Proud and heartbroken

[Mottled]

I'm the proud mom of an adult trans daughter who came out 2.5 years ago. She recently completed all of her paperwork; and is already looking more confident. 

 

I'm looking to chat about unreasonable fathers! My husband does not accept our daughter. It breaks my heart; I don't understand - his rejection puts a real strain on our marriage. I feel quite lost.  

[VickySGV]

I have a great deal of compassion for all three of you.  I belong to a Transgender Chorus, and while this link is not to our rendition of this song I think this gives a good portrayal of what is going on and how it can come out.   The title of the song is Not My Father's Son from the musical Kinky Boots.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA5uYnJ5e4

 

Your husband is angry because his "son" is not the image he dreamed of and it makes him feel like a failure and that he will be harshly judged because of how your child, now daughter is now.  Simply put, he needs to cry and see that he made some mistakes that can be put behind him without shame, and having put them behind can see that he always had a truly beautiful daughter.  He needs help to see this and to see that he can love your child/daughter the way he thought he loved a son, but that it was the idea of a son and not how life really is. He feels he has lost an important child and part of himself, but he can be loved and credited and honored with the life he gave your daughter so she could grow up and become herself.  I am older and had to wait for my father to pass away before I came out Trans, but I was not ever the son he dreamed of.  He was internationally recognized in a field of Civil Engineering, and was heavily an outdoors type.  I had been born with an out of control immune system and was not physically capable of being what he wanted me to be, and my brain just pure and simple could not do the mathematics or physical sciences he excelled at.  I knew his disappointment in that before I even knew about my gender issues which did not even have a name back then, 

You have handled your expectations that your daughter has not met by being your son, but it is not thought as shameful for a mother by most people, although there are some who feel that way about you I am sure.  You might look up the musical Carousel and the dreams of father who is killed before his daughter is born.  Your husband needs to be touched by this and supported as he does cry in all its forms. 

 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I think fathers in general have high expectations of their sons.  Even though my husband is straight and cis, his father has never been pleased with him.  My husband likes to joke that his father is stuck with him, since he didn't have brothers.  🙄 

 

But under that joke, I can sense a lot of pain.  My husband has completely out-achieved his father - 4 wives (plus me), a ton of kids, big house, a fleet of cars, a family business, a management career, military service, respected in the community...  He's achieved all of that by his mid-30's, at a time in life when his father hadn't even been married or owned a home.  Illogically, in spite of all those achievements, my husband feels that he doesn't measure up.  A father's criticism carries a lot of power, especially when that father continues to show up with that criticism into a person's adulthood. 

 

I've noticed that fathers tend to pass along stress and criticism because it was what they experienced themselves.  My husband recalls stories about his grandfather and great-grandfather, and he's very aware it has been a generational thing.  He's focused so hard on teaching his sons a different way, and I hope that he breaks the cycle.  My own father rejected me completely a few years ago - but since my brothers became adults in his image, I don't think he cares or misses me at all.  Since I started life as a girl, in a male-dominated family I think I was just easy to forget. 

 

In your family, I'm not sure what could change your husband's heart toward your daughter.  It could take years, or it might never happen.  Do you know what your husband's father is/was like?  Grandfather?   If there's a family pattern of difficult father-son relationships, things are less likely to change. 

[Heather Shay]

First let me thank you for your support of your child. That is THE most important thing in the world. I wish I could help your husband change his current position and personally going through the strain on my marriage of 30 years in regard to my transition, I can feel the pain you must feel and hope time and healing and circumstances bring your husband around.

Hugs

 

[Sally Stone]

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

I wish you and your daughter all the best.  Your support of her is to be commended.  Dads can be amazingly resilient, so don't give up on your husband yet.  Maybe, if he is willing to read about another father going through a very similar situation will help him.    

[Vidanjali]

On 11/28/2022 at 11:41 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

A father's criticism carries a lot of power... 

 

My own father rejected me completely a few years ago

 

Mine did too, many years ago now. It took years for me to even wrap my head around it. Familial expectations can be incredibly burdensome. 

 

On 11/29/2022 at 9:00 AM, Sally Stone said:

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

Yes! This is an excellent book. Not just an amazing and nuanced story, but the author educates the reader by providing lots of context. 

