Hello, glad to meet you! I'm Jolie.

[Jolie]

Hi!  I'm Jolie, and while I'm not usually at a loss for words, I'm finding an introduction here kind of difficult.  I've identified as female as long as I can remember, but only found words for it first in the late 1990s.  Starting HRT in a small town in the Midwest USA was something I admire about my early self.  Surprising even to myself now, when I moved to Washington, I felt a need to incubate my journey for nearly two decades, battling fear/self-doubt.

Now, I recognize the language and support my current community provides and I am grateful to have the opportunity life offers to live as myself.  Picking up 'where I left off' now in my mid 40s offers challenges and unexpected perspectives, and I'm thankful to be have the opportunity to be truly accountable to myself.  I've got my list, I've checked it twice (and more), and I'm making progress on what it means to live my life.  Legal documents, check.  Electrolysis and HRT, engaged.  Surgeries, making my contacts and establishing my timelines.  For the first time, I am full-time Jolie with intention and goals.

I am excited to listen and learn from these forums, and I'm glad to share perspectives and thoughts from my experiences.  Even as part of such a beautiful and courageous community, i have a hard time believing I can type this out and there are others who might read this with overlapping paths and struggles.  I'm so thankful for the community that is developed here.  Thank you to the moderators, and thanks for everyone here for just being you and being here! 

Oh, and yes, most important, I'm a cat mom, but don't let that suggest I don't love those puppies, too!  Bring 'em on!  

[April Marie]

Welcome to the forum, Jolie! I'm a newbie on this path of self-discovery. I look forward to hearing your experiences and ideas.

[Betty K]

Hi Jolie, welcome. That certainly was brave starting HRT in a small town in the 90s; at that point I was deep in denial. But in other ways our stories are similar. I started on HRT nine months ago and socially transitioned about four months ago. I am in my late 40s.

 

For me, though I've never been happier, this process has dug up a lot of regrets and buried trauma. I can go from gender euphoria to crying my eyes out and back again in the course of a day. But I wouldn't change it.

 

I hope you get as much out of this forum as I have. It's a very safe space and a treasure trove of information.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jolie,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf🐾

[Jolie]

Hi

 

I mentioned to another person here, gosh, this time in life is so full of hindsight...and readiness, eagerness to accept accountability and intent.  there is -no time- like the present.

 

@April Marieand @Timber Wolf hello and thank you!  i totally agree with @Betty K on the impact of the journey and the breadth of feelings that comes sometimes sometimes all crowding in at the same time!  in my life, i'm working through that struggle of acknowledgement of the trauma while giving more space and energy to what i want that will help me with those core elements of myself i care so much about.  i struggle with the feeling of narcissism and selfishness that is part and parcel with a life of examination and intention, and i try my best to balance the grieving of 'lost time' to what i needed to do at the time to survive.

you know, if i were to meet myself as a kid (do you find this true as well?), i think

 

- i have so much compassion and love for that kid; what a struggle, and how determined to live their life the best they could!  mistakes and all, what an isolating, painful path; what a beautiful, kind, compassionate, and intelligent soul!

- my young self would be stunned and in awe that adult me exists.  I have a place to exist?  I can live the life i feel inside...externally?  and be loved for it?

 

What gets me now is that that kid actually -is- me.  I did and am doing the thing i want/ed to do.  the insecurities and tears and laughter and accomplishment (because some of this stuff...lol), the compassionate kid...that's all me.  there are times that i feel so difficult to love myself, to believe that i can be lovable, and yet... and yet, here i am loving this younger version who is in awe of me now.  that's all me.  i'm guessing these feelings will stick around, probably change, but...i think, i'm going to say it, i think i am finding it possible to love myself now, and all the hard work and payoff that implies.  whew!

 

do you ever feel that way?  i've gotta dive into these forums and find out! ;D

[Betty K]

@Jolie you have hit the nail on the head. I too finally love myself. The difference in self-talk between the current me and pre-transition me is dramatic. Nowadays, I am never harsh with myself. If I make a mistake, instead of cussing myself out, I say, “No darling, that’s not how it’s done.” And I tell myself several times a day how proud I am of myself. This change has been so wonderful. Of all the happy changes in my life, this is the one that most reassures me I am on the right path.

 

3 hours ago, Jolie said:

my young self would be stunned and in awe that adult me exists.  I have a place to exist?  I can live the life i feel inside...externally?  and be loved for it?

Again, I feel exactly this. At ten years old I resolved never to share my secret with anyone, and I kept that resolve for 30 years. I am still regularly astonished that I can walk down a city street without being abused, and that people do love me for it. I may never fully outgrow the trauma of my childhood — I may always fear the kind of abuse I received then — but every day that goes by helps me to live with it and to breathe a little easier.

 

3 hours ago, Jolie said:

i struggle with the feeling of narcissism and selfishness that is part and parcel with a life of examination

I guess this is the one feeling I don’t share. I have always been an introvert given to self-examination. I don’t have children and I broke up with my wife before transitioning so looking after myself is really my main responsibility. I will say, though, that even for those who do have dependents, I suspect that more self-examination can only benefit the world as a whole. I know that I am a far kinder and more charitable person now than ever before, and ready to stand up for my beliefs. I also believe that society can only benefit from the challenge to traditional gender roles that trans and gender-non-conforming people provide.

[April Marie]

Oh my gosh, I get so inspired, so uplifted and so comforted by your - and others' - stories here. I am so new in my journey but see so much of myself, my younger self, as you talk about your struggle. I buried, ignored, denied for many decades building guilt, self-loathing and shame until it manifested itself in depression. In just two short months, after gushing it all out to my wife and working with a therapist, I can say that I truly love who I am, who I am becoming. I don't know yet how this journey will end, but even if it remains as it is I am so very happy to be acknowledged for who I truly am.

 

I love the diversity of stories, the differing ages when people acknowledged their truths and how they went about their own becomings - many fully transitioning and many others to greater or lesser degrees. Each unique and individual, yet all giving inspiration and hope to those of us just beginning the process.

 

I am blessed in many ways, one of them to have found this wonderfully supportive and accepting community.

 

So, to answer your question...Yes!!! 🙂

[Mmindy]

21 hours ago, Jolie said:

I can type this out and there are others who might read this with overlapping paths and struggles. 

Welcome Jolie,

 

You are correct is saying that there are so many people here with overlapping paths, struggles, and need to share with like minded people.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated. CATS RULE!

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Ivy]

Welcome Jolie