The initial days

[Radhikaa]

The jinglings of anklets and beats of music would mesmerize me and generate pleasure sensations in my body. As a little boy, I used to love giving grand performances in front of my neighbours. It was all taken in a lighter vein.

Until the day my mom caught me at it when I was in my twenties. I dressed up in my mother’s saree, sindoor, and danglers. And of course, her shining bangles which she used to wear on Karwa Chauth. She was really mad at me. She took me to stand in front of the deity’s image in the puja room and asked me to pledge before God that I will not touch feminine stuff and never again act like her. But this precisely was my favourite pastime indeed – to copy my mother’s mannerisms.

Later, there was a gradual change in my body. I felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body, but I dared not discuss this with anyone. I was surrounded by insecurities. I was confused about what was happening to me and my body. 

The change in my emotions were in a roller coaster, from hiding in a closet to finally opening up to the world was a big jump. Peopke made deragatory remarks at me whenever they saw me, laughing at my back. Even while purchasing lingerie was a big deal the shopkeepers initially provided me whatever i asked but later when i started using the trial room even they started making remarks but i guess i will have to pay this very small price for living the life on my dreams. But i must say bikinis, brazillian wax and mini skirts are the way to live life full size.

[Carolyn Marie]

I love the Indian sense of style and love of music and dance, even though I'd probably never get the chance to wear those outfits, not to mention that I can't dance worth a damn.  I love your positive attitude, @Radhika.  Be who you feel inside, and be proud.  But also, please be safe.  There are many people killed in India for daring to be different, just as there are here.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[Radhikaa]

Thank you Carolyn.

Kisses and hugs for you.

[Diana Stone]

8 hours ago, Radhikaa said:

The jinglings of anklets and beats of music would mesmerize me and generate pleasure sensations in my body. As a little boy, I used to love giving grand performances in front of my neighbours. It was all taken in a lighter vein.

Until the day my mom caught me at it when I was in my twenties. I dressed up in my mother’s saree, sindoor, and danglers. And of course, her shining bangles which she used to wear on Karwa Chauth.

 I love to dance too. I can really see the appeal of it.  

[Maddee]

I wanted to be like my mom too😊

Lately, I act like her less. and look like her more.

 

Jangling is wonderful!

[Charlize]

I admire the fashions of Indian women.  I often pass an Indian clothing store near my home while shopping and wish i had enough knowledge to get a lovely outfit with jewelry.  Being able to live as ourselves,  to what extent possible, is often difficult because of the reactions of others.  At the same time it is so right for us!  As Carolyn Marie says: please be safe.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Vidanjali]

@Radhikaa I have been greatly inspired by Sri Ramakrishna. Are you familiar with him? He was a spiritual master and devotee of the Great Mother. There was a period of time during which he longed for the image of Krishna. He desired to be incarnated as a girl as he imagined himself as a devoted lover and wife of Sri Krishna. For a period of time, he dressed and adorned himself as a woman. 

 

From what you shared, I understand that you're not drawn to feminine expression as religious devotion. But it struck me as perhaps validating to share this with you in light of your mother's demand for you to repent before the diety. (Which diety, if I may ask?) In my opinion, that was 100% about her and 0% about God. I also thought you might be touched by this story of Ramakrishna's devotion to Sri Krishna given your name. 

[Ivy]

Welcome Radhikaa