Having thoughts about transitioning and how I feel.

[Alicenotsowonder]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post but I hope to have time to enjoy the site a lot more. Have some thoughts going on in my mind and a lot of gender dysphoria lately. Long story short I've had gender dysphoria since I was about 6 or so and now I'm 28. Its been a lot of depression and stress and just everything that comes along with it too since I was young. Gender dysphoria started about around 6 and stress and depression came around 10 since I wasn't able to live like I wanted. I was born a guy but I have felt like I was a girl in a guys body and that's soul crushing to feel like I was mistake. Buts something has changed recently and I feel nervous. For years I would crossdress at night after work and just enjoy being dressed like how I feel. Then in 2019 I started to paint my toenails and dress at night and my gender dysphoria seemed to fade a bit. But like a lot of things it just got to a point that seemed like it was never enough. Also it would take dressing very fancy and very girly to make the gender dysphoria fade then. But something inside my mind has changed lately which I don't quite understand. Here in the past week It seems like something has clicked. All of a sudden dressing casually as woman makes me feel at ease and feel nice. I no longer get turned on when I dress up which would happen occasionally. Its like my mind has transitioned over night and my body is starting to follow along and I'm starting to see the difference. I still unfortunately have gender dysphoria but now I'm dressing up every night after work and sitting around the house and its been great. I've contemplated getting a counselor but I figured this site i could get some input on maybe what path to take as this has been a train wreck for me to untangle and its just been so hard to deal with. I've noticed the more I dress up the less gender dysphoria i have and when I paint my toe nails it almost goes away completely until I take it off. Also noticed my gender dysphoria sometimes hits like a wave or sometimes feels like constant pressure but I still don't know how to deal with it completely so there's that. Any suggestions for this would be super helpful for my tired mind. Thanks 

[Mirrabooka]

Hi Alice, welcome aboard! I have only been here a short while myself and have found this place to be wonderfully supportive. Hopefully you will too.

 

It looks like we have some similarities, apart from the dysphoria aspect. Actually, until very recently, I was adamant that I am not dysphoric at all, but I do feel better within myself when I allow myself to be a bit more femme. I feel euphoric compared to my normal baseline, rather than normal compared to a dysphoric base. But the effect is the same. 

 

The main reason I picked up on your post is that I also used to get turned on when I crossdressed. It was a kink that heightened my excitement during intimacy. But like you, I also don't get any sort of gratification out of crossdressing now. It's no longer a kink - it's just me wearing clothes. You mentioned that you feel at ease and feel nice. I can relate to that. The best way I can describe it is that it makes me feel lovely.

 

Last year I also felt like you do now, like a switch had been flicked. My moment came when I realized that I didn't have to feel guilty for not feeling dysphoric. I immediately fell in love with my inner woman and now let her out a bit more. I'm not sure if I will transition, I suspect not, but I am becoming increasingly feminine in my mannerisms and with some aspects of my appearance, particularly my hair.

 

Again, welcome, and good luck.

[Alicenotsowonder]

7 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

Hi Alice, welcome aboard! I have only been here a short while myself and have found this place to be wonderfully supportive. Hopefully you will too.

 

It looks like we have some similarities, apart from the dysphoria aspect. Actually, until very recently, I was adamant that I am not dysphoric at all, but I do feel better within myself when I allow myself to be a bit more femme. I feel euphoric compared to my normal baseline, rather than normal compared to a dysphoric base. But the effect is the same. 

 

The main reason I picked up on your post is that I also used to get turned on when I crossdressed. It was a kink that heightened my excitement during intimacy. But like you, I also don't get any sort of gratification out of crossdressing now. It's no longer a kink - it's just me wearing clothes. You mentioned that you feel at ease and feel nice. I can relate to that. The best way I can describe it is that it makes me feel lovely.

 

Last year I also felt like you do now, like a switch had been flicked. My moment came when I realized that I didn't have to feel guilty for not feeling dysphoric. I immediately fell in love with my inner woman and now let her out a bit more. I'm not sure if I will transition, I suspect not, but I am becoming increasingly feminine in my mannerisms and with some aspects of my appearance, particularly my hair.

