Coming but, but feeling low and depressed

[Emma De]

I will keep this short as I am curious how others felt after coming out.

I came out to my parents recently. They took it well, I think. They talked a lot from their perspective about when I was young and how, in hindsight perhaps it was obvious. 

 

Now I am home alone and don't know what to do.

I am exhausted and in a void now. I don't know where I want to go next and I feel lost.

Do I have to keep going back and opening communication as they have been very quiet since I came home. 

I guess I have to just push on and find how I want to move forward from here. The door has been opened, I just have to be brave again and move through it.

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on coming out to your parents!

 

Now, you need to figure out where "forward" is from here.  For that, you may find talking to a gender therapist is helpful. 

 

When obstacles (like coming out to parents) loom in front of us, it is normal to focus on that one obstacle, to the exclusion of the big picture.  Take the time to assess what your personal priorities and goals are, and then start to move towards them.

[Charlize]

As i came out and accepted myself as well as the reactions of others each day seemed a challenge.  I'll never forget some time cafterv going full time a car came down the drive into the farm.  As i heard the crunch of gravel it was all i could do to not run into the barn.  Instead i made a sale and continued.  Time has removed those hurdles as it will for you.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Vidanjali]

Congratulations on coming out to your parents. From the brief bit you shared, sounds like it went well. 

 

With any emotional build up - anticipating coming out is a major example - there is an inevitable anti-climax. If you like to read, I recommend something by Brené Brown who is a leading scholar on vulnerability (she also has a TED talk and other videos). She writes about the "vulnerability hangover" which describes that emotional anti-climax perfectly. One must be ultra vulnerable to come out. Even when it goes well, one can experience such a "hangover". Learning that this is not uncommon can be soothing. Try not to analyze it. Just take care of yourself. Treat yourself like you just accomplished a major physical feat, like summiting a mountain peak. There's a sense of accomplishment and progress there, but also exhaustion. Be gentle with yourself and allow time to recover. Keep in mind it's not unusual for a lot of intense and sometimes negative emotion to come up when you open yourself up like that. As for your parents, they are most likely going about their business and thinking much less about your revelation than you are. Not because they don't care, but because each person is always more involved in their own immediate stuff. Also, a gender therapist can help you process the emotions and guide you regarding your anticipated next interactions. Keep sharing here in the meantime. We understand. 

[Emma De]

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

Congratulations on coming out to your parents!

 

Now, you need to figure out where "forward" is from here.  For that, you may find talking to a gender therapist is helpful. 

 

When obstacles (like coming out to parents) loom in front of us, it is normal to focus on that one obstacle, to the exclusion of the big picture.  Take the time to assess what your personal priorities and goals are, and then start to move towards them.

Thank you. I know the long term, but week to week, day to day. Even hour to hour seems impossible. I am looking to be swept along by life, but can't engage yet.
I think I was so focused on telling them that I hadn't really thought beyond that.

[Emma De]

2 hours ago, Charlize said:

As i came out and accepted myself as well as the reactions of others each day seemed a challenge.  I'll never forget some time cafterv going full time a car came down the drive into the farm.  As i heard the crunch of gravel it was all i could do to not run into the barn.  Instead i made a sale and continued.  Time has removed those hurdles as it will for you.

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Thank you, I am struggling to see going full time as you put it. I just know who I am and need that. Other challenges in my life are even bigger than this at the moment, but I had to keep things moving by telling my parents. I still look at those who travelled this path before me in awe. I don't know where the strength comes from and if I am equal to it. One step at a time. The journey is key and there is no destination, I keep telling myself.

[Mmindy]

52 minutes ago, Emma De said:

I still look at those who travelled this path before me in awe. I don't know where the strength comes from and if I am equal to it. One step at a time. The journey is key and there is no destination, I keep telling myself.

Happy New Year Emma,

 

Like you, I'm in awe of those who have gone further than I have to-date. Everyone who has commented brings up important parts of coming out, and I agree with them. For me coming out was met with hate and evil vindictive comments from my wife. She immediately outed me to our grown children and their spouses. That was two years ago, we're still together. To my wife's surprise, our grown children and their spouses have accepted me. Our children even look back at some of our life experiences, and say: "Oh Yeah... That makes since now." So my advice on coming out is liberating, and allows for us to have open, honest conversation. I'm so happy that your parents have taken it so well, and hope you continue to feel their love for you as you.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Robin]

Hi Emma,

 

I remember experiencing similar feelings.  I had a great sense that I must tell certain people in order to make it seem real, and not just something that was going round and round in my head.  After I had told people, there was the feeling that I must do something to show that I was serious.

 

The reality is that you don't actually have to do anything, unless you want to, and if you do there is no set time scale.

 

As other people here have said, don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 

Robin.