 

Episode 2 of season 6 of Queer Eye on Netflix is also inspiring as we see transwoman Angel Flores reconcile with her father. They are of a culture which values machismo, and yet are able to connect and rekindle their relationship, now as father and daughter.

https://latinitasmagazine.org/how-the-machismo-mindset-affected-queer-eyes-angel-flores-transition/

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransPulseForums Mottled,

 

As you can see from the previous responses, there are so many example of how to address your husband's position. I'm proud of you for seeking help as you support your daughter.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Delcina B]

Hi Mottled! Welcome! Thank you for being a supportive Mom! I think time is a wonderful healer at least in the way of acceptance. It took me over 45 years of self hate, denial & hiding to come to accept me & who I am. I hope it doesn't take your husband as long to see your daughter is the wonderful person she is.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

[Trans22]

Hi Mottled and welcome.  Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother.   Your words remind me of a documentary I watched where a father described his transgender child as the unicorn of children - it brought tears to my eyes.  My parents have struggled with my transition but at least they are trying.  For me, it was my mum who was the most resistant to my need to live authentically.  One day I got so frustrated, that I told her just how much her words and actions were hurting me.  I felt horrible afterwards, but she heard my pain and has started accepting her new daughter.  They still misgender me quite frequently, but I'm sure it's not intentional so I don't get upset by it.

[JennieDraegon]

Both of my parents support me. But my dad still misgenders me. I was his son for 45 years. But he still supports me. Do not be something you are not, but do not forget who you are. My outside is starting to match my inside self. I will not stop doing what makes me happy though. I enjoy building bikes and other things. I learned skills that were not seen as skills for girls. Times are changing. 

[Mottled]

On 11/28/2022 at 9:41 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I think fathers in general have high expectations of their sons.  Even though my husband is straight and cis, his father has never been pleased with him.  My husband likes to joke that his father is stuck with him, since he didn't have brothers.  🙄 

 

But under that joke, I can sense a lot of pain.  My husband has completely out-achieved his father - 4 wives (plus me), a ton of kids, big house, a fleet of cars, a family business, a management career, military service, respected in the community...  He's achieved all of that by his mid-30's, at a time in life when his father hadn't even been married or owned a home.  Illogically, in spite of all those achievements, my husband feels that he doesn't measure up.  A father's criticism carries a lot of power, especially when that father continues to show up with that criticism into a person's adulthood. 

 

I've noticed that fathers tend to pass along stress and criticism because it was what they experienced themselves.  My husband recalls stories about his grandfather and great-grandfather, and he's very aware it has been a generational thing.  He's focused so hard on teaching his sons a different way, and I hope that he breaks the cycle.  My own father rejected me completely a few years ago - but since my brothers became adults in his image, I don't think he cares or misses me at all.  Since I started life as a girl, in a male-dominated family I think I was just easy to forget. 

 

In your family, I'm not sure what could change your husband's heart toward your daughter.  It could take years, or it might never happen.  Do you know what your husband's father is/was like?  Grandfather?   If there's a family pattern of difficult father-son relationships, things are less likely to change. 

My husband's family seems full of difficult relationships. My mother-in-law had three strokes and was pretty cold.  My husband and his sisters are not in contact with two of their brothers. The sisters have tried to mend things with one brother that they were all 'close' to, but haven't been successful. I never met my father-in-law.

My husband does not express his feelings; although he has said he can't handle any more pain. (He himself suffers from chronic neuropathic pain, amongst other things). He's waiting for our daughter to make the first move towards reconciliation. Sigh!

[Mottled]

On 11/29/2022 at 7:00 AM, Sally Stone said:

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

I wish you and your daughter all the best.  Your support of her is to be commended.  Dads can be amazingly resilient, so don't give up on your husband yet.  Maybe, if he is willing to read about another father going through a very similar situation will help him.    

I will definitely read this. Thank you for your support.

[Mottled]

On 11/30/2022 at 9:32 AM, Vidanjali said:

 

Mine did too, many years ago now. It took years for me to even wrap my head around it. Familial expectations can be incredibly burdensome. 

 

 

Yes! This is an excellent book. Not just an amazing and nuanced story, but the author educates the reader by providing lots of context. 

 

Episode 2 of season 6 of Queer Eye on Netflix is also inspiring as we see transwoman Angel Flores reconcile with her father. They are of a culture which values machismo, and yet are able to connect and rekindle their relationship, now as father and daughter.

https://latinitasmagazine.org/how-the-machismo-mindset-affected-queer-eyes-angel-flores-transition/

Will do. Thanks.

[Mottled]

On 11/30/2022 at 6:53 PM, Delcina B said:

Hi Mottled! Welcome! Thank you for being a supportive Mom! I think time is a wonderful healer at least in the way of acceptance. It took me over 45 years of self hate, denial & hiding to come to accept me & who I am. I hope it doesn't take your husband as long to see your daughter is the wonderful person she is.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

Thank you for the reminder that time is a healer. I have to try to be patient. 

On 11/30/2022 at 9:51 AM, Mmindy said:

Welcome to TransPulseForums Mottled,

 

As you can see from the previous responses, there are so many example of how to address your husband's position. I'm proud of you for seeking help as you support your daughter.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