Came out to my wife,didn't go great,feeling mixed feelings

[jane3010]

Gonna apologize for the rant ahead of time I never did anything like this. So couple of days ago I(26) came out to my wife about being non binary and wanting to get in touch with my repressed feminine side,I've felt feminine all my life, had fantasies, mainly fit in with girls, unhappy with my body, never feeling "manly" enough, envied all the girly things women could experience, doing nails, pretty clothes etc.. , so I fumbled my coming out pretty hard as my wife(34)and I have been having a pretty rough patch in life, we have a two year old daughter that I love dearly, as I was being bombarded by questions that were very ignorant and offensive(this sort of thing is very frowned upon and there is 0 support in my very conservative Slavic country)saying things like i knew you were lying to me all this time, i knew something was up, but i honestly wasn't sure, i saw trans people as abominations(brainwashed by conservative society) and was confused and deeply suppressed my feminine side,she was confused hurt angry and started shaming me saying i was a sick deviant,took her the night to calm down and set boundaries like only in the bedroom and when i say you can,get help don't do it every day,but it was too little too late, even though she said she accepted this side of me i knew her inner view was disgust and i was deeply disappointed in someone that presented as extremely liberal compared to the vast majority of the population here.I think the floodgates opened once when I was alone at home and i tried my wives stockings i loved the sensation i felt sexy and powerful and wanted to try more.So after the coming out night i bought some more clothing and tried wearing them, skirt around the house with socks and panties,she found it funny and treated it Like some kind of Halloween thing,i found it comfortable and wished i had more of this,it felt "right", i wore stockings underdressed to work and panties under normal trousers and I never felt more confident in my life(I've struggled with social anxiety all my life)it was just something that was so liberating exploring this suppressed side of my gender. Last night i wanted to paint my nails and was skittish in asking her to show me, but that was halted as she aired her dissappontment "so is this gonna be a daily occurrence now?I think you've lost your mind and are compensating for something, trying to find a way out responisibility" - I thought I was free to explore but I guess I got it wrong, she felt like it was a disease that will fade soon.

I'm the sole provider and she also has some mental health issues and is a stay at home mom, I do most of the chores and help her with the kid every day, take care of the dog completely and work 9 hour days. Always feeling like I'm not good enough, so after all of that last night we decided that she wants a man not a woman,even tough i told her that I am still the person I was and will retain my "masculine" role in the marriage, protect and provide if you will, and would be happy living male presenting to the outside world and trans privately, we agreed to split but wait for 6 months for her to find employment and a new place with her mom, she blames me for ruining our family and giving up on us, and i feel guilty, kind of expected this to happen but I guess I was hopeful,maybe I did get married too young and have children before figuring out my self, I guess I was always overcompensating for something and never knew why, I'm excited to finally feel free of the disgust that society instilled in me for the feelings i always had and excited to explore this side of me but guilty and sad to have broken up a family, It wasn't perfect, we had arguments and I've always felt I was the one keeping it together(for the kid) - , so yea we're living together but not really communicating, I'll try to privetly discover untill we separate and hold it in as i have my entire life, think I need therapy as i Feel kind of empty inside, i have good friends that accept me and a supportive mother, I think I'll manage.

 

Thank you for reading, I don't really know what's going on, I'm mentally solid as steel as I've had a lot of trauma I'm my life and I Don't feel depressed or sad, but am afraid of it when everything comes to pass, I am afraid of being broken and guilt ridden about making the right choice in the future.

[Heather Shay]

First of all - You are brave to stand up for your real self and realize you do need therapy (all of us do) and that is a good step. As to your wife's reaction, that is normal. My wife took over 2-1/2 years before she was able to see mine was not a fad and I nearly lost her and she still isn't thrilled but accepts and is helpful. She is just starting a long hard journey herself and the shock will either eventually help her process the situation or not. Having your mother nd friends being supportive is absolutely wonderful. Support is so vital. You are in a tough position but remember you need to be true to yourself and take care of yourself. Caring about your child and wife shows your love and caring and that will be rewarded. As far as your wife, even tough it hurts, be compassionate and gentle. No matter the outcome, be patient as she is just starting to face something she probably never considered possible in her life.

Hugs

[jane3010]

43 minutes ago, Heather Shay said:

First of all - You are brave to stand up for your real self and realize you do need therapy (all of us do) and that is a good step. As to your wife's reaction, that is normal. My wife took over 2-1/2 years before she was able to see mine was not a fad and I nearly lost her and she still isn't thrilled but accepts and is helpful. She is just starting a long hard journey herself and the shock will either eventually help her process the situation or not. Having your mother nd friends being supportive is absolutely wonderful. Support is so vital. You are in a tough position but remember you need to be true to yourself and take care of yourself. Caring about your child and wife shows your love and caring and that will be rewarded. As far as your wife, even tough it hurts, be compassionate and gentle. No matter the outcome, be patient as she is just starting to face something she probably never considered possible in her life.

Hugs

Thank you for the support, It helps reading about other experiences and thank you for the kind words, I'm steeling my self for the storm to come

[Marcie Jensen]

Hi Jane. Heather makes some excellent points and I agree with her about your bravery. Courage isn't always about being physically brave; there is a much rarer variety that you possess. That is, standing up for what you believe and who you are. You possess that in abundance. 

 

Rejoice that you've discovered yourself at 26--it took me 62 years to reach that point--and continue to love and care for your child and wife throughout your journey and beyond. And, don't forget that it's okay to love yourself too.

 

Hugs

[Rebel]

Hi Jane, i feel your pain and what your saying, i've been taking hormones for 3 years, and my wife even knew i was trans before we got married, BUT heres the thing she just pointed out to me last week when we got into another big argument about me coming out full on in the last few month to everyone, when i was still pretty much in the closet it wasn't in her face everyday and the husband she married was still in front of her in her eyes, yes shes said and done what your wife is doing and more, then we started talking not yelling, she explained to be how she didn't ever think i would go though with it and so on, but here's the thing she said. i want to tell you and others going though hell with a mad wife or partner, WE DIED or for the most part did in there eyes, she was used to me as the male, her husband, the strong one, the problem salver in the family, in her eyes i died, the husband she knew died, Rebel was born, if someone dies the partner gets mad they get moody they go though all kinds of emotions trying to figure, what to do and what just happend to the life they knew, and as she pointed out to me she's straight and not into or attracted to females, so thats also on there minds, even though they can love you to the moon and back some times they can't deal with the new us, like me Dennis died 4 months ago and is gone forever she needs time to get used of him or that image being gone, Rebel was born, she needs time to adjust to the new me, the clothes, the make up, everything that we say guess what TADAA! they need to get used to, give it time and let her get used to the new you, it might not work but thats my advice.

Rebel

[Isabella Dior]

Hi Jane, I am so proud of you. I personally do not know how to handle a similar situation, so thank you for sharing your strength and commitment. My wife had a bad reaction when I shared some cross-dressing. Definitely hoping for answers as well.