Social Transition: Before or After Starting HRT?

[Jo Er]

Hi all! I'm just starting my journey (MTF), and I want to know what advice you might have about social transitioning. I have a liberal and supportive family, so I am not worried about their reaction. This is more about personal comfort.

 

I want to be seen and thought of as female, I know that with decent certainty. However, I find the idea of not being able to "pass" effectively very upsetting; if I am to be female, I want to be convincing at first sight. With HRT, this will be very likely, as I am already able to pass pretty well. However, I am worried that starting HRT without telling anyone will be uncomfortable for me, as I will be going through a journey which no one will know about. 

 

So my question is this: what amount of social transitioning do you recommend (if any) before I start HRT? Should I wait until the signs begin to show, or should I start telling people when I am just getting started (possibly making me even more uncomfortable with my own body because I don't "look" like my pronouns)?

 

Thank you all for existing! It's great to see you all here as a helpful support community for me. 

[Jani]

Hello Jo Er and welcome.  Wanting to be seen as female is a goal for many.  Thankfully women come in all sizes, shapes, and colors so don't fret too much over it.  Quite a bit of "passing" is not in the look but in the mannerisms.  Men walk, talk and generally handle their posture different than women.  Focus on this.  Watch others, (but don't stare!) to pick up the subtleties.  Listen carefully to how women speak. 

As to how much social transitioning before HRT?  As much as you can!  I was out and about for about 8 months before I started.  I'll be honest, it can be difficult but its a necessary step.  I wouldn't tell your friends/family until you are ready to start dressing and carrying yourself as your new self.  Otherwise you run the risk of them questioning your sincerity.  Remember, you will experience some degree of discomfort.  Its a test to determine if you are really committed to changing!  Hang in there.  Take baby steps.  

 

Cheers, Jani 

[Mmindy]

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums Jo Er,

 

@Jani nailed it. we come in all sizes, shapes, and color. Watch for the mannerisms.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[KathyLauren]

Everyone is different and has different needs and priorities.  And everyone responds differently to HRT.  All I can give you is my own experience.

 

I wasn't aiming for "convincing at first sight".  I aimed lower, for plausible at first sight.  And I let my physical progress dictate the speed of my social transition.  I did my social transition three months after I started HRT.  By that time, my breasts were getting hard to hide, and I could see visible changes starting to happen in my face.  As I said, your mileage may vary. 

 

[VickySGV]

I took the route of Cross Dressing, actually for several years before beginning HRT, and with the help of a Drag Mother as we jokingly called her, learned to dress even for the short run in clothing and makeup that blended in to the places I was going to be seen and known as me.  Part of the deal was to pick where you are going so you will be safe even if you are "read" as Trans.  Look for a Trans support group at an LGBTQ Center near you. https://www.lgbtqcenters.org/LGBTCenters and get with them for safe outings and help on achieving your best look.  You can do that in the next few days.  If you get scared off at some point, it is not failure or ducking out of being Trans.  Go back, do what is comfortable and do not deny your feelings.

 

I was already out that way when I began HRT.  Remember it will take you 3 to six months for physical effects to begin, and then three to 6 years to finish their real work.  Cis girls take from age nine to their twenties to reach our 6 year estimates of time. Work with your therapist during this time to figure out when you are not going to go back.  You should have the most important members of your life on board before you show up to a family or other close group dinner. 

[Jo Er]

Wonderful advice from everyone! Thank you tons!

[Lydia_R]

I came out to everyone about two months after starting HRT.  I did it all in one week.  I just wrote everyone emails.  After that, there was no reason to hide and then I started really feeling good about things.

 

Before that, I was very concerned about passing.  Afterward it wasn't a big deal to me.  The HRT makes me feel more feminine and I don't care as much what others think.  Yesterday I got positive affirmation at the store when a man asked "Can I help you find something ma'am?"  That's always nice.  I'm sure it will get even better with time.  I'm a little over 6 months into HRT.

 

Hugs,

Lydia

[Susan R]

On 3/7/2023 at 9:59 AM, Jo Er said:

So my question is this: what amount of social transitioning do you recommend (if any) before I start HRT?

As you can tell from the responses, everyone does things differently depending on the personal variables in their lives. HRT takes a few months to actually make any noticeable changes and even those changes can be hidden with minimal effort if needed. I felt that the HRT helped me begin to ‘blend’ as a female as I began presenting more often in public.

 

So for me, HRT came first. Three months later, I started acclimating myself to being out in public presenting female away from home. I wasn’t out yet to friends, family, or neighbors at that point. I did things like go to my doctor, did some clothes shopping, attend a few nearby trans support groups, etc… Two months later, I started breaking the news to my neighbors, friends and finally my family (siblings, children, grandchildren). I came out differently to everyone based on my personal relationship with them and/or their distance from me. If they lived too far for an in-person disclosure, I called or emailed them.

