Is that me?

[lillyinmn]

I am new here and don't know where to start, but I am curious how others have experienced something I noticed over the past couple days.

 

I recently added everything up: my past, my feelings and what is going on in my head to name a few factors, and I figured out that I am probably trans and that I have experienced gender dysphoria through much of my life.  I have been discussing it with a therapist and have been experimenting with new forms of gender expression (which I do not wish to call crossdressing, but ok, some would call it that).  That experimentation is about trying on and feeling a new identity.  

 

I have been accumulating a small number of things, and never before have I had everything I need to dress as a women--to the point where I might consider going out--if I were out.  This week I got a wig.  The attendant sent me home with the wrong one, but I love it and am thankful for her mistake!  Anyway, I put on my makeup, and my new wig and got dressed.  Then I took a bunch of photos in several combinations of the small number of pieces I have.

 

When I looked at the photos, I found myself thinking "I can't believe I bought a top with horizontal stripes!"  And "Yes that outfit needs a belt around the waist, but not that one." 

 

It felt so good to transform myself like that.  Then when I looked at the photos I also found myself thinking "is that me?"  For one thing, I look totally different from the first set of photos--and I think I am starting to figure out some styles I like.  

 

Then I look again and think "Is that me?  I think I like Lilly and her smile.  I might even want to strike up a conversation with her at a party.

 

Yet still I wonder "Is that me?"

 

Did others experience this at first?

 

---Lilly

[Trans22]

The change you are looking is related to a core aspect of your life.  I don't think any cisgender people could understand what people go through when they start questioning their gender.  During my journey toward full acceptance, there were many periods of questioning.  Living authentically and ensuring that HRT was affirming for me were critical components of my acceptance.  I couldn't be absolutely certain until I had sufficient experience.  The only point during my journey when I thought about turning back was when my soul mate implied that they would leave me if I didn't consider the situation they were in.  We came to mutual agreement on the pace of my transition (slowing down) and our relationship is better than ever now.

[Vidanjali]

Before I realized I'm trans, there was a long period of my life when I was on a mission to perform the gender I was assigned at birth (which was female) because I thought if I just committed and tried hard enough that I would be a "success" whatever that means. I would often stare at myself in the mirror, baffled at how anyone would be convinced I'm a normal woman. I never saw a woman when I looked in the mirror, I always felt like an imposter, and I was terrified that others would find out and condemn me. So, my "is that me" experience is like the flip side of what you're describing, @lillyinmn - I was never convinced that my gender-performing-self was really pulling it off. Now, I look in the mirror and begin to accept that I've always seen a dynamic, handsome face. And, it's baffling to me when others address me as ma'am.

 

As I write this, it's interesting to me that it seems my gender dysphoria apparently was more internalized than it is now. Any progress is better than none. 

 

And @Trans22 is quite right that cis people don't understand this. Yesterday, I was talking with a transwoman friend about cispeople's reactions to transgender identities. She suggested that part of why some cispeople get so upset about trans is because when they consider the existence of trans identities, they necessarily experience some degree of gender dysphoria themselves in the sense that they are forced to ponder gender at all whereas, as cispeople, they perhaps never did before. And they don't like it. And they don't consider that that discomfort could be a conduit to compassion for what many transpeople live with every day. Instead, they reject the discomfort and transpeople along with it. Sorry, I've gotten a bit off topic perhaps. My point is that gender euphoria and dysphoria can be useful guide posts in the pursuit of "is that me". 

[Trans22]

@Vidanjali  It would be interesting to have every adult complete a well-designed gender coordinates test - the right winger would no doubt reject the validity of the assessment because their results would scare them.  I did one such test  and my result was 35% on the masculine scale and 90% on the feminine scale, yet I still felt that trans-woman was the gender identity label that I associated with (I did consider non-binary).   I'm almost certain that my results would have varied over the course of my life, but I doubt that the masculine number ever come close to being dominant.

