demand for ZERO potential for it by depriving ALL beneficiaries.  😵 😵  Even on these forums we know that some forms of binding carry the possibility of harm and we have done our best to recommend against those actions.  This is a matter between the Trans Man and their supportive medical team and NOT some busybody in the neighborhood who read The Daily Mail's scare piece on it. 
    • Heather Shay
      @Davie actually it is early. My sleep pattern is way off and I get up around 4 A.M.  
    • Willow
      Hi y’all   Some time back my wife and I were in a fabric store together.  She is making a baby quilt for a friend of ours and was looking for backing fabric.  Any way I asked if she would help me pick a fabric and pattern and teach me to sew.  I thought it fell of death ears.  Then last night she shows me a pattern, what do you think of these?  Then we talked about the cost of making versing buying ready made.  The only savings would be a nicer fabric and multiple pairs off the same pattern.  Today she found where she could get the pattern.  Sounds like she is really making an effort for me.   😀willow
    • Charlize
      Perhaps walking into the edge of the door will never be as painless as before but the sensitivity has its pleasant aspects as well.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Katie23
      The problem for some healthcare providers is that there have not been many studies clearly demonstrating superiority, however, it can be very useful. I have been on progesterone in addition to injections starting 1 month after I started estrogen. The key is the micronized progesterone. I had put out a few references regarding progesterone. The reality is that cisgender women have both during their developmental years and through middle adulthood. It makes sense to just mimic nature.  I will try to dig up those research articles. I found the same elevation in estrogen levels and reduced testosterone with progesterone. Progesterone suppresses gonadal androgen production.
    • Davie
      @Heather ShayWhat are you doing up so late, dear? Me too. Great trio of tunes you selected to post, Most people know Simone as a great singer, but listen to that piano—whew! And those three must be proofs of God's existance—it's about 30 billion light years to the next trio that good.  Hugs, Davie
    • Heather Shay
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...