How do I find self acceptance.

[Brianna R]

I’ve been approved for breast augmentation surgery so I’ve started wearing prosthetic breasts to make sure I’m ready to come out of hiding.  Once I have the surgery I won’t be able to hide my breasts under loose shirts anymore.  I’ve been transitioning for two years now and am out at work for the past several months. People have been mostly supportive of my changes. Problem is I’m extremely self conscious of my appearance. I’m so excited that I’ll have breasts but still feel ashamed when I wear prosthetic ones. I’m 6’ 1” broad shoulders and a baritone voice. I don’t think I’ll ever pass as a woman. I guess I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel comfortable in my body. I was never comfortable as a man. Now I’m neither a man or a woman.  I’m afraid that’s what I’ll always be. How can I come to accept that I’m an transgender woman that will never pass and be at peace with myself. 

[VickySGV]

Forget the Man/Woman thing and concentrate on being YOU, which is my take on life.  You tend to feel better with female dress and mannerisms is what I hear.  Live that way and while it will be a few months or years, it is your character, courtesy, compassion and service to others that will become YOU no matter what you look like or how you sound.  There are very few "ideal" men or women to use as models, but we focus on those very few and forget the REST OF THE REAL PEOPLE who surprisingly look very much like us and are, like we are, fun to know and have as friends.  I have been out for nearly 15 years and it is just me I see in the mirror, but finally it is me!!

[Brianna R]

Just being me is really all I want. Problem is I’ve spent almost sixty years pretending to be someone else. I’m not even sure who the real me is. I’ve been so afraid that people would see past the male character I’ve been playing my whole life and see the girl that I really am. I still get scared when I am too girly and retreat back into the male character that has kept me safe for so many years. 

[Charlize]

I finally came out at 63 and went full time.  I certainly felt uneasy when dealing with cis folks.  It took time for that to pass. Finally i'm living comfortably as myself, accepted by those who have known me for most of my life as well as new acquaintances.  Enjoy yourself.  I'm having a great time as i approach the 3/4 century mark.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[VickySGV]

@Brianna RI am 75 now and hit the streets at 61, so age is just a number to this.  As I said above, you do you!!

[Brianna R]

Thank you both. Knowing that other people have started transitioning later in life helps me believe it’s not too late for me. I can finally become my authentic self.  

[Brianna R]

Can I ask you both how you got past feeling so self conscious.  I’m an introvert; all I want to do is disappear. Two years ago when I started hormones I swore I would never have any surgeries or come out in public. Now I’m scheduled to have breast implants later this year and GRS next year. I’m out at work. I wear makeup every day and I’ve been wearing prosthetics breasts to work. I’m wearing them because I need to know having the surgery is right for me. When I’m home I love how it feels to have breasts.  I love the way they fill out a blouse and I love to look down at them. But at work I’m so self conscious about it. I can’t get over thinking everyone is looking at me. Though I know they aren’t. I really want them but I have to get past the shame I feel at work and in public. 

[VickySGV]

Personal feelings of shame are one nasty hurdle to get over in all of this.  We need to actually put a specific name to the shame though and once we know its name we can work with it.  Trying to be the best YOU is nothing to be ashamed of, although that is easier said than felt.  I am lucky in that I had contacted other Trans people in my early stages of coming out and the group helped me feel secure where I was.  You are correct in that really NOBODY is looking at you or caring what you look like.  A monologue I perform  with a group of Tran folks who like entertaining describes a very real experience I had of a time when I was directed away from a male rest room toward a female rest room, and opened its door to see a WOMAN coming out of it toward me, and her face told me to get out of HER space. What was I to do?? OOPS, it was a full length mirror on the wall and the actual woman I saw was ME. The judgment and disapproval of me on my face in that moment was also real, but was a true epiphany for me to share.  It takes a bit of time, but I have been out for nearly 14 years and know it can be done.

[Lexi C]

Hey Briannna 

I start full time CD at 50 'bye 53 i start HRT and now 59. I just had Breast implants. To be honest i don't know what to feel. They def make  me feel more like a woman, but I am middle age TS who has to wear wigs and still gets call sir on the phone. I still get stares and so on.

But Vicky is right, there a time ( and they come more frequently ) when i be walk bye a mirror and i see a cis woman and realize ,," Holy Crap thats me!!" and  DAM I BE LOOKING GOOD.

It dose take time..LOTS  of time, but i no longer am harming myself and feeling more like a woman ,

So good Luck

Keep you head and your heart strong

[Brianna R]

You mentioned you had breast implants.  I’m scheduled to have them done in June.  I’m still undecided whether I should go with small breasts so I can still pass as a man when I want or if I should go with larger breast that would fit my body better. I’m 6’1” with a 43” chest. I think a “C” cup would fit me. I really want them done but I’m so self conscious. I’ve been wearing small prosthetic breasts to work for the last month and I’m still so worried what people are thinking.   

