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I Have No Obligation Except To Me In A H8 Situation


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I was in a situation earlier today where I was overhearing a Homo/Transphobic rant from one person to another who disagreed with him .  The phobic one turned to me, yes ME!!" and asked if I agreed with him.  I simply told him NO. He asked me why I could disagree with his position and I told him flat out that I was under no obligation to do so.  He could not let that one go!! So I told him a very slight untruth , that the answer was a course I teach on the subject would cost him $75 per hour with two hour minimum up front.  He decided not to pay the money for the educational experience. { I usually ask for a $50 per hour payable to my LGBTQ Center which was the fib. }  He did not "read" or "clock" me as Trans, but he got away from me as soon as he could.  The person who had been talking to him gave me a big grin and waved as he followed Mr. H8 out the door.  No sign he had made me as Trans either, but by now I don't care unless it puts me in danger as I was first alert to if I answered Mr H8.  I have NO OBLIGATION to instruct people who do not want to listen, I just do not.  I love setting boundaries.


The main point really for telling this (which has happened a few times before where I did not use the teaching fee statement) is that when we are out as our best selves and are comfortable and dignified, although pleasant in that self, we are not going to be really seen as Trans even by those who are avowed H8ers.  This guy had a cartoonish idea of what LGBT people looked like, and I was pretty sure he had half a T-byte of CD Fetish Porn and did not know he was looking at a bona fide Trans woman.  As I told him, I am not under any obligation to teach him for free when he has paid so much (porn is not cheap) for misinformation.  If we hold our dignity and act assured in public there are few that will have a problem with us at all.  I have been out 12 years by now and while careful about where I go within reason it is ordinary caution for women in general that I follow.  I do give Trans 101 lectures and have fun doing it but the people I do it for WANT to learn about us and not call us names.  The information I give is based on Five Sense Science with enough sensitivity for close held beliefs of my students that I can overcome those as needed.  But even there I do set boundaries and stay in them myself.


NOTE:  Cross Dressing per se is not a problem for mental health.  What is a problem is the Fetishistic Cross Dressing folks who do it ONLY for erotic thrills in private, and who use some items that are potentially harmful.  Those are listed in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of the American Psychological and American Psychiatric Association as off the boards.  Porn for FCD will come up at the top of search engine lists and real research on Cross Dressing is hard to find for Cis people who want to do serious searching.

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2 hours ago, VickySGV said:

The phobic one turned to me, yes ME!!" and asked if I agreed with him.  I simply told him NO. He asked me why I could disagree with his position and I told him flat out that I was under no obligation to do so.

Great response Vicky…especially given the fact that you weren’t expecting the question in the first place. You could’ve easily got caught up in the moment and flew off the handle. You were calm and concise and answered his question. I’m glad you were there to diffuse this situation and I’m sure the person you defended was happy about it as well.


2 hours ago, VickySGV said:

Cross Dressing per se is not a problem for mental health.  What is a problem is the Fetishistic Cross Dressing folks who do it ONLY for erotic thrills in private

This has always been an interesting topic to me though a very complicated one. When I first started crossdressing as a very young child, I was not doing it for any Fetish related reason. I seriously wanted to be a girl and it felt right. Wearing my sister’s clothes and acting girly was comforting. As I hit puberty, the waters got muddied a bit because of the euphoria I felt when crossdressing. Why I cross dressed was no longer as clear to me. After hearing my parents express their disgust with people of a certain proclivity (directly and indirectly), I‘d often feel dirty and shamed which led to a purging episode. After eventually learning the meaning of the word “fetish”, I felt maybe I was a crossdresser who did it for that very reason. Over the years however, I feel for me the crossdressing was a symptom of being forced to express and present myself as a male when inside I knew I was female. What’s caused me to believe even more strongly my crossdressing was a symptom of an unaddressed issue is the fact that I no longer have that strong almost uncontrollable feeling of urgency and need of anything as I once did prior to transition. The persistent thoughts of needing to change presentation no longer surface. I don’t carry any of that unwanted baggage because the issue has finally been addressed properly.


So is it possible others feeling their crossdressing is erotic fetish are experiencing  an unaddressed or unacknowledged gender identity issue that manifests itself in a repetitive cycle?


Susan R🌷


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@VickySGV that's great & I will store that away in my arsenal. I'm a former mathematics prof and as an activist and devotee of Truth, I often feel an obligation to speak out in such situations. But, it can be fatiguing, to say the least. Especially when you understand there's probably no getting through to someone. And, there's a whole miasma of anxiety that can come up when I think about the often asked question/s - Am I beholden to necessarily be a trans activist just bc I'm trans (whether or not someone clocks me)? / Who else will step up? 


But, if I'm motivated I'll offer to charge them my premium rate I'd use for advanced mathematics tutoring. Else, I'll do what I did last time someone said something h8tful to me, let a beat pass, say "okay, have a great day" then strut away. Let them choke on their own vitriol - their problem, not mine. 

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Interesting experience, and I'm glad you were able to get away from the situation without further issues.  Not something I could use, as I have zero skills to teach and I'm not good with witty comebacks if stressed.  I not only have zero obligation to teach people, I have zero obligation to even talk to them if I don't want to.  No strutting here...just rapidly scampering away.


I don't get why people have to cause issues or have loud political/divisive discussions in public.  Maybe I'm just timid, but it seems really unsafe.  And I've seen more than one turn into a fight, usually because my GF likes to let her fists do the talking. 🙄 I tell her its not worth it, but she gets in on just about every nearby situation.  I love her, but sometimes its like she's my total opposite. 


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