Major unease about pregnancy, but wish of having a child

[Nadege]

Hi everyone,

First of all, I'm French, so please excuse my flawed English, I will do my best.

Let's start with a bit of context : I am 31, and I have been assigned female at birth. I have always been kind of a "tomboy" as a child, but as I like boys I never gave my gender identity a great deal of thinking until a couple years ago, when the gender fluidity topic took more space in the public debate.
It triggered me and I thought it through for months, then years, start to discuss it with others, and I definitely do not identify as a woman (nor a man), which I guess makes me non-binary (even if I am not perfectly educated on the subject, so I hope I don't mess with any terms). I am in a relationship with a cis man for 12 years now, he's 32.

The thing is, we would like to start a family together. I am very close with my family, I would love to have one too, and so does my partner. We want to start this project, but the thing is, I am not at all comfortable with the idea of getting pregnant. As I do not see myself as a woman, I never pictured me pregnant, or giving birth, because all of it is very associated to the female gender for me. I never wanted or desired it the way some other people seem to do. The idea of myself pregnant is very odd and disturbing to me.
So here I am with my questions : should I force myself in this situation (assuming that I can have children), for the sake of having a family ? Would it be bad or worth it in the end ? Would the regret of not having a family be worse ? Adoption would be the ideal for me but it is a long and very unsure journey in France (a lot more wishing-to-adopt parents than "adoptable" children), and surrogates are illegal. 
Thanks in advance if you took the time to read

[Astrid]

34 minutes ago, Nadege said:

Adoption would be the ideal for me but it is a long and very unsure journey in France (a lot more wishing-to-adopt parents than "adoptable" children), and surrogates are illegal. 

 

A pleasure to meet you, @Nadege!  Your English is outstanding 🙂.  I, too, identify as in-the-middle and non-binary. One potentially positive remark about a long adoption process -- that may mean that you, as parents, can have saved more money by being in your late 30s or even early 40s, and that can help with raising your child(ren).

 

My spouse and I were in our 40s at the birth of our daughter, and that gave us the advantage of ensuring that her education was debt-free (many here in the USA have accumulated large student debts that continue on for years).  

 

50 minutes ago, Nadege said:

Would it be bad or worth it in the end ?

 

For me, for us, having a child was a life-changing experience for the better.  We have so many wonderful memories and it gave us the opportunity for unconditional love.  Even though our daughter now lives and works in far away China, we keep in regular communication and remain close.  For us, it was the best decision ever!

 

Best of luck as you work through this important question.  

 

With hugs and best wishes,

 

Astrid

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Nadege said:

should I force myself in this situation (assuming that I can have children), for the sake of having a family ? Would it be bad or worth it in the end ? Would the regret of not having a family be worse ? Adoption would be the ideal for me but it is a long and very unsure journey in France (a lot more wishing-to-adopt parents than "adoptable" children), and surrogates are illegal. 

Great question and thought provoking. 
Myself being AMAB, pretended to be pregnant as a young child when my mother was pregnant with my baby sister and brother. My family thought it was cute when I was 8 years old, and again when I was 10 years old, however my mom said it would not be acceptable for others to find out how I felt. I loved nurturing my younger siblings and anything that could be considered caring for them. When my Aunts had children I would always dote over my infant cousins. It wasn’t until my wife gave birth that I realized a deeper level of love for our baby. It was repeated when our second baby was born 3 years later. My entire family has always called me a baby whisperer, because I can calm the most upset baby when given a chance. When our grandchildren were being born. I was once again able to enjoy the love of nurturing babies. So in my opinion it will be totally worth putting yourself through it. I also agree that your waiting should have you and your partner in a better place financially and emotionally to really enjoy parenthood. As for adoption, one of my nieces had to go that route to become a parent, and I don’t think there’s a more loving mother than her. I also have a couple of young friends who just received their baby girl through adoption. Either way I pray for you, and your partner to be happy loving parents no matter which path you take. 
 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @Nadege.  Nice to meet you.