Any advice would be appreciated. 

Thank you

Bri

[Lexi C]

Brianna 

Be honest with you...WHY WOULD YOU GO THROUGHT the stress of the surgery, the stress of possible dysphoria after the surgery just so you don't offend anyone at work or home or what where.

A) You and your Doc should figure out what size is best for you.

B/ You might want to really have a good talk with your TG( gender therapist) before you decide.

 

Cus its seems to me that your not ready for BI or any gender affirming surgeries and THAT'S OK

There is no rush, no time table you.

However, you need to  be 100% sure before you jump into any GA. surgery

 

FYI i am 5'2 132 and my Breast Imp were 405C .

My Doc measure me, we talk and the fit perfect with my body

If your 6'3 with a big chest you might want to consider double CC, but i am not BS or Doc. So PLEASE talk your Doc/ your GT and do some researcher before hand. Cus its a big steps 

Hugs and Thoughts

Lexi 

[Brianna R]

Thank you. I know it sounds like I’m unsure that I’m ready for the surgery. I’ve spent many sessions with my therapist on this issue. They think it’s the best thing for me. I have deep seated transphobia from my childhood. Every step I’ve taken towards my authentic self has caused me great anguish and fear. Even things as simple as growing out my hair and getting my ears pierced terrified me at first. But after I did it I felt more at peace with my body. I’m kind of a basket case. 
 

With appreciation,

Brianna 

[Charlize]

I just you noticed your question about how to get past the self consciousness of being in the world as ourselves.  I remember being petrified. I kinda trained myself to relax.  One thing i did was to stop at as many small stores as i could do.  I would by a pkg of gum or a soda and go to the next.  I would of course have to pay and interact a bit with others in the store.  It took time but amazingly today I'm simply moving about as me. 

What you are experiencing is not unique.  We all have to move through this route and itv requires that awe fasten our seatbelts but it can become a beautiful road.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[EasyE]

On 4/12/2023 at 12:41 PM, VickySGV said:

Forget the Man/Woman thing and concentrate on being YOU, which is my take on life.  You tend to feel better with female dress and mannerisms is what I hear.  Live that way and while it will be a few months or years, it is your character, courtesy, compassion and service to others that will become YOU no matter what you look like or how you sound.  There are very few "ideal" men or women to use as models, but we focus on those very few and forget the REST OF THE REAL PEOPLE who surprisingly look very much like us and are, like we are, fun to know and have as friends.  I have been out for nearly 15 years and it is just me I see in the mirror, but finally it is me!!

These are very wise words, had to bold them and underline some of them (mostly to pound it in my head). So hard to practice though, for me, because I am very conscious of what folks think about me, especially if I am not living up to their expectations. And I am certainly not with my wife right now... But that is all we can do - love others, serve others, be compassionate with others and hope they can appreciate it... Thanks @VickySGV for sharing this and lifting my spirits today...

[Brianna R]

Thank you all for your replies to my post the advice has truly been helpful for me as I’m sure it will be for anyone else that reads it who is having the same struggles. 
 

I have one more question for all of you.  Do you ever stop thinking about this?  I mean being transgendered. It feels like it’s all I think about 24/7 and it is kind of making me a little crazy. 

[EasyE]

4 hours ago, Brianna R said:

I have one more question for all of you.  Do you ever stop thinking about this?  I mean being transgendered. It feels like it’s all I think about 24/7 and it is kind of making me a little crazy. 

I'm in this mode right now as well. I think (I hope!) it will calm down once some things get settled with folks around me. I've been tied in knots for the past few months especially as I've gone through the process of 1) feeling like I should tell my wife about all of this; 2) actually telling my wife; 3) dealing with the fallout.

[Brianna R]

I told my wife several years ago it’s been really hard. We have been married for 37 years. At first she thought that I was lying to her the whole time and she was really angry with me. But I think I was finally able to convince her that I didn’t really know myself. At least I didn’t allow my self to accept the truth.  She has finally accepted me and even calls me Bri now. 
 

If you want someone to talk to let me know  and we can communicate through messenger. 

[Ashley0616]

Self acceptance is definitely tough. You are your worst critic. You know all of your shortcomings more than anyone else. Will it make you happy? That is definitely a key question. I know that I will be self conscious when I get done with the surgeries but my outsides will match how I feel inside. You can't please everyone. You should focus on yourself because only you are living with the choices that you make. Think of it as one checkmark done and you have your list. Maybe next save up for shaving of the adam's apple and maybe vocal chords that way it will be natural and it won't have to come out with so much effort. As Ralph Waldo Emerson states "Life is a journey." It's not just a destination.