 

Again, welcome, and good luck.

hey there! thanks for your reply. i was hoping i wasnt alone on how i feel even though it does suck to feel like this. About 3 days i also made the choice to let my hair grow out too. I had decided a few days ago to just go ahead and let my hair grow out as well as nails and like you change my mannerisms too. And the feeling guilty for not being dysphoric is what hit me last night actually. I felt really guilty and odd when I got dressed and the dysphoria went away. I didnt understand why it went away, I guessed it was because I was content while dressed. But i guess time will tell.  But I'm still not sure why my dysphoria has been fading a bit here lately, that was kinda my only reason i have been thinking i was a transgender is because of the dysphoria. But i know not all transgenders have dysphoria so idk whats going on with me.  lol 

[MirandaB]

I have a similar story, going from secretly dressing up as feminine as possible to wanting to just openly exist in everyday mode, and what helped my mental state was few little pills every day, but your results may vary.  After a very few days there was a drop in the mental anguish way before any other physical changes had time to take hold. 

 

 

[April Marie]

Hi and welcome, Alice!! You'll find many of us here with similar stories yet all unique in ways. I can definitely identify with your comments about gender dysphoria and the "pressure" it can exert. I explained mine the exact same way - a pressure that came in waves. You'll find lots of support and answers to questions here, especially from those who are much more experienced than I.

 

I would recommend you seek out a therapist who works with gender issues - for me that was how I was able to make sense of the feelings I had and to develop strategies to help deal with the dysphoria. That understanding helped me turn the fear, depression and self-loathing into joy, acceptance and self-love.

 

No matter what path you choose, I wish you much joy in your journey.

[Alicenotsowonder]

19 hours ago, RhondaS said:

I have a similar story, going from secretly dressing up as feminine as possible to wanting to just openly exist in everyday mode, and what helped my mental state was few little pills every day, but your results may vary.  After a very few days there was a drop in the mental anguish way before any other physical changes had time to take hold. 

 

 

That's exactly what I'm going through for years. Wishing i could leave the house dressed up how i feel but sadly never could until recently but not as often as i would like. Are the pills you referring to hrt? Because I would absolutely love to start that because I'm like 90% sure that I'm transgender. That other 10% has me on the fence though that's why i think i need a therapist. A therapist would hopefully help me sort some things out in my mind. 

[Alicenotsowonder]

18 hours ago, April Marie said:

Hi and welcome, Alice!! You'll find many of us here with similar stories yet all unique in ways. I can definitely identify with your comments about gender dysphoria and the "pressure" it can exert. I explained mine the exact same way - a pressure that came in waves. You'll find lots of support and answers to questions here, especially from those who are much more experienced than I.

 

I would recommend you seek out a therapist who works with gender issues - for me that was how I was able to make sense of the feelings I had and to develop strategies to help deal with the dysphoria. That understanding helped me turn the fear, depression and self-loathing into joy, acceptance and self-love.

 

No matter what path you choose, I wish you much joy in your journey.

hey there April marie, That's exactly what I think I'm gonna have to do at this point. My gender dysphoria has gotten to a point that I don't think i can keep putting it off and hoping it will solve itself. For years i have dealt with it and for years it has been bearable and as much as I hated it i was still able to put it off or close it off in my mind. But seems like I'm at the stage now that my mind is getting awfully tired of doing that and now its almost forcing me to make a decision to come out and live how i want. I've contacted a few therapist in my area so hopefully I can talk to one soon. Hopefully that will help ease my stress a bit. I've never told a soul about this part of me so it might be tough to come out and even talk about it but i know i need too. 

[April Marie]

Alice,

 

I think you'll find that the right therapist will help you to open up and feel more comfortable discussing your feelings. It might not be the first one you find so don't be afraid to talk with several. A good therapist will also assess the connection between therapist and the client before committing to a long-term client/patient relationship.

