Dilating issue

[April Marie]

You've got this Maddee. As Jani said, you are a survivor and have tremendous inner strength. Look at all you've navigated so far. You have options for surgery now and, if nothing else, you have the love and care of us all here. You are not alone.

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Maddee said:

i need to have faith

I need to believe

Maddee, I can only repeat what @Janihas said.

 

Keep the Faith, everyone here is praying for you, and those who don't pray, are sending you all the positive vibes they can.

 

Sister Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋💖

[Madison_1990]

I am sending my good thoughts your way too @Maddee.  I know how difficult getting through all these surgeries can be.  But don't worry too much about your doctor going on vacation after the surgery.  I had major infection issues after my surgery and my surgeon wasn't always available but other very competent doctors were there to take care of my issues and I'm sure they would take care of yours as well should they happen.

 

Hang in there Maddee, our thoughts and prayers are on your side and you will get through this.

[Maddee]

Thank you

prayers 

 

positive vibes

 

love

I don’t know what to believe so I will believe this

 

[Jani]

15 minutes ago, Maddee said:

I don’t know what to believe so I will believe this

 

You Better!!!  

[Maddee]

I believe.
 

I am grateful for what I have RIGHT NOW.  
I will follow the path presenting itself to me.  

No matter if it seems shady.  The world is shady.

My decision to finally move ahead with medical transition in 2019 is about FAITH overcoming distrust of medical industry.   This decision is tied to having vaginal penetrative relationship still!
Expertise is what matters now. 

So, short of a miraculous sign telling me to STOP, I will continue to see this through.  To an ever new beginning🌈🌈
Even if it means leaving this well earned plateau of relative comfort.

My eyes and ears are open for signs. 
 
Doors slam close on me.  
When windows open,  I’m willing to jump through them.  

Its how I got here. 

[Maddee]

Forgot this isn’t my blog journal thread😀

[Kristen Sehr]

Hi Maddee,

 

I'm Kristen. I don't believe we've yet "met" one another in any forum threads. But the things you wrote here, they called out to me.

 

Your "...well earned plateau of relative comfort" is just not comfortable enough to remain in anymore, and I sure get that. And it can feel risky to leave places like that, too. Because there is still an element of the unknown in following the path presenting itself to you.

 

It is normal to feel scared in circumstances like these. Fear is normal, too. Absolutely. But you do have the power of control over them, over these emotions and feelings and the choices you can make in spite of them (which is courage). May not seem that way at all times (which happens with me too, I'm a constant work-in-progress), but just look back at all the strength and courage it took to even get yourself this far in the first place.

 

That strength and that courage are concrete facts. And they are an intrinsic part of you now. They dwell in the very fibre of your being. And they are not lost. 

 

That same strength and courage can be harnessed again. So seize those reins and ride. Keep moving forward. Exercise that strength. Connect and stay connected with your will and strength of purpose, with the courage it takes to get you there, knowing and believing in the things that must be achieved for you.

 

And at the risk of not sounding very ladylike here, fight. Because its your own life that you are fighting for. Don't let anything or anyone pull you away into the opposite direction and away from your needs. Away from your very self. I have some horrible regrets over when I let fear and distrust dictate my actions in the past. You need not make the same mistakes that I have.  

 

Having faith can make such a tremendously positive difference, too. Not only faith in what you believe in spiritually, but also in ultimately having faith in yourself. Come what may. Is there risk? Yes. Is the risk worth it in getting what you truly need? Let that answer be your guide, and stick to it. Hang onto it. Fight for it and for everything it takes to get it. See it through. You are worth it.  

 

I do not have all the answers. But I do believe in you and what you can achieve. Because it is obvious to me. Stay strong, guard your heart, and persevere.

 

What is past is prologue.

-William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act 2, Scene 1.

 

Love,

Kristen

 

[Jani]

9 hours ago, Maddee said:

Forgot this isn’t my blog journal thread

Things evolve!  And so do you.

 

Hugs, Jani

[Maddee]

6 hours ago, Kristen Sehr said:

Hi Maddee,

 

I'm Kristen. I don't believe we've yet "met" one another in any forum threads. But the things you wrote here, they called out to me.

 

Your "...well earned plateau of relative comfort" is just not comfortable enough to remain in anymore, and I sure get that. And it can feel risky to leave places like that, too. Because there is still an element of the unknown in following the path presenting itself to you.

 

It is normal to feel scared in circumstances like these. Fear is normal, too. Absolutely. But you do have the power of control over them, over these emotions and feelings and the choices you can make in spite of them (which is courage). May not seem that way at all times (which happens with me too, I'm a constant work-in-progress), but just look back at all the strength and courage it took to even get yourself this far in the first place.

