How to start the conversation with a therapist?

[dale]

Hi, this is my first time posting; I just recently found this forum. So, I have found a therapist in my local area that I am considering calling, her bio indicates she is familiar with gender issues. Here is my issue, I am going over in my head how the conversation might go, I am literally making myself physical ill, as in stomach nausea. I don't know if I can utter the right words in front of another human being, I need to tell her I have have been a crossdresser since childhood (or maybe more, idk, partly why I want to talk to a therapist), and the thoughts and desires of being and living as a woman are getting stronger as the years go by. I don't know how to get out even the first sentence. I guess I am embarrassed at this, I would make a terrible woman, not passable at all, I don't want to put close family through this. idk, I feel like I really need to talk to someone and hopefully find a way to deal with this so I can get on with life. Any help appreciated, thanks.

[VickySGV]

"I am having what I think are consistent, persistent, and insistent problems regarding my Gender. and I need help dealing with it."  Perfect opening line for a therapist.  That is the description of Gender Dysphoria which you will be exploring with the Therapist.  There will be work to do on checking up on all three segments there and they will come up as the therapy goes on because the therapy not only deals with "are you Trans" but how you are going to handle the job in front of you to Transition and work with (or leave) people in your life so that you can Transition.  You will talk about HOW to Come Out at work and at home, and maybe in your religious tradition, but all of that starts by simply saying that you do not feel right in the expected gender you were pointed to when you were first born.

 

Welcome to The Forums.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Dale.  I understand and empathize with your anxiety about seeing a therapist.  I had the same doubts and concerns as you are having.  @VickySGV's suggestion is excellent.  There are other approaches too, such as; "I'm really nervous about talking about this, so why don't you just ask me some questions to get us started?"  The therapist will take it from there.

 

There are no bad questions, and no wrong answers.  My best advice is to be open and honest with them, and let them help you.  They'll want to know what your goals are, what your fears are, and they'll go from there.

 

Good luck!

 

Carolyn Marie

[MirandaB]

I did a lot of thinking about what I would say in the first (phone) conversation with a therapist, then when it happened I just pretty much broke down saying it out loud for the first time and the first phone call was basically the therapist trying to calm me down. 

 

If you do end up in therapy what you say at the start probably won't matter all that much in the long run, it's what you both figure out over the course of it that will matter. 

[April Marie]

I was so nervous before my first session - I linked up with an on-line therapist - that my hands were shaking. I thought a lot about what I’d say...overthought if truth be told.... because my therapist used questions to help me to open up. In the end, I gushed and ripped the proverbial bandaid off in a tear-filled soul-baring monologue. As @VickySGV, @Carolyn Marie and @RhondaS have said, your therapist will ultimately help guide your journey of self-discovery and what you say in your first session will be less important than what you explore in subsequent sessions.

 

If you’re anything like me, always have a box of tissues handy!

 

With much love,

[KathyLauren]

On 2/18/2023 at 6:26 PM, VickySGV said:

"I am having what I think are consistent, persistent, and insistent problems regarding my Gender. and I need help dealing with it."

 

Or, if you want a simpler version, "I think I might be transgender."  The therapist can take it from there.

 

Welcome, Dale!

 

Regards,

Kathy

[dale]

Thankyou for the replies everyone. I will need to think about al this...I think I will try to write things down, want I want to say and want I would like to accomplish. 

[Lydia_R]

I totally relate to this nervousness dale.  When I came out at work and to my friends, I did it with an email.  It was just too difficult to try to work this into a conversation.  Once I knew that they were aware, then I could talk about it easier.  I don't remember the way it went with my GT, but I do remember not having a good relationship with my first GT.  I only saw her about twice and then I went at least another 6 months before trying again.  You never know what is going to happen when people are involved.

 

I found conversations to be good once the ice is broken.  Breaking the ice was insanity for me, but I managed to do it and all that is behind me now.

 

As for passing, I've learned (largely thanks to the people on this site) to not care too much about it.  If people recognize me as transgender, then I'm happy and that isn't too difficult to achieve.

 

Best of luck to you and your journey!

Lydia

[KayC]

Hi @dale.  Memories of my first gender therapy sessions ... I was so nervous also, but!  When I realized I was finally in a safe place where I could also FINALLY tell somebody all my emotions, feelings, and experiences ... it just gushed out in a torrent of words.  My poor therapist was trying so hard to keep up with her notes ... I laugh about it now.