 

If I may offer one more thought, from someone who is just 3.5 months into therapy, there will be a lot of information, emotion, feelings and experiences to unpack in your work with the therapist. You begin a journey of discovery about yourself, a journey that began long ago possibly before you even knew it. But, it IS a journey, not an event. And each of our journeys are different - there is no One-Size-Fits All approach. What you think is "fact" now might not be the case after you've had the opportunity to talk with the therapist and can see things from a perspective where the "pressure" has been identified and, hopefully, reduced to allow you to better consider your options. In my case, it has given me time to move slowly and fully consider my reality, my options and begin to chart a path of discovery. It's turned fear and self-loathing into joy and self-love. 

 

Find the right therapist and take the time to discover your own, unique reality before charting your path. Learn who you truly are and who you want to be. Embrace the journey. It's not always easy, nor fun. And, you may find some surprises along the way. But, once you're on the right path, if your experience is anything like mine, you'll find that joy and self-love that makes the world seem so bright.

 

Best wishes as you enter your journey of discovery!!

[MirandaB]

4 hours ago, Alicenotsowonder said:

Are the pills you referring to hrt? Because I would absolutely love to start that because I'm like 90% sure that I'm transgender.

 

Yes. 

 

Just guessing that your average cis person never gets close to feeling 90% sure they're transgender, so that's probably a big hint. 

 

I went to a therapist mostly cause it was time for me to finally talk to someone IRL about it, to have an easier time dealing with the medical and insurance worlds, and thought it might be helpful for friends and family to know that therapy was involved*. In a different world, informed consent would have been fine with me.  

 

I really had no idea that there would be a mental benefit on HRT that would happen so fast, i thought there would be slow physical changes that would gradually improve my outlook.

 

But a few days in I felt this relaxation of a mental tension that apparently I had been living with for so long that it wasn't clear that i didn't have to experience it, like the body said "FINALLY!" 

 

Had to research that this happened for other folks, and learned that it may be common but not universal, but once it happened for me I eliminated whatever percentage of doubt there was bounding around in the brain. 

 

*Turns out if people are upset with your 'journey' they will just assume any therapist who agrees that transitioning may be for you will be looked at suspiciously, like, 'Who is this quack?'

 

 

 

 

[Mirrabooka]

On 4/16/2023 at 4:47 PM, Alicenotsowonder said:

I had decided a few days ago to just go ahead and let my hair grow out as well as nails and like you change my mannerisms too.

Be warned - sometimes, mannerisms just happen!

 

It might sound trivial to those who don't understand, but something happened to me last year that I consider a major event. I was walking through the house one morning and caught my reflection and did a double take. I was carrying a limp wrist! It was totally involuntary and I wasn't aware that I was doing it. I stopped doing it but it felt unnatural! Whenever I let myself carry a wrist (almost always my left one) after that, I immediately felt a sense of serenity. I still do.

 

That single event, when I learnt a fundamental truth about myself by surprise, was actually a game changer in my journey. It gave me confidence that I was probably a little further along the rainbow than what I originally thought.

 

[Gail]

yes mannerisms just happen!  when i was younger i was always identified as Miss on the phone.  When i started a new job my fellow employees always thought i was gay.  I tried so hard to change all that and now i am trying to get that younger voice and mannerisms  again!

[Jackie C.]

On 4/17/2023 at 5:40 AM, RhondaS said:

Just guessing that your average cis person never gets close to feeling 90% sure they're transgender, so that's probably a big hint. 

 

The average cis person, and this is going to be mind blowing, doesn't actually think about being any other gender besides the one they were assigned at birth. Weird, right?

 

Hugs!

[April Marie]

50 minutes ago, Jackie C. said:

 

The average cis person, and this is going to be mind blowing, doesn't actually think about being any other gender besides the one they were assigned at birth. Weird, right?

 

Hugs!

How is that even possible???!!! 😱🤣

[MirandaB]

I stole a quote along those lines from somewhere for my flickr 'about' page

 

Cis people are weird. Gender doesn’t enter their consciousness on a daily basis?

