I'm pretty sure I'm Agender

[ConfusedKitty]

I guess I just don't know what to do with the info I've collected. I'm 40. I've got a toddler and a husband. I'm kind of tired with everything. Sorry for the long post, I've just got a lot of pent up frustration and nobody to vent to. 

 

Anyway, I've always been pretty small-chested, and I was really insecure about it all my life. I guess part of it, in retrospect, is that I felt like my body was not feminine enough, and that if I had a body type more accepted by mainstream North American cultural trends, I'd feel more like a woman. I'm tall and slender, muscular but not in a bulky way... pretty much built like a dancer. So I never felt masculine, either. I hated feminine clothing because I didn't feel good in it. I hated modern masculine clothing because I find most of it to be, quite frankly, boring. Plus, I never identified as male. I never really identified as anything.

 

I also went through a really insecure phase post-childbirth (I hated every moment of being pregnant) where I felt like I needed to be ultra-feminine, like I thought I was even more inadequate than before and it would make my husband happier or something? Except he doesn't care. At all. It really just came down to me and my insecurities. And I was never happy with my appearance, ever. Me in makeup and girly clothing doesn't look bad or anything, and I'm not bad with makeup by any means, and I even like to wear it sometimes, but I also just... don't always feel comfortable in it. I feel weird. Too often, it feels like a mask, like I'm trying to fool people into thinking I'm something I'm not. Also, my chest ballooned up to a cartoonishly large size after being an A cup my whole life, and I discovered that I absolutely hated it. Thank goodness they went back down to their normal size. I still hate my stomach because I've got muscle separation, so a permanent post-pregnancy paunch. I'm putting a deposit down on a tummy tuck next week because I can't handle looking at it any more. It's just a constant reminder, you know?

 

I've got a closet full of gorgeous feminine clothing, and I am not comfortable in a shred of it. So finally, out of a sense of frustration, I asked my husband to pick out stuff he likes. He brought back a bunch of athleisure, like leggings and zip tops and stuff, stuff I actually felt fine and comfortable in. I'd never really considered athleisure, it was never really my style, but it also dialed the dysphoria down to manageable levels. I had to get my hair cut for reasons (long story) and I picked out a LGBTQ+ friendly stylist who cut the most androgynous hair cut you could ever ask for. Like I'd been waiting my whole life to get this hair cut. Also perfect for wearing a wig on days where I do want to look very feminine, for whatever reason.

 

I realized that if I looked in the mirror and saw myself with the body I always thought I'd wanted (because I felt so inadequate while trying to be a woman) I would not feel comfortable at all. I'd probably have a meltdown over it now. But I also obviously don't want to be a man... I don't want to be anything. The body I actually want is not the ideal of mainstream media at all. 

 

Anyway, the other day, my husband brought home some stuff from his latest shopping spree, and one of them was a body suit with a "firm control" type top. Like not explicitly for trans people, but something someone might buy if they can't buy an actual binder for whatever reason. I put it on, and a pair of leggings he also got, and looked in the mirror, and it was magical. I finally felt okay with myself and my silhouette. I wore it out, and I felt good! When I got home, I immediately ordered two binders. No packers, because I'm fine with what I've got down there and don't explicitly desire a penis. 

 

Anyway, I remembered one of my friends' coming out posts (as nonbinary, a little different in their way of expressing it) and it clicked for me. I felt stupid... almost all of my friends are trans and non-binary. And most of the cis ones are at least gay! And I honestly suspect that my husband is somewhere in that spectrum, too, but I'm not comfortable asking him about it right now. And I'm not out to him. The only people who know are that nonbinary friend of mine, and my brother who is confused but supportive. But I really don't think my husband bringing the body suit home was a complete accident, to be honest. All of the fictional characters I idolize are pretty much genderless or genderfluid. Same with the Instagram models I'm obsessed with. When I dream at night, I'm everything from a man to a woman to a genderless ball of light with feelings.

 

But it's like... what do I do with all of this information? Coming out publicly feels... stupid? Nothing will change. I don't care about my pronouns, you could call me anything under the sun and I really would not care, so people would just carry on calling me "she" and it wouldn't matter much. My mom is very supportive of my trans friends but doesn't really "get" stuff that's nonbinary. My chest has always been small... who's going to notice a binder? If I wear a three piece suit while sporting a glam makeup look and masculine hair (which I daydream about), who's really going to care? And I'm not invested in the idea of top surgery, because what I've already got is so minimal. When people look at me, their brain is going to default to "female" or occasionally "male" (I'm called sir pretty often) but never what I actually want. My friend jokes that their gender is "yes", but really I feel like my own gender is "no". How do you affirm a gender that just... isn't?

 

If you got this far, thanks for reading all of this.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Kitty.  Welcome!

 

It sounds to me like your husband will not be surprised if you tell him how you feel.  So perhaps the place to start might be to talk to him.

 

After that, I would suggest talking to a gender therapist.  They will be able to help you get clarity on how you identify and where you want to go from here.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Charlize]

I know several people who were assigned female and never felt totally comfortable with societies norms and use they, them as pronouns.  You are certainly not alone in your feelings.  Your husband certainly sounds supportive.  A GT might help accept yourself if you feel you need it but otherwise it sounds you are finding a path to comfort with yourself.  Enjoy the journey.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ConfusedKitty]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, Kitty.  Welcome!

 

It sounds to me like your husband will not be surprised if you tell him how you feel.  So perhaps the place to start might be to talk to him.

 

After that, I would suggest talking to a gender therapist.  They will be able to help you get clarity on how you identify and where you want to go from here.

 

Regards,

Kathy

 

Thank you. My current therapist also deals with gender issues (I didn't pick her out by accident) so I plan on bringing it up at my next session. I doubt she'll be surprised. I think you're right, and my husband is supporting me as best he can without making me uncomfortable. I doubt he'd be surprised, either. My nonbinary friend wasn't surprised, just glad that I was comfortable approaching them. 

[ConfusedKitty]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

I know several people who were assigned female and never felt totally comfortable with societies norms and use they, them as pronouns.  You are certainly not alone in your feelings.  Your husband certainly sounds supportive.  A GT might help accept yourself if you feel you need it but otherwise it sounds you are finding a path to comfort with yourself.  Enjoy the journey.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Thank you, my current therapist also handles gender issues, so at least I've got that covered. I spent a long time going over pronouns in my head, and the terrible feeling is that none of them really feel right, even they/them or neo pronouns. I'm sure a GT can help me work out why, though, although I suspect it's that anything even gender-adjacent in reference to myself is irritating to me just because this is so fresh. I guess there's no way around that, with the way that the languages I know are constructed.