 

I see in your post that your partner is of a like mind about starting a family.  That is good. 

 

But I don't see anywhere anything about how your partner feels about your non-binary identity.  Have you discussed it with him?  Is he supportive?  If you have not yet discussed it with him, it seems to me that that is a necessary place to start.  It is something he will need to understand before he can understand your fear of pregnancy.

[Nadege]

Hey Astrid, Mmindy and KathyLauren,

Thank you all for answering to me  All of your feedbacks were really helpful.

Astrid, it really helps me to move forward with this project more wisely to hear about others' experience like yours. It is true that having a child/children later have advantages too. I think that I mostly feel kind of a pressure with that matter now, because some people around me (grandmother, step-mother etc) are (kindly) from time to time asking questions to me about that, remembering me in a way that if we chose the path of a biological child, the clock is starting to tick. 
 

Mmindy, it really is interesting to hear your point of view, which is kind of the reverse situation of mine. I never was into babies or kids, I never pretended to have one or acted like a mom in games as a child. I had my first real connexion with a baby about two years ago when my little sister gave birth to my nephew, whom I adore and can not have enough of. I know I am capable of loving and caring though, I do it with all my heart with my boyfriend and my dog and I love to. Thank you so much for your prayers 🙏

KathyLauren, that is a fair question, and the reason why I took a couple days to answer. I indeed mentioned it a couple times before, mostly in group talks/debates about gender. He mostly had one question, it was if it meant that I wanted to change my body in some way, which is not the case. Once I told him that, he was like "Okay so that's fine by me", but I am not sure that he truly understands what it means to me. We talked about that again today, and he told me that what he understands of it is that I do not identify like the stereotypical "girl" in a patriarcal society vision : a person who likes dresses and pink and shopping, and the traditional role attached to it (get married, stay home, do the house chores etc). 

But it is deeper as I can see now with the pregnancy topic. I tried to explain a bit more but it is not an easy thing to do. I can feel that he wants to be supportive and to understand, but he is a bit lost, he told me he is afraid to not being able to be helpful because he "does not know anything about it" (the non-binary issues). He told me he wants to try to educate himself though, which I appreciate. 

Do you have any resource you would recommend to a relative of a non-binary person, to help them understand the situation better ? 

Thanks again in advance ! 

 

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Nadege said:

Do you have any resource you would recommend to a relative of a non-binary person, to help them understand the situation better ? 

 

Here's a recent book I like a lot on being non-binary:

 

Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker

Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond, and In-Between

 

It isn't very expensive, and is available in both electronic and printed editions.

 

For online resources, I recommend Dr. Z's videos on non-binary topics:

 

https://www.youtube.com/@DRZPHD/search?query=non-binary

 

With best wishes!

 

Astrid

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Nadege  Unease about pregnancy is common.  My GF was about your age when she had her first.  She identifies as female, but is very tomboyish.  She likes cars, guns, heavy metal music...you get the picture.  She's never worn a skirt or a dress, even on her wedding day.  She was very scared that she would have no motherly instinct, might have a hard time bonding with a baby, and hated the thought of her body changing during pregnancy. 

 

She's had 5 kids now from 4 pregnancies.  Aside from a few stretch marks, her body wasn't permanently changed.  And she really enjoys being a mother....her babies spend time with her in her garage while she works on her cars, or at her rental houses where she's fixing plumbing and doing drywall repairs. 

 

Hormones seem to change pre-pregnancy fears.  Pregnancy might not be as difficult for you as you think right now.  If you and your partner want to have a family, you might be happy with that choice.

 

I was born intersex, presenting as female.  I don't feel very female, but I've thought of having children.  Perhaps I thought that having a baby would fix my "broken" female nature and give me a defined gender.  I tried to get pregnant for a long time, but the doctors told me that it wasn't possible naturally, and might not be a good idea since my body is a bit different.  I've stayed happy helping my partners with their children, so I don't feel like I'm missing out. 

 

Whatever you choose, I think you'll find happiness.