[Ivy]

On 12/17/2022 at 3:32 PM, lillyinmn said:

experimenting with new forms of gender expression (which I do not wish to call crossdressing, but ok, some would call it that)

It was after years of denial when I finally got the nerve to try this that I realize it.   I tried to call it cross-dressing, but that didn't last long.

On 12/17/2022 at 3:32 PM, lillyinmn said:

This week I got a wig.

This too.  I had been using all kinds of ways to cover my lack of hair.  But when I saw myself in my wig, it was like a new world had opened.  

[Vidanjali]

19 hours ago, Trans22 said:

@Vidanjali  It would be interesting to have every adult complete a well-designed gender coordinates test - the right winger would no doubt reject the validity of the assessment because their results would scare them.  I did one such test  and my result was 35% on the masculine scale and 90% on the feminine scale, yet I still felt that trans-woman was the gender identity label that I associated with (I did consider non-binary).   I'm almost certain that my results would have varied over the course of my life, but I doubt that the masculine number ever come close to being dominant.

 

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory. As I understand the scoring, each category, feminine and masculine, is ranked from 1-7. If an individual sores above the mean of 4 for both categories, they are considered androgynous according to the assessment. The results can be presented as percentages for each category and are not considered as a total percentage. 

 

My score for feminine was within the mean, and my score for masculine was "high". This assessment ranked me overall as "casually masculine". Such assessments are not to be construed as perfectly accurate or indelible. Indeed, we are continually learning about gender, and the understanding of so-called gender roles and characteristics are ever-evolving, myriad, and nuanced. I do feel my personality is rather in accord with my result, though. 

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/test.php

[Davie]

35 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

 

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory. As I understand the scoring, each category, feminine and masculine, is ranked from 1-7. If an individual sores above the mean of 4 for both categories, they are considered androgynous according to the assessment. The results can be presented as percentages for each category and are not considered as a total percentage. 

 

My score for feminine was within the mean, and my score for masculine was "high". This assessment ranked me overall as "casually masculine". Such assessments are not to be construed as perfectly accurate or indelible. Indeed, we are continually learning about gender, and the understanding of so-called gender roles and characteristics are ever-evolving, myriad, and nuanced. I do feel my personality is rather in accord with my result, though. 

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/test.php

Thanks @Vidanjali I'll check out the test. For me it's good tp pay attention to the inner mind on these things. And be open to the world, too. I've still got a lot to learn. Finally, I can walk again. Walk and breathe and "be." Happy for that.  

[Trans22]

I tried this one @Vidanjali, and got similar scores to my "gender coordinates map" result.  I took an "insta-answer" approach to try to avoid my gaming the test (finished in under 20s).

I have the same problem with Myers-Briggs personality tests (part of coaching sessions) - my first result came back as INTP, (low E, S, & J scores with T & F scores very close).  In the subsequent two tests (different coach and questions) I've get a score of 0 for E, S, & J and identical scores for T & F - a little suspicious, I might have gamed them.  As a result, I tend to trust the first score in situations like these.

[Mmindy]

5 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory.

I got similar results.

 

[Davie]

Meh. Not thrilled with the test. The wording is too vague, and I'm certainly NOT a Casually Vague person. I mean there's no way I'm any amount of feminine under about 72.3%! 😆

To consider the whole gender idea is not science, but it is a good idea for self-knowledge.

 

Here's my results:

This makes me Casually Feminine.

[Jackie C.]

Huh, well this should shock absolutely nobody. I got "typically feminine."

 

 

Hugs!

[Ivy]

My results - which I didn't save - were similar.

[Davie]

@Jackie C.OK for the numbers from the test, but I would never settle for being called "typical." Ain't that right?

— Davie

[Vidanjali]

"casually masculine" as I doff my cap and wryly arch an eyebrow. 

 

[Vidanjali]

18 hours ago, Trans22 said:

I tried this one @Vidanjali, and got similar scores to my "gender coordinates map" result.  I took an "insta-answer" approach to try to avoid my gaming the test (finished in under 20s).