[Emma De]

21 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Happy New Year Emma,

 

Like you, I'm in awe of those who have gone further than I have to-date. Everyone who has commented brings up important parts of coming out, and I agree with them. For me coming out was met with hate and evil vindictive comments from my wife. She immediately outed me to our grown children and their spouses. That was two years ago, we're still together. To my wife's surprise, our grown children and their spouses have accepted me. Our children even look back at some of our life experiences, and say: "Oh Yeah... That makes since now." So my advice on coming out is liberating, and allows for us to have open, honest conversation. I'm so happy that your parents have taken it so well, and hope you continue to feel their love for you as you.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

@Mmindy Many thanks and best wishes to you. Open and honest conversations without any hidden double meanings from me are going to be great. I think they are in shock and coming to terms with it as well. I guess maintaining conversations and regular contact will be vital over the coming weeks and months. Best wishes, Emma

[Emma De]

21 hours ago, Robin said:

Hi Emma,

 

I remember experiencing similar feelings.  I had a great sense that I must tell certain people in order to make it seem real, and not just something that was going round and round in my head.  After I had told people, there was the feeling that I must do something to show that I was serious.

 

The reality is that you don't actually have to do anything, unless you want to, and if you do there is no set time scale.

 

As other people here have said, don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 

Robin.

@Robin That makes complete sense and focuses on those little steps and what has to be done. I am really struggling with pressure at the moment. The funny things is part of the need was to reduce the pressure of them not knowing the truth. I will ride this wave with care. Thank you for your words they really do help.

Best wishes,

Emma

[Emma De]

On 1/2/2023 at 1:57 PM, Vidanjali said:

Congratulations on coming out to your parents. From the brief bit you shared, sounds like it went well. 

 

With any emotional build up - anticipating coming out is a major example - there is an inevitable anti-climax. If you like to read, I recommend something by Brené Brown who is a leading scholar on vulnerability (she also has a TED talk and other videos). She writes about the "vulnerability hangover" which describes that emotional anti-climax perfectly. One must be ultra vulnerable to come out. Even when it goes well, one can experience such a "hangover". Learning that this is not uncommon can be soothing. Try not to analyze it. Just take care of yourself. Treat yourself like you just accomplished a major physical feat, like summiting a mountain peak. There's a sense of accomplishment and progress there, but also exhaustion. Be gentle with yourself and allow time to recover. Keep in mind it's not unusual for a lot of intense and sometimes negative emotion to come up when you open yourself up like that. As for your parents, they are most likely going about their business and thinking much less about your revelation than you are. Not because they don't care, but because each person is always more involved in their own immediate stuff. Also, a gender therapist can help you process the emotions and guide you regarding your anticipated next interactions. Keep sharing here in the meantime. We understand. 

What a great recommendation. The power of Vulnerability TEDx Houston by Brené Brown is 20 minutes well spent. Thank you for this @Vidanjali

[Emma De]

Permission to be me and to try and live as me. I knew that's what I want and need all my life, but am still trying to be brave enough to do it. Little steps and keep my family and love engaged. I will focus on today and live for today. Until I have the strength to do more. I have waited many many years already so what is another few between friends?

[VickySGV]

51 minutes ago, Emma De said:

but am still trying to be brave enough to do it.

 

It is a pity that we have to think we need bravery to be ourselves, and over 15 years into my life here, I often have to tell people that if they would just <bad word> accept me as I come to them I would not need the bravery, courage, blah blah blah.  You are who you are no matter where you go.  I read it that your folks have accepted you and so your Transness is old newspaper fit for the Fish & Chips Shop  to wrap takeout orders in, and not really a needed conversation.  It is nice if they tell you they love you and give you a hug, but if they are truly accepting, go on and speak of things a daughter would as a daughter which is what you are.  How you dress in public counts less than how you interact with neighbors and acquaintances as far as being a happy and unique individual.  Cheerful dignity is more of a thing, than lipstick or fluffy hair to showing who you are, and that you can do as soon as you quit reading the little I have to say here.  It was scary and daunting to do some things I had been forbidden to do before in my life, but they become so wonderful.  Do NOW.

[Emma De]

1 hour ago, VickySGV said:

 

It is a pity that we have to think we need bravery to be ourselves, and over 15 years into my life here, I often have to tell people that if they would just <bad word> accept me as I come to them I would not need the bravery, courage, blah blah blah.  You are who you are no matter where you go.  I read it that your folks have accepted you and so your Transness is old newspaper fit for the Fish & Chips Shop  to wrap takeout orders in, and not really a needed conversation.  It is nice if they tell you they love you and give you a hug, but if they are truly accepting, go on and speak of things a daughter would as a daughter which is what you are.  How you dress in public counts less than how you interact with neighbors and acquaintances as far as being a happy and unique individual.  Cheerful dignity is more of a thing, than lipstick or fluffy hair to showing who you are, and that you can do as soon as you quit reading the little I have to say here.  It was scary and daunting to do some things I had been forbidden to do before in my life, but they become so wonderful.  Do NOW.

Thank you @VickySGV I agree with so much, actually all you say.

Work and professional life is another step.

For me it is the other challenges in my life that slow me down. Even my GP asked if I wanted to take on the additional challenge of transitioning with everything else I am facing. I believe they said this with my wider medical and mental interests in mind. I had to agree that it may be too much. I therefore agree that I can live as me inside and with those I love. The children can hear more later. I can be the true me with how I treat people, in fact I believe I always have. I am gradually changing my approach and thinking to be me. This questioning and thinking is helping me be me and that is what maters. Live as me, the fun and silly feminine side which I live at home can be given a greater side later. 

Being brave, well society is changing but... I love your Cheerful dignity, I will have a try at that. Thank you.