 

Your therapist is there to provide this same safe space for you too.  They are not there to make judgements ... but help you bring out your own true-self and self-acceptance.  And session One is just that ... hopefully One of many on your journey.

 

I'm excited for you.  Let us know how it goes!

[missyjo]

Dale,

I'll offer my novice input n hope it helps. I'm picking a therapist now, n it's scary...my pcp told me where to go for gender docs but not therapist

 

anyway, I was going nuts dressing n changing 14 times per day..male..female..male..female..depending on where I needed to be. a very good friend hugged me n suggested, if this is you dear, own it n screw others..I have tried that..doing it with everything other than mom n 1 sibling. 

 

as to telling others, I told siblings..1 condemned me to hell but I still love you, the other said screw that bigoted bs, you may need to move to bigger city to blend better. then told 2 dear friends..they said is that all? your friends may surprise you dear. I hope so

 

as for passing, I hear blending is easier..dress appropriately n do your thing. most people have their own lives to worry about so staring at us isn't big on their agenda..they have kids, spouses etc. be brave..each outing gets easier than last. good luck sweetie

[_Kira_]

Hi Dale,

I am kind of late in this conversation, so maybe you have already taken the first step. 

Usually when you book the appointment they will want to have some idea of why. I would just say I would like to talk about gender issues, no need for any more details. 

Your therapist should have plenty of experience with starting up and directing your initial conversation. Please, believe me it gets much easier once you start. 

 

Best of luck 🫂

[Red_Lauren.]

I've been seeing a therapist for a nearly two months now. While I like him, and he's helping with depression and life. I don't know how to bring up my gender dysphoria. Even though I'm nearly 2 1/2 years into my transition.

[KathyLauren]

4 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

I've been seeing a therapist for a nearly two months now. While I like him, and he's helping with depression and life. I don't know how to bring up my gender dysphoria. Even though I'm nearly 2 1/2 years into my transition.

 

How does he start your sessions?  Does he invite you to choose a topic?  Does he ask you what is going on in your life this week?  Anything like that is an invitation for you to bring up what's really on your mind. 

 

If he just launches right in to talking about where you left off last session, it is okay to interrupt him and ask for a change of subject.  For him to properly help you with your depression, he needs to know about your dysphoria. 

 

Just tell him how it is: "Doc, I have gender dysphoria."  He'll be able to take it from there.  If he thinks it's out of his league, ask him for a referral to someone qualified.

[Red_Lauren.]

2 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

 

How does he start your sessions?  Does he invite you to choose a topic?  Does he ask you what is going on in your life this week?  Anything like that is an invitation for you to bring up what's really on your mind. 

 

If he just launches right in to talking about where you left off last session, it is okay to interrupt him and ask for a change of subject.  For him to properly help you with your depression, he needs to know about your dysphoria. 

 

Just tell him how it is: "Doc, I have gender dysphoria."  He'll be able to take it from there.  If he thinks it's out of his league, ask him for a referral to someone qualified.

He usally opens up by asking what's going on. Which is nice, but usually I forget what's going. Because I'm super tired when I see him, and since I just got up. I'm kinda not thinking about aby thing. I need to start writing my feelings down. As I feel like he's helped, but im not get the proper help. Because I cannot remember stuff.

[_Kira_]

6 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

He usally opens up by asking what's going on. Which is nice, but usually I forget what's going. Because I'm super tired when I see him, and since I just got up. I'm kinda not thinking about aby thing. I need to start writing my feelings down. As I feel like he's helped, but im not get the proper help. Because I cannot remember stuff.

I can definitely relate with your dilemma. I have problems with my memory, mostly because of my depression. My therapist invites me to write down my feelings and share with her. I have also learned to create a list of things (talking points) to take with me to the sessions. For me the most important part of all this that as I open up to my therapist, I also shine light on understanding myself. 

Yes, take the time to write down some things.

Good luck!

[missyjo]

Dale 

oh honey relax.

it is scary yes. I've seen mine now a few times n like someone said, she usually starts with what's going on? but I sent a short note and asking 4 or 5 questions when I considered her. so she knows, n since then  I've emailed or mailed a few long notes I had written  about this to give her perspective. I look forward to my appointments now. you will too 

 

she sent me long questionnaire to complete n first few sessions I expect we'll cover what's going on n those background questions. but I still feel better n not as alone with this. 