I have the same problem with Myers-Briggs personality tests (part of coaching sessions) - my first result came back as INTP, (low E, S, & J scores with T & F scores very close).  In the subsequent two tests (different coach and questions) I've get a score of 0 for E, S, & J and identical scores for T & F - a little suspicious, I might have gamed them.  As a result, I tend to trust the first score in situations like these.

 

I totally get what you mean by gaming it. For that reason I try to answer such questions gut instinct style without pondering too much, but I try to catch myself on any tendency to answer in a wishful thinking manner. It's not as straightforward to answer questions honestly as one may at first think. 

 

Just for fun, I re-took the test twice to see if I could game extreme results. First, I tried to get "extremely masculine", which I did, with an interesting result of 94% masc & 6% femme - interesting as those coincidentally do total 100%. I think I blew it on the "moody" question - in my experience I've found men to be far moodier than women, lol. Then, I succeeded in scoring "extremely feminine" with 0% masc, but only 89% femme. 

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, Davie said:

@Jackie C.OK for the numbers from the test, but I would never settle for being called "typical." Ain't that right?

— Davie

 

OK, fair. I mean, I'm not a typical anything.

 

Hugs!

[Trans22]

3 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Just for fun, I re-took the test twice to see if I could game extreme results.

These sort of tests are fun to play with.  Out of interest (is it binary gender biased?), I wondered whether I could get undifferentiated or androgynous - it turns out I got both in my attempt "This makes you Undifferentiated-Androgynous" (no typically or casually adjective).

[Vidanjali]

2 hours ago, Trans22 said:

These sort of tests are fun to play with.  Out of interest (is it binary gender biased?), I wondered whether I could get undifferentiated or androgynous - it turns out I got both in my attempt "This makes you Undifferentiated-Androgynous" (no typically or casually adjective).

 

Nice. Indeed, from the little I read, it was Dr. Bem's thesis that androgyneity (gender diversity, nonconformance and fluidity) is not only valid but not necessarily uncommon. She was a pioneer in gender studies and champion for women's equality. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandra_Bem

[KayC]

Hi @lillyinmn!

Welcome and CONGRATULATIONS on your journey in Self-discovery and Self-acceptance.  It sounds so much like my own experiences at the beginning (and I still have along ways to go). 

Thank you for sharing!  I truly enjoyed reading your post and reliving my own excitement and wonder in finally seeing myself as the person I feel that I am.  Keep going, Girl❣️

[lillyinmn]

On 12/24/2022 at 6:47 AM, KayC said:

Welcome and CONGRATULATIONS on your journey in Self-discovery and Self-acceptance.  It sounds so much like my own experiences at the beginning (and I still have along ways to go)

Thank you Kay!  It is wonderful to have a place where we can safely share your experiences and find ways to be ourselves!

 

[LucyF]

Ok. So just saw this thread and thought I'd take the test as I was having doubts today.

 

Here are my results:

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/14/86/vertical-chart.png

[LucyF]

 

With picture this time lol

[Vidanjali]

13 hours ago, LillyF said:

 

With picture this time lol

 

Yes, this is a fun thread which I hadn't thought of in a while. Thanks for resurfacing it 😉

[MaeBe]

I just saw this test the other day and retook it for fun just now. If I’m honest with how my personality has changed, using “now me” answers I get 33/58. I am surprised daily how much I have changed in the past year and I haven’t started any kind of hormone treatment. I had a conversation with my wife today that, in years past, I’d have gotten really protective and blustery  during. Today I just listened and appreciated. It sounds like I was a total jerk before, I don’t think I was; I was more prototypically overprotective wanted to “fix it”.

 

Bodies and minds are wondrous things. 

[Davie]

7 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Today I just listened and appreciated. It sounds like I was a total jerk before, I don’t think I was; I was more prototypically overprotective wanted to “fix it”.

Yep. Sounds like me, too. Change is good for adding a perspective. We have two eyes for a good reason, I suppose. —Davie