 

That strength and that courage are concrete facts. And they are an intrinsic part of you now. They dwell in the very fibre of your being. And they are not lost. 

 

That same strength and courage can be harnessed again. So seize those reins and ride. Keep moving forward. Exercise that strength. Connect and stay connected with your will and strength of purpose, with the courage it takes to get you there, knowing and believing in the things that must be achieved for you.

 

And at the risk of not sounding very ladylike here, fight. Because its your own life that you are fighting for. Don't let anything or anyone pull you away into the opposite direction and away from your needs. Away from your very self. I have some horrible regrets over when I let fear and distrust dictate my actions in the past. You need not make the same mistakes that I have.  

 

Having faith can make such a tremendously positive difference, too. Not only faith in what you believe in spiritually, but also in ultimately having faith in yourself. Come what may. Is there risk? Yes. Is the risk worth it in getting what you truly need? Let that answer be your guide, and stick to it. Hang onto it. Fight for it and for everything it takes to get it. See it through. You are worth it.  

 

I do not have all the answers. But I do believe in you and what you can achieve. Because it is obvious to me. Stay strong, guard your heart, and persevere.

 

What is past is prologue.

-William Shakespeare, The Tempest, Act 2, Scene 1.

 

 

The Shakespeare quote at the end is wonderful. 

 ❤️Everything you posted thank you!

 

Nobody is trying to pull me off the path.  

If I had trusted my gut and acted on my fear and distrust in 2021-2022 I may not be requiring a major revision now. No one can know, it could’ve been way worse!!!   But this CAN still work out - just like the transition covenant  I witnessed 🌈🌈
 

I am gratefully content  to be on my plateau.  But I am on a path with signs still pointing forward.
 I committed to this path to get to a destination that I haven’t reached yet.  And I’m thankfully WITHOUT many options!

I don’t commit to a lot.  
But I follow through long term when I do. 
 

What is past is prologue. 
I have faith in the path

I have faith in myself.

 

[Cyndee]

12 minutes ago, Maddee said:

 

What is past is prologue. 

 

 

The fabric of time 🙂

 

Best

 

C

[Kristen Sehr]

55 minutes ago, Maddee said:

The Shakespeare quote at the end is wonderful. 

 ❤️Everything you posted thank you!

 

Nobody is trying to pull me off the path.  

If I had trusted my gut and acted on my fear and distrust in 2021-2022 I may not be requiring a major revision now. No one can know, it could’ve been way worse!!!   But this CAN still work out - just like the transition covenant  I witnessed 🌈🌈
 

I am gratefully content  to be on my plateau.  But I am on a path with signs still pointing forward.
 I committed to this path to get to a destination that I haven’t reached yet.  And I’m thankfully WITHOUT many options!

I don’t commit to a lot.  
But I follow through long term when I do. 
 

What is past is prologue. 
I have faith in the path

I have faith in myself.

 

 

Thank you so much, Maddee. You've sure been in my thoughts.

 

About plateaus. Once upon a time, I was a really serious rock climber. I won't go so far as to call myself a mountain climber, but I have sure hiked in mountainous, isolated and rugged back country terrain. Both on trails and off. Great (and safer) to do with close friends but I've also done it alone too, which makes it super intense and where (without even seeking it) I experienced the strongest spiritual connections of my entire life. I left part of myself up there. But I also brought back so much more. Its inside of me.

 

So back to plateaus. You can reach, in such an arduous physical and mental commitment, what you think is the summit looming above you. Pushing and struggling to so hard get there in the thin mountain air. Only to reach it and see that, sometimes, it is a false summit after all. And that you are, in fact, on a plateau. And damn can that be disheartening! Because it was so exhausting to reach. And you find that your work, the task set before you, is not yet done after all. 

 

I believe that experiences like these directly relate to the plateau you find yourself on now; what I have related is a metaphor. You can remain in relative comfort on your plateau. Or be persuaded by fatigue and pain to climb back down (which can sometimes even be harder and more dangerous than it was in the ascent). Or. You can continue your ascent. Intelligently. By resting your heart. In digging down deep for that strength and courage inside. In finding focus and commitment again. And then, you move upward once more.

 

Upward through your own strength.

 

(I'm Norwegian by heritage and one day, I'll have that above-mentioned Upward phrase in the language of my ancestral homeland tastefully tattooed on the inside of my forearm, where I will always see it and be reminded of it.)

 

Now plateaus are still okay places to be. I remember moss covered meadows of such indescribable beauty and peace so high up in the mountains that were completely unexpected plateaus to me. False summits again. I remember one in particular that I never wanted to leave; it was so incredibly green. And so very quiet. I could have remained there, as long as the supplies in my rucksack would hold out. And I would have been fine. Because the only thing I have to answer to in such situations is my own self. Such things vary depending on the person, depending on their yesterdays. What is past is prologue.