 

Best of luck on your social transition. There will be ups and downs but stay the course and you’ll eventually get there. You may doubt yourself along the way and that happens to us all. Even CIS women do this with makeup, hair, and wardrobe. It’s comes with the territory. Just do your best and you’ll be fine.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[Maddee]

I was out and about part time long before I started HRT.  Several years.  
 

However, a lot of the real changes, legalities. name, full time employment, really solidified in my life after I committed to HRT and the rest of my medical path.  
 

Happy journey to you 

[Ivy]

22 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

I was very concerned about passing.  Afterward it wasn't a big deal to me.  The HRT makes me feel more feminine and I don't care as much what others think.

For me, I started to come out in public about the same time I started HRT.  I have support from most of my family.  

I didn't expect to "pass" very well at the time, and it's still not my Main motivation.  I have legally changed my name and gender marker and I just live and dress as a woman the best I can.

Like Lydia said, for me it's about how I feel about myself and how I live.

But I'm also getting old, and retired, so I don't have to worry about a job.

You just need to do what you're comfortable with.  But yeah, it can be scary at times.

[Gigi23]

I had no choice to come out because I suddenly lost 80 lbs in six months and then had no clothes that fit and I mean none.

 

Since I had to invest a boodle on an entirely new wardrobe I burned my bridge right away and had no choice or no turning back.  So, I got online and ordered a handful of appropriate denim jegging skirts and 3X women's tops from the top.  Since I was quietly and very privately proficient at sleeping en femme over 50 years I already had an extensive collection of undies and pantyhose plus nighties.

 

It's something I had prayed for across about 60 years and nature, perhaps another entity, took it's nature and the stars lined up.

 

Then we when I had severe prostate troubles at 63 was retired with little to no social circle, I enthusiastically bought into a gender reassignment as one but only one option for a medical resolution to chronic, non cancerous prostate difficulties, in my particular case.

 

Probably not very common but for me I KNOW it's the pathway for whatever time I have left in this life.  I've been waiting and hoping somehow to get here for a very long time.

 

I started coming out in my second week from nothing at all, just showed up as the skinny version of old me wearing women's day to day garb at friends and mercantile associates, and things have gone quite fine.

 

'Course at my age my therapist urged me from the get go to go as far as I can as soon as I can.  Medically we'll see how far I can go by the end product, but it will definitely be wearing a skirt!

 

Right now each week is adventurous and quite exciting.  At least as long as that might last, whatever that is.  Each detail is a new experience and I try to revel in it all.

 

Maybe this adds to the discussion?  I'm new to this game as maybe you can tell.  Otherwise I'm not too big into any kind of social media communication.

 

Happy Easter to all!

 

Just to juice it up I will be arriving at services on Sunday wearing my first summer dress and have a wide brim hat plus some lipstick.  That'll be me gimping along with the cane, starting that new chapter in my life...😸

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Gigi

[missyjo]

hello.

I have yet to start hrt, though I desperately want to n fear it too.

 

in meantime a good friend noticed as I'd chronicall my day of being hidden n living 2 genders, 1 f at home n 2 male in public, sge said you spend 2/3 of your day petrified someone will know you're trans..so the f@@@  what.? .if this is you then own it n stop changing just to go grocery shopping..you may get a few looks here or there but consider 2 things dear<said to me>

 

1. use a goal of blending instead of passing missy, dress appropriately n try to fit in. no 8 inch heels in church n don't dress like a drag queen *sorry i love them* if you're trying to blend. they're performing..different goals when you each got dressed.

 

2. everyone has their own set of life's problems n worries so what blouse you wear doesn't matter to your neighbors

 

based on that..I started just wearing girls jeans, blouses, heels n forms n light makeup with a purse even before I had a wig..I found it relaxing n terrifying at first..now I don't think twice about it n I know I'm not passing, but I'm blending sort of n people are accepting..even in ladies rooms they've been kind..

 

that's my path..do I hope to learn more n get closer to passing? of course..but I was going crazy changing n repainting my nails n unpainting  them 4x per day n which pair of glasses do I need...this is easier n more relaxing...nobody has said boo..biggest criticism so far? a sibling when I privately told them. everyone else? honey I figure ,you're here to pee n fix you're makeup like the rest of us girls. so welcome n enjoy your night. that stopped mens bathrooms for me. 

 

is this perfect? no  but better than it was. I figure I can move n change names again when im.."closer to passing"..if I feel à need to

 

hope this helps

hugs 

missy