 

try it dear..you can always switch therapists if you don't get a good fit. 

 

good luck. hugs. missy

[April Marie]

It seems to me that you need to find a way to be awake and thoughtful for your sessions. I generally take 20 minutes or so before my sessions to think about the last week. WHat has gone well? What hasn't? What issue have been bothering me? What things do I need help with? And, sometimes, I just want to talk, to be seen and acknowledged.

 

The reality is that if you are not being open and honest, your therapist is flying blind trying to help you. Unless he/she knows your true situation, what you're being told may or may not be accurate. I KNOW how hard it can be to open - but if the client/therapist relationship is working right you SHOULD be able to bare your soul. Us it sometimes difficult? Embarrassing? Absolutely, But I think you'll find it easier once you start and immensely helpful. Your therapist is like a life coach. Without knowing where you are, it's not possible to give you the support you need to get to where you want to go.

 

 

[Red_Lauren.]

On 5/10/2023 at 5:20 PM, April Marie said:

It seems to me that you need to find a way to be awake and thoughtful for your sessions. I generally take 20 minutes or so before my sessions to think about the last week. WHat has gone well? What hasn't? What issue have been bothering me? What things do I need help with? And, sometimes, I just want to talk, to be seen and acknowledged.

 

The reality is that if you are not being open and honest, your therapist is flying blind trying to help you. Unless he/she knows your true situation, what you're being told may or may not be accurate. I KNOW how hard it can be to open - but if the client/therapist relationship is working right you SHOULD be able to bare your soul. Us it sometimes difficult? Embarrassing? Absolutely, But I think you'll find it easier once you start and immensely helpful. Your therapist is like a life coach. Without knowing where you are, it's not possible to give you the support you need to get to where you want to go.

 

 

You are correct on them being life coach. I have only been seeing my guy for a two months. In that two months. He has gotten me to be motivated. Helped me realize im on the wrong career path. Helped me set realistic goals, with time lines. I just took a job at a different place. While it's not my career choice. It's a job I'll be able to do. That I never would have taken with out help. It will at least pay the bills for now. While I can work on my empire. To be able to turn me around. To at least take a job. That at least will get me through for a while. To allow me to to achieve my goals, and dreams. That is a wonderful. 

 

I'm hoping that with more time, and the happier, and more comfortable I get. I'll be able to open up to him more about my gender dysphoria. We have talked about some trans issues, but we needed to address the bigger picture first. 

[missyjo]

I think AprilMarie is so correct that we need to share everything with the therapist so they can try to help. 

 

mine has said once or twice you don't have to answer if you're uncomfortable but I told her, the only way you can truly help me is if I tell you everything. so these last 2 weeks were hard n lots of negativuty from family ended up with me having lots of négative thoughts n emotions...was I proud to share them? no, but she's a professional who I have asked to help me. I owe her honesty so she knows what I'm battling to understand me n help me sort stuff out. is it awkward ? I suppose so n will be more at times but I need her help. I need her to know me to help me. and she's à professional so im in good hands I think.

 

hopefully you'll get comfortable with the therapist you choose n can open up enough so they can help you on yojr journey dear. .

 

good luck dears

hugs

[Ashley0616]

Sorry I'm late but journaling has helped me. I got an app on my phone and it unlocks by facial recognition. I need to put more entries more often but it's nice to put it down so you can read with what you have already been through. I'm looking forward to seeing a gender therapist but at the moment I have a regular one, mental health, endocrinologist, and regular doctor.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. My own Mom said I wouldn't look passible because I have broad shoulders, six foot tall and said some other negative stuff. When it has actually been quite the opposite. I had a group of men ask me how I was doing and their eyes followed me. That's just one incident. It has happened a good amount even when I forgot to shave my five o'clock shadow. I'm glad that I was raised by women because I do have a good judgement in fashion. I don't dress with the latest trends because that would get expensive very quick. 

[Tiffany 838]

Want to say thank you to all of you beautiful ladies.  I had my first therapy session yesterday. I had been very nervous since i scheduled it.  Reading this feed and a few others really helped me be more prepared and calm.

 

Had a great conversation and really liked her. we just talked and got some things out in the open and came up with a game plan.   Thank you all 

[missyjo]

Tiffany 

very happy to hear it went well dear.

hope it's conformable n helpful to you dear. I love my therapists help n look forward to it. 

 

good luck

 

hugs

missy jo