 

So do what you need to do. And follow the direction of your heart. If you truly remain connected to that, you won't go wrong.

 

Bless you, Maddee. And remember love's embrace.

 

Yours,

Kristen 🦋

[Maddee]

My revision surgery has been rescheduled for Sept 6th in NYC. 

I am flexible. Changing flights and arranging things is no problem.  Even Iid cancelling the fall semester of school as I will now be missing too much.   This surgery is the highest priority for me now.  I am grateful for my body now. but pursuing this revision is still part of the committed plan.  
 

 The delay is  giving me three more weeks to prepare. Several changes this past month.  Basically just getting back to healthy habits I followed prior to thinking I was done with surgeries.  (Oops)

Stopped smoking pot again
Cut out white sugar and white flower

running every other day.  At this point I’m going 7k.   
Cutting back on supplements and not taking over the counter anything.  
 

Anything I can do to be strong going into next month.  
 

im dilating only ONCE per day to keep the bit I have.  It’s been nice…..After surgery I will be back to three times daily for the foreseeable future.  

[April Marie]

You are so focused on doing everything you need, mind, body and spirit to prepare. You are, and will be, in my prayers. Sending my love and strength your way. We've got you!!!

[missyjo]

Maddee you poor girl. 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and sadly, have no wisdom to offer, other than what's been said already...you're getting screwed n we care, we pray for better for you, much better, for one of our sisters

good luck darling

hugs

missy jo

[Maddee]

3 hours ago, missyjo said:

Maddee you poor girl. 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and sadly, have no wisdom to offer, other than what's been said already...you're getting screwed n we care, we pray for better for you, much better, for one of our sisters

good luck darling

hugs

missy jo

Missyjo thank you for the support.

Considering it all,  I am very lucky. 
 

im getting a revision surgery.  Yes there  is risk.  And best laid plans always hold up how they will in reality.   I’ve encountered surgeons who don’t stay engaged postop, especially if there’s problems.  It appears likely that it could be the same with these professionals.  

So I’m planning on the surgery and recovery to go very well . My body mind and soul must carry this out for life.  Hopefully a long time from now. No more tired of living.  I’m in another life.  Make it a better one. 

 

I’m following the path where it takes me.   Leading me now to yet another chance. 

it’s like I’m a cat o nine

 

 

 

[missyjo]

great attitude maddee.

can't wait until I start getting some surgeries down there to make me closer to my vision

 

hugs

[Maddee]

I’ve been posting about this elsewhere but want to update this thread too

 

Had sigmoid colon vaginoplasty (secondary/revision) Sept 6th at Mt Sinai NYC.   Still in NY recovering currently and feeling good. 
 

its early but so far…

 

depth is back very good.  

Dr says 7” , I can confirm at least 6

girth is tight at pelvic floor connection area , going slow with it and will increase efforts as healing progresses 

 

pain is very low

 

mobility good

 

surgeon also enhanced the labia folds, added clitoral hood, and removed some redundant tissue around my urethra 

 

hospital was only days and the nurses were right there for me.  No narcs!

 

 

[Maddee]

*hospital was only 3 days*

[missyjo]

Maddee

hugs you. congratulations darling. I'm so happy for you n will want to know all about it n why you picked this type of surgery..

heal sweet girl. 7 inches cool..cause I'd like to be able to take bigger..penetrations too...blush

hope that passes censors.

get well soon baby

hugs

[Maddee]

The type of procedure picked me. 
Sigmoid colon is pretty much the only way to regain depth after a primary peritoneal vaginoplasty seals up losing nearly all depth.

 

The reason I had peritoneal in the first place is a long story involving covid, being rejected elsewhere, and insurance issues at the time of scheduling.  And there was definitely curiosity on my part about that type of procedure, which was partially based on unsubstantiated claims I’d read on forums (be aware)
 

Every time a door has slammed shut on me,  I’ve jumped through the next window that opened.  
My revision this month is the latest installment of that concept.  

-

[gemmalouise]

Best of luck Maddee.  I didn't even know this was possible, I won't go into details but I am interested in investigating the procedure myself.

[Ashley0616]

Congratulations I hope I can achieve 7" in depth. More would be nice but I'm not going to ask too much. Best of luck Maddee. 

[Susan R]

On 9/18/2023 at 8:00 PM, Maddee said:

Had sigmoid colon vaginoplasty (secondary/revision) Sept 6th at Mt Sinai NYC.   Still in NY recovering currently and feeling good. 

Congrats on the surgery success @Maddee! This is very similar to the procedure I had except the neo-canal uses a different part of the colon. I’m sure you’ll have a much smoother recovery than you experienced during your last procedure. I wish you all the best.

[Kylie]

Excellent news!