What’s that even like? To just not have to think about it?

[Alicenotsowonder]

On 4/17/2023 at 5:40 AM, RhondaS said:

 

Yes. 

 

Just guessing that your average cis person never gets close to feeling 90% sure they're transgender, so that's probably a big hint. 

 

I went to a therapist mostly cause it was time for me to finally talk to someone IRL about it, to have an easier time dealing with the medical and insurance worlds, and thought it might be helpful for friends and family to know that therapy was involved*. In a different world, informed consent would have been fine with me.  

 

I really had no idea that there would be a mental benefit on HRT that would happen so fast, i thought there would be slow physical changes that would gradually improve my outlook.

 

But a few days in I felt this relaxation of a mental tension that apparently I had been living with for so long that it wasn't clear that i didn't have to experience it, like the body said "FINALLY!" 

 

Had to research that this happened for other folks, and learned that it may be common but not universal, but once it happened for me I eliminated whatever percentage of doubt there was bounding around in the brain. 

 

*Turns out if people are upset with your 'journey' they will just assume any therapist who agrees that transitioning may be for you will be looked at suspiciously, like, 'Who is this quack?'

 

 

 

 

ah ok i gotcha. Yeah the only reason i said i was 90% sure was because literally everyday gender dysphoria seems to be the only thing my mind wont let go of. I have tried probably everything except following through with transitioning. I would love for it to go away because its only been a hinderance for my day to day life but I guess its just part of the bigger problem. I figured the hrt meds would help with my problem but Im still kinda at the stage of 90% sure but 10% confusion. Still trying to sort out the confusion thats snuck up on me. Didn't really have the confusion up until recently. I have a therapist lined up to talk to so hopefully everything goes good. I think i know what she will say but im afraid to hear it honestly. Only because my current life situation would be difficult to transition so thats something I will have to work out if I plan to transition. 

[Alicenotsowonder]

3 hours ago, RhondaS said:

I stole a quote along those lines from somewhere for my flickr 'about' page

 

Cis people are weird. Gender doesn’t enter their consciousness on a daily basis?

What’s that even like? To just not have to think about it?

I would only LOVE to not be reminded of my current gender on a daily basis. That must be really nice. lol 

[Alicenotsowonder]

Went to therapy this morning. It was nice, I told her all my feelings and the way that my gender dysphoria went away when I got dressed as a girl. She told me that my body and mind is probably getting more aligned with a woman and I should keep branching out in way that's make my gender dysphoria go away. So I guess that means progressing through maybe transitioning later down the road. I figured she would say something like that but I guess it hits harder when I actually hear it from someone else. Therapy was what I needed and I plan to go again in another week or 2. But until then I got some thinking to do I suppose. 

[Mirrabooka]

Good for you, Alice.

 

It will be interesting to see how your follow-up goes in a couple of weeks and what feelings you get out of it. I'm only guessing, but it might confirm some things for you? 

 

Please keep us posted. 

[Mirrabooka]

On 4/19/2023 at 10:49 AM, RhondaS said:

I stole a quote along those lines from somewhere for my flickr 'about' page

 

Cis people are weird. Gender doesn’t enter their consciousness on a daily basis?

What’s that even like? To just not have to think about it?

This.

 

THIS is the reason that, although I will probably never 'properly' transition, I consider myself to be somewhere on that path.

 

Thoughts and feelings about my femininity or inner woman fill my mind constantly. Every.Damn.Minute.Of.The.Day. And I love it!

[Charlize]

Funny that years after going full time gender often slips my mind in daily life.  It still pleases me when men offer to help load my car but i would think most women find that pleasing while the belittling in other situations is difficult.  Perhaps it's one of the things that seeing both sides provides.  There is a knowledge of how our society interacts with gender in mind.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

On 4/20/2023 at 9:24 AM, Charlize said:

It still pleases me when men offer to help load my car but i would think most women find that pleasing while the belittling in other situations is difficult.

 

While I DO appreciate when men offer to help, I usually give them the light stuff. I so enjoy being strong.

 

Hugs!